Once again it’s
time for my monthly Joke Round-Up. And,
just as with last month, I took full advantage of Facebook’s “On This Day” app
to look back on some of the jokes I’d written in years past that I’d since
completely forgotten about. Those will
be marked with the appropriate year in which I wrote the joke, illustrating
that I’ve been unfunny for years, it’s not just a recent thing. I’d
also like to point out that I had a few days of no joke-writing this month
because I got really bummed out about Jon Stewart’s final episode of The Daily
Show (sometimes I have feelings no matter how hard I try not to).
8/1
Just
found out that Eddie Money is going to be in town the same night as my sister's
wedding. So far this year I have already been to 4
weddings and 0 Eddie Money concerts. Decisions, decisions...
8/2
I dropped
the F bomb at Wal-Mart and some guy turned around and shot me the most offended
look I've ever seen. I don't know if I've had a lower point in my life than
when I realized that I'm not proper enough for Wal-Mart.
8/3
Apparently,
telling customers that you're pitching a tent is not an appropriate way to
promote your store's upcoming tent sale
8/3/14
At one
point last night some girl started dancing with me as I was making my way
through the crowd towards the bathroom. It was definitely one of my finer
introductions. "Hey, thanks for the dance but I really gotta pee right
now."
For
anyone that hasn't noticed yet, I'm pretty smooth
8/4
A recent
study found that bullies have higher self-esteem, social status and lower
levels of depression. Looks like those
stories about bullies really just having a deep-seated hurt and needing a
friend were a bunch of BS. That guy was actually stealing your lunch because he
knew he was cooler than you and thought he was entitled to your pudding cup.
8/4
I think
one of the scariest places for me is the bathroom at a public pool or beach,
because everything is wet and all I can do is hope that it's water.
8/4
I think
my biggest relationship goal is to find a girl who would be okay with having
the first dance at our wedding be "All My Life" by K-Ci and JoJo.#Priorities
8/8
There's a
dude here in this bar wearing a sweater over a polo. In fucking August. Apparently when his friends told him they were
going to the club, they meant night and he thought country.
8/8
It's
kinda sad when you consider the fact that children in the future will never
know what made that leg so stanky.
8/8
#Knuckles: "There's a UFO
floating up there in the sky."
Me: "That's the moon..."
8/9
Me:
"That girl at Arby's was cute."
Josh: "You should just keep going back in
there and ordering progressively more food."
Me: "I can see it now, she'll be like, 'Why
the hell are you ordering 35 sandwiches?!'"
Josh: "GO OUT WITH ME!!"
8/9
I kept
seeing people making these. I thought I'd try it.
8/9
When
you're making a bag of microwave popcorn and the power goes out, it kinda just
feels like life is saying, "I want to take away everything that makes you
happy."
8/10
I was
coming home from St. Louis Sunday morning about 3 am, when I had to stop at
Moto Mart in Collinsville to get gas and let #Knuckles use the bathroom. I was approached by a random stranger who
claimed that his car broke down and he needed a ride home just a few miles down
the road. After some questions, I agreed to give him a lift home. As a gesture
of thanks, he gave us a couple of homemade tie-dye tshirts. So, if you see me
wearing a tie-dye shirt, now you know how I got it.
8/10/2013
Instead
of renting a party bus, I'm just gonna have a bunch of people show up at the
nearest bus stop with coolers. Best Metro-bus commute ever.
8/10
I believe
that America would be in a much better place if people had really taken Vanilla
Ice's words to heart. Because I think the biggest issue we face today is that
nobody is willing to stop, collaborate and listen. #IceIceBaby
#TooCold
8/10
*after
watching one of our teammates get a tooth knocked out at hockey tonight*
Jared: "I just want to go home and brush my
teeth and be happy."
8/11
When I
see people with that hair style where one side of their head is shaved, I
assume that they're either auditioning for the next Mad Max movie or that's the
side they sleep on and they just took an extreme means of fighting bed head.
8/11
Since my
last post was about hair styles, I'd like to also point out that you can tell
that our generation grew up in the heyday of Nickelodeon, because there are way
too many guys trying out the Phil DeVille and the Roger Klotz haircuts.
8/12
The
required test for US citizenship includes all sorts of questions about history,
geography, the Constitution, and our government that (judging by the dumb shit
I see posted on Facebook) many Americans don't actually seem to know. A better
test would be to just put them in a room and play Journey's "Don't Stop
Believin" because anyone that doesn't sing along definitely isn't American
enough.
8/12
I have
made 3 trips to 2 different grocery stores in 30 minutes. I've come home with
cake mix, Cool Whip and hard cider. I don't even know what I'm doing with my
life.
8/13
One thing
that really annoys me is when other guys don't understand that servers work for
tips and think that every waitress is hitting on them. I never think my
waitresses are hitting on me. I don't even think women who are hitting on me
are hitting on me.
8/14/2014
Dear Automatic Bathroom
Lights,
I appreciate your
enthusiasm for energy conservation, but I wasn't done yet. You're being a bit
overzealous. Don't rush me.
Sincerely,
Washing my hands by the light of a cell phone
8/15/2014
I was called a
"misogynist asshole" yesterday because I saw a post saying that we
shouldn't call anyone a pussy because it associates a negative quality with a gender; to
which I responded by saying that, logically, we also shouldn't call anyone a
dick for the same reason and furthermore, we probably just shouldn't be calling
people names in general. I asked
several friends what they thought. My female friends assured me that I'm not a
misogynist. My male friends unanimously agreed that I'm an asshole.
8/15
On December 13, 2014 I
posted:
"My sister just got engaged yesterday. I hope I can find a date in time
for the wedding."
The wedding is today.
Damnit.
8/16
#Knuckles: "My hands are
full of cheese."
8/16/2014
Sometimes
the most responsible decision I make all day is not having a beer for
breakfast.
8/16
#NoFilter
8/18/2013
Listen to
your heart, unless your heart is a dumbass.
8/18
So,
apparently the power is going to go out every time I try to make popcorn now...
8/18
#Knuckles has officially been on more dates this
year than I have.
8/19
I like to
give people anniversary cards for their weddings, that way I never have to buy
them another card. They can just keep reading the same one every year.
8/19
This guy
in front of me at White Castle looks just like Colonel Sanders. Not really sure
what's happening but either he's defecting from KFC or some shit is about to go
down.
8/19
Just want
to make sure everyone knows that punk's not dead.
But punk likes to get comfortable.
8/20/2014
I think
it's great when people overcome problems with drugs, alcohol, weight, health,
etc. It takes a lot of hard work and they should be proud. But I don't think we
give enough credit to people that don't have these problems, either. You never
hear anyone say, "Hey dude, I notice that you've never done heroin and I
think that's awesome. You probably saved a ton of money on belts. High five!
Keep making responsible decisions!"
8/20
I'm
wearing a shirt with bright pink stripes on it at work today. Pretty sure that
means everyone should come up to The Tin Shed to see how fabulous I look and
then buy a mattress from me.
8/21/2014
I want to
open a gym modeled after the rainforest. The treadmills will have a video of a
jaguar chasing you. The rowing machine will look like a boat going down the Amazon
River. The barbells and weightlifting equipment will look like trees, logs and
vines. And I'll call it The Jungle Gym.
8/22
I just hooked up my sister and her husband with a sweet new kitchen table and
sectional. This means that now when I come over I get to eat dinner at the
table and pass out in their living room.
I make the same offer to
all my customers: buy a sofa from me and I will come to your house and sleep on
it.
8/22
I keep
seeing people share these things that supposedly give the origin of their name.
And apparently, according to this app everyone's name is derived from 2 Arabic
words that mean "warrior princess" which is complete bullshit because
I don't know a single person named Xena.
8/23
A lot of
people post memes and complaints about how they don't want to be adults.
Really, I think they're just doing it wrong. I never get grounded or told to
clean my room. I watch R-rated movies and swear unapologetically in front of my
parents. And last night I drank beers til I passed out then I had chocolate
milk and M&M's for breakfast this morning. Where's the problem?
8/23
#Knuckles just told me I'm one of the nicest guys
anyone could ever meet.
Apparently he's more drunk
than I thought.
8/24/2014
Some day
I'm going to find a nice girl and want to settle down with her. And then I'll
have to explain to her that #Knuckles will be living in our basement.
8/25
I had
cake for breakfast at home this morning (because I'm an adult), then came to
work and there was an office birthday so I had cake for lunch, too. Now if I
don't have cake for dinner I'm gonna feel like a failure.
8/25
Charlie Daniels wrote an
open letter to Congress in which he says that they "don't even have the
courage to face down an out of control president, even when he makes a deal
with the devil."
I think he's just really
mad that there was no fiddle-playing contest. #DevilWentDownToGeorgia
8/25
#Knuckles: "Her dad was an
undercover cop."
Me: "He wasn't very good at being
undercover if you knew about it."
8/26
I always
have paper plates and plastic forks available at my apartment because sometimes
even using the dishwasher seems like too much work.
8/26/2014
Generally,
people don't tell me that they need me unless it's followed by "to
leave."
8/27
I think
one of the daily struggles that nobody talks about is tucking. Specifically the
fact that if at any point of the day you have to re-tuck your shirt into your
pants, it's never as good as your first tuck of the day. The initial tuck is
always significantly better than all subsequent tucks. It's about time we had
some tucking awareness for this tucking problem. #TuckIt
8/28
I was
driving behind a guy who put an extremely large exhaust pipe on his truck and
all I could think was, "It would take a lot more than a potato or banana
to block that. Like a whole sack of potatoes or a fruit basket. Perhaps a melon
of some sort."
8/28
I think my next project
should be a YouTube series called "The Whenever Show with Ryan Rick."
Unlike The Daily Show, or Last Week Tonight, I won't feel any pressure to post
updates at regular intervals because I've built laziness into my show title.
Next step: securing
correspondents and support staff.
8/29/2013
It used
to really annoy me when people posted about the mundane things they do every
day and tagged themselves at home/work/gym. But now I realize I can use this
information about their daily routines to become a successful burglar.
8/29
#Knuckles is currently mad because he was told that our other
roommate's girlfriend is coming over tomorrow and he's required to wear pants.
8/30
I woke up this morning and did some cleaning, paid some bills, and did
my laundry. Then I started drinking whiskey because I got scared that I was
getting too grown up and was not about to deal with that shit.
8/30
I'm still waiting for Lou Bega to put out Mambo No. 6
8/31
One of the hardest things about being a salesman is that you have to be
really strategic about when and where you fart so you don't blow any sales.
Next up, keep an eye out for my 4 part series; Shameful Strip Club Stories.
-Ryan
