February 2020 Joke Round-Up

Well, February is done.  I will make reference to the fact that there was an extra day in it right now, but I refuse to make a dumb joke about it; I already did that on the 28th.   I wrote a whole new article this month about me feeling like death after eating a burger.  That was fun.  Really, it shouldn’t take gluttony-induced near-death experiences to encourage me to write something that isn’t just my monthly joke round up, and yet here we are.  I should get better about that.  Anyways, here are this past month’s jokes pulled from my FB page. 

2/2 

I was woken up at 6:30 this morning by the neighbor's garage being on fire. Totally inconsiderate. People need to have their structure fires at a more reasonable hour, especially on the weekend. 

2/2 

I played hockey tonight because I don't really have any interest in football. It's worth noting, however, that I left Maplewood, MO with 8:55 left in the 4th quarter and walked into my house with 1:15 left in the 4th quarter. Football exists in some kind of alternate dimension where time is completely irrelevant. 

2/5 

I've seen pictures online of people's dogs before and after they're called a good boy/girl and it's adorable. My dog, on the other hand, literally doesn't give a shit when I call him a good boy and I'm unreasonably upset about this. 

2/5 

My dog Barclay before and after being told he's a good boy. #NoFucksGiven 

2/6 

I'm trying to come up with a good Valentine's gift for my wife but apparently taco trees still aren't a thing yet so idk what scientists are even doing with their time. 

2/7 

I have been listening to the same Ska/Punk mix Pandora station at work for a few months now and I still catch myself saying out loud "oh hell yeah, this is my jam" for pretty much every song that plays. 

2/7 

Stop judging me, Google. 

2/8 

I'm gonna need to see some ID from this guy. 

2/10 

Living in the age of internet and smartphones is so wild. The other night I was awake at 1:30 a.m. Googling "how to make the family dog like me most." 

2/11 

My daughter wanted to give out WWE Valentine's cards at school, but the one that says "Never Give Up" doesn't have a wrestler on it. 

2/12 

How long til they move on to harder stuff like Pixy Stix? 

2/14 

Hold On - Triumph Hold the Line - Toto Hold On - Wilson Phillips Hold On Loosely - 38 Special Baby Hold On - Eddie Money Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins Tiny Dancer - Elton John 

Just working on the playlist I would use if I was ever put in charge of the hold music for a company's phone system. 

2/18 

I don't know what is going on in my house. Am I supposed to be Buttface McGee? 

2/20 

Never before have my shitty eating habits been more glaringly highlighted than today when I ate a salad for lunch and multiple coworkers asked if I was okay. 

2/24 

Last night I had a dream that I was at a party with Captain America. He looked at a case of beer and said, "I'm gonna pull a Thanos and make half of those disappear." 

2/27 

Watching my son struggle to choke down his flu medicine, I don't know if this kid is ever gonna be able to do shots. 

2/28 

I kind of don't want to post any jokes tomorrow because I'm worried they won't show up again in my memories for another 4 years. It's a shame because I bet I was gonna be hilarious tomorrow. 

Well I stuck to my convictions and didn’t write any jokes on the 29th out of fear of losing them for the next 4 years.  But I can assure you that I was totally hilarious in my day-to-day goings-on.  You’ll just have to trust me on that.   

-Ryan 

Death By Burger

It’s no secret that I have historically not made the healthiest choices when it comes to the food I put in my body.  From burgers with pizza slices for the bun, to a burrito rolled inside a pizza, to eating a Ziploc bag full of 2 week-old mostaccioli, to my propensity for indulging in whatever stupid new concoction the major fast food chains come up with; I have a storied history of bad food choices. 

Well, I recently made another awful food choice.  Now that I’m a week removed from the pain of that decision, I think I’m ready to talk about it.  Recently, Hardee’s came out with their BFC Angus Thickburger; BFC being Big Fried Cheese.  As the name would imply, the distinguishing characteristic of this menu item is the giant disc of fried cheese on top of the 1/3 lb. burger patty.  

 

Picture here: My Undoing 

Now, anyone who isn’t trying to eat their way into an early grave could reasonably talk themselves out of eating one of these things with little to no effort.  However, I am a glutton for punishment whose favorite form of therapy is testing the limits of my digestive system.   I’m also an opportunist, so when a co-worker brought up this burger and a buy-one-get-one-free coupon, I was on board because if I go into cardiac arrest at work that means I get to go home early while also being thrifty. 

 

Just kidding, you still have to finish your work day even if you die.  Either that or use a vacation day. 

At this point, it’s probably worth mentioning that the co-worker in question is not a big meat-eater, so I actually got their burger patty as well.  This meant they ended up with a glorified grilled-cheese sandwich and I got 2 fat-ass burger patties hugging a frisbee of fried cheese like some kind of heart-attack Oreo.   Staring down at this abomination of American food culture was probably the moment I should have turned back as I really haven’t felt okay with myself or my life choices since that point in time but I, brimming with hubris, pressed on with my naïve determination to consume all the worst things ever invented. 

I’m a little under a month from turning 33 and what I have discovered is that I am too fucking old to be eating shit like this anymore.  My god.  I think at one point I may have actually blacked out from eating this burger. My brain ceased to function as my body diverted all energy towards my stomach so it could figure out what the hell to do with this stupid thing I was eating.   Honestly, I don’t have anything bad to say about the flavor; it is pretty much exactly what I was expecting.  But for the overall experience I can only describe eating this thing as a spiritual event because I legitimately died, stared into the void, and decided I needed to change my ways. 

 

The Abyss really makes you appreciate a good salad. 

I finished the whole thing.  It wasn’t the smart thing to do but I am not a quitter and I hate wasting food no matter how detrimental it may be to my health.  When I was done my stomach felt like I had just eaten a landscaping brick.  It stayed like that for 3 days.  I wandered through life in a food-induced catatonic haze during that time thinking about all the food that I definitely did not have any sort of appetite for.  Finally, like another historical figure (though with a considerably smaller group of followers for myself), on the 3rd day I rose from the dead.  Honestly, it wasn’t a huge change because being food-dead is relatively close to the state of work-zombie that most of us are anyway.  At that point I did decide that food sounded good again and it definitely needed to be some fresh vegetables or anything else that wasn’t imminent death on a bun. 

I’m not saying that I’m suddenly some kind of health nut or anything; I’d actually guarantee that this health-conscious, new lease on life side of me will turn tail as soon as I see an advertisement for All-You-Can-Eat Hot Wings somewhere.  What I can say is that I will not be having another one of these BFC Burgers any time soon, or ever again because I do believe the insurance company would count that as a suicide and not pay out my life insurance policy to my wife. 

-Ryan