May 2020 Joke Round-Up

Well, May has come and gone and if there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s that it’s really difficult to find inspiration for jokes if you’re sitting at home and rarely interacting with other human beings.  That being said, jokes were definitely lacking this month.  I did have thoughts on my mind and I started throwing them together into another jumbled mess of a post that I hope to finish and post in the next few days.  For now, here are last month’s jokes. 

5/2 

Kahla: "I have a really bad tension headache." Me: "If it's that bad, it might be elevension." 

Luckily, my family has been able to rely on my great sense of humor to make it through this pandemic. 

5/3 

I am in my basement, shouting to my friends over voice chat about how delicious Zebra Cakes are at midnight on a Saturday night. 

I am making the absolute most of all this time at home. 

5/8 

Quarantine hair, don't care. 

5/13 

I feel like I've learned a lot during this pandemic. And after careful consideration I've decided to submit a proposal to city hall to change the name of my town to Karenland so that it might better reflect the values of an apparently sizable and very vocal segment of the community. 

5/14 

I'd be lying if I said there'd been no tears shed during all this time doing e-learning at home. And some of the crying was even from the kids. 

5/15 

Today is the last day of elearning and I was so proud of my kids for making it to every day of class that I gave them both attendance awards. 

 

5/20 

Is "hungry" a personality trait? Because I feel like that's fundamentally part of who I am. 

5/25 

People are always so worried about social media tracking them for targeted ads that may interest them but yesterday I removed from my FB timeline 5 sponsored posts for different churches inviting me to sermons, so obviously their algorithms are garbage. 

5/25 

This pandemic is a lot more enjoyable if you pretend you're The Winter Soldier every time you leave the house. 

5/26

My family walking in the room to find me passed tf out 5 minutes after I sat down to watch tv. Every time. 

I hope everyone reading this is doing well in the bullshit mess that the world is right now.  And I hope I can write more jokes this month because if I’m not doing that, there’s not much reason for this site to even exist.  So...onward! 

-Ryan 

April 2020 Joke Round-Up

I almost started this post with the phrase “in these trying times” but even I’m not that much of a hack.  At this point, I’ve been home with the kids helping them navigate e-learning for about a month and a half now.  During that time, aside from going on daily walks around the neighborhood, I’ve really only ventured somewhere in town for errands a couple of times.   I typically get my hair cut every 4 weeks like clockwork and I’m currently sitting at 11 weeks since my last cut, so I'm trying to be creative with this mop on my head.  I haven’t played hockey since early March and I’m very close to the kitchen/pantry/refrigerator most of the day so I am changing from already out of shape to an even worse shape.  And despite all of this, I think I’m doing pretty okay.  I’ve got Animal Crossing, I get to play Dungeons & Dragons over video chat and I’ve been playing hockey on Xbox with some of my teammates.  Not to mention I have a lovely wife who is an essential worker and I have a backyard that I can send the kids to play in when I need them to work off their energy somewhere that isn’t within a 5 foot diameter of me.  So now that you have a glimpse of how I’ve managed to cobble together my life in a manner that mostly maintains my sanity, here are some jokes that I wrote this past month that possibly show I haven’t been as sane as I claim. 

4/1 

I hear the drums echoing tonight... 

4/2 

Due to all the extra time spent at home my dishwasher has been declared an essential worker. 

4/3 

I'm just trying to catch some fish so I can pay off my house but all I keep catching are these stupid eggs and I don't know if I've ever said a more ridiculous sentence that's actually able to be understood by so many people. 

4/9 

My guilty pleasure during this pandemic has been watching the FB feed of some random lady as she falls deeper and deeper into a conspiracy theory induced madness, which was all started by the fact that she didn't understand that the number of COVID-19 cases wasn't evenly distributed across every hospital in the United States. 

4/10 

Since we're doing school at home I decided today we were going to play Heads Up, 7 Up. Really, I'm just wanting the kids to put their heads down and be quiet for a while. 

4/11 

When I'm president I promise to require all drive-thru lanes to have an additional menu to browse before you get up to the intercom so you can have some extra time to decide what you want to order without all the anxiety about holding up the line. 

4/14 

After this morning's school work with the kids, I've decided I need a less stressful endeavor so I'm going to start teaching my dog to write in cursive. 

4/15 

If there's one thing I've learned during this whole pandemic it's that a lot of people have absolutely no concept of what the word "essential" actually means. 

4/18 

For the first time in my life I had some random person message me trash talk after I lost a game online the other night. If my self worth were based on my proficiency at gaming, this might have upset me. 

4/22 

A lot of people use the word "research" to mean they've watched a YouTube video about something. I guess that means I've done a lot of research on people faceplanting. 

4/23 

Governor Cuomo was on The Daily Show last night and he didn't even sing The Sweater Song. 

4/23 

Watching FB today like... 

4/24 

I don't have the data to back it up, but I suspect there to be a strong correlation between people who struggled to pass their high school social studies class and people who refer to everything they don't like as either "unconstitutional" or "communism." 

4/27 

Whenever I hear someone say "We're all in this together" in regards to the COVID-19 pandemic, all I can think of is that song from High School Musical and I can't be the only one experiencing this issue. 

4/28 

I can't tell if people as a whole are getting dumber the longer this pandemic lasts or if it's just given those who were already the dumbest members of society a lot more free time to put their ignorance on full display. 

One cool thing is that the weather is getting nicer and I’m only mostly dying from my allergies as I try to enjoy it, so I might pick one of these gorgeous days to pop a bunch of Benadryl and pass out in the yard. 

-Ryan