October '25 Joke Round-Up

  Busy month. Hockey started again, kicked some ass on gameshows at work, had my 20 year high school reunion, got to go on a trip to Universal Studios with a buddy, participated in my first ever chili cookoff on behalf of the local LGBTQ+ Ally group, got some sweet family pictures taken, got sick AF for a day or two, officially kicked off my political “career” by submitting a petition to be a precinct committeeperson, and still found plenty of time to feel disappointed in myself as a human being (luckily I’m pretty good at multi-tasking). Let’s look at my lil jokey jokes.

10/2

Important question

10/3

My wife tried to say something to me as I was doing DuoLingo and right when she started talking I just happened to click on the sound byte "occupado."

She immediately started laughing and said, "Well fuck you too, then!"

This woman is my soul mate.

10/7

As far as I'm concerned, the only times it's acceptable to wear a cowboy hat are if you are actively roping a steer or if you're dressing up as Bret Michaels for Halloween.

10/16

I never truly understood homesickness until I bought a bidet.

10/24

I overhead 2 ladies gossiping at the grocery store and one comment in particular really threw me off.

"She changes boyfriends like I change underwear. Every week she's dating someone new."

Did this lady just admit that she only changes her underwear once a week?

10/25

I don't know if I could ever be brave enough to buy an enema kit from a thrift store.

10/29

Many people already know that I LOVE St. Louis style pizza (provel is life).  One point of frustration I have from growing up was my mom's side of the family's insistence on regularly ordering one of the worst pizzas I've ever had in my life, Ponticello's. It barely qualified as pizza, it was garbage topped with provel. They had the nastiest, driest, burnt, concerningly gritty & powdery crust and despite my frequent objections to their trash-ass excuse for a pizza, even on my own birthday that was the go-to order at family gatherings. "Happy birthday, Ryan, here's some 'food' you specifically said you did not want." Bullshit, I know.

The last time I ever had to eat that pizza was in 2005. And Ponticello's closed in 2014 so they can no longer hurt people with their terrible pizza, but despite all that time I'm not entirely over the pain that pizza inflicted upon me.  The other night I saw a post on the St. Louis subreddit asking people to name local restaurants that they missed. I stayed up late scrolling through 300+ comments specifically so I could downvote anyone that said Ponticello's.  I absolutely do not regret my actions.

I don’t know how to end it this month, so I’ll just say this: fuck Ponticello’s pizza.

-Ryan

September '25 Joke Round-Up

  Man, I was really hoping that rapture would finally be the real one this time. Could’ve been pretty fucking cool.  Guess I’ll just keep going to work and writing my lil jokey jokes while Rome burns.  Okay, well then.

9/1

I like that my brain recognizes that I'm dealing with depression but still talks shit on myself for being lazy.  What a delightful combination of self awareness and assholery

9/13

If at any point in my life I own a Ford Explorer, I am absolutely naming it Magellan. I also briefly considered Vespucci.

9/14

I love that I, a grown ass man, can walk into a grocery store and think to myself, "My life would absolutely be enhanced if I could have chicken nuggets that are shaped like dinosaurs" and just achieve that dream right there.

9/16

We as a society have an unspoken agreement that everyone is allowed to freely fart in the bathroom without feeling embarrassed or having to say "excuse me." And it is not my fault that the bathroom at work doubles as the storm shelter.

9/18

I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY UPSET THAT THIS DOESN'T SAY "MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL"

9/23

Another day, another rapture that isn't happening.  Getting real tired of constantly having to reschedule this shit in my calendar.

9/24

My wife sends me the sweetest messages.

Man, I fucking hate fall.

-Ryan

August 2025 Joke Round-Up

  Wake up, motherfuckers! It’s September. I think I inadvertently made a Green Day reference while also confusing the start and the end of September. I am actually writing this the morning of September 1st (I usually write it the night before), while I eat leftover McDonald’s and chicken wings from the kids’ birthday, paired with a Sprite (full flavor one, baby!) because I am intent on making sure I start in an amazing mood but set up to absolutely regret my choices later.  I have only myself to blame, but I will learn no lessons from this. I have a handful of things to do today. I don’t want to do any of them and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m depressed or lazy or burnt out. But I do know that the longer I fuck around with this, the more I am pushing off getting that other shit done. So here are jokes I wrote this month.

8/6

My son found out that I own a panini press and this kid is absolutely jazzed to make a sandwich.

8/6

One of my absolute favorite things to do as a dad, and something I learned from my own dad, is to periodically interrupt whatever my kids are doing to ask them, "Did you want me to hang out with you?" This is especially fun when they are hanging out with their friends.

8/8

I don't really have any data to back this up, but I feel like I probably eat more food that's been dropped on the floor than most other adults. Toddlers might give me a run for my money, though.

8/9

That little flap on the front of my boxers every morning when I wake up:

8/18

I'm pretty excited to finally have a TV in the bedroom!

8/19

Our daughter got a new bed and because my wife and I are brilliant adults we used her old bed to make MEGA COUCH in our living room.

8/21

When you get recognition at work for your natural talents.

8/23

I have no problem getting on a microphone in front of a room full of people I don't know, but making a phone call makes me nervous.  My brain is an absolute catastrophe.

8/25

This is the kind of high-brow humor people have come to expect from me.

8/27

I have absolutely had enough of beverage companies acting like cucumber is an acceptable flavor for a drink. Knock that shit off.

8/28

I forgot to take my anxiety meds this morning and I can tell because I am UNCOMFORTABLY PRODUCTIVE.

8/31

What sort of miracle happened here?

Ah, this month was a perfect encapsulation of me as a human being: poop and weiners, bad eating habits, and anxiety.

To my wife: This is an ice cream coupon you may redeem upon reference of this text. I will drop whatever I am doing and bring you any ice cream treat you desire, including but not limited to: home made sundae, specific ice cream from local grocery stores, anything on the Dairy Queen menu.

-Ryan

July 2025 Joke Round-Up

  I don’t want to fuck around with writing a silly intro for this and I’m not going to. Work has been so fucking stressful. I want to just zone out with a game or something. And I have some work I could do tonight to make tomorrow morning easier on myself. But my daughter wants to watch a movie with me and that’s what I’m gonna do because even if the rest of my day is absolute dogshit, my wife and kids fucking lift my heart so god damn much and they sure as fuck aren’t gonna look back at life 30 years from now remembering how much I wasn’t there because I was “too busy.”

7/5

It's probably really difficult to be a game show host when one of the contestants is just absolutely shitting it up and you have to continually find nice ways to say that they have no chance because they're a big dumb dummy.

7/6

I could've eaten the last parmesan bread bite and nobody in the house would've known. But I saved it for my wife to eat for lunch. And she then shared it with me. This is what true love looks like.

7/11

A short story about the hubris of man.

7/11

My wife and I have a night without the kids. We had Subway for dinner, then got ice cream, and now we're watching Escape From New York. Marriage is fucking cool.

7/12

My wife: "I feel like a relationship looks like a graph of the S&P 500. Where there are the spikes up and down for good and bad days but the overall trend is upward as the love grows."

Me: "I feel like this conversation is one of those downward spikes."

7/14

Me and my wife trying to list the 7 deadly sins:

Envy

Gluttony

Sloth

Lust

Larceny

Jaywalking

Loud Chewing

7/14

Wife: "My feet hurt."

Son: "My feet don't hurt. Maybe you have a skill issue."

My son is already funnier than I am. I'm so proud of him.

7/26

In an impulse purchase I bought myself an entire rotisserie chicken to eat and I'm not quite sure if this is a red flag about my current state of mental health or if I'm finally living the life I'd always dreamed of.

7/31

I just had this wonderfully serendipitous moment where my watch congratulated me on hitting my step goal as I was mindlessly wandering the house while stress-eating pizza.

-Ryan

June 2025 Joke Round-Up

  June was a busy month. That seems a little stupid to say when I consider that two of the things that kept me busy this month were vacations, so maybe I am just a whiner.  I am very tired and quite frankly am not quite sure if the blurry picture on the tv is because Charter is shitting it up again or because my eyes are just that unfocused. Turns out it was a secret third option where Netflix apparently forgot that we aren’t using dial-up.  But today was my first full day at home in a week after I parlayed a work trip into a family vacation with a sprinkle of fucking awful airline travel experiences in between. I have to cut myself off here because I have done more snoozing than typing in the last 5 minutes and that feels like a sign to call it. So here are the jokes.

6/5

This is the kind of storyline development usually reserved for premium live events. My guess is they'll have a match at SummerSlam.

6/6

All it takes is a little bit of cheese dust to get me to eat styrofoam packing peanuts.

6/7

I'm my dogs' favorite person if none of the rest of the family is home and we have no guests in the house.

6/15

I like Jack Black but I don't think I will ever forgive him for making "chicken jockey" a thing.

6/22

Why would I listen to country music when I could just shit in my hand and shove it in my ear canal?

6/23

I feel like it's at least a little bit weird that eggs are not one of the numerous foods that taste like chicken.

6/23

My daughter is a character. Wonder where she gets it.

6/26

The midwestern urge to drive places because "it's only 12 hours away" makes a lot of sense when you consider how fucking shitty airline travel is.

6/28

I don't care if it's cliche or the obvious joke. If you have nautical themed decorations and you don't have something in the bathroom labeling it the poop deck, then I have absolutely no respect for you.

This brain is simply not braining right now. I need to go to bed.

-Ryan

May 2025 Round-Up

  I’m having a hard time getting started on writing my intro this month because my brain is instead choose to focus on the two equally compelling conversations of “Should I eat more donuts?” and “What kind of person am I really?” And I think the answers to those two burning questions are ultimately “yes” and “a ridiculous one.”  I walked away from writing this hoping I could come up with something resembling a coherent thought and that just didn’t happen so now we’re just going to cut our losses and move on to these jokes.

5/2

I just fell down in the pantry reaching for a box of DingDongs. 35-40 years from now that's probably how I'll die.

5/3

On the one hand I'm like, "It's Saturday night, I don't have to work tomorrow and I can stay up as late as I want." But on the other hand I'm like, "Maybe 9:45 is as late as I want to stay up."

5/4

I feel like most people who go to garage sales are just picking out things that will end up in their next garage sale.

5/5

I think the thing I'm most afraid of in life might actually be ingrown toenails. I've made more of an effort in my life to avoid those than I have snakes, spiders, or heights.

5/9

My wife and I have been scheduling a lot of projects for our house, like waterproofing the basement and getting a new roof.  But we are officially putting all of this work on hold because this morning I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of the zoo or National Geographic and now I've decided we're just going to burn down the house instead.

5/10

Son: "What's your middle name again? I forgot."

Me: "I'll give you a hint.  It starts with C and ends with R."

Son: "Charmander."

Me: "Yep, that's it. You nailed it."

5/17

I was just trying to cook up some odds and ends from our fridge and pantry and now my dinner looks like I filled a plate at an international buffet. Carnitas, couscous, and focaccia.

5/18

Do vampires have preferences on blood types? Like, are they different flavors? I'm imagining a vampire biting into someone, letting out a heavy sigh and saying, "Ugh, O+ again?! What I wouldn't give for some AB- right now."

5/18

My kids have been clogging the toilet a lot so, being an expert on the situation, I had to lecture them on proper toilet paper usage and flushing technique.  Ended it by saying, "Thanks for coming to my TURD Talk."

5/19

Women when they hear Shania Twain say "Let's go, girls!"

5/22

The flavors of Starburst are: yellow, orange, red, and pink.  Do not come at me with fruit names.

5/23

My daughter: "I don't know who any of those Marvel people are.  Is one of them White Claw? Is that a superhero?"

5/24

If the point of a Cage Match is to escape the cage, then why did you agree to be in the cage in the first place? Do you want to be in there or not? I'm getting mixed signals.

5/24

I left my bag of Doritos in the other room so that every time I want a few chips I have to go for a lil walk. This is my fitness plan.

5/25

It's crazy how my kids only realize that they are starving/exhausted/sick/urgently needing to poop when I give them a chore to do.

5/26

Family Feud: "Name something you might find in an oasis."

Me: "Noel and Liam Gallagher."

5/27

Me at my yearly checkup explaining to my doctor what medical concerns I have.

I think if I wait a few more years I can consolidate all of my round ups into a book that nobody will sell 4 copies but never actually be read by anyone. Yeah, honestly I wouldn’t even read my own book, I already lived these things and thought these thoughts once.

-Charmander