July 2017 Joke Round-Up

                Another month gone.  After having a less-than-stellar joke-telling month last month, I followed it up with a bit of a joke-telling Renaissance this month.  And I managed to create some good visual jokes this month, too.  Thankfully, my last joke of the month had no visuals with it…

7/2

The other night while out watching a local band, one of the band members mentioned that he was a recovering alcoholic who was 5 years sober. To this, some guy in the audience shouted "You know what they say, rehab is for quitters!"

Now, I'm no stranger to controversial jokes, but the trick to telling bad jokes (which I like to think I'm a bit of an expert at) is to make sure your timing doesn't make you look like a douche-canoe.

7/3

In an unexpectedly fortunate turn of events, nobody I know is getting married during the time that I've been rehabbing my torn calf muscle. Which is great, as I'm well aware that there's no way I could resist cutting a fuckin' rug and I really don't want to have to explain to my doctor that the reason I'm not getting better is because I had to break it down to "Billie Jean."

7/4

Now that I've combined the Squatty Potty with a LumiLux motion sensor toilet light, I'm pretty sure that I have the Cadillac of shitters. Or at the very least it's that tricked out Skyline from "2 Fast 2 Furious."

7/9

I think most antique malls should just be called Garbage Stores.

7/10

Came across this guy in a bathroom. Had to keep my guard up.

7/10

Bathrooms at public pools make me uncomfortable because the floor is always soaked and I can't be sure of the source of the suspiciously warm wetness.

7/11

While having lunch yesterday I overheard an older lady at the table next to us ask the server if his 3 children were all from the same mother and if he was married to her. The server politely responded that they were and he was, to which the lady said, "That's good, I feel very strongly about family values."

Were it me, just to fuck with her I would have said, "No they're all from different mothers. And they're all bi-racial." I think it would have been worth not getting a tip.

7/13

Yesterday at physical therapy they had me hopping on alternating feet to work out/test the strength of my calf. So I'm happy to report that I'm officially cleared to play hopscotch again.

7/14

There's a Gatorade bottle in the bathroom trash can. I feel like this can only mean that one of my roommates considers their body's fluid levels to be a zero-sum game.

7/18

Serious question: if Donald Trump gets his transparent border wall built, exactly how many seconds will elapse before someone presses their bare ass/junk up against it? Taking wagers now.

7/19

My girlfriend insists that turkey bacon counts as real bacon. And I insist that she knock off her bullshit.

7/19

Seriously, my girlfriend prefers turkey bacon over real bacon and pancakes over waffles. It's like she thrives on disappointment.
Must be why she dates me.

7/20

I think when someone says they've decided to go vegan, what they're really saying is, "I've grown tired of having good food in my life."

7/20

Last night, I dreamt that Donald Trump narrowly avoided hitting me with a golf cart and then, angered that I didn’t thank and praise him for not hitting me, he fired me from my job. Worried about how I would make ends meet, I went down the street and was hired on the spot at Wal-Mart with no application or job description given and immediately put into orientation, which was interrupted by my (now former) boss stopping in to note that he was upholding Trump’s firing of me and to ask me to hand over the projects I was working on with a promise that my employment “would be re-evaluated when everything settles down.” This was all capped off by a realization that my new (imaginary) job training caused me to miss my (real life) appointment to get my vehicle serviced, because apparently dream-Ryan is still very concerned about real-Ryan's tire rotation.

Will be checking my apartment for a possible carbon monoxide leak.

7/21

You're basically paying for the name with these beets.

7/22

Thought for a second that these people had a pumpkin growing...

7/23

One year ago today my girlfriend and I went on our first date; and I hate to admit it, but it was to see the Ghostbusters reboot. I didn't want to see the movie but she was cute and actually talking to me so I figured, "Eh, I'm sure this isn't the only bullet I'll have to bite for this chick."

7/23

I made the mistake of taking my girlfriend's vehicle to Wal-Mart. Just spent 10 minutes aimlessly wandering around the parking lot looking for my car.

7/24

This is the gas situation literally every time I get in my girlfriend's car. Not sure how anyone can willingly live this close to the edge all the time.

7/24

KFC gave me 2 forks with my Famous Bowl. So either they think I'm not a fatty and will be sharing with someone (wrong!), or they think I'm such a pig that I need 2 utensils so I can stuff my face faster.

7/25

Last night, after being out of commission for 7 weeks due to a torn calf muscle, I got to play hockey for the first time since my injury. Today, everything is sore except my calf. I guess that means all those weeks of physical therapy worked.

7/25

This chair placement raises a lot of questions. And makes me uncomfortable.

7/29

Went on a nature hike this morning after eating a questionable amount of hot wings last night. Not sure if bears shit in the woods, but found out that I do.

                I’m pretty lucky on 2 accounts: first that I’ve been in my relationship long enough to start making some solid relationship jokes and secondly that I’m still in my relationship after shitting in the woods. 

-Ryan 

June 2017 Joke Round Up

                Holy shit it’s July and you know what that means?  It’s swamp-ass season instead of hockey season.  June was a pretty polarizing month for me.  I started off the month having what I can only assume was some strain of the bubonic plague, only to get better from that and immediately tear my calf muscle.  Then I finished the month by getting a new job title at work that allows me to finally have weekends off like a normal person and also found me writing shit-all for jokes.  You win some you lose some.  Also, I had a noticeably lack of joke-related images this month.  Weird. Here are jokes.

6/2

I spent the last 2 days sick in bed and my Fitbit was just not having any of that shit. It spent the whole time yelling at me that I needed to get up and hit my step goals. Fitbit has no sympathy.

6/2

One fun thing about being sick the past couple of days was that at one point I woke up in the middle of the night and, in the delerium of my fever, thought that the reason I didn't have the strength to lift my arms was because they had turned to stone. Also, for some reason they looked like Nature Valley granola bars.

6/3

Me: "I was just starting to feel kinda bad on Wednesday and then Thursday..."
Kahla: "You told me Wednesday that you felt miserable."
Me: "Yeah, but I had to reevaluate my adjective usage when I realized how fucking awful I felt Thursday."

6/4

One very specific thing I remember from high school Spanish class is that "cebolla" means "onion" and "caballo" means "horse." And I think this is because I have a deep, irrational fear that someday I'll be trying to get ingredients for dinner at a Mexican supermarket and end up walking out of the store having accidentally purchased a steed.

6/10

So, Rep. Tim Walberg (R-Mich.) told constituents that he believes if climate change is a real problem, God can fix it.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that he (and certainly others) believes that the same invisible man in the sky who supposedly once flooded the earth as punishment for people fucking up, will put a stop to a global event that is caused by people fucking up and, among other consequences, raises ocean levels.

6/13

I stayed home from work today watching my girlfriend's kids because their babysitter is out of town. The little narcs blabbed to their mom about me eating candy for breakfast. Not cool. #SnitchesGetStitches

6/14

I really enjoy spicy foods, but don't mess with ghost peppers because at a certain point I'm also really concerned about the state of my butthole.

6/16

A little over a week ago I tore my calf muscle playing hockey. I've been so worried about getting out of shape and gaining weight that I'll be unable to run off during my recovery time that I've been stress-eating a bunch of shitty comfort foods that I can't run off during my recovery time.

6/17

It is June 17th with a current outside temperature of 85 degrees and I'm sitting here watching Home Alone because children have no concept of timeliness. This certainly has me in the summer spirit. #WetBandits#MilkEggsAndFabricSoftener #YaFilthyAnimal

6/22

At the Def Leppard concert tonight I saw a woman with one arm. I really like the band, too, but I think a t-shirt is a much easier way to show it.

6/23

At the concert last night I got to observe a drunken 40-something woman with a light-up bra and her equally drunken daughter make extremely clumsy advances at 2 very straight-laced (read: dorky) looking, sober guys next to them. I felt like Jane Goodall.

                Pretty excited to announce that I already wrote my first joke for July but I can’t post it until the 23^rd for reasons that will be explained when it’s posted.  Hopefully I write 2 or 3 jokes before then.

-Ryan

May 2017 Joke Round-Up

                Oh man, I was totally on a roll for the first part of the month.  Look at all those jokes I wrote!  And then the middle part of the month hit and I was tired and tapped for inspiration.   I didn’t even get my butt grease story finished.  Sad!

5/4

Explaining the importance of teeth-brushing to my girlfriend's 5 year-old twins:

Henry: "I don't like to brush my teeth."
Me: "If you don't take care of your teeth they'll all rot out and the only thing you'll be able to eat is soup."
Abby: "What kind of soup? I like soup."
Me: "Do you like onions?"
Abby: "No."
Me: "Onion soup."

5/5

I had Taco Bell for lunch because I figured that, with the way things are going in Trump's America, it won't be long before I'm unable to get authentic Mexican food so I better start getting used to it now.

5/6

Having both a bit of a background in finance and an unhealthy love of food, I always like to imagine that when someone's wages are garnished that they just have a bunch of parsley thrown in with their paychecks.

5/9

I can afford to buy decent food for myself, but I still enjoy eating ramen noodles occasionally. So, now when I go to the store to buy ramen I dress in a suit just so that the cashier knows I'm not buying it out of necessity.

5/10

I do my best to be a good role model for my girlfriend's kids. For her son, in particular, I've tried to teach everything I know about being a man:
"You must be swift as a coursing river
With all the force of a great typhoon
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon"

5/11

I saw a commercial on tv where mosquitos were being captured and studied/tested to see if they were carrying diseases. While they're at it, is there a way that we can pump those mosquitoes full of vaccines just to cover for all the dumbasses that don't vaccinate their kids?

5/13

Just once I want to go to a wedding where the processional music comes to a screeching halt and John Cena bursts into the church.

5/15

This appears to be a game of Holy Whack-A-Mole.

5/16

Has anyone considered that maybe the reason Sean Spicer is hiding in bushes, speaking in the dark, and holding off-camera press conferences is because he has huge zit and is handling it like a teenager on a sitcom? Alternatively, it could also be a herpes outbreak.

5/23

It looks like Larry David took all of his Curb Your Enthusiasm money and started a pasta business.

5/31

You know how sometimes in sports movies the coach will act like a huge asshole to get the rest of the team to bond over a common enemy?

Maybe that is Donald Trump's strategy with the world.

                Someday, I’m either going to just stop making excuses and actually do some damn writing or I’m gonna have to close up shop.  Stay tuned!

-Ryan