October 2017 Joke Round Up

                Looking at this month, it looks like I found some helpful parenting tips, ruined someone’s wedding and reflected on a 24 year-old commercial.  Here are the jokes.

10/6

If you ever needed a solid argument for why our country needs better school funding, just look at the comments section for any online news article.

10/6

I hope I'm wrong about this one.

10/7

Either way, it works splendidly.

10/7

Parenting Pro Tip: do not let kids have a blue sucker right before nap time because seeing a passed out child with blue lips is terrifying.

10/10

For the rest of my life, I will always know who shot Alexander Hamilton because of a Got Milk commercial I saw in 1993.

10/12

Looking back at my Facebook memories each day makes me feel like I owe a sincere apology to anyone who knew me before the age of 25.

10/16

Making the best of things.

10/19

I know women complain about the lack of pockets on their clothes. They also seem to hate guys' cargo shorts, which have literally all the pockets ever. I have to assume that it's not because of style, but because they're jealous of our pocket game.

10/21

#WeddingProTip: Ladies, if you're not sure what dress to wear to a wedding to avoid matching the bridesmaids, white is typically a safe bet.

10/21

Apparently, when "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" is played at a wedding, it is not proper etiquette to slide out on the dance floor in socks and underwear. #LiveAndLearn

10/22

My last 2 jokes were a hit with people named Dustin.

10/27

Any time I have homemade burritos it makes me consider getting a job at Chipotle for like a week just so I can learn how to actually fold a burrito.

10/27

Last weekend, after reading the book to them, I made green eggs and ham for the kids. And while that is a fun thing to do, the real fun comes later on after all the green dye has worked it's way through their digestive systems and they come out of the bathroom with questions.

10/29

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement: she thinks we shouldn't dress up when we take the kids trick or treating, but I think I should wear my Michael Jackson costume door to door with them.

10/31

Conversations with a 6 year old.

Me: "Do you know what your Captain America shield is made of?"
Henry: "No."
Me: "Vibranium."
Henry: "I think it's plastic."
#TakingTheMagicOutOfHalloween

                With any luck, the inherent stress of the upcoming holiday season will parlay into me channeling my frustrations into more jokes; that and Amazon Prime are about the only things that keep me from beating people down with Tonka trucks in the Walmart checkout line.

-Ryan

September 2017 Joke Round Up

                Interesting month to look back on.  I started off a little political, got in a lot of pictures (including the always appreciated reference to Cool Runnings), reaffirmed my hatred of Fall and people named Blake, and stumbled upon a dick-measuring contest at work.  These are jokes.

9/1

When I see people argue that Nazis were socialist because of their name, I have to wonder what they think of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. And of The Cheesecake Factory.

9/2

Last week, after my credit card was declined at the grocery store, I checked my account to see a fraudulent charge for $167 at Jimmy Jazz. I immediately got on the phone with my bank's fraud department and gave them an earful. You'd think that after tracking my purchase habits for the last 5 years they'd know better than to think that me buying urban streetwear is more likely than me buying 7 frozen burritos.

9/5

If you don't instinctively refer to every sequel as "(Title) 2: Electric Boogaloo" then I'm just really not sure how we can even be friends.

9/7

I just need to know who is spending their time converting bears to Christianity.

9/8

I know I may seem like I'm totally cool, suave and composed at all times, but you should know that properly working Excel functions make me giddy.

9/9

This reference is only like 4 months late.

9/9

I surprised my girlfriend with tickets to see the Foo Fighters for our anniversary. She felt it necessary to inform me that me excitedly running out of the room to grab the tickets from their hiding spot was initially taken as me running out of the room to take an urgent dump.#TheMoreYouKnow

9/9

Today I managed to accidentally slice open my finger with a pair of child safety scissors. #NeverTellMeTheOdds

9/12

I'm sure this is an artistic impression of something....

9/13

Every sci-fi/horror/disaster movie has a team of like 5 experts in their field and then 1 regular dude that is tossed in because he either grew up in the area, or can cook, or his grandpa funded the expedition, etc. And today I came to the sad realization that I'm not even qualified to be the regular dude in those situations. Hell, Ernie Hudson joined the Ghostbusters for no other reason than the fact that he was just a guy looking for a job. I'm not qualified to be Ernie Hudson.

9/16

Conversations with a 6 year-old.
Me: "Abby, did you eat cookies for breakfast?"
Abby: "Yes, but they were so nummy."
Me: "I understand that struggle."

9/18

Really concerned about what was being measured in the men's room.

9/19

Last night, to the surprise of everyone on my hockey team, I scored 2 goals in quick succession. Immediately afterwards, I overheard the other team's captain telling his team that they needed to make sure to cover me, which worked out really well for us because as they were wasting coverage on me, the actual good players on my team were able to get open and make plays. #DiversionaryTactics

9/19

Update

9/22

Stop rubbing it in, Facebook! #FallSucks

9/23

Don't ask why I was looking at candles online, but for $500 this candle better be the size of a beer keg and have the same relaxing properties as Ambien.

9/25

Was on the sidelines of a 5k run this past weekend. Thought I'd take it upon myself to turn the race into an obstacle course.

9/27

Does anyone else have those people that you don’t know personally but can identify by name simply because you always see them leaving stupid-ass replies on your friends’ posts? Checking the comment section like, “Alright, let’s see what fucking Blake said now because I know it’s gonna be dumb. Glad that asshole isn’t my friend.”

9/29

There are so many things wrong with this. Gobbles up too much drawer space? How big of a pizza cutter are they using? Is that why this person's pizza cutter cost $23? Because all the ones I've found cost $5-$12, but maybe I'm just looking at the wrong size. Who the hell is cutting their pizzas with kitchen shears? Because you're wrong and you should be reminded of that constantly. Why don't you eat spaghetti with a garden trowel so you can save money and drawer space on forks, too? And pizza cutters being rarely used? Step off, you don't know how I live my life.

9/30

My girlfriend asked me to send her a bunch of pictures that I took of her and the kids playing at the park. In the midst of the 20 or so pictures I sent, I included this one of the team from Cool Runnings just because I thought it was a good one.

                Some people, you know they say they don’t believe. Thanks for reading!

-Ryan

August 2017 Joke Round-Up

                Well, shit, there goes August.  I found out that the people around me are perverts, that dog toys and sex toys look uncomfortably similar, and that flat-earthers are exactly as stupid as I’d imagined.  Here’s some jokes.

8/1

Today's social experiment was to put R.E.M.'s "Shiny Happy People" on repeat at work to see how many plays it took before the listeners being subjected to it ceased to be shiny happy people. 
Turns out it's 8.

8/2

Apparently, the word they were looking for was "vegan" but I felt like my answer was solid.

8/3

My girlfriend and I are building an outdoor playset for her kids and I was put in charge of getting the lumber for it because she knew I'd appreciate the chance to make endless jokes about how I got wood.

8/6

If it came down to it, I think I'd choose leaves over 1-ply. And I'm pretty sure, as a guy who recently had to shit in the woods, my opinion holds some weight.

8/8

Was a little concerned that my doctor was either practicing some seriously old school anesthesia techniques or thought he needed something to take the edge off before slicing into my foot.

8/8

This Mexican restaurant has live entertainment in the form of a dude in the corner playing guitar. He just played "Comfortably Numb" and I cannot even begin to express how disappointed I am that he didn't play it mariachi style.

8/11

See, I'ma tell you like Wu told me

8/14

Not sure how uncomfortable I'm supposed to feel about seeing this in my buddy's living room.

8/15

I'm surrounded by perverts.

8/18

On top of all of the obvious reasons that Nazis are literally the worst kind of scum, there is the rarely talked about impact they've had on fashion. First, they ruined the Chaplin-stache forever and now they've ruined white polos.

8/21

Just making sure nobody can read his hand.

8/22

I made the mistake of going out of my way to see what flat-earthers thought about the eclipse yesterday. Because sometimes I need new and exciting ways to be disappointed in humanity.

8/25

Have you ever accidentally dropped a crumb on the table at lunch and then go to retrieve and eat it (because you're not about wasting food) only to inadvertently put a previously-dropped crumb from an unknown source in your mouth, forcing you to then make the tough decision to either chew through the uncertainty or just spit it out? Asking for a friend.

8/27

Kahla: "Why is it that every time a natural disaster happens, the news finds the most redneck, hoosier people possible to interview?"
Me: "Tornadoes hit rural areas and hurricanes hit the south. That's the bulk of their populations."

8/29

Hurricane Harvey has been very aggressive. But the relief efforts have also been very aggressive. There's a lot of aggression on both sides.

                I was just lamenting to my girlfriend how I have an entire list of articles that I haven’t written because I’m a bum.  I promise that I’ll write them at some point, but I refuse to put a date on it because then I’ll feel like I’m drowning in obligation.  So there’s that.

-Ryan