April 2019 Joke Round-Up

                What a month April was.  At numerous points throughout the month I was absolutely certain that I’d only written like 4 jokes so far, but in compiling this round up I was pleasantly surprised to find that not only was I writing pretty steadily all month, but at one point I had 5 consecutive days with new jokes.  Now, I can’t guarantee the quality of those jokes, but they do indeed qualify as new jokes.  And boy did this month have it all: penis-shaped water bottles, me suffering debilitating brain injuries and lots and lots of jokes about me doing fat kid stuff.  Here they are.

4/1

Last night our daughter threw up in her bed. This was a huge moment for teamwork in our household because my fiancée remained calm and knew exactly what to do, whereas my initial course of action was to try to burn all the blankets and throw the bed away. #IBarfedToo

4/3

No Meatwad on the menu, though. Hmm... #NumberOneInTheHoodG

4/5

Tonight my fiancée and I got a regular Whopper and an Impossible Whopper from BK, cut them in half, and subjected each other to blind taste tests to see if we could tell a difference. Not sure what fun stuff everyone else is doing with their Friday night, but we've obviously set the bar pretty high. #FatKidGames

4/8

Make sure to stay hydrated during your workouts.

4/9

The other night while I was getting a couple of drinks at the bar, my fiancée playfully waved at me from across the room. Unfortunately (for him), the random guy next to me thought she was waving at him, so he went over to talk to her and proceeded to have the most awkward time ever. For once it felt good to not be the sad sack in the “Oops, they were actually waving at the person behind me” situation.

4/10

The first day of NHL playoffs got me feelin' some kinda way.

4/12

A while back my company had a big public event with local sports mascots, first responder vehicles for kids to check out, face-painting, balloon animals, etc. I was looking through the photos of the event and found my son in the background of one picture just absolutely not dealing with anyone's shit until he's had his hot chocolate.

4/14

Today I officiated my 2nd wedding. I received several compliments from people on the ceremony to which I kept replying, "Yeah, it's not my first wedding."

4/15

Because I also used it as part of a Halloween costume a few years back, the suit jacket that I wore to officiate the wedding yesterday has some (seemingly) permanent specks of glitter scattered all over it. I do believe that it adds a bit of gravitas to the ceremonies I perform.

4/16

The worst part of being me is that I can't just walk away from me when I start saying stupid shit.

4/17

Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh getting eliminated blew out the Eastern Conference of my bracket so now my kids are beating me in the NHL Bracket Challenge. I'm not 100% on all the intricacies of The Dad Handbook, but I'm pretty sure if they beat me I lose control of the thermostat. This is embarrassing.

4/18

The kids told me that they like our dog more than they like me. That's fine, I just hope the dog can cook them dinner and help them with homework. #Petty

4/21

Feeling festive today.

4/23

I do not understand people who enjoy camping sober. What is the point of being in the woods if you're not drunk in the woods?

4/23

Kahla: "It's annoying when I see people just share share share like 50 memes a day. You can appreciate something without sharing it."
Me: "I know people can appreciate things without sharing them because nobody shares my jokes."

4/24

Because of who I am fundamentally as a person, I sometimes get into debates/arguments with people on the internet. I will typically take the time to fully flesh out and support my point of view, which makes my posts a little bit on the longer side. And it seems that with increasing regularity, this is met by responses either condemning or poking fun at the length of my rebuttals. I gotta say, even if you disagree with someone, I don’t know if there’s a dumber stance to take than what essentially boils down to “Look at the nerd using words to convey ideas!”

4/24

Learning a lot at the zoo today. #PartyFoul

4/25

I was in an obnoxiously good mood today so I put this abomination together for lunch to give me a reason to be disappointed in myself.

4/28

I think an important part of any successful relationship is setting ground rules and expectations. For example, today I told my fiancée that if we ever have root beer on our shopping list and she comes home with Barq's, I will leave her.

4/29

Kinda wanna make healthy life choices. Kinda wanna fill a 33 gallon trash bag with popcorn and eat my way through it. #DecisionsDecisions

4/29

My brain has broken

4/30

Last night before I went to bed I found myself carrying our dog around the living room, rocking him, and singing a lullaby I made up on the spot called "Bedtime for Barclay." What is my life?

                I’m getting closer and closer to my wedding; less than 2 months to go now.  I’m certain as he wheels start turning faster and faster to the wedding date there will be some great moments because the way I handle stress is to make inappropriate jokes.  Stay tuned.

-Ryan

March 2019 Joke Round-Up

              March is done! I’m a year older now, which I think you can see some additional maturity in my jokes from the last half of the month (just kidding, I’m a child the whole way through).   This month was highlighted by a holiday for some beloved characters, my fiancée cussing out our Amazon Echo, and a fantastic song to cap off the month.  On to the jokes!

3/2

The kids were talking about middle names, so I asked them if they remembered what mine was.
Abby: "Captain Underpants."
Henry: "Batman?"

Brb, just going to legally change my name.

3/4

Having combined household finances is so weird because sometimes I'll look at my card statement and get really proud of how frugal I've been with my spending habits but in reality it's just that my fiancée has been buying all the groceries lately and I've essentially just been mooching off of her responsibility.

3/5

On more than one occasion in my life I have made a meal out of a microwave burrito that I've rolled inside a Totino's pizza.

I only mention this because today is Fat Tuesday and I want everyone to know that this is my time to shine bright like a diamond.

3/5

I have my suspicions that the seller is not being entirely honest.

3/6

Tomorrow I'm going to be a guest reader for my daughter's 1st grade classroom. I get to pick which book I read to them, so I hope these kids are ready for some Dostoyevsky. #CrimeAndPunishment

3/6

Weird reason for a holiday, but I guess I'm in. Happy Wednesday!

3/6

Yesterday, there was a notification showing on our Amazon Echo and upon asking Alexa what it was, I was informed that a package was delivered containing the surprise birthday gift my fiancée had ordered for me. Needless to say, since the surprise was spoiled most of my fiancée's interactions with the Echo have been, "Alexa, you're a bitch."

3/11

I got the kids donuts for breakfast. Then I watched them bring dishonor on the family by eating their donuts with forks.

3/12

I keep hearing a radio ad for a local car dealership that announces that they’re hiring by adding in “And if you like shopping with us, you’ll love working with us. Apply now” at the end of the commercial. I gotta say, I don’t really follow the logic in that pitch. I patronize plenty of places that I wouldn’t want to work. I like eating Taco Bell but I’m pretty certain I would not like working there.

3/13

I was worried about what would happen to this page on the off chance I ever lost access to my FB account, so I made my fiancée a page admin as well. It was basically like I proposed to her all over again.

3/13

Any time I interact with our family dog, Barclay, my speech very quickly degrades from standard English to Swedish Chef.

3/16

Yesterday I was sick with a 103 fever, but could still function mostly regularly so I went to work. Because part of the American Dream is only taking one of your very limited sick days when even pushing the button to tell Netflix you're still watching is too big of a hill to climb.

3/18

Some of my son's school work. He's trying to make a difference in the world.

3/19

I found out that you can ask Alexa to make fart noises and I honestly don't know why they haven't been advertising this feature of the Amazon Echo because it has improved my quality of life.

3/25

If you look at my Google search history, it pretty much just ping pongs back and forth between looking up stuff about Excel VBA macros and looking up stuff about Red Dead Redemption 2. This tells me that I'm incompetent at both work and play.

3/25

Every time I open the door on the convection oven to get my chicken nuggets out and get blasted in the face with hot air...

3/27

Found this in my fiancée's stuff. Glad we'll be able to avoid the bag check fees for our flight.

3/28

I've seen this riddle floating around FB as a challenge to either get it right or post some embarrassing picture or something (which is ridiculous because I willingly post all of my embarrassments already). Anyways, the riddle is always some variation of:

"Riddle: It's 7:00 AM. You are asleep and there is a sudden knock on the door. Behind the door are your parents who came to have breakfast. In your fridge are bread, milk, juice, and a jar of jam. To answer, what will you open first?"

And I don't care what the answer is supposed to be. My answer is "nothing." I open nothing. Not my eyes, not the door, not my arms for a hug or my heart and mind for understanding. If you are at my house unannounced, particularly at 7 in the morning, your ass will be stuck standing on that porch. I don't care who you are. Go away.

3/28

Catering by BK.

3/31

The place we're getting our wedding cake from is called It's A Piece Of Cake. And every time my fiancée mentions it by name I respond by singing, "to bake a pretty cake!" My continued annoyance of her with this has been the strongest test of our relationship thus far.

And if you don't get the reference, here's a fun video:
https://youtu.be/K5tVbVu9Mkg

                Seriously, if you didn’t click that link to listen to the song, do it.  And feel free to use my fantastic BK catering idea; it was a real crowd pleaser.

-Ryan

February 2019 Joke Round-Up

                 I started off February with a joke about farts and it would appear that after phoning it in for a while I realized that nothing could top that so mid-month I just took a whole week off from writing any jokes.   Without further ado, here are some jokes you’ve already read.

2/1

On the radio this morning they were discussing some list of the top 10 things that make people laugh, including sitcoms, puns, dad jokes, etc. I didn't catch who compiled it, but there was no mention of farts so obviously that list is bullshit.

2/2

We took the kids to Disney on Ice last night. Today I overheard my daughter excitedly giving her friends a highly critical and objective analysis of her experience:

"We went to Disney on Ice. There were Disney characters there. On ice."

2/2

I think the Pinewood Derby needs to be split into 2 separate events. One where the scouts race cars they legitimately designed and built. And another where all the dads just lay their dicks out next to a measuring tape.

2/4

It was time for my hockey team to undergo a name change. Thus far, the team has always used hockey related puns in the name and I definitely wanted to keep that going. With that, I gleefully settled on the new team name: Fast & Fuhr-ious.

2/8

I think the area where I’m most financially irresponsible is easily food. I’m aware that I spend more money than I should on snacks and shitty foods. This really wasn’t much of a problem before, but since my fiancée and I have combined finances, I now have someone else bearing witness to me being a fat kid. Now there’s another person who can look at my credit card statements and say, “I see you made 3 trips to QuikTrip in one day…” And now I’m over here contemplating cash transactions so there’s no paper trail on my gas station taquitos.

2/9

I made my fiancée watch the movie Captain Ron specifically so she would understand why every time she asks where I want to go on our honeymoon I respond with, "Have you heard of St. Croix? The island just to the left of it. Ted's!"

2/11

I was pretty tired at work today because just as I was about to head to bed last night I saw there was a rerun of Jeopardy on TV with a category about mattresses and I couldn't help but stay up to flex my expertise on the subject to the empty living room. #5for5

2/14

My son picked out Valentine's cards to give to his class that have a poop emoji on them and say, "You're da bomb." I really feel like there was a huge missed opportunity with these cards but I suppose "You're the shit" might be a bit much for 1st graders.

2/14

I texted my fiancée earlier today telling her that I was picking up stuff to make her a surprise. As a hint I told her "it usually costs extra."

She responded with "a happy ending?"

Guacamole. The answer was homemade guacamole.

2/21

Updating the "Notable Skills" section of my resumé to include: Able to multitask by being a positive influence and productive member of the team on a daily basis while simultaneously internalizing a seething rage.

Unfortunately, I don't believe that this is an entirely unique skill within my peer group.

2/21

I walked into this conversation between my fiancée and the kids last night.
Henry: “Who’s the smartest?”
Kahla: “Your dad is really smart.”
Abby (turning to me): “If you’re so smart, then tell me something about Pokemon.”
#GauntletThrown #ChallengeAccepted

2/22

We were all getting ready to sit down and watch a movie as a family the other night but had a few minutes to kill while my fiancée finished up an errand in the other room. Thinking that the kids might enjoy watching some of the dancing and theatrics while we waited to start the movie (and knowing that I would), I pulled up Youtube and turned on the music video for Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal.’ Abby had a meltdown and started whining because she didn’t like it. Needless to say, Henry now has 2 bedrooms and Abby lives in the yard.

2/24

The mirror broke out of this dresser. We did what any sane person would do.

2/27

Lately at work I've been listening to a lot of early to mid 2000s pop punk because I'm somehow still chock full of teenage angst. Today I switched it up and spent the day listening to Michael Cohen's testimony to Congress because I'm also apparently full of Constitutional angst.

2/28

I think the true magic of childhood is being so excited about school getting canceled that you don't notice the panic set in on your parents' faces as they try to figure who the hell they're going to have watch you for the day.

                So next month I’ll be personally completing one more revolution around the sun, but I can pretty much 100% guarantee you that this will have absolutely no effect on my level maturity, as I’ve yet to see any progress in that direction any other year.

-Ryan