I usually don’t participate in
Throwback Thursdays, but today I’m going to make an exception and offer a story
that happened a little over 10 years ago (actually, I was just struggling with an intro
and am using Throwback Thursday as an excuse).
As the title subtly implies, this story involves a mouse (I’m a master
of my craft). I’m not sure how many of
you have had a run-in with a mouse before, but this was my first. And I’d like to think that it set the bar
pretty high for any future encounters I may have.
My friends Adam, Kyle and I were
all hanging out in Kyle’s basement like we did pretty much every day as
teenagers because video games were fun, girls were scary and the sun was bright
(our lives haven’t changed much). The
set-up in the basement had a futon against the back wall, the TV directly
across from it, a couch on the right side and a mattress on the floor in the
middle of all of this. There were
usually blankets and pillows strewn everywhere, controller cords scattered
across the floor and the basement smelled distinctly of B.O. and stale popcorn,
but we were damn proud of it (the basement, not the B.O.; it was still a
confusing time in all of our lives).
After staying up all night
staring at the TV screen, eating shitty microwave snacks and drinking more soda
than any human being should, we were all pretty much in a zombie-like
state. Kyle had meandered over to the
computer to talk to girls on MSN Messenger (yes, this story is that old and no
he was not successful). Adam was firmly
entrenched on the futon playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I used this opportunity to pass out on the mattress
for a little bit before continuing the marathon of unhealthy, sedentary
activities (this is why childhood obesity is a problem, folks).
After a couple hours of
snoozing, I wake up to the sight of Adam and Kyle patrolling the basement with
airsoft pistols and room-sweeping tactics that they had lifted straight out of
80’s action movies. Kyle looks at me and
says, “Dude, you may wanna get up.”
“What? Why?
What happened?” I groggily reply.
“A mouse
dropped down from one of the ceiling tiles.
We haven’t found it yet.”
And with that, I was on my feet
and patrolling the basement with them.
We didn’t have any more airsoft pistols so I frantically looked around
the room for anything else I could use as a weapon. What I finally settled on was a bubble sword
(to this day, I’m not convinced that this was the wrong choice).
I call it
Mouse’s Bane
We stalked
around the room in a formation best described as “The Idiot Parade,”
overturning furniture, tossing blankets and shining a flashlight into every
dark corner of the room. Despite our
obvious organization, keen senses and natural hunting ability, we didn’t turn up
any trace of the mouse. Eventually, it
was decided that we needed to set some traps.
Unfortunately, we didn’t have any traps and would need to go buy
some. The three of us spent a bit of
time arguing over the best way to proceed (because we’re dumb). We decided that Adam and I would go to
WalMart to buy supplies and Kyle would stay there and keep an eye out for the
mouse.
As I said, this was quite some time ago, before any of us had our
licenses, so Adam and set out to walk the 3 miles to the store. We didn’t last very long; it was late, it was
dark outside and we had to keep hiding in bushes because we were out past
curfew (cops in our town don’t have much to do besides bust kids for being out
too late). We got about halfway there
and gave up, turning around to head back home.
Then we got about a third of the way home and gave up on that too,
calling Kyle’s mom to come pick us up from a gas station (did I mention that
we’re dumb?).
Upon our return, Kyle reported
that he hadn’t seen any signs of the mouse while we were gone (either because
the mouse stayed hidden or because he was too absorbed in playing Metal Gear
Solid 2 to notice). We all decided to
just go to bed. Thinking I was being
clever, I told Adam that I’d let him have the mattress for the night and I’d
take the couch (Kyle always got the futon).
I told him it was because I got to sleep on the nice mattress earlier,
so I’d take the lumpy couch for the night to make sure things were fair. My actual reasoning was because I figured if
the mouse bothered anyone during the night it would be the guy closest to the
floor, so I wanted to be on higher ground.
Adam fell for my ploy and happily took the mattress while I flopped down
on the couch (did I mention that we’re really dumb?).
I remember my dream that night
quite vividly: I was moving around some electronics and video game systems when
one of the cords dragged across my foot.
That was when I woke up and realized that something had actually moved
across my foot, and that it was now moving up my pant leg. I’m not sure if any of you have woken up to a
mouse running up your pants, but I think I’m safe in saying that no matter how
stoic you may be this is something that will shake you a little bit. And when I say “it will shake you a little
bit” I mean “You will bolt awake, kick off the covers and jump up screaming
‘HOLY SHIT THERE’S A MOUSE IN MY PANTS!’”
That is exactly what I did. I
kicked off my blanket as hard as I could, then watched as the little brown
rodent sailed through the air, over Adam’s head and landed on the other side of
the mattress before scampering away.
For whatever reason, being
awakened by their friend jumping up and down on the couch shouting “THERE WAS A
MOUSE IN MY PANTS” the very same night that they had previously been hunting a
mouse didn’t seem to really get either Kyle or Adam motivated. They both groggily rolled over, cussed me out
and told me to go back to sleep. Maybe
it just took a minute for it to register in their brains, or maybe it was the
fact that I absolutely refused stop shouting and let them fall back asleep (who
knows?), but they eventually got up and joined in my panic. We gathered up our pillows and blankets,
shook them out just to be safe, and went upstairs to sleep.
We went back out for traps the
next day, this time in a car. And
eventually the mouse was caught. But
that’s the story of the mouse that nearly got to 2nd base with me.
-Ryan
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