Open Letter to A&E

Dear A&E

                In light of your recent controversy surrounding Duck Dynasty and the statements made by Phil Robertson in his recent interview with GQ, I thought that I may selflessly offer my advice and service to you in overcoming this most inconvenient turn of events.  At this very moment, your Duck Dynasty brand is seeing some backlash and the show itself may very well be in jeopardy.  Even if the show does continue, one may wonder if the Duck Dynasty brand isn’t permanently damaged by the events that are even now, still unfolding.  I certainly cannot say whether the suspension of Phil from the show will calm the media storm, or cause a rift in the family, or cause the complete breakdown of the show; I can’t see the future.  But what I can tell you, is that it is important for you to act now in order to protect your network and ensure its continued sustainability. 

                What I am offering to you, is to help create your next big television series, naturally, starring me.  I believe that I could quite easily take up this task and perform not just adequately, but admirably.  Trust me, I’m hip and cool (I tell everyone I am and I am pretty sure they believe me) in addition to a bevy of other qualities that can help create your next reality show juggernaut.  In fact, in order to help sway your decision, I’ve compiled a list of The Top 5 Reasons Why The Ryan Rick Show is a Great Investment:

1)      Marketability

First and foremost, you need a product that you can market to the masses and let me tell, I have that coming out the wazoo (wherever that is, I hope it’s not gross).  My everyday life could easily be segmented into enticing promos for each weekly episode.  Whether it be a snappy (possibly cheesy?) one-liner, a sweet dance move, a drunken confession or a shouting match with one of my roommates, almost every interesting moment of my life can be neatly condensed into a 30 second teaser.  And let’s be serious, if you can put those guys’ faces on a poster and get people to watch their show, there is no reason why my face can’t do the same.  One of the things that I’ve learned in my life is that people like attractive people named Ryan (Reynolds, Gosling, Seacrest) and even if I’m the least attractive Ryan in that group, you can still use the name to trick people into watching.

2)      Merchandising Opportunities

Another important consideration for any show is how easily you can create additional revenue through sales of merchandise.   I have absolute faith in my ability to create merchandising opportunities.  T-shirts are a great place to start and, not to toot my own horn (beep beep), but I’m like a walking t-shirt slogan think-tank.   Pretty much half of the things I say can be put on the front of a t-shirt.   And the other half could go on the back.  Or you could put them all on the fronts and make twice as many t-shirts, your call.  Outside of t-shirts, I’m sure you’ll notice that I have finely groomed beard and I take great pride in my hair.  Naturally, this translates to Ryan Rick brand beard trimmer and Ryan Rick brand hair-styling paste (or a Ryan Rick Chia Pet!).   And it’s almost a given that my obnoxious ego would lend itself perfectly to a Ryan Rick bobble-head).  Really, I could keep going with this, but I have to still get to my other points.  Just know that the possibilities are endless (until you make a Ryan Rick brand everything, then the possibilities have ended).

3)      Relatable Personality

I think this is an often-overlooked trait of many reality show stars.  Whether they be a family of beardos who run the duck-call industry, or a bunch of rich housewives famous for being catty, or an over-zealous group of repo-men, one thing that many reality shows miss out on is the ordinary guy.  That’s something I can bring to TV.  I don’t have a gorgeous girlfriend or a fancy house or my own business or pretty much anything to possibly be jealous of.   I have a normal job, terrible luck with women and two roommates to create shenanigans with (that’s both drama and comedy right there…dramedy).  I’m sure you’ve noticed how stars that are relatable and seem approachable are always extremely popular. This is an opportunity to put someone that relatable on your network, because I don’t have to pretend like I’m “Joe Everyman.”  I already have literally no reason to think I’m better than anyone.

4)      Availability

Another big selling point, and some particularly great news for you guys, is that I am available to start filming at any time.  And I don’t have any schedule conflicts whatsoever for the foreseeable future, so we could film season after season of footage with nothing to interfere.  It may seem strange for someone who is obviously as awesome as I’ve lead you believe I am, but I do have a pretty wide open schedule.  Seriously.  Completely open.  I’ve got nothing going on.  I can start filming tomorrow if you guys are good for it.  What are you doing Saturday? Wanna hang out? Please? Anyone?

5)      Price

I think one of the best reasons to give me my own TV show is how amazingly affordable it would be for your network.  I know what you’re thinking, “This guy sounds amazing! But can we really afford such greatness?”  Well, put those worries away because I am definitely on the inexpensive side.  More appropriately, I’m on the unreasonably cheap side.  And I really do mean unreasonably cheap because I have very low standards and don’t understand shame (plus, I can work magic with Ramen noodles).  Knowing that a primary concern for any show is ensuring its profitability, you should absolutely have no problem turning a profit with me on board because I am a college graduate, which means that I have grown quite comfortable living life under a mountain of debt.  In fact, I could probably even show you guys a thing or two about saving money and living frugally (tip 1: if it doesn’t smell rotten, it’s probably still safe to eat).

As I’m sure you can see, all of my qualifications are in order and I’m clearly a great fit for a television show on your network.  And aside from all of these great (and clearly not made-up) qualities, you can rest easy knowing that I (probably) will not offend anyone with off-color commentary.  People seem to genuinely like me and I assume that it’s because I smell nice, but also because I’m not an asshole.   And I think that’s the kind of guy you can afford to take a chance on.

                                                                           Sincerely,

                                                                            Ryan Rick (not an asshole)

Unnecessary Panic

                It’s officially been one day since I've had a blog and my brain is already losing its shit over the perceived rigors of maintaining a blog.  And not just any blog, but a blog that I haven’t fully decided if I’m going to keep and one that I haven’t shown  anyone yet.  Yes, my brain is stressing out over the ability to keep up with this hobby for my audience of no one.

                What’s even more absurd about this is that this isn't even technically my 2^nd post.  I actually have a small handful more that I wrote before I even made this blog, so that I could release new content gradually and give myself time to write and be creative without an ever-impending feeling of “I've got nothing to post!”  But my brain, in its panic over a non-shortage of posts on a non-essential project for a non-existent fan base actually inspired me to write this post explaining the complete lack of a problem.  So, on the bright side:  yay, new content.  And on the other side: wtf brain? Chill out!

                I guess while I’m already writing I’ll attempt to explain what kind of content will likely show up on this blog.  I've already got a couple of goofy stories written about actual events in my life, and I’ll inevitably go on a tirade about something that annoys me at some point.  Perhaps there will be some humorous observations about everyday things as well.  You (my non-existent reader) should probably not expect it to be real high-brow, sophisticated humor because I’ve already got a storied past of disappointing people and I don’t want to add my zero readers to that long list of disappointed people as well.  And to be honest, historically I’ve had some very well received bathroom observations and toilet humor.  Some might say that’s childish, but I think it’s just good marketing because we may not all have the same hobbies, interests and affiliations, but I can guarantee that you’ve used a bathroom in recent memory.  And that makes me relatable.

-Ryan

The Experiment

I’ve never been a fan of blogs.  I think it’s because I don’t really understand them.  Is it like a diary?  If so, why would I share it with people? And why would anyone be interested in reading it? I barely care what I’m doing, so I can’t imagine that anyone else cares what I’m doing.

            Ultimately, I am starting this as an experiment, because I have no idea if I can be a comedic writer.  I don’t know if I can have sustained humor across several paragraphs, or even sentences for that matter.  I worry about it.  It literally keeps me up at night. Not literally, because I still sleep fine.  So I guess it just figuratively keeps me up at night.  Is that a thing? Being figuratively kept awake?

            Regardless, people tell me I’m funny and I believe them because I like to blindly believe things that make me feel better about myself.  I know some people seem to get a kick out of my one-liners that I post on Facebook (probably nobody reading this right now because I haven’t shown anyone this blog yet…future readers, please let me know if I’m rich and famous now…and if I’ve turned into a douche because of the fame).  And I’ve been led to believe that people think I’m amusing in person, though I often wonder if I’m amusing in that “Oh, that’s tragic” sort of way.

            Where was I? Talking about how I’m trying to see if I can actually be funny while writing for extended periods of time.  Well, we’ll see where this goes.  This experiment may last a while; it may even cease to be an experiment.  Or I might get distracted and forget about it in favor of something else.  I’m gonna go make a sandwich.

-Ryan