We are a month into 2018 and it’s literally the same as every
other month and year ever because dates are just a meaningless human construct
designed to aid us in organizing ourselves.
This month I had lots of questionable diet choices, including ramen
noodles, Tide Pods, provocatively named vegetables and dino chicken
nuggets. Seriously though, I made a joke
about Tide Pods and then the trend of them kept going so like 2 weeks later I
made another jokes about them because people are stupid and this is what our
society has come to. Anyways, here are
the jokes.
1/2
A boil order was issued for my area but I was
just going to use the water to make ramen, which is toxic anyway, so I'm really
not too concerned about it.
1/3
I think the competitors on obstacle course shows
(Ninja Warrior, Wipeout, Ultimate Beastmaster, etc.) become a lot less
impressive when you consider the fact that a short, pudgy, Italian plumber has
been doing that same kinda stuff for like the last 35 years now. And all while
high on mushrooms.
1/4
Just following trends here.
1/4
Trump said that his nuclear button is
"bigger" than Kim Jong Un's. Really, I think we all know that Trump's
is actually a normal-sized button that just looks really large next to his tiny
hands.
1/10
My co-worker was eating a big salad that looked
really good and got me craving one as well. But I didn't have any way to
acquire my own big salad so I ate a bunch of chocolate instead. #FitIn2018
1/11
I used to wear belts because my pants were loose.
Now I wear belts because I need a failsafe in case the button on my pants gives
out mid-day.#SafetyFirst
1/13
Went to the casino tonight. Spent a few minutes placing
max bets on a nickel video poker machine so I could feel like part of the 1%,
if only for a brief time.
1/16
The other day the kids were not listening and for
the first time ever I broke out the middle names. Holy crap that kinda power
could really go to someone's head.
1/19
I couldn't afford Tide Pods so I opted to pour
myself a glass of Purex instead.
1/19
I found a plastic coin jammed into the disc slot
on my Nintendo Wii. I have never struck a child, but today I considered it.
1/21
I wonder if people in other countries ever get
confused about how America simultaneously has hyper-nationalism and widespread
hatred for the Patriots.
1/22
I like how Republicans will work against their
own interests and consider it a victory as long as they make liberals mad.
That's like painting dicks all over your house because your neighbors will
think it's an eyesore.
1/28
This must be an an attempt to get people to eat
healthier.
1/30
"This union is in a tremendous state. The best. Some would
even say, and you hear this a lot, that it's the stateliest union they've ever
seen. Experts say this. Very smart people. Hillary couldn't have gotten a union
to this state."
1/31
The kids are coming to my place tonight so my girlfriend can take
her mom out for her birthday. In preparing for this, I went and bought a bunch
of food I know they like that they could choose from for dinner: dino chicken
nuggets, macaroni and cheese, chicken soup, hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc.
It still just looked like a normal trip to the grocery store for
me. #RefinedPalate
Onward to February!
-Ryan