It’s
time for yet another monthly joke round up.
Looking back on this month, I had this Blues home opener on the 8th,
which clearly inspired me to make far too many jokes that day, I had a night
out at a bar on the 16th, which led to a lot of alcohol induced
jokes and I made a few jokes on news stories and current events this month,
which makes me topical and relevant.
Enjoy!
10/1/2011
"I'm a slow learner, but when I learn it I learn it fast." – #Knuckles
10/1
So, Clinton County comes in at No. 10 on this list with 23%
of residents reporting excessive drinking. I think that makes this list
inaccurate because, from my experience, Clinton County residents have a much
different definition of what they believe constitutes "excessive
drinking."
10/1/2014
October is National Bullying Prevention Month. So, if you know someone
who is a bully, punch them in the face. A bloody nose tends to be a great
deterrent.
10/1
We got some new mattresses in at work and I'm using my time
today to test them out so I can better describe them to customers. It may look
like I'm napping but I'm actually working quite hard.
10/1
Rachel: "You collect a lot of people as
friends."
Me: "People are drawn to me."
Anthony: "And/or desperate."
Me: "I'll take desperate."
10/2
A recent study suggests that pornography users think more
highly of women and hold more egalitarian views. I'm looking forward to when
this starts coming up in conversation: "I'm not gonna tell you that I've
long been a supporter of women's equality; I think you should check my internet
browser history and decide for yourself."
10/2
Just saw a guy walk up to another guy who was at a urinal and
pass the pisser $30 over his shoulder mid pee. I don't know what's happening in
this bathroom but I am suddenly very uncomfortable.
10/3
Think about how weird dick pics were back in the day. You had
to take the photos, wait for the film from your disposable camera to be
developed, then mail them out to women (or presumably hand them to women on the
street). Life is so much easier now. #DontSendDickPics
10/3
Sometimes I have body image issues but then I remember that
I'm cute as hell.
10/3
I just photo-bombed this same couple 6 times. At this point I
don't know if they're oblivious to my presence or if they just really want a
picture with me but are too shy to ask.
10/4
Sometimes I see a girl walking down the street and think to
myself "Damn, she is beautiful," but then I treat her with the same
respect that any other human being deserves and don't say stupid, derogatory
shit to her while she's just trying to go about her day unharassed.
10/4
Just stuck a temporary tattoo on my arm. It's a spider.
Feeling pretty badass right now.
10/5
It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I have to be honest
and confess to everyone: I do not have strong selfie game.
10/6
I saw an article online today titled "12 Signs You May
Have an Anxiety Disorder." I didn't read the article because I got really
worried that it might insinuate that I have an anxiety disorder.
10/7/2014
I think it's important not to be blatantly obvious about being attracted
to someone as it can be off-putting if you're too forward. That's why when I'm
interested in someone I make it a point not to talk to them.
10/7
#Knuckles: "I've been
drinking for 25 years."
Me: "You were drinking when you were
7?"
#Knuckles: "Shit. I mean 15.
I rounded wrong."
10/8
"Hey girl, why settle for only being let down by the playoffs? You
can be disappointed by me all year round." #PickUpPutDowns #LGB
10/8
"Hey girl, sorry if I'm coming on too strong or if I seem
desperate, but you're cute and the Blues don't have any Cups so I'm awful
thirsty."#PickUpPutDowns #LGB
10/8
"Hey girl, what's the difference between the Blues and me? The
Blues will probably score tonight." #PickUpPutDowns #LGB
10/8
Kyle: "In 7 minutes I'm getting a hot
dog."
Me: "Well I'm drinking. Like a fucking
American."
10/8
I see a guy here wearing an Edmonton Oilers jersey and a
fanny pack. Canadians are ridiculous.
10/8
The mini fridge in our suite put up a valiant fight, but in
the end we were victorious and finished every beer in there.
10/8
#Knuckles is my designated driver tonight.
My life has fallen into complete disarray.
10/9
I heard that women find a sense of humor attractive. Which means that
I'm either not as funny as I think I am, or that I have no other redeeming
qualities.
10/9
I saw a picture of a traffic jam on a 50 lane road in China. I get
nervous when I have to cross 2 lanes of traffic to reach my exit. Pretty sure
I'd have a panic attack if I had to cross 48 lanes.
10/11/2014
Currently using this open bar to get club soda and treat the stain I
just made on my shirt.
10/11
I'm not saying that I'm proud of the things that I do, but
I'm not as embarrassed as I probably should be.
10/12
I saw a girl who had her kid on one of those child leashes
and it seemed like a great idea. But I'd take it a step further and get one of
those retractable leashes from PetsMart. While I was there I'd also pick up one
of those tie-down stakes so I could let my kid play out in the yard.
10/12
My neighbors are using a 2 liter bottle of Shasta Cola as a
door stop. This neighborhood has really gone downhill; the old neighbors used
Pepsi.
10/13
I'm looking forward to when baseball is over and my news feed
can get back to pictures of food, gym selfies, people breaking up & getting
back together with their SO countless times, photos claiming "1 like = 1
prayer", people tagging themselves at home and wishing all of Facebook
goodnight like they're writing in their diary, and all the other things that I
also do not care about.
10/13
Daniel: "My brother is a big Chiefs
fan, but I don't really follow hockey."
Me: "Well, good news for you; the Chiefs
play football."
Daniel: "Shit..."
10/13
I asked #Knuckles to turn off the CO2 valve on the
kegerator. Confused, he asked me which way to turn it, so I told him
"Righty tighty, lefty loosey." I then watched as he turned the CO2 on
full blast because he apparently doesn't know right from left.
10/14/2014
In honor of Columbus Day, I crossed the river into Missouri today,
declared everyone there an Illinoisan and gave several of them smallpox.
10/14
My friends are artistic. It is also likely that they hold a
lot of (not-so-hidden) contempt for me.
10/15
Business Insider made a list of "Things Men Should Never
Wear." One of the items on that list is Cargo Pants. I think they're just
jealous of all the cool stuff I can carry in my cargo pockets. Yeah, dress
slacks look nice but I can fit a whole 6-pack of beers in my pants. That seems
like exactly the kind of thing a grown man needs to be wearing.
10/15
I don't have any ladies to text so I'm texting dudes about
ladies
10/16/2014
So, I'm going to dress as Freddie Mercury for Halloween. I need to
convince#Knuckles to dress as David Bowie so we can show up random places and
sing "Under Pressure."
10/16
I don't care how gorgeous a woman is or how great her personality is, if
she wears cowboy boots, I'm out. #DealBreaker
10/16
Me: "I was digging the blonde one but I was clearly
digging her more than she was digging me. It's a problem I'm very familiar
with."
Joel: "I know what you mean."
Me: "Fuck you, you're too handsome to know
what I mean."
10/16
They're playing "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk" here.
There is no good reason that #Knuckles isn't out there dancing right now.
10/16
I drink liquor instead of beer because I'm trying to be
healthy.
10/16
#Knuckles is playing Farmville at the bar.
10/16
I don't care where I'm at, I will do the Electric Slide
because I am a huge fan of electricity.
10/17/2014
I found out that #Knuckles gets in the shower and then turns on the
water instead of turning on the water and then getting in after it is warm.
Clearly, he is a terrorist.
10/18/2013
When people talk about how much they love fall I interpret it as "I
like when everything is cold and dead."
10/18
When Hollywood finally gets around to making a movie about my life, I
think#Knuckles should be played by Gary Busey.
10/18/2014
I think the most dangerous place for a zombie apocalypse to start would
be a haunted house/theme park. You wouldn't know if they were real zombies or
if the workers were just really committed to their roles
10/19
Whenever I go on a dinner date, I make it a point to order something on
the menu that's on the more expensive side because I know the girl is using the
price of my meal as a guideline to pick hers. So even though I really want that
$6.99 burger, I order diamond-crusted albino lobster just to subtly let her
know that she can order whatever she wants. Because I'm a gentleman. A big,
dumb gentleman.
10/19/2013
I will never cheat in a relationship. The thought of me attracting not
one, but two women is absolutely preposterous.
10/20
I'm miserably full right now but I just got asked if I would like more
free prime rib. That's like asking if I'd like more blowjobs. The answer is
always a resounding (possibly sleepy)
"YES!"
10/21
I think it would be fun to get a group of friends together
for one of those souvenir old time photos and while everyone else poses in
their antique clothes, I stand in the background of the photograph wearing my
Marty McFly costume and looking confused.
10/21/2014
I just ate a piece of bread slathered with garlic butter. It was
basically just a conscious acceptance of the fact that nobody will be looking
to kiss me today.
10/21
In case anyone thought I was joking yesterday when I said I'd be dressed
as Marty McFly all day. I'm a man of my word. #GreatScott
10/21
I've spent a good portion of my day out running errands and
not a single person has said anything about my outfit. This means that either
people have recognized that I'm dressed as Marty McFly but are too embarrassed
for me to say anything, or they don't recognize the outfit and just think I'm a
guy who doesn't know how to dress himself.
10/22
I think everyone has had that moment where a friend feels
compelled to let you know what your ex is up to and the only sensible response
is, "Thanks for the update dude; while we're on the subject of shit I
don't wanna talk about, I've got some traumatic childhood experiences you could
bring up, too."
10/22/2013
At the haunted houses last night you could tell even under all the gory
makeup that some of the girls working there were pretty cute. Naturally, I hit
on one of them. Sure, she may have been snarling and chasing me
with a chainsaw, but at least I know she's crazy from the start instead of
finding out 6 months into the relationship.
10/23
I have 19 voicemails in my phone. I really want to clear out the
notifications but am overly anxious about the time I need to invest to go
through them all. So I just keep letting them pile up as I grow more distressed
about it. I create my own problems.
10/23/2013
One of my roommates left me a 12 pack of ramen. I was excited about it
at first. Then I was depressed because being excited over free ramen is like a
whole new level of poverty.
10/24/2014
There's some girl at this bar dancing around in running shorts, a sports
bra and an unzipped jacket. I can't help but think that she was out for a jog
when she heard the music and just couldn't resist the urge to get down.
10/24
Despite the fact that I moved into my apartment over 5 years ago, the
previous tenants have apparently still not bothered change their address. On
the bright side, I am enjoying their subscription to Us Weekly.
10/24
I think the biggest reason that I haven't been the best man at a wedding
is because people are afraid of the toast I'd give.
10/25
It's so rare that I have the opportunity to put someone's number in my
phone that I forget how to update my contacts when it actually happens.
10/25/2009
I’m really good at doing things that don't matter.
10/25
Sometimes, when you're an awkward person, you make the mistake of
telling a blind person, "See ya around!"
10/25
This is what my life has come to.
10/26/2013
When I was in high school I took a class called "Keyboarding."
I thought I was going to learn how to play Europe's "The Final
Countdown." Turns out the class was about learning to type faster. Huge
letdown.
10/26
There's always so many fad diets going around, I think a lot of people
forget that the easiest way to lose weight is poverty.
10/26
I had a customer bring me cookies today. Not sure if this
means that they thought I was doing a good job or if they just thought I looked
fat and hungry. Either way, I'm pretty stoked about it.
10/27
So, now processed meats (such as ham, bacon, sausage &
hot dogs) "definitely" cause cancer and red meats (like beef, pork
& lamb) "probably" cause cancer. Oh well, this is me not caring
in the least as I work my way towards my delicious, delicious cancer.
10/27
Thought maybe the closed ticket booth was part of the
experience...turns out it was just closed.
10/27
*watching Children of the Corn*
Me: "You know what this place needs more of?"
Michael: "Corn?"
Me: "Yup."
10/28
Got this sweet hat.
10/28
Hot dogs and bacon cause cancer? Challenge accepted.
10/28
Was driving down the highway and attempting to change lanes.
Checked all around to make sure it was clear, then managed to see my own car's
shadow out of the corner of my eye as I was merging. Nearly ruined the
upholstery in my car. I was literally scared by a shadow. Because I'm lame.
10/28
Continuing my deliciously self-destructive path towards cancer with a
steak burrito. #NoFear
10/29/2012
When I was younger, I knew that I wanted to be awesome when I grew up.
Now I'm awesome, but still haven't grown up.
10/30/15
It's important to have discipline and goals in life. So, I set some
parameters for myself.
If I sell something today, I'm having rice for
dinner.
If I don't sell anything today, I
don't get dinner.
If I sell a lot today, I get to put butter in my
rice.
10/30
I feel like it's worth sharing that this morning I got up
early, got showered and ready for work, then took a 30 minute nap before
leaving the house. And I managed to rationalize to myself that this was a
better idea than just staying in bed longer to begin with. Nothing I do even
makes sense any more.
10/30/2014
I read an article that said women are more attracted to guys with
beards. And I think that's true because since I grew mine I've noticed an
exponential increase in the number of women who are interested in me. Of
course, an exponential increase in zero is still zero, but the math and logic
are sound.
10/30
My work project today was to direct and film a short video of one
co-worker killing another. I'm a professional.
10/30
Somebody told me that I'm "like basically the perfect
guy."
I told her, "I'm not perfect. I have poor
eyesight."
10/31
If you need a scary last minute Halloween costume go as
President Trump. All you have to do is wear a suit, have terrible hair and say
ignorant shit all night.
Stay tuned for more fun things this month, including the
fabled Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 2!
-Ryan