The first month of
2017 is in the books and it sucked. The
Blues played so terribly that the only way I could console myself was to eat a
second-hand hot dog, I accidentally told an entire bar about my sweaty butt, we
have a bright orange Commander in Tweet running the country, and I found out my
girlfriend has terrible taste in music.
On the bright side, I managed to actually write an article that wasn’t
just a list of jokes, even if it was short and unsatisfying (that’s what she
said). So, here’s the jokes.
1/1
Realistically, I handle most of my problems exactly like Mariah Carey
did last night: I wander around not knowing what the hell to do and repeating
mostly innocuous statements just hoping someone notices the annoyance in my
voice.
1/2
Saw a local St. Louis news team interviewing some Blackhawks fans before
the Winter Classic game today. I think that's just further proof that the news
thrives on creating controversy.
1/8
I thought my girlfriend might be the one, but she just told me she likes
Disturbed's cover of "Sound of Silence" more than Simon &
Garfunkel's so now we're fighting.
1/9
I like when people complain about celebrities publicly endorsing
causes and speaking their minds but can't see the irony of it when they're
posting their own opinions on Facebook.
"They need to keep their opinions to themselves!" -
dipshits on the Internet who can't keep their opinions to themselves.
1/12
I changed the cabin air filter in my car yesterday. My
girlfriend told me I should change it more frequently "because it's
probably clogged with farts."
She's not wrong, but sometimes words hurt, too.
1/12
I think that if you're freaking out over icy weather before anything
even happens then you're basically letting the terrorists win.
1/19
Obama is gonna have a busy afternoon because he's still supposed to take
away all the guns before he leaves office.
1/19
About to steal one of these hot dogs from under the seat in front of me
at the hockey game....
1/19
Success! #TheGreatHotDogCaper
1/19
It's amazing all the extra little details of the game that you can see
when sitting this close. For example, I noticed the glass fogging up from the
steaming dump the Blues took on the ice.
1/19
I saw a guy
in the bathroom at Scottrade snapping a photo of an ad for a divorce lawyer.
So, someone is having a worse night than the Blues.
1/20
Woke up this morning without any guns. Pretty sneaky, Obama.
1/21
This past week, the Blues had 2 different promotional nights: their
annual Star Wars Night and their first ever Pride Night. As you could probably
have foresaw, there was some backlash to Pride Night from exactly the types of
people you'd expect it from. Me, being the shit-starter that I am, took some
quotes from people angry at Pride Night and made slight alterations to apply
those same objections to Star Wars Night and then posted it in a Blues fan
group that I'm in. Because I felt that to be the most appropriate way to combat
intolerance.
1/24
I'm eating ice cream and garlic bread. There's some slight concern that
I may be pregnant. And I'm even more worried about Republicans trying to shut
down Planned Parenthood now.
1/27
Sat under an archway at this bar, which created an echo allowing me to
eavesdrop on multiple conversations happening around the bar. Failed to take
into account that the effect worked both ways so a good chunk of the bar got to
listen in on me talking about sweaty butts.
1/31
Just trying to be a good boy.
Also, I don't actually have any stitches.
Historically,
February has always been a shitty month since basically the beginning of time,
so I’m glad it’s short. Let’s just all
try to stay alive these next 28 days.
-Ryan