As I’ve said in
the past, sometimes a single night of drinking can spawn several crazy stories
all at once. And sometimes, a single
night of drinking can spawn just one entirely ridiculous story. Sometimes, there are parts of that story that
are so entirely inconceivable that I have to do a double take myself, even
while I’m in the middle of things happening (having a drunken existential
crisis is dangerous and terrifying because drunk-you has some very creative
ways of trying to find out if you’re in real life). Based on my well-documented track record with
women this story has one major leap of faith for you, but trust me when I say
that you’ll be rewarded if you stick around til the end.
This night started
off simple enough: I met up with my buddy and we went out to a popular local
bar (Fast Eddie’s, for those in the area) to celebrate his birthday. Drinks were flowing, music was playing, fun
was being had; it was a really great time.
It wasn’t long before a few of us found ourselves out on the dance
floor. If I haven’t already mentioned
it, the dance floor is probably my most natural habitat and this night was no
different as I am not ashamed to say that I was absolutely tearing it up out
there (let me have this one thing, I’ll go back to self-loathing here in a
minute). Surprisingly enough, I started
dancing with some random girl out on the dance floor and we really seemed to
hit it off. Song after song came on and we
kept dancing together and chatting the whole time; arguably the most success I’ve
had with a woman in recent (or distant) memory.
Every so often, we’d
take a break from the dancing to go grab a drink and chat some more. It was during one of these breaks that we
were introduced to this girl’s roommate/friend.
From this point in the story, to alleviate any confusion, we will refer
to the girl I was dancing with as Hotlips and her friend as Hairdo (I didn't like her hair style). Well, we all went back out to the dance
floor and I continued to dance with Hotlips as my buddy now danced with
Hairdo. As the night wore on and more
drinks continued to flow I eventually ended up just making out with Hotlips in
the middle of the dance floor (1, because I’m classy like that and 2, that’s
why I named her Hotlips in this story).
It wasn’t long before Hotlips took the initiative and said those 6 magic
words, “Put my number in your phone,” which I happily did. She also made it a point to tell me she
thought I was really cool and that I better text or call her the next day
because she liked me. I promise, as much
as I’m using this paragraph to stroke my own ego, this will play a role later
in the story.
After a while,
Hotlips and Hairdo told us that their group of friends was going to go to
another bar nearby and insisted that we come with them. This
seemed like all the convincing any of us needed because we like going new
places and doing fun things, so my buddy and I hopped in his car and followed
their group to the next bar. Somewhere
in this whole story I should probably mention that my buddy is married, his
wife was along with us and that she had told him for his birthday she was
getting him a threesome with another girl (this is an important fact because it
creates a nice compare & contrast situation with my own night). So, at this next bar, my buddy, his wife and
Hairdo all sat together chatting it up and making googly-eyes at one another while
Hotlips and I sat at an adjacent table chatting, drinking and having a good
time of our own. We weren’t at this bar
very long before Hairdo suggested that we all go back to her place to hang
out. Hotlips looked at me and said “I
want you to come too, but I’m not going to sleep with you tonight.” Now, not only can I totally respect that,
but I hadn’t even expected any sex that night because I know what my chances
are with women and I am comfortable with going to be alone, so my totally
appropriate response was, “That’s okay, I wasn’t gonna sleep with you
first. But I don’t have a car here so I
have to go where everyone else goes.”
All 5 of us piled into my buddy’s vehicle and we were off to Hairdo
& Hotlips’ place.
The car ride was
pretty uneventful aside from the fact that Hotlips passed out on the back seat
and Hairdo kept yelling at me that I wasn’t allowed to sing along to the radio
because she wanted to sing along to the radio.
Some people are just rude.
We got to their
place and my buddy’s wife had to run off to grab something or other but said
she’d be back shortly. Hotlips began
absentmindedly wandering from room to room before ultimately disappearing,
Hairdo began showing my buddy her collection of vinyl records and I found a dog
in the house so I immediately sat down on the floor to pet it because that’s
where my priorities are. It wasn’t very
long before Hairdo and my buddy were dancing around to Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Lights and I
was scratching that doggie’s belly until his leg was kicking because, again,
priorities. At this point, however, I
began concocting an exit strategy because I had a strong inkling that Hotlips
was passed out somewhere and I didn’t want to just be chilling in some stranger’s
living room while Hairdo was having a threesome with my buddy and his
wife. My inner-monologue and planning
was suddenly interrupted by Hairdo yelling at me to go into Hotlips’ room
because “She’s in there waiting for you.”
I argued back that she was already passed out and not even aware I was
there, but Hairdo was insistent on getting me the hell out of the living room,
so I wandered into Hotlips’ room, shut the door, sat on the floor and spent
about 5 minutes listening to her horrendous snoring while I worked out the
logistics of my escape plan.
After a few minutes, with my plan all hashed up, I
walked out of the room and into the living room, right past my buddy and Hairdo
still dancing, confidently declared “I’m gonna run down to that McDonald’s we
passed and get some food,” and was then out the door before anyone could
object. I had to get my phone out and
use Google Maps to actually find the McDonald’s that I was referencing, but I
basically Ferdinand Magellan’d my way through some yards and side streets until
I got there. I also spent a fair amount
of time hiding in bushes because every time I saw a car coming I would dive out
of sight in case it was my buddy’s wife, who I didn’t want to see me and ask
where I was going (the food story worked once, but I didn’t know if I could
chance it again, plus it kinda made me feel like a badass).
I also took this time walking to McDonald’s to download the Über app to my phone and hire someone to pick me up at McDonald’s. Since the McDonald’s was at the corner of 2 busy roads and obviously well-lit and well-trafficked, it seemed like a logical place to get a ride. I would like to take a moment to point out how well thought-out this entire thing was and pat myself on the back for it (shut up, I can be proud of myself sometimes).
I should probably invest in a ghillie suit for my next
adventure.
I also took this time walking to McDonald’s to download the Über app to my phone and hire someone to pick me up at McDonald’s. Since the McDonald’s was at the corner of 2 busy roads and obviously well-lit and well-trafficked, it seemed like a logical place to get a ride. I would like to take a moment to point out how well thought-out this entire thing was and pat myself on the back for it (shut up, I can be proud of myself sometimes).
After a little bit of a wait, my Über driver showed up and I hopped in the backseat of his car
(I assumed that’s where I was supposed to sit because it’s like a cab, right?). Now, I don’t actually know the address to my
buddy’s place, but I know it’s right behind another McDonald’s so I asked the
driver to take me to the McDonald’s at that intersection because it was the
easiest, most logical directions I could give him. Yes, I hired an Über
driver to take me from one McDonald’s to another. Unfortunately, before we even got out of the
parking lot (before we actually started moving) there was a cop car behind us
with his lights on. I don’t want to say
that the cop was pulling us over, because we were already parked, but there was
a little bit of confusion as to whether or not we should try to pull over more.
Basically this.
Now,
this is where things got really interesting.
The cop walked up to the driver’s side of the vehicle and both myself
and the driver rolled down our windows to talk to him.
Cop: “What’s going on here? Why is
this guy picking you up at McDonald’s? How do you know him?”
Me: “It’s the Über driver I hired to give me a ride back to my car.”
Cop: “Where are you guys going?”
Driver: “The McDonald’s at the corner of St. Charles Rock Road and
Natural Bridge.”
Cop: “You’re going from one McDonald’s to another? Get out of the car.”
Now, I’m not sure if
this cop was just having a bad night or if he thought he was thwarting a global
McNugget smuggling operation or what, but I quickly realized that now was now
the appropriate time to tell him that I was going to another McDonald’s because
this one was out of Sweet N Sour dipping sauce so I was taking my business
elsewhere. Sometimes I do know when to
shut up.
Me: “Is there a problem here, officer?”
Cop: “I said get out of the car!
Go stand next to the front of my cruiser and keep your hands where I can
see them.”
So, I got out of the car
and walked over to the police cruiser, wondering if I’m going to somehow get
arrested for legally hiring a ride. It’s
also worth mentioning that the cop was white and my driver was a black guy who
I am totally sure was thinking “Well, I’m fucked here” because that’s pretty
much what he said as soon as the cop put his lights on behind us.
Cop: “What’s really going on here?”
Me: “I was at a party at some peoples’ house nearby. I needed to leave but didn’t have my car so I
hired this driver to meet me here because it’s a pretty public place. I have the Über
app pulled up on my phone if you want to see all the driver info and
everything.”
Cop: “So if I ask him if he’s an Über
driver he’s going to corroborate that story?”
Me: “Yes, that’s his job. I
can show you the app right here….”
Cop: “I don’t need to see that!
How are you paying this guy?”
Me: “The app charges my credit card directly. Here, I can show you it has all of his info,
his vehicle’s info and my card info showing the ride paid for.”
Cop: “PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY, I DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT! Stay right here, I’m going to go talk to him.”
I watched as the cop
talked to the driver for a little bit and thought to myself about how great of
a story this whole situation was going to me.
After only a couple of minutes, the cop came back over to me.
Cop: “What’s really going on here?”
Me: “What? I told you, I was
at a party here and it was time for me to go but I didn’t have my car because I
rode there with someone else so I hired a driver through the Über app. I still have
it pulled up on my phone…”
Cop: “Why is this guy picking you up at McDonald’s?”
Me: “Because that’s the spot I chose for him to pick me up. It seemed easier than some random house in
the neighborhood.”
Cop: “Where’s he taking you?”
Me: “My car. I don’t know
the address of my buddy’s apartment but I know it’s right behind where the
McDonald’s is, so that’s where I told the driver to go.”
Cop: “What’s really going on here?”
Me: “I don’t know what you want me to say. I already told you what’s going on.”
Cop: “Why is this guy picking you up?”
Me: “I was at a party.
People started hooking up. I was
not hooking up. I had to leave. I had no car.
I hired someone to pick me up.”
Cop: “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
Me: “I didn’t think my lack of a sex life was an important piece of
information in this situation.”
Cop: “You’re free to go.”
I hopped back in the car and we were on our way,
finally. On the way to my car the driver
and I had a nice conversation about the nature of race relations and police
encounters in the St. Louis area. I also
gave him a nice tip and a 5-star review, so if you’re using Über in the St. Louis area and your driver is a guy named
Frederick with a Chevy Impala, ask him about the time he got pulled over at
McDonald’s and tell him hi. I got to my
car and had driven about halfway home before my buddy called me asking where
the hell I went for food. I gleefully
told him, “I was lying! I actually tried to go home and got pulled over. It’s all good now, enjoy your sex!”
And remember the part when I said Hotlips demanded I
put her number in my phone and told me she really wanted to see me again
because she liked me? She never responded
when I tried to contact her. I told you
it would all make sense in the end. But at least I got a great story to go
along with my first Über review. And I hope that cop eventually did get to
the bottom of that McNugget smuggling operation.
Street
value on these is insane. You’ll do hard
time if you’re caught with them.
-Ryan
