Makeover

                You may have noticed that my site has a new look to it.  And if you hadn’t noticed, then you’re either new to my blog or you’re just completely oblivious to what’s going on around you (that’s okay, I am too).  Anyways, I found it completely necessary to make an entire post dedicated to this new look because no accomplishment is too small for me to ignore (I don’t have a lot of accomplishments, just let me have this moment).  Of course, my only accomplishment here was convincing someone else to create these arts (is that what they’re called) and then uploading them to my blog as I saw fit.  But I’m going to pat myself on the back anyways.

                Most importantly, I want to give a huge shout out and a thank you to the man responsible for these new arts (I’m sticking with that) adorning my site, J.C. Mowrer.   He and I actually go way back to our days on a video game forum some 10 years ago or so.  He’s a cool guy, a great artist and has an awesome sense of humor.  You should absolutely check out his Art Blog! and tell him how cool he is (also, you should tell me how cool I am too).

                Of course, the fancy new look will not change the content I’m posting here.  Oh no, this is just like one of those movies where they give the main character a flashy new look but deep down they’re still the same person they always were. 

I could only find examples with women.  But I could probably be Miss Congeniality.

You can still expect many more stories of me being awkward and terrible.  And you can look forward to my April Joke Round-Up coming in a few days.  But for now, just admire the new digs.

-Ryan

Lost

              Sometimes, even when I have every reason and opportunity to be a competent adult, I find new and exciting ways to screw it up; even with things as simple as driving home the exact same way that I do every single day after work.  I went out for a co-worker’s going away party and to watch the Blues’ playoff game.  Since I live so far from work, I was obligated to stay out until the hockey game was over, because I would have missed a good chunk of the game on the drive one (priorities).   This means that I didn’t start driving home until nearly midnight and at some point during the drive my brain shut off for a few minutes and I ended up lost.  Luckily, I made some handy maps to illustrate how stupid I am and what was (or wasn’t) going through my brain at each point.   The biggest problem was that, for whatever reason, I thought I was on a different highway than I was actually on.  And things just kind of spiraled out of control from there.

First, let’s take a look at how I was supposed to be getting home.  This is how I get home literally every single day (Note: the starting points on all these maps is not where I started my journey, just where I started screwing up).

Now we’ll look at how I apparently thought I was getting home.

 

And here is how that confusion happened.

A.      Where I thought I was

B.      The exit I thought I missed

C.      Where I actually was

D.      The exit I actually just passed

E.       The exit I actually needed.

And here is whatever the hell was going through my mind as I Ferdinand Magellan’d my way around.

1.       Oh no, did I just pass my exit?  I just passed my exit.  Idiot.  It’s fine; I’ll just grab the next one.  I can get home from there

2.       That exit sign seemed weird.

3.       This is fine. I know where I’m at.

4.       Isn’t there supposed to be a Jack in the Box here?   No problem, I’m sure I’ll recognize something.

5.       None of this looks familiar.  Maybe it’ll make sense if I just keep going.

6.       WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ROUNDABOUT?! WHERE AM I?!

7.       I RECOGNIZE THIS HOSPITAL BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE FUCK I GOT HERE OR HOW TO GET HOME NOW.

8.       Holy shit, I know where I am now.  How the hell did I get here?

9.       Seriously, how the hell did I end up here?  Roads are hard.

10.   I literally have no idea how those roads even got me here right now.  But at least I know how to get home from here.

So finally, this is how I actually made it home last night.

                And I really don’t think this story would be complete without mentioning that during my downward spiral of confusion I was texting my buddy Düdders.  I think it does a great job of illustrating the fact that my brain had just jumped ship entirely.

-Ryan

Motel 6

                I have my fair share of stories about me being stupid and irresponsible (and all the fun that results from that), but sometimes even when you make the effort to make good decisions, life finds a way to make things interesting for you.

                Last Friday a bunch of people from my office were getting together for a night out at a bar nearby (my office has a reputation for being spirited drinkers).  One of my coworkers (we’ll call him Patrick because that’s his name) and I both had to work Saturday morning so we decided to get a motel room near the bar so we could fully enjoy the party and not have to worry about driving drunk or getting up extra early to make it to work on time (we’re responsible).    There were 3 places within walking distance of the bar, but we went with Motel 6 because it was the cheapest and we needed to save money for all the alcohol we would be purchasing (life is about choices). 

                We left work, checked into our room and did some last minute preparations like putting on deodorant and brushing our teeth (it’s important not to smell bad when you’re going out in public).  We walked out of the room on our way to the bar, but that was when Patrick noticed that the lock on our door was not working.  No matter how many times we pulled the door tightly shut, the electronic lock would not engage; meaning that anyone could just let themselves into our room and rifle through our stuff (not that I had anything important, but I still didn’t want people swiping my socks and Gatorade).  This non-functioning door lock was clearly unacceptable, so Patrick went down to the front desk to retrieve the desk clerk while I stayed at the room simultaneously guarding our belongings and fiddling with the door.

                Patrick and the desk clerk arrived back at the room and the clerk (we will refer to her as Clerk) immediately went to work trying various unsuccessful things to make the lock work.  Patrick stayed in the hallway; I stayed in the room with Clerk and every couple of minutes she would ask Patrick to try opening the door to see if the lock had caught.  At one point she flipped the deadbolt back and forth; that was when disaster struck.  The deadbolt broke in the locked position, trapping Clerk and I in the room.  We both tried unsuccessfully to budge the deadbolt, but it was to no avail.  I then began looking around the room for any tools I could find to possibly remove the door from its hinges.  All I could find was a plastic pen and the hotel coat-hanger (while I can be pretty resourceful, I could not find a way to use these items to MacGyver my way out of the room).   Clerk was now running back and forth between the (3^rd floor) window, where she was yelling down to confused customers that she can’t check them in because she is trapped, and the door, where she is seeing me be completely useless at getting this door open.

                Now Clerk decides to call in some backup and she calls up who I can only assume was some kind of maintenance person for this particular Motel 6.   Whoever he was, he gave us possibly the most worthless advice I’d ever heard.  This man, in absolute sincerity, explained that we needed to turn the door handle and then pull on the door.  “No shit, man.  I understand how doors work….”   When he realized that all regular means of opening doors had failed and he was in over his head, he suggested that Clerk call the fire department so they could come free us from the room.  What followed was, in my opinion, probably one of the more confusing and embarrassing 911 calls to have happened, at least to that department (caps lock to emphasize the hysteria in her voice). 

“911, can I help you?”

“I’M TRAPPED IN A HOTEL ROOM!”

“Is this an emergency?”

“YES, I’M TRAPPED IN A HOTEL ROOM. THE LOCK BROKE. I CAN’T GET OUT.”

“Where are you at?”

“I’M AT MOTEL 6.  I WORK THE FRONT DESK BUT I’M LOCKED IN A ROOM. CAN YOU SEND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT TO LET US OUT?  THIS GUY IS STUCK IN HERE WITH ME.  THE LOCK IS BROKE.”

“What room are you in at the motel?”

“I’M IN 328.  I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK. THERE ARE CUSTOMERS HERE.  I’M TRAPPED IN A ROOM.”

“I’ll send someone right out.”

As soon as Clerk got off the phone Patrick offered a helpful suggestion from the other side of the door, “I could probably kick down the door.  But I don’t want your credit card to be charged for the damage.”   Clerk was extremely supportive of this action, declaring that she wouldn’t charge us as long as we were freed from the room.   In fact, I believe her exact words were, “I WON’T CHARGE YOU, JUST GET US OUT!!”At this point, I think it’s worth giving you an idea of what Patrick looks like.  If you know cartoons at all, he’s basically looks like Joe from Family Guy without the wheelchair.  Or maybe Johnny Bravo’s body with Doug Funnie’s head.

Seriously, this is pretty accurate.

                Clerk’s approval was all that was needed; Patrick started kicking the absolute hell out of the door.  I don’t know if you’ve ever been near someone kicking down a door, but there are two things you should know: it is not as easy as the movies make it look and it is exactly as loud as you would expect it to be.   This door was pretty tough.  Patrick laid into it with full force numerous times and finally somewhere between kick numbers 15 and 20 the door gave way; freeing me and Clerk.  At various points in his kicking I wanted to get up close to the door and check to see if he’d loosened up the deadbolt enough to open the door, but I had a very real fear of him kicking the door open into my face and I didn’t want to end up spending the night in the hospital instead of the bar. I think it’s also worth mentioning that, according to Patrick, at no point did any other guests show up to see what the hell all the noise was or why there was some guy kicking the shit out of the door to this room.

                Clerk ran out of the room and told us to meet her downstairs so she could get us checked into a different room.  Patrick and I gathered up our belongings and went downstairs.   As we were waiting at the front desk, three firefighters walked in and I was more than happy to inform them, “It’s cool, guys.  We’re free.  We just kicked down the door while we were waiting for you.  Hope that’s alright.”  They were okay with it, chit-chatted with us for a bit and offered Patrick a job as a firefighter due to his door-kicking skills.  We moved our stuff into a new room, made sure this one had a working lock and walked over to the bar to regale our co-workers with the tale of the adventure we’d just had.

                After this fiasco finally came to an end, I checked my phone and realized that I had a missed call and several missed text messages from my friend Melissa, all of them finding new and creative ways of calling me an asshole for not being at the bar with everyone else already.  Once I explained why it took so long for me to meet up with everyone, it was conceded that I wasn't actually an asshole.  To be fair, I’m glad that the lock broke on our way to the bar instead of on the way to work in the morning as absolutely nobody would have believed that we were late for work because we were trapped in a hotel room.

                Motel 6 also sent me a survey asking how I enjoyed my stay.  I responded with, “The lock on my door broke.  I had to call the fire department and break down the door to get out of my room.”  I hope they respond to my survey.

-Ryan

March Joke Round-Up

               And finally, we have my jokes from March! After the last couple of days, you know the drill already.  Please don’t hate me.

3/1

I just really hope someone takes Hozier to church today.

3/2

I sign off all of my work emails with my full name. Despite this, for some reason my customers still all insist on calling me Rick. ‪#‎FirstNameProblems

3/3

I was just checking out an extended forecast online and it's predicting a thunderstorm on April 16th. I hope I remember to bring my umbrella that day.

3/5

Just in case anyone was wondering: Yes, it is exhausting being this awesome all the time.

3/6

After what seemed like forever, I finally have a desk again at work. As such, I probably don't need this picture of a desk anymore. I am considering replacing it with a picture of myself

3/6

I went to The Cheesecake Factory tonight but at no point was I actually allowed into the factory to see the cheesecakes being made. This is bullshit

3/7

It's Saturday night and the only person drunk-texting me is ‪#‎Knuckles. At some point my life got seriously off track.

3/9

I feel like it's worth mentioning that I got drunk and tried to watch Mulan this past weekend. All I wanted to do was sing along to "I'll Make A Man Out of You" but I passed out before that scene happened.

3/10

It's really easy to talk to someone when you don't give a shit what they think of you

3/11

Due to a combination of sleepiness and fog, I have no idea where the hell I am this morning.

3/11

Looking back on my life, I don't think there's ever been a time that I ate pizza and didn't burn the roof of my mouth.

3/12

Coworker: "These cookies are awesome but they come in a really small package."
Me: "I know a thing or two about having a small package."

Yet another reason why I'm a walking HR violation.

3/13

Our email has been down at work a lot in the past few weeks, with some emails taking upwards of 12 hours to be delivered. I have suggested that the company invest in a telegraph

3/13

I feel bad for the kids that will never have a keychain or license plate with their name on it because their parents named them something fucking stupid

3/14

If you're just waiting for somebody else to be an asshole first so that you can be an asshole back to them, you're still an asshole

3/16

A recent study suggests that loneliness can be as much of a health risk as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That would explain my persistent cough

3/18

I decided that since I have a desk now, I needed to change out the picture of a desk with something else. This seemed inspirational. ‪#‎TopGun

3/19

I struggle to drink 8 glasses of water a day but 15 beers in one night is no problem. The medical community needs to reassess their stance on hydration

3/20

I was wearing my favorite dress shirt the other day and a girl said to me, "Why are you wearing a purple shirt? Are you gay?"

I replied, "It's called style. And no, I'm not gay but I do look fucking fabulous."

3/23

I updated the picture on my desk again. Just a little reminder that "if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change." ‪#‎EyeOfTheTiger

3/23

A recent study has found that men prefer curvy women because of evolutionary influences. Personally, I prefer women that acknowledge my existence. And also a few that don't.

3/24

I'm into a lot of varied activities/hobbies; hockey, volleyball, bocce, writing, comedy, music, gaming, cooking and I've even been teaching myself photo editing recently. I would say I'm a bit of a Renaissance Man but I struggle with spelling the word Renaissance and I think that disqualifies me

3/26

One underrated aspect of social media is that it's a really good way of finding out which of your friends are bigots.

3/27

Sometimes I wake up with every intention of being healthy and making good decisions. Then someone brings donuts into the office and I realize how rude it would be to turn my nose up at them. I just care too much about other people's feelings.

3/28

If you don't like the movie The Princess Bride, fuck you.

3/30

I've updated my desk picture again. Because when I look in the mirror "I see pride. I see power. I see a badass motha who don't take no crap off of nobody." ‪#‎PeaceBeTheJourney

3/31

My fridge is so barren, last night I just chewed on a dish sponge for dinner because I thought it might still taste like food. ‪#‎BachelorLife

              If you’re even still reading at this point, clearly you either like me more than anyone should, or you’re a glutton for punishment.  Either way, we’ve got almost a whole month before I make a new one of these posts.  And at least then you’ll know to ignore it.

-Ryan

February Joke Round-Up

                Hopefully you made it through yesterday’s post with all of the (awful) jokes I wrote throughout the month of January.  Here’s a whole new post for a whole other month, February.  In case you can’t tell, the first couple of jokes were written during the Super Bowl.  And things don’t get much better from there.  Enjoy!

2/1

This song about being addicted to heroin is my new favorite thing ever.

2/1

Now that the game is over we can all reflect on the depressing commercials from tonight and cry ourselves to sleep.

2/2

I've seen/heard some people who are bragging about the fact that they didn't watch the Superbowl. And really, every time there's something big in popular culture, there are those who seem to think that avoiding it somehow makes them better than everyone else. I wonder what it's like to live that far up your own ass

2/3

Through some horrifying combination of laziness and dementia, my roommate will routinely leave dirty dishes in the sink until he forgets that they're his. He then argues about why I'm forcing him to wash "someone else's" dishes. I am living in a sitcom. ‪#‎Knuckles

2/5

I went to Qdoba and ordered a burrito bowl, then watched as they made me a regular burrito and just set it in a bowl. I'm still not really sure which one of us misinterpreted what I was ordering

2/6

My sister asked me to help taste test cakes for her wedding. I'm not sure if that's her saying "You have a refined palette and I trust your opinion" or "I know you're a fat kid; have some cake."

2/8

Whenever there are nice days like today I always feel like I need to make the most of it and do something outside. But then I remember that I'm only halfway through the Xbox game I'm playing and that I still have shows to catch up with on Netflix. And I'm not the kind of person to just ignore those responsibilities.

2/9

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I'm changing job titles at work and won't have a desk again until some office renovations are done. This is my current work space. I put up a framed picture of an actual desk to remind myself of better days. And yes, that is Darkwing Duck as the background on my computer.

2/11

With the news that John Stewart is leaving The Daily Show, I think we can all agree that I am the obvious choice to take over for him.

2/13

I was going to decorate a shoebox and set it next to my computer at work today, but I was worried it might cause some jealousy when people saw how many more Valentines I got than everyone else in the office.

2/13

Me: "So, she's gonna get back together with her ex. That's the only possibility."
Düdders: "That's not the only possibility."
Me: "She could also die from malaria."
Dustin: "That's another possibility."

2/15

The hardest part of Valentine's Day was convincing my roommates that the flowers and candy I sent myself were from someone else

2/17

I've been trying to celebrate Fat Tuesday today. Unfortunately, I have recently been told that drinking at my desk, baring my chest and throwing beads at my co-workers is "not conducive to a professional work environment."

2/18

I bought a new battery for my phone. Now I'll be sure to have plenty of battery life for when the ladies don't return my calls & texts.

2/18

I ate a chicken & bacon wrap for lunch. And I'm making a steak for dinner. I'm trying to eat as many barnyard animals as possible in one day.

2/19

I usually try to avoid eating food with onions just in case anyone wants to make out with me. So far, this has not been an issue.

2/19

I tried to go to the bathroom at this bar. There are 3 doors. They are marked Gentlemen, Ladies and Restrooms.

2/20

My 10 year class reunion is coming up this year. I'm looking forward to showing everyone what I've accomplished since high school: I grew a beard

2/22

Me: "We're stupid."
Kyle: "Don't throw me under the bus."
Me: "You are stupid. You fuckin' know it."

2/23

Saturday night my roommate tried to text his mom specifically to tell her that he wasn't drunk. When asked why he was doing it, he said "Because she always assumes that I'm drunk on Saturdays." He eventually gave up on the text because he was too drunk to spell words. ‪#‎Knuckles

2/24

I wanted an inspirational picture for my desktop background at work but couldn't find anything I really liked. I made this one. I'm professional.

2/24

I think The Bachelor could see a ratings boost if they built a season around me. People would definitely tune in to watch all 25 women trying their hardest to get eliminated each week.

2/25

It's interesting that people you find really cool, fun and likeable in person can go home, log into Facebook and turn into loudmouth bigots, pretentious assholes and blithering idiots

2/26

One of the major issues with writing self-deprecating jokes is that you're never quite sure if people actually like the joke or just agree that you suck

2/28

Cookie cake for breakfast. Because fuck society's rules.

2/28

I safely made the drive home from work. Then I stood on top of my car and sang We Are The Champions as snow fell around me. I'm majestic

                March is up tomorrow and then I’ll have done enough work for this week.  You probably aren’t even reading this now.

-Ryan

January Joke Round-Up

                I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to start doing a round-up of all of my jokes that I write each month and post them here for posterity (and for easy updates).  I figured it would be a quick post to make and I could probably squeeze January-March into one update before starting to compile my ones for this month.  Boy was I fucking wrong.  I severely underestimated the number of jokes that I’d written and posted in that time span.  What’s even more surprising is that a couple of them are even funny.  Because I had so much material to work with, you are going to get 3 updates over the next 3 days to get caught up on this (that’s more work than I’ve ever done before, ever).  So, let’s start from the top with January.

1/1

I have started 2015 the same way I ended 2014: drunk. This shows a distinct lack of personal progress

1/2

In all seriousness, if you don't love the movie Cool Runnings then there's no place for you in my life.

1/2

Two days ago I was at work. Yesterday I was off. Today I'm at work. Tomorrow I'm off.

I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea what day of the week it is.

1/5

It's always nice when, instead of winding down for bed, your brain just keeps reminding you how shitty you'll feel in the morning.

"If you fall asleep right now, you'll get 4 hours and 37 minutes of sleep for work tomorrow. Nah, just kidding, you're wide awake."

1/6

I don't feel like I need to explain why I was singing Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" in the men's room at work this morning.

1/8

As some may remember, my beer pong table met its end at my Christmas party this past year.

So, I bought a new beer pong table and had it delivered to my dad's house, because sometimes I like to send him reminders that I still don't have my shit together

1/8

My official job title is "Fleet Manager" but I think it sounds cooler if people at work refer to me as "Admiral"

1/9

I'm eating a Lunchable for breakfast because I refuse to let society's rules dictate my life.

1/9

I heard there was a 150 car pile up on I-94 in Michigan today. I don't even understand how that can happen. Does somebody see 149 other cars in a wreck and say, "Fuck it, we're going for the record!"....?

1/9

Not sure what everyone else is doing with their Friday night, but we got this going on.

1/12

I'm responsible for training the next new fleet manager at work. I can't tell if it's because the company wants me to pass on my daily shenanigans to increase office morale or if it's because they think this will keep me busy enough that I won't have time to goof off.

1/12

Note: Do not be the guy at hockey who wears his cup on his face and pretends he's Bane in "The Dark Knight Rises."

1/13

Gas is cheaper than milk now. This has a significant impact on my breakfast cereal.

1/14

I'm kind of in the "Snooze Button" period of my life, where I should really get up and get my shit together but I'm comfortable and 5 more minutes probably won't hurt

1/14

A lot of people say they can't make it through their work day without coffee. Most days I feel like hard liquor would help more than coffee.

1/14

Today's office shenanigans have included sending out office-wide emails with pictures of everyone's cereal mascot look-alike.

1/15

There's a famous quote that says "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars." That kind of thinking just leads to disappointment. I prefer to aim low and be pleasantly surprised by minimal success

1/15

A lot of my humor is self-deprecating. But sometimes I write so many jokes in one day that I have to refrain from sharing all of them because I don't want people to think that I have a personality disorder

1/16

This year Valentine's Day falls on Mardi Gras weekend, so no matter what your plans are for February 14th you're pretty much guaranteed to end the day drunkenly crying on the floor.

1/16

Every time I type a # on my phone, the 2 suggestions that come up are ‪#‎Knuckles and ‪#‎ButtStuff

1/16

Coworker: "I'm sure plenty of girls would think you're a catch."
Me: "Just because you're a catch doesn't mean you're a keeper. Lots of fish get thrown back."

1/16

The Book Of Mormon musical was fantastic. However, I still have no interest in reading the actual book

1/17

Women call me The Weatherman because I always tell them to expect 3-5 inches.

1/19

It's funny how once you dislike someone, you can pretty much justify being angry at them for anything. "Yeah, he just gave me $50. What an asshole, flaunting his money like that."

1/19

There was a guy in the bathroom at work conducting a business phone call. He was also making no effort to hide the fact that he was on the toilet as he was loudly grunting, wiping and flushing during the call. I will never in my life have that level of confidence.

1/20

Sometimes you forget to put on deodorant in the morning. Then, you get nervous about your lack of deodorant and start sweating profusely, ensuring that everyone else is also aware that you forgot deodorant. Life is cruel.

1/21

Today is National Hugging Day, or as I prefer to call it "National Get Lectured By HR For Inappropriate Contact In The Office Day"

1/21

Since I've been away from my desk training a new fleet manager, I haven't been able to use the messaging program on my computer to talk to other people in the office. As such, I've spent my work days passing notes like back in grade school. I just hope my boss doesn't catch me and read my notes out loud in front of the whole office

1/21

There are a lot of people selling girl scout cookies right now, but all the cookies seem weird. I would probably buy some if they sold Chips Ahoy or Oreos.

1/22

I take pride in telling people that I'm the captain of my hockey team. I don't generally mention that the only reason I'm captain is because I was the first one to sign up.

1/23

After finishing up training 1 new fleet manager this week, I will start training another new fleet manager next week. I'm kind of feeling like Mr. Miyagi. I should make my students wax my car.

1/24

Driving to work this morning I had to swerve to avoid hitting what I thought was a small animal in the road. It turned out to be an eggplant.

1/25

I got up at 4 AM today because I hate myself and don't want to be happy.

1/26

Me: "I'm awesome!"
Coworker: "You're like the only person I know who just sits there and compliments himself."
Me: "I know a lot about self gratification..."

I'm basically just an HR violation waiting to happen

1/26

Sometimes I send out resumes for jobs that I am in no way qualified for, like CEO of Kraft Foods, because I think it's important to always be familiar with the feeling of rejection.

1/27

Düdders and I are gonna make sandwiches and drink bleach. There will be Claussen pickles and Lemon Fresh Clorox, because we enjoy the finer things in life.

1/27

I'll be changing job positions at work soon. Unfortunately, until some office renovations are completed I won't really have a desk or work space. My boss has suggested I build one out of milk crates and buckets. I am trying to negotiate for a tv tray.

1/27

I plan on only working until someone decides to start handing me big bags of money just for being handsome and hilarious.

I'm going to die in this office

1/27

Sitting here in my apartment watching Netflix, eating mini tacos, ice cream and beer for dinner. Because at a certain point you stop even trying to pretend like you've got your life together.

1/28

I think I should buy a pink dress shirt and wear it to work every Wednesday.

1/28

My side-project at work today was to question my coworkers on the perceived pros and cons of pooping at work, then create this very professional list. Helping people explore their comfort zones every day.

1/29

I once asked a girl out on a date and then waited like a day and a half for her to respond with a rejection. In retrospect, I wish I would have mailed her a letter asking her out so at least there would be an excuse for waiting so long to get shot down.

1/30

A lot of women seem to like the rolled-sleeves look on guys. I can only assume that this means they enjoy forearm cleavage.

See you tomorrow with February’s joke round-up.

-Ryan