Well, it does not look like July was the month that I got my shit together. I don’t know if I can rightfully describe what it would look like for me to have my shit together, but I also feel confident in saying that my present situation has my shit in a bit of a disarray. Perhaps disarray is just the natural state of my shit and I should leave it be so as not to disturb nature. What the complete and actual fuck am I even talking about right now? It kind of feels like I haven’t written as many jokes about current events lately. Though I did get one at the expense of Mitch McConnell; fuck that guy. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but since he is apparently still alive this is all copacetic. Honestly though, it’s hard to write jokes about current events because everything is so absurd already and also because it just turns into insults towards the absolute doorknobs that support this bullshit *gestures broadly at everything*. It’s also getting harder to write jokes about my kids because now that they are teenagers they seem to make a concerted effort to interact with me as little as possible unless they need food or money. Anyways, that is already a whole-ass paragraph of an intro so let’s just move on to these jokes.
7/2
My wife and I have parental controls set up on our kids' phones that send us alerts if there is "questionable" activity like bullying or foul language and so far all of the alerts we've gotten have just been messages the kids have gotten from me.
7/3
When I play golf my club choice really boils down to whether I want a bad shot or a worse shot.
7/7
The GOP right now trying to make sure Mitch McConnell's seat doesn't get filled via special election
7/8
Love means never having to hold in a fart.
7/16
Earlier this evening I was in a group of fellow adults who spent a good 15 minutes talking about raising chickens, butchering chickens, and cooking chickens. And I managed to resist saying anything about choking chickens.
7/18
Never let it be said that I'm not self-aware.
7/31
Animal Crossing gave me unrealistic expectations about being able to pay off my house by fishing and selling turnips.
Now I’m gonna go get some tacos with my wife.
-Ryan