February 2022 Joke Round-Up

                February is over, which means we are nearing the end of the shittiest half of the year in fall and winter.  I say this, of course, as we are in the early stages of the next potential world war in which spring could feasibly be replaced with nuclear winter, so that’s fun.  I’m just going to keep writing jokes because what the hell else are you gonna do, right?  And because society itself is a walking punchline, as Ukrainians fight to keep their country from Russian invaders currently, here in America we have a bunch of man-children driving across country because they’re mad about being asked to do the bare minimum to stop the spread of a worldwide pandemic.  We are absolutely living in the dumbest timeline.  So here are some jokes.

 

2/3

Having a bit of a rough morning today, I powered through several cups of coffee. I ended up putting more caffeine in my body in an hour than I typically have in a day. And suddenly I understand that episode of Saved By The Bell when Jessie was abusing those caffeine pills.

 

2/4

I hope nobody farts in this elevator.

 

2/7

My wife is having surgery this week and to avoid any rescheduling of it due to COVID I did not attend the annual hot wing festival that is essentially a religious holiday for me. Pretty sure that means I don't have to do anything for her for Valentine's Day because there's not really anything more romantic or meaningful that I can do that tops skipping wings for her.

 

2/10

I told my wife that while she's getting surgery this morning I'm gonna go find a bar and she can just come be my DD once the procedure is done. #Romantic

 

2/10

I have been telling my wife for years that she snores like a freight train. While going over her medical history today the question came up of "do you snore loudly" and I finally had to come clean that I'd made it up just to tease her. After the glare she gave me I am pretty sure the nurse is concerned for my safety.

 

2/10

The first thing my wife said after waking up from anesthesia was "I'm hungry, I want tacos" so I guess she's fine.

 

2/11

My daughter just forgot the term "take a chill pill" and instead told me I needed to "take a calm shot." #ShotsShotsShots

 

2/12

Just flexing my "Group Expert" status.

 

2/12

My son has been playing Plague Inc. on his tablet lately. He just infected the entire world with a disease he named "Hot N Tasty."

 

2/13

Who wore it better?

 

2/15

Just gonna leave this right here.

 

2/17

I don't want to dress like Johnny Weir but I would love that level of confidence in my wardrobe because far too often have I put on pants and shirt, looked in the mirror and thought something to the effect of, "I don't know if this is too much blue. And are my shoes too big for my pants?"

 

2/21

My wife and kids all have the day off from work/school for President's Day.

Me: "Geez, you all are so lucky. Enjoy your day off while I spend the day working."

Daughter: "Oh no, you have to stay in the basement wearing your pajamas. So terrible."

Looks like somebody's gonna be scrubbing the kitchen tiles with a toothbrush today.

 

2/24

All I'm saying is that this stuff with Russia is messed up and I'm going to be really mad if the world gets nuked before I get to see Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.

 

2/25

I'm not being dramatic. This is serious.

 

2/26

I am turning into Pavlov's Dog. I don't even have to actually drink the coffee anymore, just pour myself a cup of it and I immediately have to use the bathroom.

 

2/26

I caught my daughter laying on the couch humming "99 Red Balloons" and I've never felt more successful as a parent than I do right now.

 

2/28

There's been some people in my local community page asking where they can go to watch the so-called "Freedom Convoy" pass by and that is so weird to me because I have never once thought to myself "I would really like to go see some children throwing a tantrum."

 

                One fun thing about that last joke is that, like clockwork, it brought my very own troll back out of the woodwork.  See, I wrote a joke back in October that apparently he didn’t like and since then he shows up to comment on any vaguely political joke that I write.  I like to think that I’m pretty self aware; I write these jokes as a hobby and for a pretty miniscule audience, so I truly can’t think of much that is more pathetic than someone spending 4 months (and counting) of their life hate-following my page.  Fucking big yikes for that dude.  On the bright side, because of the way Facebook algorithms work, he’s actually increasing my page reach, so thanks I guess?

 

-Ryan

January 2022 Joke Round-Up

                Oh hi, January is already over because this planet is just hurtling us around the sun at a seemingly increasing rate of speed.  The good news here is that I have not broken any of my new year’s resolutions yet.  I didn’t make any resolutions because if you really feel like making a change in life you can do that whenever you like regardless of what the calendar looks like.  Also, I’m awesome already so my one resolution would be to just keep doing that.  Speaking of awesome, let’s look at these jokes already.
 
1/5
Laying in bed the other night, my wife got up to go to the bathroom and the following conversation happened when she came back to bed.
Me: "I love you."
Her: "I love you. I didn't wake you up, did I?"
Me: "No, I was awake. I just came to bed a few minutes ago."
Her: "Oh, so you probably woke me up. Jerk."
#FeelTheLove
 
1/8
There are a few randoms who have added me as a FB friend over the years that I do not know personally and honestly don't even really like, but I haven't unfriended them because observing the stupid shit they post as they seemingly navigate life without a brain makes me feel like Jane Goodall.
 
1/8
For a little peek behind the curtain about my last joke: I had the initial thought for it while laying it bed, but knew I would need to flesh out the idea the following day. Not wanting to forget the idea, I sent a quick text to my sleeping wife knowing she would be confused and remind me. Sure enough, the next morning I had forgotten all about the joke until my wife walked into the kitchen and asked, "Why did you text me 'Jane Goodall' at 11:30 last night?"
 
1/12
My wife's plans for the day included a gynecologist appointment and also picking up a coat rack for our front room. But those 2 things together on her calendar seem concerning.

 

1/13
Just flexing a little on my work meetings.

1/15
This morning I shared a meme on my personal page of a fabricated conversation making fun of Joe Rogan. Some guy got mad at me because apparently he didn't think it was obvious enough that it was a joke. Guess I better go back through my photos and put a disclaimer on them or else he might end up out there looking for that fake Salt-N-Peppa Pig album I made.
 
1/16
Someone made a post in my local community page that essentially said, "Hey things are rough, don't be a dick to service industry workers" and this apparently was a point of view worth arguing about to a lot of people.
That's really all you need to know about why society is fucked.
 
1/18
My wife was late getting home from work tonight. So, lacking adult supervision, dinner was me using a spatula to launch tater tots across the room for the kids to try to catch in their mouths.
 
1/19
I really should have my own cooking show. There's nothing inherently impressive about the things I cook, but watching me sing Madonna's "Like A Prayer" into a spaghetti fork could surely snag a few viewers.

1/20
It was actually pretty disappointing how many people did not get this joke. On the bright side, my awesome wife joined me in my tomfoolery.

 

1/22
You can play golf in GTA V.
According to Google, the first golf course in the United States was built in 1892.
Rockstar, I demand a playable golf course in the Red Dead Redemption series.

 

1/22
Making some mixed drinks over here.

1/23
I can't say that I've ever really enjoyed bread. It's just a vehicle to get other things to my mouth.
 
1/25
To everyone mad about M&M's being made "less sexy" now, I need you to please also weigh in with your thoughts on the Snickers dick vein.

 

1/27
This is a perfectly reasonable reaction to having your post deleted from a group, right?

1/28
Joe Rogan fans get so upset if you even allude to any negativity towards him or his level of intelligence.
Like, sorry, I don't consider the guy who hosted a show about people eating pickled buffalo dick for money as one of the foremost thinkers of our time.

 

1/29
My previous joke is actually a comment I left on another post I saw making fun of Joe Rogan. And to be honest, reading the responses on that post by his upset fans feels a lot like reading the lyrics to Eminem's song "Stan".

 

                It is probably worth mentioning that I actually did drink the Pepto/Nyquil cocktail because I hate being wasteful. It was disgusting.  If you are suffering from a mix of ailments that could be tackled by both of those medications, I strongly suggest taking them separately.  And seriously, if one of the 3 people reading this right now can get word to Rockstar to put golf into the Red Dead series, I would be eternally grateful.

 

-Ryan

December 2021 Joke Round-Up

                My December joke round up is actually the only one of the round ups that I put together the morning of the 1^st each year, all the rest of them I throw together at night on the last day of each month.  Naturally, this is because I am always making very responsible decisions on New Year’s Eve each year.  This year was no different as I successfully ate and drank enough in the comfort of my own basement that I feel slightly less than human this morning.  And in the fully spirit of the holiday, I’m sitting here with a spiked coffee this morning organizing this post as well.   It is an absolutely disgusting and rainy day outside today and I woke up to find water dripping into my basement, so I have already spent the morning outside in the rain cleaning gutters and building up some low-lying landscaping to get the rain to flow into the yard and not my basement.  It’s alright, we’ll start off the year shitty so that everything else seems better by comparison!  Now let’s look at old jokes.

 

12/6

I took the kids to an event at the local movie theater this past weekend and all 3 of us received a free soda and popcorn. As we were leaving, I noticed that my son hadn't eaten any of his popcorn and I was excited at the prospect of having movie theater popcorn to enjoy at home, only to watch in horror as dropped it into the trash can on the way out the door. Currently looking to re-home him because of this egregious act.

 

12/7

Love is when your wife comes home from the store with a few of the microwave burritos you enjoy even though she knows she'll have to deal with the resulting farts.

 

12/8

Get this guy a Puppers.

 

12/12

Me, catching my son on his tablet 2 hours after I said no tablets: "I already said to put tablets away. Put it away."

Son: "I was just..."

Me:

 

12/17

Just so there's no confusion over my wishes: if at any point I am in need of an ambulance, just let me fucking die. I'm not paying that bill.

 

12/19

My daughter has picked up a lot of habits from me, but her organizational skills are not one of them. Not sure how she even functions like this.

 

12/20

Crawling through an air duct, just like that scene from a very famous Christmas movie.

 

12/21

Blues fans are currently very excited about their backup-backup(-backup?) goalie, Charlie Lindgren, who has filled in for several games due to injuries/illness. And I'm just a big fan of making silly lists.

 

12/22

My daughter wanted to make some slime and my wife went out and bought all the ingredients for the slime recipe but inadvertently bought shaving gel instead of shaving cream. So I took the shave gel and let my daughter use my shaving cream instead.

And that is why for the foreseeable future I will be using some Ladies Skintimate Shave gel on my face and neck.

 

12/24

I know climate change is literally destroying the planet, but I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt to clean up my yard on Christmas Eve and it's hard to not enjoy that.

 

12/24

What am I getting for Christmas? Drunk. I'm getting drunk for Christmas.

 

12/27

Why does my dog look like a boomer trying to take a profile pic?

 

12/28

If I'm being completely honest with myself, since about the time I was 15 the only real motivation I've ever had for taking a shower was the hope that someone would want to play with my dick in the near future.

 

12/31

Why does my back hurt today? Because I had wings last night and I can't stop myself from hunching over like a goblin greedily protecting its loot whenever I eat them.

 

                The back pain from the wings was totally worth it.  Now I’m gonna go take a shower and hope for the best.

 -Ryan