March 2023 Joke Round-Up

   Writing this today, I am older than I was when I wrote my last joke round up for February.  I can assure you that I am not any wiser or more mature, because that would be ridiculous and likely confuse everyone around me.  So here I am, doing everything I can, holding on to what I am, pretending I’m a Superman.  Yay, surprise Goldfinger!  You’re welcome for that and I’m welcome for that as it’s both a great song and a way to artificially increase the length of my intro as though I actually had something important to say.  So where are we at?  Making poor choices with food & alcohol and sharing ridiculous anecdotes from my kids?  Sounds about right, here are the jokes.

3/3

They really did Stockard Channing dirty as hell in the opening credits of Grease. Did she have beef with the animation team or something?

3/4

If John Krasinski is going to be an action hero now, I am going to need at least one of his movies to have him put the enemy's gun in jello.

3/7

Put some food in the toaster oven for lunch, walked away and came back to cold food 15 minutes later.  Assuming that I had absentmindedly failed to turn it on, I made sure to set it to cook for 15 minutes.  I heard the timer go off and came back to cold food yet again.

As it turns out, somebody in the house had turned off the heating element.  Why is that even an option?!  All I did was set a 30 minute timer for disappointment.

3/8

Next time I can't find my kitchen shears because they're off mingling with the arts and crafts supplies, I'm gluing those bastards into the butcher block.  If I'm not able to use them for their intended purpose, nobody is using them.

3/9

For a limited time KFC has brought back their Double Down sandwich.  And while I may be 9 years older than I was when it was last on the menu, I am most assuredly not 9 years wiser, which I why I just ate one of those culinary abominations.

3/10

My wife has tickets to see a comedy show tomorrow and her calendar sent a reminder about it, but the notification kinda looks like the comedian sent her a foreboding text message.

3/14

I wish other companies made commercials that are as asinine as perfume commercials.  Just imagine, random nonsensical flashes of suspiciously wet attractive people draped in sheets followed by the logo and someone whispering "Subway."

3/15

I hate how good my wife is at sleeping.  She can take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon, then still go to bed at 9:30 and get a full night's sleep.    If I nap on the couch for 15 minutes tonight I won't be able to fall asleep in bed until Sunday.

3/15

When I start talking video games with someone and find out that they also could not get into Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

3/21

Sometimes I ask my kids to empty the dishwasher and their attempts at trying to put dishes away where they belong makes me think that they don't actually live here.

3/27

I know they tell you not to drink alcohol after donating blood, but that kinda just makes me want to do it even more.

3/28

My son got upset with me because I found a used tissue on the floor and assumed it was his.  I told him that sometimes we make assumptions based on historical evidence: he blows his nose frequently and has a tendency to leave the tissues laying around. And I explained that if the question would have been "who drank all the beers" or "who farted" then someone could have similarly concluded that I was the culprit.

3/29

It's pretty depressing when you're voting for your local city council & school board members and the major criteria you have to work with in determining your vote is:

1. Who showed up to the public forum

2. Who said the least stupid shit

3/29

My daughter watching a video of a wombat: "It's like a dog mixed with a pig mixed with an opossum. I kinda hate it."

3/30

Daughter: "Would you rather be a kid or an adult?"

Me: "A kid."

Daughter: "I'm a kid."

Me: "How's that working out for you?"

Daughter: "Pretty nice."

The older they get, the more I see my kids picking up my sense of humor, which is great because I am fucking hilarious.  Who would have thought years ago when I started this blog that I would have such a profound impact on impressionable young minds?  Great job, me.

-Ryan

February 2023 Joke Round-Up

  February is over and that is neat because it’s basically my least favorite month.  Aside from that bit of excitement, there’s not really a lot to say about this past month.  Was a little sick at the beginning of the month and one of my favorite things about any time I get sick is that I end up with a cough that lingers for like 2 months, so this tickle in my throat should finally clear up around Easter; fun stuff.  By that time, we should actually be having consistently warm weather and have bid goodbye to the shit-ass season that is winter.  We are getting into the best part of the year!  And with the way things go in the midwest, I could very well find myself sheltered in a bathroom again.  So about those jokes…

2/6

I've been dealing with some sinus issues the past few days, so I picked up some nasal spray to help with the congestion.  This stuff feels like I've injected Vicks Vaporub into my soul.

2/7

I think my biggest realization since becoming a parent is how stupid all the shit I said to my parents must have actually sounded.

2/11

*me spending my entire round of golf in the woods and sand traps*

"It's not about the destination, it's about the journey."

2/12

I had a dream the other night that I was playing with boobs.  I woke up curled in a ball and rubbing my own knees.  Very disappointing.

2/14

I made a hockey Valentine's card for the league I'm in.

2/14

My wife surprised me with wings from my favorite place in town for Valentine's Day.  So here is my current situation.

2/17

When you're trying to get in some exercise but also wanna enjoy your Friday night.

2/20

Just keeping my options open.

2/21

Why only have Fat Tuesday? I can be fat every day.

2/22

I went in to the office today for some meetings and a team lunch outing. As I was leaving lunch I kinda had to use the bathroom, but figured I'd wait until I got back to the office.    When I got back to the office I was told that due to the weather they are in shelter in place mode.  The shelter in place spot is the bathroom.  Took a pee with an audience.

2/24

I know I'm getting old because I've started to get really excited about jams.

Okay, in my defense when you walk into a little shop that has a bunch of home-made jars of jam on the shelves and you can tell somebody labored over this blackberry jam, that shit looks good as hell.  And it just so happened that I came across similar instances of this two days in a row, in two entirely different locations.  I almost never even eat jam because I’m not much of a bread person, but I got excited about flavors.  It’s fine. This is fine.

-Ryan

January 2023 Joke Round-Up

  Let me just start this off by saying fuck winter and everything about it.  And if you like winter, then fuck you too.  The weather has been cold and shitty, the days are too short to enjoy, it’s all terrible.  It probably wouldn’t even be so bad if I could just hibernate through it but apparently of all the things I could be bad at, sleeping is what my body has chosen to suck at (there’s actually a lot of things I suck at, but for the purpose of this post I am choosing to focus on sleeping).  Just the other night as I was starting to drift off to sleep I jolted myself upright because I was worried that I’d forgotten about an appointment to get my toes straightened.  Firstly, I am almost completely positive that’s not even a thing.  And secondly, even if it is a thing my toes are already straight so what the fuck was that all about?  Anyways, here are the jokes.

1/3

On the one hand, I should really tell my kids it's time to turn off their tablets and complete a few daily chores.

On the other hand, they are being very quiet and actually getting along well as they play Minecraft together.

This is a dilemma.

1/13

Typically my dog will follow me downstairs when I go to work in the morning.  But my wife is off work today, so I guess Barclay decided to take PTO to hang out with her instead.

1/15

Letting out an enormous fart with nobody around to hear it is the same as catching a huge fish with nobody around to see it.

1/16

Practicing safe cooking techniques. Just trying to protect my eyes from oil splatter.

1/18

I've pretty much always been a culinary genius.

1/19

When I'm in my annual performance review and my supervisor tells me that I am a delight to work with:

1/26

If you say that you want a mandolin for your birthday, you're kind of just working off the assumption that your family already knows whether you're a chef or a bard.

1/27

My son does not understand why I am so amused by his new D&D dice.  He also doesn't understand why I said his character can't turn left.

1/29

My wife's doctor told her she has high cholesterol and, among other things, told her to make sure she eats plenty of "whole foods."

I am not entirely sure what that means, but in solidarity I'm going to eat a whole rotisserie chicken.

Quality jokes right there about farts and poor eating habits.  I was really deep in my niche this month.  It is really sad that I didn’t even hit double digits on my joke count this month though.  

-Ryan