So, I managed to
successfully avoid going another month without writing a single new story,
which definitely helps me feel like less of a bum. And bonus points, my most recent story, “Who’s Gonna Drive You Home?”, cracked my top 10 most viewed stories of all time. All around, not a bad month. Plus, you know, all these jokes that I wrote
this month.
6/1/2014
I was
listening to my iPod while mowing my dad's lawn the other day. I think it was
the first time the neighbors had seen someone moonwalk a lawnmower across a
yard.
6/1
My
parents left me at Toys "R" Us once when I was little and I'm still
not sure if it's because they wanted to get rid of me or because they wanted me
to have a great time.
6/1
I was so
excited to hang out with my
buddy Alex tonight that when I cleaned up after work I
mistakenly put hair gel in my beard. I don't even get that excited when I have
a date. #RadBromance
6/2/2013
Woke up
this morning to find my roommate passed out on the couch cuddling with a bag of
frozen tater tots.
6/3/2014
Clothes
are all wrinkled because you were too lazy to take them out of the dryer in a
timely fashion? Better run the dryer again on the "wrinkle-free"
setting and hope you do better this time around.
6/3/2013
When I go
out drinking, I like to stay just sober enough that I can legitimately make fun
of anyone that's drunker than me.
6/5/2013
I was
thinking today that I've never dated a girl who has a song named after her like
"Beth", "Amanda", "Melissa" etc. But then I
realized that Jet has a song called "Cold Hard Bitch" and I think
that counts.
6/6
This
sounds like the kind of obnoxious shit I'd say, too.
6/6
It did
this too. Because me, that's why.
6/6
I'm
really bad at picking up on romantic signals. But I'm starting to kind of
wonder if that's just because, like turn signals, most people around me simply
aren't using them.
6/7
One
time I was supposed to meet some friends for dinner and I went to the right
restaurant but was in the wrong town. And while speaking with them on the phone,
trying to find them, I couldn't understand why they
were unable to see me standing in the middle of the restaurant waving my arms
around looking confused.
When
I say "one time" I mean "right now." This is my current
situation.
6/9
A buddy
of mine asked me to photoshop a picture to put on t-shirts for his volleyball
team, The Notorious D.I.G., and in order to complete the project, I had to spend some time gathering some pictures to work with. I feel
like this is important information to share so that if I were to die
unexpectedly there would be good reason why the bulk of my recent Google search
history is "black men playing volleyball."
6/10
I keep a
pretty busy schedule, which means I don't really get too upset when someone
cancels on me because I've always got backup plans.
Side note: Falling asleep on my couch counts as a backup plan.
Side note: Falling asleep on my couch counts as a backup plan.
6/11/2011
Why do
romantic comedies show guys doing things that would land them a restraining
order in real life?
6/11/2013
I kinda
want to use that MapMyRun app when I'm running on the treadmill, just so I'm
reminded that I didn't actually go anywhere.
6/11
Sometimes
I write jokes about things people do that annoy me. But I like to leave a grace
period before posting it so that I can be passive aggressive while still
maintaining plausible deniability.
6/12/2014
I had a
dream that I was dating a girl and she broke up with me. Even my own
subconscious thinks I'm a bad boyfriend.
6/14/2013
Sometimes
I like to listen to breakup songs and think about how much I have in common
with the shitty guys the lyrics are about.
6/14
A few
nights ago, I drunkenly made an appointment with my equally drunk hair stylist
when we ran into each other at the bar. Despite the lack of sobriety
all-around, we both surprisingly remembered the appointment. #SuccessfulAdultMoments
6/16
I don't
understand how some people let their phone's battery get so low. I was
conditioned by years of schooling to be uncomfortable with anything under 70%
6/17
The great
thing about ramen is that you can do pretty much anything with it except feel
good about yourself.
6/17
Not sure
what everyone else is doing with their Friday night, but I just became an
ordained minister online. Because those are gonna be some fun credentials to
randomly show off at the bar.
6/19
Sometimes
in your adult life you find yourself being scolded by a waitress at 3 a.m. for
getting several other tables at the diner involved in The Penis Game.
6/19
I see a
lot of people today claiming to have the best dad ever. I hate to break it to
you, but strictly from a numbers standpoint most of you are wrong.
6/19/2014
I don't
think I could ever be too poor to afford good toilet paper. I would turn tricks
on the corner for Cottonelle if I had to.
6/20/2014
Some
people seem to think that I have an ego problem. I just want to clarify that I
put my pants on the same way as everyone else does: with a considerable amount
of self-loathing.
6/21
I never
really intentionally take naps. I just have a tendency to fall asleep any time
I sit down for more than 5 minutes.
6/22/2014
I saw a
decorative tree made out of wine bottles in someone's front yard. I think
that's a great way to show people that you're both artsy and an alcoholic.
6/23/2013
I've let
myself into a few closed bars. Prices were great, service was terrible.
6/24
Instructions:
Bake 32-34 minutes.
Me: 33 minutes it is.
Me: 33 minutes it is.
6/25
Chocolate
syrup and barbecue sauce can be pretty similar shades of brown. However, one of
them will ruin your glass of milk if you're sleepily bumbling around the
kitchen in the morning. #LifeLesson
6/25
Needed a
beer and a shower after work. Knocked out both at the same time.#ShowerBeer
6/27
I used
the phrase "trailer park hot" to describe a girl today. I felt like
kind of a douche for saying that, but on the other hand everyone else agreed
that it was a totally accurate description.
6/28
"#Knuckles is the only person I've ever met that makes not caring not
cool." – Ben
6/28
I
didn't want to be left out of the Facebook trend. We've been going strong
together for years.
**New
Challenge For Those In A Relationship**
Post your first picture with your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife and your most recent one. Whether it's weeks apart or years apart. Let's all see the difference!
Post your first picture with your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife and your most recent one. Whether it's weeks apart or years apart. Let's all see the difference!
6/30
I like
when Facebook suggests I add someone based on friends that we have in common,
but I've literally never seen this suggested person before in my life because
apparently when we hang out with our 97 mutual friends they make it a point to
only stand outside my field of vision.
Now to get working on that long
list of unwritten posts that I keep talking about.
-Ryan
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