Another month gone. After having a less-than-stellar joke-telling
month last month, I followed it up with a bit of a joke-telling Renaissance
this month. And I managed to create some
good visual jokes this month, too.
Thankfully, my last joke of the month had no visuals with it…
7/2
The other night while out watching a local band, one of the band
members mentioned that he was a recovering alcoholic who was 5 years sober. To
this, some guy in the audience shouted "You know what they say, rehab is
for quitters!"
Now, I'm no stranger to controversial jokes, but the trick to
telling bad jokes (which I like to think I'm a bit of an expert at) is to make
sure your timing doesn't make you look like a douche-canoe.
7/3
In an unexpectedly fortunate turn of events, nobody I know is
getting married during the time that I've been rehabbing my torn calf muscle.
Which is great, as I'm well aware that there's no way I could resist cutting a
fuckin' rug and I really don't want to have to explain to my doctor that the
reason I'm not getting better is because I had to break it down to "Billie
Jean."
7/4
Now that I've combined the Squatty Potty with a LumiLux
motion sensor toilet light, I'm pretty sure that I have the Cadillac of shitters.
Or at the very least it's that tricked out Skyline from "2 Fast 2 Furious."
7/9
I think most antique malls should just be called Garbage
Stores.
7/10
Came across this guy in a bathroom. Had to keep my guard up.
7/10
Bathrooms at public pools make me uncomfortable because the
floor is always soaked and I can't be sure of the source of the suspiciously
warm wetness.
7/11
While having lunch yesterday I overheard an older lady at the
table next to us ask the server if his 3 children were all from the same mother
and if he was married to her. The server politely responded that they were and
he was, to which the lady said, "That's good, I feel very strongly about
family values."
Were it me, just to fuck with her I would have said, "No they're
all from different mothers. And they're all bi-racial." I think it would
have been worth not getting a tip.
7/13
Yesterday at physical therapy they had me hopping on
alternating feet to work out/test the strength of my calf. So I'm happy to
report that I'm officially cleared to play hopscotch again.
7/14
There's a Gatorade bottle in the bathroom trash can. I feel
like this can only mean that one of my roommates considers their body's fluid
levels to be a zero-sum game.
7/18
Serious question: if Donald Trump gets his transparent border
wall built, exactly how many seconds will elapse before someone presses their
bare ass/junk up against it? Taking wagers now.
7/19
My girlfriend insists that turkey bacon counts as real bacon.
And I insist that she knock off her bullshit.
7/19
Seriously, my girlfriend prefers turkey bacon over real bacon
and pancakes over waffles. It's like she thrives on disappointment.
Must be why she dates me.
Must be why she dates me.
7/20
I think when someone says they've decided to go vegan, what
they're really saying is, "I've grown tired of having good food in my
life."
7/20
Last night, I dreamt that Donald Trump narrowly avoided hitting me
with a golf cart and then, angered that I didn’t thank and praise him for not
hitting me, he fired me from my job. Worried about how I would make ends meet,
I went down the street and was hired on the spot at Wal-Mart with no
application or job description given and immediately put into orientation,
which was interrupted by my (now former) boss stopping in to note that he was
upholding Trump’s firing of me and to ask me to
hand over the projects I was working on with a promise that my employment
“would be re-evaluated when everything settles down.” This was all capped off
by a realization that my new (imaginary) job training caused me to miss my
(real life) appointment to get my vehicle serviced, because apparently
dream-Ryan is still very concerned about real-Ryan's tire rotation.
Will be checking my apartment for a possible carbon monoxide leak.
7/21
You're basically paying for the name with these beets.
7/22
Thought for a second that these people had a pumpkin
growing...
7/23
One year ago today my girlfriend and I went on our first
date; and I hate to admit it, but it was to see the Ghostbusters reboot. I
didn't want to see the movie but she was cute and actually talking to me so I
figured, "Eh, I'm sure this isn't the only bullet I'll have to bite for
this chick."
7/23
I made the mistake of taking my girlfriend's vehicle to
Wal-Mart. Just spent 10 minutes aimlessly wandering around the parking lot
looking for my car.
7/24
This is the gas situation literally every time I get in my
girlfriend's car. Not sure how anyone can willingly live this close to the edge
all the time.
7/24
KFC gave me 2 forks with my Famous Bowl. So either they think
I'm not a fatty and will be sharing with someone (wrong!), or they think I'm
such a pig that I need 2 utensils so I can stuff my face faster.
7/25
Last night, after being out of commission for 7 weeks due to
a torn calf muscle, I got to play hockey for the first time since my injury.
Today, everything is sore except my calf. I guess that means all those weeks of
physical therapy worked.
7/25
This chair placement raises a lot of questions. And makes me
uncomfortable.
7/29
Went on a nature hike this morning after eating a
questionable amount of hot wings last night. Not sure if bears shit in the
woods, but found out that I do.
I’m
pretty lucky on 2 accounts: first that I’ve been in my relationship long enough
to start making some solid relationship jokes and secondly that I’m still in my
relationship after shitting in the woods.
-Ryan
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