I frontloaded August with jokes and then completely phoned in the 2nd half of the month. That’s what’s going on here. It’s been a bit interesting since I’ve started doing these roundups seeing the ebb and flow of the joke-writing; seems like I work in spurts of a few good days in a row and then radio silence until there’s another spurt. I actually haven’t done any sort of analysis on that claim and don’t know if there’s any statistical significance to it. But I’ve already typed that sentence and I’m not turning back now. So let’s look at these jokes.
8/1
How I stay motivated every day.
8/2
Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea
8/3
The fact that there's nobody else sitting near them makes this group of 4 look like they are the panel of judges for the concert.
8/10
Not trying to shit on the competitors because they are clearly very talented, but the general setup of Olympic breakdancing is so strange to me. Everyone seems to go by their dancer nickname on the leaderboards and are announced as "B-boy/B-girl *nickname*".
I'm trying to imagine what this would be like in other sports. Like you are watching swimming and the commentary team calls out "In lane 1 we have Swimmer Merman and in lane 2 we have Swimmer Flipper." Or you flip over to a track event and the rankings show Thunderfeet and Speedy Jim.
8/10
I don't even understand why I like spicy foods. I'm sitting here pouring sweat, nose dripping, mouth on fire and hopelessly chugging a cold beverage for relief and my brain is saying, "This is fucking great, let's do this more."
8/15
Security Guy: "Sir, I need you to empty your pockets please."
Me: *dumping chicken nuggets out of my cargo shorts* "Sorry."
8/20
At any major event with a public restroom, there's always that 1 fucking guy in the crowded bathroom that loudly says, "So this is where all the dicks hang out." And then like 3 other dudes give polite, half-hearted chuckles that only serve to encourage the first guy to keeping saying that dumb ass line at every opportunity because "it makes people laugh."
8/22
If I had to sum up the messaging from the DNC this week.
8/26
Yesterday I hung out at a friend's place for a bit as he was having people over for a wrestling pay-per view. Naturally the topic of bidets came up and after getting on my soapbox about it a man that I had never met before got online and purchased a bidet on the spot. Another convert! #BidetLife
I’m just gonna finish this post by saying that I love the shit out of my wife; she is awesome. That’ll be a nice little easter egg.
-Ryan
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