Another month gone, another compilation of jokes from me. I had to put the 2016 in the title now because I already have a January Joke Round Up from last year (that I posted in April because whatever) and have somehow managed to miraculously keep writing new jokes. Do I still need to keep writing intros for
these Joke Round Ups?
1/1
This
guitarist has an iPad attached to his mic stand and is reading the music as he
goes and the singer is reading the lyrics off her phone. Is this an actual band
or is it karaoke night?
1/2
When
we're kids we're all taught to use our imagination and play pretend. I think
that's because our parents knew we'd spend our adult lives pretending like
we've got our shit together.
1/3
It might
be a confidence issue when women are even turning me down in my dreams.
1/4
Deep
down, I think all any of us really wants is to be the person that someone else
thinks about whenever they hear "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada.
1/4/2014
I got a
cocktail shaker and some shot pourers for Christmas. So I've been spinning
liquor bottles while dancing in my underwear to "Danger Zone" and
shouting "Show me the money!" because I'm not sure which Tom Cruise
movie is which.
1/5
I'm a
pretty daring guy. I like to sleep with my feet out of the covers and hanging
over the edge of the bed. #NoFear
1/5/2014
The
Weather Channel has been naming winter storms now. Looking forward to this
spring when we have Thunderstorm Beth, Strong Breeze Greg and Sunny Day Tiffany.
1/5
I like to
drink beers that describe who I am as a person.
1/6
I hope to
one day own enough treadmills to recreate that OK Go music video in my living
room, because I'm getting tired of being kicked out of gyms. #DareToDream
1/7
Me:
"When I die somebody will have to log into my account and keep posting so
it looks like I'm haunting Facebook."
#Knuckles: "I'll check you in at Blues games and the bar."
Kyle: "I'll tag you at the cemetery."
#Knuckles: "I'll check you in at Blues games and the bar."
Kyle: "I'll tag you at the cemetery."
1/8
Donald
Trump announced today his campaign to take over as the new head coach of the
Blues. His bid to coach the team is highlighted by the motto Make The Blues
Great Again. When asked how he could successfully lead the Blues to a Stanley
Cup, he was quoted as saying, “Look. We can bring the Cup Dream back. That I
will tell you. We’re bringing it back. Okay? And I understand what you’re
saying. And I get that from so many people. ‘Are our Cup dreams dead?’ They’re
asking me the question, ‘Is the Cup Dream dead?’ And the Cup Dream is in
trouble. That I can tell you. Okay? It’s in trouble. But we’re going to get it
back and play some real hockey. How about the man with that beautiful Blues
sweater? Stand up! Stand up! What a sweater!”
Blues owner Tom Stillman could not be reached for comment.
Blues owner Tom Stillman could not be reached for comment.
1/9
I like
when you're out trying to talk to new people and you can see them mentally
swiping left on you.
1/11
I usually
keep my hockey bag in my car on game days but today I'm keeping it inside
because I have no desire to put on an ice-cold cup tonight. #FullDisclosure
1/11
Hmm...I
guess all those people who told me I looked like him were right after all.
1/12
Currently
loading my iPod up with Whitney Houston and Kenny Loggins. I am an enigma.
1/12
I notice
a lot of people are upset about the Rams leaving St. Louis. Truth be told, I'm
not terribly well versed on the situation, so I did what I always do and took
to Google to do a bit of my own research before forming an opinion. According
to this map that I found this area is not, in-fact, a good environment for rams
to thrive in.
1/13
Just paid
off another school loan. Adult accomplishments are weird.
1/13
I'm
actually kind of relieved that I didn't win the Powerball because now I'll know
that all the women who aren't dating me aren't doing it because of my money.
1/14/14
If I had
a nickel for every time I've been rejected, I could afford to take some lucky
lady out on a really fancy dinner date. But I'd probably just end up eating
alone twice instead.
1/14
Just
gonna leave this right here.
1/14
I look so
sophisticated with this outfit and this glass. Unfortunately, none of the
sentences that come out of my mouth could ever qualify as "refined."
1/14
I heard
Donald Trump is going to put up a firewall to stop illegal downloads.
1/15
I really
hope there is a youth hockey team in Hershey, PA called the Hershey Squirts.
1/15
I went
out to eat with a couple of friends last night and, because I eat pretty
quickly, by the time the waitress came back for what should have been the
mid-meal "does everything taste alright?" check-in I was already
finished with my food (my friends were still working on theirs). The waitress
looked at me and exclaimed "wow, you're fast," with a mixture of
surprise and disgust that told me she really meant, "did you unhinge your
jaw and inhale that, you fat piece of shit?"
1/15
I saw
some ladies posting this. I thought it would be funny if I did, too. You know, ‘cause
I'm a dude.
1/16
All of
those online personality quizzes always have really positive and uplifting
descriptions for people. But I'd like to see some brutally honest quizzes that
tell people things like "You're actually a huge asshole and a chore to be
around. Get your shit together."
1/16
When I
stop and think about it, high school went pretty well for me. I was one of the
most popular kids in school and one of the first to have a mobile phone. I had
a smoking hot girlfriend named Kelly. My biggest rival was also one of my best
buds, Slater. My principal, Mr. Belding, was always on my case but I think it's
because he just really cared. And my friends and I always had time to chill at
our favorite hangout spot, The Max, in between classes.
1/17
I had
someone tell me that I seem like a genuine person. That's such a weird
compliment but I guess it's comforting to know that I don't seem like a dog
wearing people clothes.
1/17
#RyanRick2016
1/18/2014
My
phone's auto-correct feature finally learned cuss words. Unfortunately, now it
wants to use them all the time. It's a little awkward when you text someone
"Let's go to the bar and take shits."
1/20
As a kid,
I would spend days like today outside playing in the snow for hours on end.
What an idiot.
1/21
I saw a
guy out running in the snow. If I ever get that into fitness I want my friends
to hold me down and force feed me cake.
1/21
Saw a
Jimmy John's driver in the drive-thru at Rally's. Not sure if he was getting Rally's
or the Rally's guys ordered Jimmy John's.
1/22/2014
Facebook
should change the "Like" button to a "Put a Ring On It"
button.
1/22
I always
put the seat and lid down on the toilet. Not because I have good manners or
have been "trained" by women in my life to do so, but because I'm
absolutely terrified that I'll drop my toothbrush and it will bounce off the
sink and straight into the toilet if the lid isn't down.
1/22
This is
how friendships end.
1/22
So, this
Blues discussion group I'm in usually has a bunch of women posting
"gameday selfies" in it. The other day I decided to have a bit of fun
and post my own recreation of 90% of those ladies' selfies. #TeamSpirit #NailedIt
1/24/2014
I would
eat a dirty sock if it was soaked in Papa John's garlic dipping sauce.
1/24/2014
I think
part of the reason why I'm single is because I want to date a smart girl, and
any girl that would be interested in me is obviously not.
1/25/2014
I'm going
to start a new diet where I just drink until I throw up. It's like a
combination of alcoholism and bulimia. Alcoholimia.
1/25
I went to
the bathroom at work today and one of the warehouse guys thought it would be
funny to block the bathroom door with a pallet while I was in there. It
actually was pretty funny but I don't want to appear too lenient so I'm gonna
spend the rest of the day issuing write-ups to everyone here. #DrunkWithPower
1/25
The best
part about having a 10:30 hockey game is that I can eat dinner at my normal
time and then have a legitimate excuse to eat again later tonight after my game.
1/26
Life Pro
Tip: Don't die.
1/26
Brb,
gonna go do donuts in Walmart's parking lot and listen to Danger Zone on repeat.
1/27
When you
see a cute girl at the store so you wanna act all suave and cool but you're
carrying a 72-pack of toilet paper...
"So yeah, I'm really into fiber. How about you?"
"So yeah, I'm really into fiber. How about you?"
1/27
According
to the annual report for my credit card, a full 10% of my spending for 2015
went to Sam's Pizza and
Pub Inc. #TreatYoSelf
1/27
Yes, that
is totally the best picture for "active."
1/28
I'd been
feeling like there was something missing from my life for a while now, so I
finally broke down and downloaded Sisqó's "Thong Song."
1/29/2014
I'm going
to start using Facebook to tag myself at other people's houses when they're not
home.
1/29
Realistically,
any girl that is not okay with me singing along to every song in the car is not
relationship material.
1/29
I started
my life being born 2 weeks before my due date and I've been coming early ever
since. Some call it premature, I prefer to say I'm punctual.
1/30
Kyle, Amy, Knuckles, Shannon and I all rode here to Wing Fling in
my car. Good thing I don't have a girlfriend or we'd have had to rent a van.
1/31
Caught #Knuckles reading Us Weekly.
Stay
tuned for more fun things!
-Ryan
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