So, this month was fun. I had 3 weddings to go to, one of which I was the officiant for, which is why I will now find every opportunity to refer to myself as Reverend. And let me just say, I was really really good at officiating the wedding; I only messed up one time by accidentally referring to the bride as a man and it was totally cool because the laughter made everyone stop crying, so…win? Anyways, here’s jokes.
9/2
Place is lit.
9/2
*showing the kids a close-up picture of Saturn*
Kahla: "Do you know what planet this is?"
Henry: "Venusaur?"
Kahla: "No, it's your favorite planet."
Abby: "Legoland!"
Kahla: "Do you know what planet this is?"
Henry: "Venusaur?"
Kahla: "No, it's your favorite planet."
Abby: "Legoland!"
At least we won't have to pay for college.
9/2
I just saw a commerical for Maruchan ramen noodles
on Food Network.
1. Who thought it was a good idea to juxtapose a guy
making seared ahi tuna and grapefruit-molasses reduction with an ad for cheap
ass noodles?
2. I never knew ramen noodles had commercials, I just thought everyone bought them because they're something you can eat for 15 cents.
3. How many millions of packs of ramen do they need to sell to make back what they spent on that commercial?
2. I never knew ramen noodles had commercials, I just thought everyone bought them because they're something you can eat for 15 cents.
3. How many millions of packs of ramen do they need to sell to make back what they spent on that commercial?
9/3
I was woken up early this morning
by the kids posted up outside our bedroom door making fake fart noises. I ran
them off and chastised them, so hopefully they understand now that if you're
gonna wake somebody up with farts, they damn sure better be real ones.
9/5
Sometimes when I get a little stressed
or anxious my phone lets me know not to worry.
9/5
I do weekly football picks with
some family and friends. I try to make topical names for my pick set and this
year I took my inspiration from a jaunty tune by Justin Timberlake.
9/6
In high school I had an English teacher that didn't
know what irony was.
I wish I could show this to her.
9/9
I was out at a friend's wedding
last night and I feel terrible today. Not because I drank too much. No, it's
because I danced too hard. #Footloose
9/12
I like to start off my showers with
comfortably warm water and then gradually increase the temperature until I
could potentially host a crab boil.
9/13
Tomorrow I will be officiating my
friend's wedding. I made myself a notebook for it.
9/14
Now that I've officiated my first
wedding ceremony since getting ordained, I'm henceforth going to refer to
myself as Reverend.
9/15
I see a guy at the park wearing a
#1 Dad shirt. I think that means I have to fight him.
9/16
Super helpful label.
9/17
I'm so desperate for hockey season
to start that I watched the movie Face/Off this weekend just because the title
sounds hockey related.
9/17
Fact: As an ordained minister it
automatically carries more weight if I say "Bless you" when you
sneeze.
9/20
I'm really not a fan of the fact
that cumin and cinnamon share many of the same letters and a similar color but
have wildly different tastes and uses. Because it seems like, hypothetically,
someone who isn't totally paying attention could possibly accidentally grab the
wrong one from the cabinet and ruin my own fucking dinner.
9/21
My job entails me traveling between
the different retail locations of our company. We refer to that as
"floating." I'm a floater. I'm the company turd.
9/22
Current project: trying to convince
my fiancée that our wedding vows should be a rap battle.
9/27
My very scientific examination of
current events.
9/29
Abby wants to be Dorothy from
Wizard of Oz for Halloween. I suggested that instead of carrying around a
little dog with her, she carry a speaker that just plays "Africa" on
repeat.
What an
awesome way to end the month, with a nod to a fantastic song. See you next month.
-Ryan
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