July 2023 Joke Round-Up

  July may be over, but we’ve still got August and ⅔ of September that are Summer so if you’re out there talking about how “it's spooky season” or you’re ready for fall, I need you to know how terrible you are because fall is ass and so are you.  Now, it is almost time for my kids to go back to school and that is both pretty cool because I’ll go back to a quiet house while I work, and also awful and anxiety-inducing because I am not mentally prepared for helping out with schoolwork in the evenings again yet.  It’s bullshit,  I am 36 years old and I was certain that I would have been finished with homework long, long ago.  Here are some jokes.

7/3

Me every time my dog gets annoyed with me for snuggling him too much:

7/7

It's interesting to me how many people claim they are writing books that, by all appearances, are entirely unqualified to do so. I've seen the shit you post; how are you gonna write a book when you can't form a sentence?

7/8

My wife and I are meeting some friends for drinks at a winery tonight. Wineries are not my scene, so I'm struggling to figure out what the appropriate attire would be. Is this okay?

7/8

Honestly kind of a shame that the only lasting legacy of the Ottoman Empire are foot stools.

7/9

Abby: "Can we go get sno-cones?"

Me: "We have to see if mom and Henry want them too."

Abby: "Not if we keep it a secret."

Dang, my daughter is too much like me because I 100% try to hide all the fast food I eat from the rest of the family.

7/11

My wife and I: "Let's get the kids laptops for school next year. And upgrade our wireless router to mesh. We've got the money for a few extra purchases."

Our refrigerator:

7/13

One of the things I enjoy about the FB algorithm is when you join a new page or add a friend it is like, "YO! Let me make every post on your feed be from this to catch you up on what's been going on for the last 30 weeks!"

7/22

Its kinda fucked up how shitty flour is on its own but gets turned into so many awesome things like bread and pasta and gravy.

7/23

I am almost always aware that I'm being weird its just that I'm also usually powerless to stop myself.

7/24

I really enjoy Halloween, but I feel like there's a lot of overlap of people who get mad about Christmas stuff popping up in stores in October and people who are already saying "it's spooky season" while we're here in July.

There's still lots of time to float around in a pool with a cold drink.

7/25

The inventor of football really just said, "I need a ball, but I need it to be the wrong shape."

7/26

If hash browns are an acceptable breakfast food, then there's no reason why you can't have french fries for breakfast.

7/27

Me, driving the family minivan:

"Poppin' bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink, we do it right gettin' slizard

Sippin' sizzurp in my ride (in my ride) like Three 6

Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6"

It is worth mentioning that this stupid ass refrigerator is randomly deciding to stop cooling and the repairman we had out couldn’t figure it out yet, so my current strategy is just to not leave any leftovers that need to be stored in the fridge.  I love to eat.

-Ryan

June 2023 Joke Round-Up

  A few days late with this one because I was on vacation and had no inclination to get out of the water and sober up just to compile a bunch of old jokes.  And since I’m doing this late now, I am also not going to fuck around trying to come up with a nice little intro.  We’re just gonna go right to the jokes.

6/2

I am so spoiled at work using the Scheduling Assistant feature in MS Outlook to set up meetings. I wish I had this same functionality for setting up times to hang out with friends.

6/2

I got up from the couch to get some heartburn medicine, but ended up getting snacks instead. I wonder why I have heartburn.

6/3

That Pepto Bismol song is kind of a bop.

6/4

I won a poster from my local movie theater and I found the perfect place to hang it up in my house. #Family

6/6

I love reading recipes online that say things like, "This is SOO SIMPLE to make. All you have to do is combine (list of 43 ingredients)."

6/9

I got my hair cut yesterday and my wife tried to tell me that I looked "even more handsome."

I am not more handsome, I am just different handsome. I am well aware that I already reached the apex of handsomeness long ago.

6/11

Took my kids to the town fair yesterday. While waiting in line for rides I was approached by a guy who I literally have only spoken to once in my life; somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-12 years ago we had a disagreement at a bar about something to do with hockey. This guy says to me, "Remember when we argued about what the Blues needed to win the cup? And I ended up being right."

My guy, I definitely do not remember the details, nor do I care that much, but I'm just gonna go ahead and let you take that W because obviously you need it more than I do if you've been holding on to that one conversation for over a decade.

6/11

Out of context moments from my life:

My wife: "Who was looking up Rey Mysterio on my phone?"

6/12

The only thing I hide from my wife is my fast food receipts. She'd be simultaneously disappointed in my spending habits and also jealous that I went without her, so it's just better for both of us that she not know about it.

6/16

My wife's lunch really captures why we get along so well.

6/19

My son got me these for Father's Day. On the one hand I think I'm a little insulted, but on the other hand I do love snacks and these look delicious.

6/24

My daughter has gotten really into baking and I'm far too supportive of a father not to eat all these treats.

6/24

Country music is definitive proof that a kind and loving God does not exist.

6/27

On today's episode of Sentences I've Never Said Before: My weiner is too big.

Hooray, I did more than 8 jokes this month.  I referenced my chronic heartburn and also the reasons why I get it.  And I made a small dick joke.  Pretty much everything you can expect from me.  See you next month!

-R

May 2023 Joke Round-Up

Wow, last month started off so promising.  After taking a couple days to get my bearings I started firing

off jokes almost every day, sometimes multiple in a single day (ooh, so creative!).  Then I completely ran out

of steam after the mid point of the month and ended up with essentially the same joke output that I’ve had for

a while now.  C'est la vie.  Twelve jokes a month is better than no jokes a month.  And of course, these are just

the things I’ve written down as standalones.  I am well aware that I am just hilarious in conversation every

second of the day, it just doesn’t get recorded.  Truly, people that don’t get to talk to me are missing out.  Enough

of this inflating my own ego.  Here are jokes.

5/4

I like grapes because they are essentially fruit tots. And I love tots.

5/5

Woke up this morning with the song from the Skip It commercial stuck in my head.  It's been over 30 years

since I've seen that commercial. Why am I like this?

5/5

Made myself a fajita for dinner.  Realized that I wanted something spicier than the chipotle sauce I had gotten

out, so I went back to the cabinets just shouting to myself, "I WANT SOMETHING REALLY HOT. I WANT

IT TO FUCK ME UP AND RUIN MY LIFE!"

5/7

If I was a ghost people would just hear noises in their kitchen and routinely find all their snacks opened up.

5/8

My kids will regularly ask for help on their math homework and then get serious attitude with me while we

work through it together.  You better watch yourself squirt, I'm not the one who doesn't know what they're

doing here. I already passed this class.

5/11

Just spontaneously serenaded my wife with Flight of the Conchords' "The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room." 

What can I say? I'm a romantic.

5/11

Seeing someone enter a Zorb reminds me of how we all thought Ant-Man was going to defeat Thanos.

5/12

There should be a cooking competition show where people have to make cakes while they're high. 

Call it "Baked"

5/18

The longer it takes me to fall asleep at night, the more extreme my opinion of my wife's ability to easily fall asleep gets.

10:45 pm - "She's out.  Really hope I can drift off that easily tonight."

12:38 am - "This sucks.  So dumb. It's completely unfair how easily she is able to fall asleep."

2:17 am - "This fucking sleepin'-ass bitch right here..."

5/27

My daughter has figured out what my favorite snacks are and also realized that if she goes to the store with me

and suggests we buy them, that I am easily persuaded to agree.  And then we both get snacks.

5/28

I managed to successfully take an afternoon nap today.  Based on my day's activities, it seems that the catalyst

for actually falling asleep was going on a 5 mile hike.  So...that seems sustainable.

5/29

This morning I was woken up by my wife's alarm and also by her hitting me because she thought it was my alarm. #MarriageGoals

So, we have covered that I like to eat, I excel at annoying my wife, and I have trouble sleeping. 

And not even a picture this month! Riveting content right there.  I fully understand why the only person who

reads this is me.

-Ryan