March 2019 Joke Round-Up

              March is done! I’m a year older now, which I think you can see some additional maturity in my jokes from the last half of the month (just kidding, I’m a child the whole way through).   This month was highlighted by a holiday for some beloved characters, my fiancée cussing out our Amazon Echo, and a fantastic song to cap off the month.  On to the jokes!

3/2

The kids were talking about middle names, so I asked them if they remembered what mine was.
Abby: "Captain Underpants."
Henry: "Batman?"

Brb, just going to legally change my name.

3/4

Having combined household finances is so weird because sometimes I'll look at my card statement and get really proud of how frugal I've been with my spending habits but in reality it's just that my fiancée has been buying all the groceries lately and I've essentially just been mooching off of her responsibility.

3/5

On more than one occasion in my life I have made a meal out of a microwave burrito that I've rolled inside a Totino's pizza.

I only mention this because today is Fat Tuesday and I want everyone to know that this is my time to shine bright like a diamond.

3/5

I have my suspicions that the seller is not being entirely honest.

3/6

Tomorrow I'm going to be a guest reader for my daughter's 1st grade classroom. I get to pick which book I read to them, so I hope these kids are ready for some Dostoyevsky. #CrimeAndPunishment

3/6

Weird reason for a holiday, but I guess I'm in. Happy Wednesday!

3/6

Yesterday, there was a notification showing on our Amazon Echo and upon asking Alexa what it was, I was informed that a package was delivered containing the surprise birthday gift my fiancée had ordered for me. Needless to say, since the surprise was spoiled most of my fiancée's interactions with the Echo have been, "Alexa, you're a bitch."

3/11

I got the kids donuts for breakfast. Then I watched them bring dishonor on the family by eating their donuts with forks.

3/12

I keep hearing a radio ad for a local car dealership that announces that they’re hiring by adding in “And if you like shopping with us, you’ll love working with us. Apply now” at the end of the commercial. I gotta say, I don’t really follow the logic in that pitch. I patronize plenty of places that I wouldn’t want to work. I like eating Taco Bell but I’m pretty certain I would not like working there.

3/13

I was worried about what would happen to this page on the off chance I ever lost access to my FB account, so I made my fiancée a page admin as well. It was basically like I proposed to her all over again.

3/13

Any time I interact with our family dog, Barclay, my speech very quickly degrades from standard English to Swedish Chef.

3/16

Yesterday I was sick with a 103 fever, but could still function mostly regularly so I went to work. Because part of the American Dream is only taking one of your very limited sick days when even pushing the button to tell Netflix you're still watching is too big of a hill to climb.

3/18

Some of my son's school work. He's trying to make a difference in the world.

3/19

I found out that you can ask Alexa to make fart noises and I honestly don't know why they haven't been advertising this feature of the Amazon Echo because it has improved my quality of life.

3/25

If you look at my Google search history, it pretty much just ping pongs back and forth between looking up stuff about Excel VBA macros and looking up stuff about Red Dead Redemption 2. This tells me that I'm incompetent at both work and play.

3/25

Every time I open the door on the convection oven to get my chicken nuggets out and get blasted in the face with hot air...

3/27

Found this in my fiancée's stuff. Glad we'll be able to avoid the bag check fees for our flight.

3/28

I've seen this riddle floating around FB as a challenge to either get it right or post some embarrassing picture or something (which is ridiculous because I willingly post all of my embarrassments already). Anyways, the riddle is always some variation of:

"Riddle: It's 7:00 AM. You are asleep and there is a sudden knock on the door. Behind the door are your parents who came to have breakfast. In your fridge are bread, milk, juice, and a jar of jam. To answer, what will you open first?"

And I don't care what the answer is supposed to be. My answer is "nothing." I open nothing. Not my eyes, not the door, not my arms for a hug or my heart and mind for understanding. If you are at my house unannounced, particularly at 7 in the morning, your ass will be stuck standing on that porch. I don't care who you are. Go away.

3/28

Catering by BK.

3/31

The place we're getting our wedding cake from is called It's A Piece Of Cake. And every time my fiancée mentions it by name I respond by singing, "to bake a pretty cake!" My continued annoyance of her with this has been the strongest test of our relationship thus far.

And if you don't get the reference, here's a fun video:
https://youtu.be/K5tVbVu9Mkg

                Seriously, if you didn’t click that link to listen to the song, do it.  And feel free to use my fantastic BK catering idea; it was a real crowd pleaser.

-Ryan

February 2019 Joke Round-Up

                 I started off February with a joke about farts and it would appear that after phoning it in for a while I realized that nothing could top that so mid-month I just took a whole week off from writing any jokes.   Without further ado, here are some jokes you’ve already read.

2/1

On the radio this morning they were discussing some list of the top 10 things that make people laugh, including sitcoms, puns, dad jokes, etc. I didn't catch who compiled it, but there was no mention of farts so obviously that list is bullshit.

2/2

We took the kids to Disney on Ice last night. Today I overheard my daughter excitedly giving her friends a highly critical and objective analysis of her experience:

"We went to Disney on Ice. There were Disney characters there. On ice."

2/2

I think the Pinewood Derby needs to be split into 2 separate events. One where the scouts race cars they legitimately designed and built. And another where all the dads just lay their dicks out next to a measuring tape.

2/4

It was time for my hockey team to undergo a name change. Thus far, the team has always used hockey related puns in the name and I definitely wanted to keep that going. With that, I gleefully settled on the new team name: Fast & Fuhr-ious.

2/8

I think the area where I’m most financially irresponsible is easily food. I’m aware that I spend more money than I should on snacks and shitty foods. This really wasn’t much of a problem before, but since my fiancée and I have combined finances, I now have someone else bearing witness to me being a fat kid. Now there’s another person who can look at my credit card statements and say, “I see you made 3 trips to QuikTrip in one day…” And now I’m over here contemplating cash transactions so there’s no paper trail on my gas station taquitos.

2/9

I made my fiancée watch the movie Captain Ron specifically so she would understand why every time she asks where I want to go on our honeymoon I respond with, "Have you heard of St. Croix? The island just to the left of it. Ted's!"

2/11

I was pretty tired at work today because just as I was about to head to bed last night I saw there was a rerun of Jeopardy on TV with a category about mattresses and I couldn't help but stay up to flex my expertise on the subject to the empty living room. #5for5

2/14

My son picked out Valentine's cards to give to his class that have a poop emoji on them and say, "You're da bomb." I really feel like there was a huge missed opportunity with these cards but I suppose "You're the shit" might be a bit much for 1st graders.

2/14

I texted my fiancée earlier today telling her that I was picking up stuff to make her a surprise. As a hint I told her "it usually costs extra."

She responded with "a happy ending?"

Guacamole. The answer was homemade guacamole.

2/21

Updating the "Notable Skills" section of my resumé to include: Able to multitask by being a positive influence and productive member of the team on a daily basis while simultaneously internalizing a seething rage.

Unfortunately, I don't believe that this is an entirely unique skill within my peer group.

2/21

I walked into this conversation between my fiancée and the kids last night.
Henry: “Who’s the smartest?”
Kahla: “Your dad is really smart.”
Abby (turning to me): “If you’re so smart, then tell me something about Pokemon.”
#GauntletThrown #ChallengeAccepted

2/22

We were all getting ready to sit down and watch a movie as a family the other night but had a few minutes to kill while my fiancée finished up an errand in the other room. Thinking that the kids might enjoy watching some of the dancing and theatrics while we waited to start the movie (and knowing that I would), I pulled up Youtube and turned on the music video for Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal.’ Abby had a meltdown and started whining because she didn’t like it. Needless to say, Henry now has 2 bedrooms and Abby lives in the yard.

2/24

The mirror broke out of this dresser. We did what any sane person would do.

2/27

Lately at work I've been listening to a lot of early to mid 2000s pop punk because I'm somehow still chock full of teenage angst. Today I switched it up and spent the day listening to Michael Cohen's testimony to Congress because I'm also apparently full of Constitutional angst.

2/28

I think the true magic of childhood is being so excited about school getting canceled that you don't notice the panic set in on your parents' faces as they try to figure who the hell they're going to have watch you for the day.

                So next month I’ll be personally completing one more revolution around the sun, but I can pretty much 100% guarantee you that this will have absolutely no effect on my level maturity, as I’ve yet to see any progress in that direction any other year.

-Ryan

January 2019 Joke Round-Up

          We’re a month deep in the new year and that means it’s time for the January Joke Round-Up.  I do believe I found my visual humor this month, lots of pictures.   I posted a new article this month to critical acclaim (2 people told me it made them laugh!).  I lost my will to live thanks to country music, pestered my dog and made an always welcome Cool Runnings reference.  If you haven’t seen them already, here are the jokes.

1/2

Either way, I've failed as a parent.

1/3

The radio at work today has been set to play Disney songs, which has mostly been fantastic. However, I am now aware of the fact that there is a country music cover of "Let It Go." And that is how I lost my will to live.

1/3

When someone is considering doing a country music cover of any song I have to imagine that the thought process is something like, "A lot of people sure like this song. What if I made a version for people who don't like good things, though?"

1/4

Since the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dance video surfaced, a lot of conservatives have come out seemingly opposed to dancing. I'm pretty sure I've seen this situation play out before. Looks like we gotta cut loose...

1/8

Yesterday, our dog knocked over and ate my fiancée's favorite cactus. First of all, this conclusively shows that, while cute, our dog is dumb. And secondly, while she was upset about it, we couldn't really punish the dog because eating a cactus comes with its own consequences...

1/12
Having spent the better part of the last decade living in an apartment, it's been a while since I've had to shovel a driveway. What a bunch of bullshit. And why is my driveway suddenly so much bigger once it's covered in snow. I hate everything.

1/14

Just trying to put off that awkwardness until he's a teenager.

1/15

There's been a lot of talk about the fact that Trump served McDonald's to the Clemson Tigers football team, but I have seen no coverage on what should arguably be the biggest question in this whole story: was the ice cream machine out of order?

1/18

Every time I open the fridge I get confused by this damn cheese.

1/19

Multi-tasking?

1/23

I was complaining at work this morning about the fact that a vendor contact I had reached out to the other day hadn't emailed me back yet. Turns out, the guy died like a month ago.

So I guess I'm breaking out the Ouija board.

1/23

Watching this snowman die is strangely amusing to me. Look at the head!

1/25

I can't wait until I'm an old man in a nursing home who can't remember a single person around me but still somehow recalls the lyrics to the song "Bangin' On A Trashcan" from that one episode of Doug.

1/27

This dog is so sick of my shit.

1/28

Some people (usually those that are on the receiving end of it) believe that an insult or rudeness negates any point made in an argument. That's really something I disagree with. If you stubbornly believe in something that is demonstrably false, if you refuse to acknowledge facts when faced with incontrovertible evidence that you're wrong, then I think it's fair play.

"Of course the earth isn't flat, stupid."
"Climate change is real, you ignorant prick."
"2+2=4, moron."
"Yes, slavery was the cause of the Civil War, you simpleton."
"The Holocaust was real, fuckwad."
"H2O is water, dumbass."
"Vaccines work, shitbrain."

Calling someone who believes in things that are contrary to reality a rude name doesn't negate the facts presented in the other part of the sentence, and also very importantly includes the fact that they're a dipshit for believing nonsense. Really, it's a two-fer.

1/28

Sometimes art speaks to me.

1/28

My fiancée bought me a robe the other day. It's super plush and purple and probably from the women's department but I don't really care because I've been strolling through the house like living room royalty ever since I got this amazing thing. #RegalAF

1/30

Polar Vortex got me like...

1/31

Last night I dreamt that I had a bunch of landscaping done in my back yard and in the middle of all the work, Donald Trump showed up to have a short fence built splitting my yard in half under the premise that if it kept my dog from getting from one side of the yard to the other that it was proof that a border wall would work. Usually, my dreams are kind of far-fetched but this seems really plausible as a stunt he might pull.

                One cool thing about getting out a new article right off the bat in 2019 is that I have the rest of the year to disappoint everyone now.  Stay tuned.

-Ryan