Another month of
my life is gone and all I really have to show for it is my July Joke Round-Up
(sometimes I feel like I’m making just tons of progress in my life, you
know?). It looks like in the middle of
the month (specifically the 10th) I absolutely lost my shit and just
posted every thought that came into my head, because if nothing else I am a
model of self-restraint. I also threw a
couple of throwback jokes in there that I was reminded of thanks to Facebook’s
memories notifications, so I have marked those with the appropriate year to
show how far I’ve (not) progressed in my joke writing.
7/1
This
morning I ate popcorn for breakfast. Then I spent an hour in the kitchen
organizing the tupperware. I have no idea if I'm a grown-up or not.
7/2
Me:
"He'd been out on a few dates with her but he said they just recently made
it official."
#Knuckles: "What does 'make it official' mean? That he told his parents?"
#Knuckles: "What does 'make it official' mean? That he told his parents?"
7/4
Realistically,
the most American thing you can do today is to come buy a couch from me, then
put it in your yard and sit on it drinking beers. So you should probably come
see me at The Tin Shed, stimulate the economy, and don't let the terrorists win.
7/4
4th of
July would be the absolute worst time to find yourself in a situation where
you're in trouble and needing to fire a distress flare.
7/4
Feeling
super American right now. About to watch Pocahontas. #NativeAmerican
7/6
I had a
dream last night that I went out drinking with the Backstreet Boys. We picked
up some ladies at the bar, then hopped in a limo and went to play mini golf. #Ballin
7/7
My cousin
got engaged last weekend, my step brother is getting married this weekend, my
sister is getting married in a month. Meanwhile, my recent life milestones
include finishing the series I was watching on Netflix, eating an entire taco
12 pack by myself, and finding one of my missing socks. I am the pride of my
family.
7/10
For
breakfast this morning I had a soda and a cookie. Because sometimes I like to
celebrate the fact that I don't have diabetes (yet).
7/10
This week
my blog has had about 650 views coming from Israel. Looks like they love my
humor in The Holy Land.
7/10
There are
two really handsome sales guys working at The Tin Shed today. You could come in
here and buy some furniture as an excuse to see how good looking we are.
7/10
I like
that Facebook sends you a reminder for your own event. Just in case you forgot
about that party you were throwing in an hour.
7/10
Eating
dinner before a night of drinking is basically just me choosing what I want to
throw up later.
7/12
You
cannot buy drinks at the bar with Kohl’s card. And if you try to tip a stripper
by putting Kohl's Cash in her G-string, you will be asked to leave.
7/12
When you
wanna look classy and be comfortable at the same time.
7/12
Last I
heard, the oil spill hadn't gotten into Highland's water supply but I've
started showering with Dawn dishwashing detergent instead of shower gel just in
case.
7/13
Had a
weekend full of eating and drinking. Popped the button off my pants this
morning. Life has consequences.
7/13
Spent my
lunch break sewing the button back on my pants while eating. Because I like to
simultaneously solve and create problems.
7/15
Had a dream last night
that Imperial forces (from Star Wars...so basically Stormtroopers) were
invading the town and looking to capture some of my friends, so I hid them in
my potato chip factory, right under the noses of the invading army (pretty much
like Anne Frank). At one point as they searched the factory, it looked like I
was close to being found out so I managed to turn the 2 Imperial Officers
watching my factory (who happened to be Mexican Drug Cartel members) against
each other by destroying different sections of my factory and telling them that
the Emperor would be mad at them for disrupting production and limiting his
income. My ploy worked, they shot each other, my ragtag group of friends/rebels
managed to push back the Imperial Army and we celebrated by eating the remaining
Doritos.
What the hell was I doing
last night?!
7/15
Sitting
at home with a group of friends, playing Dungeons & Dragons, drinking wine
and listening to Dio. I don't think this fits any stereotypes.
7/18
Looks
like I get to keep all the Coke for myself.
7/19
I just
watched The Sixth Sense for the first time. Thankfully, nobody had ever spoiled
the twist for me in the 16 years since the movie came out.
7/21
I'm
eating cheese goldfish crackers dipped in ketchup. It's like pizza for someone
who is not proud of their decisions.
7/22
I just
really think everyone should know that I'm Funshine Bear.
7/22
I guess
my biggest question to come out of this whole Ashley Madison hacking thing is
how they ensured that the people who were signing up were actually married and
not watering down the cheating pool. Did they make them provide their marriage
license when they signed up? Like, if single guys tried to sign up would the
owners turn them away like, "I'm sorry, but you're not allowed here unless
you're trying to have an affair. We're a reputable cheating site. Only married
people allowed; you're ruining our integrity."
7/22
Everyone!
Quick! Come see how good I look!
7/23
I
remember back before social media, when people used to have their complete
psychological breakdowns in private, rather than having it plastered all over
the internet. How boring.
7/24
I think
the fact that I love eating really hot/spicy food is a good representation of
how much I enjoy being miserable in the rest of my life too.
7/24/2014
In my old
neighborhood in St. Louis, the police station was right next to a Chinese
restaurant. And if you called both at the same time, by the time the police
showed up you could offer them your leftover fried rice.
7/25
I HAD A
MONSTER ENERGY DRINK FOR BREAKFAST AND I AM JAMMING SO FUCKING HARD TO
"SHAKE IT OFF" RIGHT NOW!
7/26
Skinned
my knees powersliding across the dance floor. Tweaked my back doing The Worm.
Fixed my back doing The Bernie. Lost my voice singing...everything.
Occupational hazards of being the co-founder of Party Heroes.
7/27
One of
the more depressing things about the internet, especially going into election
season, is seeing how many people truly are just politically ignorant or
downright stupid. And then noticing how outrageously opinionated those people
are. And finally realizing that the votes of those dopes hold just as much
weight as your own.
7/28
"According
to dieticians, white bread is worse than beating your children." – J-Bone
7/29/2012
My
biggest concern about being gone for a week is that Knuckles will have the
apartment to himself. I'm sure we'll come home to beefaroni stains on the
walls, half eaten pizza rolls and beer cans everywhere.
7/30
I could
tell I was extra tired this morning when I tried to do my hair and sleepily
grabbed my toothpaste instead of the styling putty. The bad news: I'm still
exhausted. The good news: I'm minty fresh.
7/30/2011
Joined in
on what I thought was a parade this morning. Started throwing candy out my car
window. Turned out to be a funeral procession.
7/31
If I
share one of my old "memories" from Facebook, then next year will
Facebook show me a memory of me sharing my memory? "Hey, here's a reminder
of you remembering a memory that we reminded you to remember."
7/31
This is pretty much how every conversation with me goes. You laugh, you learn and then you find yourself unsure of whether or not you're supposed to feel bad.
This is pretty much how every conversation with me goes. You laugh, you learn and then you find yourself unsure of whether or not you're supposed to feel bad.
I’ve spent the past 2 days
actually finishing some writing projects for a change (that last post really motivated me to stop being a bum), so you should be seeing another update here
in the next week or so. Also, keep
showing this blog to all of your friends so that I can actually make something
of myself with all of this (questionable) talent.
-Ryan
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