As far as months go, November was one of them. I’m still dealing with the after-effects of Henry barfing in the car. I found new and exciting ways to embarrass myself in front of family on Thanksgiving, I actually wrote a new article for the first time in forever and I got to teach the general public a little something about jizzed up mattresses. Anyways, here are the jokes.
11/1
The kids got really good remarks
from their parent-teacher conferences, so I let them pick what they wanted for
dinner. They picked McDonald's. I'm gonna need them to either start liking
salads or start doing poorly at school if I'm going to maintain healthy eating
habits.
11/6
On the one hand, it’s definitely
nice to see so many people proudly voting today as they post their “I voted”
selfies on Facebook. On the other hand, there are a few of these people that I
wish would have just stayed home because I don’t trust them to tie their own
shoes properly, let alone make an educated decision about the governance of a
country. #MixedFeelings
11/7
I've reached a point in my life
where making conversation with someone involves just talking about how tired we
both are.
11/7
We have an alarm on our
refrigerator that is supposed to let us know when someone forgets to close the
door all the way, but what it really does is alert the entire house of when I'm
gorging myself on leftovers after everyone else has gone to bed.
11/9
In my excitement over the Bohemian Rhapsody movie
and my love for Queen, I opted to dress as Freddie Mercury to go see the movie.
This meant shaving off my beard.
I have learned in no uncertain terms that this is
not a face my fiancée could grow to love.
11/12
Personally, I think the most
important thing that Catholicism has contributed to humanity is the movie
Sister Act.
11/17
We were playing Jackbox and I had
to assure my fiancée that the game had no idea what it was talking about.
11/18
The real winners of Monopoly are
the people that run out of money first because they don't have to spend the
next several hours playing Monopoly.
11/19
Last night after getting their
teeth brushed and pajamas on I told the kids to go to bed. Abby started crying
because she was too tired. I have some serious concerns about her
problem-solving skills.
11/20
Wanted to use this frame I had to
put out a family picture at work. Now my family consists of me, Abby, Henry and
Iron Man apparently.
11/20
The kids wrote a story about me. I
feel...loved?
11/24
*kids come running into our room
and jump on our bed at 7 a.m.*
Me: "Geez, I was hoping to sleep in and relax this morning."
Abby: "Not today!"
#NoChill
Me: "Geez, I was hoping to sleep in and relax this morning."
Abby: "Not today!"
#NoChill
11/24
My family is coming to mine and my
fiancée's house for Thanksgiving today. It's the first time my family has ever
celebrated the occasion at my place and I'm pretty sure it's because they
expected me to serve a dinner of pizza, hot dogs and ramen.
11/24
Going the extra mile for my family.
11/25
A little over a month ago I had
some old friends over to the house and we were playing the new Jackbox Party
Pack 5. One of the games on the pack is called Patently Stupid and if you've
never played it before the premise is that you are given a bizarre,
player-submitted problem and you have to come up with a ridiculous invention to
solve that problem. During the game one of the prompts sent to me was "I
wish I could get drunk faster" so, like any rational person would, I drew
a beer being poured into a beer bong that was inserted into a butt. And I gave
this product a completely appropriate name. Yesterday, Henry gave the following
drawing to my dad and step mom as a suggested Christmas gift for me.
11/29
On days when it warms up a little
and the sun beats down on my windshield, the smell of Henry's vomit makes a
triumphant return in my car. It's pretty much the only thing that's ever made
me appreciate the colder temperatures of winter and fall. Because of that, I
can only assume that people who enjoy those seasons must have had someone puke
in their car, too.
11/30
Something that I think many people
don't know is that the warranty on their mattress is voided if there is any
discoloration or staining on it. In accordance with this, we have to inspect
every mattress return at work with a handheld blacklight to insure that we get
credit from the vendor. Those of us who regularly have to use it affectionately
refer this blacklight as Ol' Jizzy.
I
have actually been (somewhat) diligently working on a couple more new articles
for this blog and I can absolutely guarantee that at least one of them will be
posted midway through this month. Stay
tuned.
-Ryan
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