When this blog post auto-publishes the morning of Jan. 1st, I will (hopefully) still be asleep in bed next to my wife, not having a care in the world except for maybe nursing a hangover. We’re having a low key NYE in our basement, but at this point in my life if I drink 2 beers my body just kinda rolls the dice on whether or not I will feel like a bag of assholes in the morning. I felt pretty good about the number of jokes I wrote this past month. I did not feel good about the fact that this is the most jokes I have written with absolutely no reaction in a single month’s time. At the time of writing this, 5 of these 20 jokes got absolutely no reaction on the big FB. So, either I was really phoning it in, or FB is a dead platform and I should move on, or people are just tired of me and my shtick. Who knows! Honestly, it would make a lot of sense for people to be tired of me because I have been tired of myself for years; I am exhausting to be around and I am the only person who never gets a chance to have time away from me. Anyways, let’s look at some of those jokes.
12/4
I couldn't be a musician. I'd either play my own songs on repeat, declaring each song to be a "certified banger" or I'd hate everything I'd created forever. No in-between.
12/6
If FB community pages didn't exist, where would people post pictures of the Ring doorbell cameras and ask who is on their front porch instead of just answering the fucking door?
12/6
I met some of my wife's coworkers the other day. And apparently my idea of a good first impression was to talk about how, on more than one occasion in my life, I have contemplated eating something I saw in the trash.
12/7
One thing I do really enjoy is when jokes write themselves. Yesterday I had some random anti-vax dingus take exception to a joke I wrote 2 weeks ago at the expense of walking punchline and noted brain worm enthusiast RFK Jr. It's a shame she missed the joke I wrote making fun of flat-earthers the very next day because of course she's one of those too.
12/8
Well, this book definitely missed the mark…
12/9
As if I needed a reason to sing "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" in the shower.
12/9
I'm watching professional wrestling and drinking fruit punch flavored wine out of my Best Dad mug. This is it. I have reached peak existence.
12/13
I have made far too many frozen pizzas in my life to still be digging the cooking instructions out of the trash because I'm not quite sure I know what I'm doing. And yet here we are.
12/15
I would say that my greatest success as a parent is never introducing Elf on the Shelf to our household.
12/18
Pretty sure that covers it.
12/18
Sometimes I don't know if the food I'm eating is actually good or if I just have embarrassingly low standards.
12/20
Imagine being the richest person in the world and still being the lamest MFer in existence. Gosh, that would be so embarrassing.
12/20
My kids after watching me eat 2 burgers topped with chili and jalapeños.
Abby: "Dude, that's gonna mess you up. It's gonna make you go #3."
Henry: "What's #3?"
Abby: "You don't wanna know."
I am so proud of the impression I've made on my children.
12/21
It's kind of a shame that I don't like Bloody Marys because a lot of them come with snacks on top and I love snacks.
12/23
My wife's preferred sleeping position is Dead Yamcha. Every time I see her asleep, for a split second I wonder if I'm gonna have to go collect all 7 Dragonballs to wish her back to life.
12/24
I'm just full of holiday spirit and beef.
12/27
Fact: Dino nuggs are better than regular nuggs.
12/29
My wife and daughter went to the store and when they got home my daughter burst through the door singing, "We have potato wedges!"
I swear, if she starts eating wings she'll damn near be a carbon copy of me.
12/30
Sometimes I get upset that my dog can't understand all the nice things I say to him. I just really need him to know that he is the handsomest boy.
12/31
I feel really embarrassed right now because I just put a whole bunch of toasted ravioli on a platter that says "Now that's saucesome!" but I forgot to get sauce.
Cheers to 2025 and all the fuckery it will bring. Hold on to your butts.
-Ryan
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