May 2025 Round-Up

  I’m having a hard time getting started on writing my intro this month because my brain is instead choose to focus on the two equally compelling conversations of “Should I eat more donuts?” and “What kind of person am I really?” And I think the answers to those two burning questions are ultimately “yes” and “a ridiculous one.”  I walked away from writing this hoping I could come up with something resembling a coherent thought and that just didn’t happen so now we’re just going to cut our losses and move on to these jokes.

5/2

I just fell down in the pantry reaching for a box of DingDongs. 35-40 years from now that's probably how I'll die.

5/3

On the one hand I'm like, "It's Saturday night, I don't have to work tomorrow and I can stay up as late as I want." But on the other hand I'm like, "Maybe 9:45 is as late as I want to stay up."

5/4

I feel like most people who go to garage sales are just picking out things that will end up in their next garage sale.

5/5

I think the thing I'm most afraid of in life might actually be ingrown toenails. I've made more of an effort in my life to avoid those than I have snakes, spiders, or heights.

5/9

My wife and I have been scheduling a lot of projects for our house, like waterproofing the basement and getting a new roof.  But we are officially putting all of this work on hold because this morning I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of the zoo or National Geographic and now I've decided we're just going to burn down the house instead.

5/10

Son: "What's your middle name again? I forgot."

Me: "I'll give you a hint.  It starts with C and ends with R."

Son: "Charmander."

Me: "Yep, that's it. You nailed it."

5/17

I was just trying to cook up some odds and ends from our fridge and pantry and now my dinner looks like I filled a plate at an international buffet. Carnitas, couscous, and focaccia.

5/18

Do vampires have preferences on blood types? Like, are they different flavors? I'm imagining a vampire biting into someone, letting out a heavy sigh and saying, "Ugh, O+ again?! What I wouldn't give for some AB- right now."

5/18

My kids have been clogging the toilet a lot so, being an expert on the situation, I had to lecture them on proper toilet paper usage and flushing technique.  Ended it by saying, "Thanks for coming to my TURD Talk."

5/19

Women when they hear Shania Twain say "Let's go, girls!"

5/22

The flavors of Starburst are: yellow, orange, red, and pink.  Do not come at me with fruit names.

5/23

My daughter: "I don't know who any of those Marvel people are.  Is one of them White Claw? Is that a superhero?"

5/24

If the point of a Cage Match is to escape the cage, then why did you agree to be in the cage in the first place? Do you want to be in there or not? I'm getting mixed signals.

5/24

I left my bag of Doritos in the other room so that every time I want a few chips I have to go for a lil walk. This is my fitness plan.

5/25

It's crazy how my kids only realize that they are starving/exhausted/sick/urgently needing to poop when I give them a chore to do.

5/26

Family Feud: "Name something you might find in an oasis."

Me: "Noel and Liam Gallagher."

5/27

Me at my yearly checkup explaining to my doctor what medical concerns I have.

I think if I wait a few more years I can consolidate all of my round ups into a book that nobody will sell 4 copies but never actually be read by anyone. Yeah, honestly I wouldn’t even read my own book, I already lived these things and thought these thoughts once.

-Charmander