Death By Burger

It’s no secret that I have historically not made the healthiest choices when it comes to the food I put in my body.  From burgers with pizza slices for the bun, to a burrito rolled inside a pizza, to eating a Ziploc bag full of 2 week-old mostaccioli, to my propensity for indulging in whatever stupid new concoction the major fast food chains come up with; I have a storied history of bad food choices. 

Well, I recently made another awful food choice.  Now that I’m a week removed from the pain of that decision, I think I’m ready to talk about it.  Recently, Hardee’s came out with their BFC Angus Thickburger; BFC being Big Fried Cheese.  As the name would imply, the distinguishing characteristic of this menu item is the giant disc of fried cheese on top of the 1/3 lb. burger patty.  

 

Picture here: My Undoing 

Now, anyone who isn’t trying to eat their way into an early grave could reasonably talk themselves out of eating one of these things with little to no effort.  However, I am a glutton for punishment whose favorite form of therapy is testing the limits of my digestive system.   I’m also an opportunist, so when a co-worker brought up this burger and a buy-one-get-one-free coupon, I was on board because if I go into cardiac arrest at work that means I get to go home early while also being thrifty. 

 

Just kidding, you still have to finish your work day even if you die.  Either that or use a vacation day. 

At this point, it’s probably worth mentioning that the co-worker in question is not a big meat-eater, so I actually got their burger patty as well.  This meant they ended up with a glorified grilled-cheese sandwich and I got 2 fat-ass burger patties hugging a frisbee of fried cheese like some kind of heart-attack Oreo.   Staring down at this abomination of American food culture was probably the moment I should have turned back as I really haven’t felt okay with myself or my life choices since that point in time but I, brimming with hubris, pressed on with my naïve determination to consume all the worst things ever invented. 

I’m a little under a month from turning 33 and what I have discovered is that I am too fucking old to be eating shit like this anymore.  My god.  I think at one point I may have actually blacked out from eating this burger. My brain ceased to function as my body diverted all energy towards my stomach so it could figure out what the hell to do with this stupid thing I was eating.   Honestly, I don’t have anything bad to say about the flavor; it is pretty much exactly what I was expecting.  But for the overall experience I can only describe eating this thing as a spiritual event because I legitimately died, stared into the void, and decided I needed to change my ways. 

 

The Abyss really makes you appreciate a good salad. 

I finished the whole thing.  It wasn’t the smart thing to do but I am not a quitter and I hate wasting food no matter how detrimental it may be to my health.  When I was done my stomach felt like I had just eaten a landscaping brick.  It stayed like that for 3 days.  I wandered through life in a food-induced catatonic haze during that time thinking about all the food that I definitely did not have any sort of appetite for.  Finally, like another historical figure (though with a considerably smaller group of followers for myself), on the 3rd day I rose from the dead.  Honestly, it wasn’t a huge change because being food-dead is relatively close to the state of work-zombie that most of us are anyway.  At that point I did decide that food sounded good again and it definitely needed to be some fresh vegetables or anything else that wasn’t imminent death on a bun. 

I’m not saying that I’m suddenly some kind of health nut or anything; I’d actually guarantee that this health-conscious, new lease on life side of me will turn tail as soon as I see an advertisement for All-You-Can-Eat Hot Wings somewhere.  What I can say is that I will not be having another one of these BFC Burgers any time soon, or ever again because I do believe the insurance company would count that as a suicide and not pay out my life insurance policy to my wife. 

-Ryan 

January 2020 Joke Round-Up

The first month of this new year is out of the way and it brought with it fewer jokes and more concussions than I am used to.  Winter months are always a little tough because my jokes tend to be inspired by my experiences and during the winter the bulk of my experiences are just me sitting in the house being pissy about the fact that it’s winter.  That aside, I did present myself with an award, go incognito, and made breakfast with either spaghetti or margarine.  Here are some jokes. 

1/2 

*One of my favorite songs, Learn To Fly, comes on the radio* Me: "This is the best Foo Fighters song. I will fight you if you say otherwise." My daughter: "Otherwise" 

Some days my kids are smartasses and I really only have myself to blame. 

1/4 

For your consideration... 

1/9 

I've heard that coconut water can help with hangovers, but after tasting coconut water I'd rather just have the hangover. 

1/10 

A few of my coworkers were presented with some very well-deserved awards in recognition of all their hard work over the past year (ex. Employee of the Year). And while I'm extremely happy for them and appreciate all they do, this page is called Last Place Trophies so I absolutely felt it necessary to make a little something to highlight my own achievements. I am proud to announce that I have recognized myself for being an Employee. 

1/13 

I came across this person on Twitter. Regardless of political affiliation, I cannot imagine having so little personality that when asked to tell someone about yourself the description you give is predicated on your feelings for a specific politician. Get a hobby or something at that point, damn. 

1/13 

I took a pretty hard bump to the head at hockey last night. Looking at some of the symptoms for concussions, however… -Headache -Confusion or feeling as if in a fog -Delayed response to questions -Appearing dazed -Fatigue -Irritability -Sleep disturbances -Psychological adjustment problems and depression 

It would appear that I’ve just been living concussed for most of my life. 

1/14 

I don't know why they wrote a whole article for this. Let me sum up: Hard no. 

1/14 

I don't know how long I'll be able to milk this but for the time being every time my wife seems less-than-thrilled with whatever dumb shit I'm doing, I just look at her blankly and say, "I'm concussed." 

1/15 

I swapped out my self-presented Employee award for another motivator. 

1/23 

I keep hearing about this coronavirus in the news and all I can think is that it sounds like it would go well with lime. 

1/23 

Today the receptionist at the chiropractor's office told me that she didn't recognize me because I was wearing a hat. I now 100% understand how nobody knew that this guy was Captain America. 

1/28 

Breakfast could be interesting... 

Now we get to brace ourselves for February; a cold, gray, miserable month.  The good news is that I get an excuse to spend an entire day watching the classic Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day on repeat.  The bad news is that February always feels to me like that movie except without all the personal growth.  Catch you next month. 

-Ryan 

December 2019 Joke Round-Up

     I usually compile these joke round ups the night before I post them. Thankfully, despite the fact that I’ve settled down into a super mature family man, I’m still not lame enough to spend New Year’s Eve writing a blog post. However, I am quite sleepy this morning and have a headache so I hope the 3 people reading this will forgive any typos or errors they find. December brought about the 6 month mark of me annoying the hell out of my wife, nearly eating dog treats and learning the secret to iced coffee. So, here are some jokes.


12/2
A gym in my town is encouraging people to buy gym memberships to give out to others as gifts. I'm pretty sure if somebody gave me an unsolicited gym membership for Christmas I would punch them right in the mouth and then eat an entire ham while standing over their prone body.

12/6
My son really enjoys getting to hang out with the grown ups because it makes him feel like a big kid, so he’s started asking if some of my friends can come over and play Xbox. You better believe that I’m taking full advantage of this to hang out with my friends and do some gaming.

“Sorry babe, I’ll just have to do the yard work another time. Henry wants me to play video games with my friends and I’ll be damned if I’m going to disappoint the boy.”

12/7
My wife's family has a Rob Your Neighbor gift exchange at their annual holiday gathering. This year the gift I brought to it was a coloring book, crayons and a 6-pack of beer; the idea being that you chug the beers and then try to keep your coloring inside the lines.

I'm not just giving things, I'm giving experiences.

12/10
Today at work I got in trouble for doing arithmetic.

There's no punchline to this. Apparently the real joke is my continued existence.

12/16
As a recently married man, one of my new favorite games to play around the holidays is "Don't Get The Mail Today Because One Of Your Gifts Is Being Delivered." Followed closely by, "Don't Tell The Kids What I Got For Mom Because They're Snitches."

12/17
The battery on my Illumibowl is getting low, which is indicated by LED light flashing quickly several times when it first turns on. What this really means is that for the past week when I've gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom it's like I'm peeing in a rave.

12/18
Keeping things spicy with the wife.




12/21
Tomorrow is 6 months since I got married. This is just another day of me annoying my wife.




12/22
Modern problems require modern solutions.




12/24
My son started throwing shade before the sun was even up today.



12/25
At my wife's family Christmas today we played a game called Telestrations After Dark, which is like a risque combination of Pictionary and the schoolyard game Telephone. I ended up having to draw a picture to try to get my mother in law to guess the phrase "double penetration." So...that's how Christmas went.

12/26
On today's episode of Facepalming: I watched a bunch of rural midwesterners argue over which one of a handful of nearby small town Mexican restaurants with identical menus was "most authentic."

Bonus: one person claimed to be an expert because they were "from the southwest" and had superior tastebuds. They established dominance in throwing down their opinion on the most authentic... still ignoring the aforementioned identical menus.

I hope later I can watch them argue over which Olive Garden has the most authentic Italian food.


12/26
All I'm saying is that they need to label these packages more clearly.



12/31
Honestly, I'm just really mad that there needs to be instructions to explain to people that the secret to iced coffee is combining ice and coffee.




Well, it is a new year, but I don’t plan on a new me because that seems like an awful lot of work and a new me might be even worse at making inappropriate jokes. So, expect the exact same me that you’ve come to know and tolerate.

-Ryan