So,
this is my 100th post. I know,
I’ve been really lazy with updates the past few months so I hope this one doesn’t
suck. Really, there’s a good reason for
me to be so scant with updates recently.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried writing, but it’s fucking hard. And it’s time consuming. And sometimes I write whole articles that I
think just suck so I throw them away and feel really bad about all the time I
just wasted writing jokes that nobody will ever see. That’s why this 100th post is so
special.
It’s
not very often that I have a thought in my head that doesn’t get blurted out,
posted on Facebook or made public in some way.
For the most part, I’m one of those people that lack a filter and/or the
good sense to not always say the first thing that comes to mind. However, since I’ve started to realize that
some of the absurdities born of my mind aren’t really suitable for
dissemination across a wide audience (how smart did that sound?), I’ve begun to
hold back a little. Sometimes, I write
things that are too dark, too gross or too politically incorrect for me to
share them with everyone, at least not without some context attached to them. Of course, now that I have this blog and more
than 140 characters to explain myself, I have a great opportunity to put some
of these jokes in context. So here are 5
jokes that I didn’t end up sharing with the world all for pretty different
reasons. These are the Jokes That
Weren’t.
“How can dogs just a pinch a loaf and be
fine but I gotta wipe my ass for 20 minutes?”
Okay, I don’t think I need to go into the history of how this joke (or
very real thought) came about, as I’m sure you can probably figure it out on
your own. But I think this is a
legitimate point. Dogs just go outside,
drop a deuce and go back to their day.
If I’m that clean after a dump, I consider it a good day. Most often, we all sit there and have to wipe
and wipe until the paper comes up clean.
Then you do a security-wipe just to make sure the clean wipe wasn’t a
false reading. And really, that’s still
kind of weird, isn’t it? If you got a
bit of poop on your hand, would you just wipe it off with a napkin and go back
to your day? Hell no, you scrub that
shit (literally).
“I saw a shirt that said ‘Your body isn’t
wrong, society is wrong’ and I thought it was a great sentiment. But the shirt was like a 4XL. I think a positive self-image is important,
but I also think vegetables and treadmills are important.”
This one never got posted
because there is a huge movement against “fat-shaming” and I was pretty
positive that the joke would spiral out of control with negative
responses. I may not be a fitness expert
(or even novice) but I try to watch what I eat and stay active to maintain a
healthy weight. And I do think there is
a difference between making fun of someone for being overweight and pointing
out unhealthiness in their lifestyle. If
you’re huffing paint, I’m not going to tell you that society is wrong for
telling you not to huff paint and if you’re at an unhealthy weight (high or
low), people shouldn’t be telling you that’s okay either. Clearly, a big reason this joke never went
anywhere was because I’d have to spend too much time being serious and
defending it, and if you haven’t noticed yet, I don’t do much serious
(remember, the joke right above it is about poop).
“If I were to ever die in a freak fatal
accident or anything, I would want it to be on April Fool’s Day so that
everyone would think it was a prank and then they’d feel bad when they found
out it wasn’t.”
Well, this one is just morbid. I personally thought this one was really funny
(and I typically hate everything I write).
I had a few people that I shared this with who thought it was funny, but
I knew they had that kind of twisted humor.
While I do make a lot of self-deprecating jokes, I walk a fine line to
make sure people don’t think I have some kind of a personality disorder (am I
succeeding?) and this one just seemed like it would have people calling a
suicide hotline for me if I thrust it upon the general public. There’s a reason why I typically avoid April
Fool’s Day pranks; it’s because everything I do would either be morbid or
involve poop (see my earlier jokes about poop).
“Do other races talk about their one white
friend by saying ‘He’s one of the good ones.
He won’t go on a mass shooting.’”
So, this one is a bit of a
hot-button issue. I have unfortunately
seen a lot of really stupid people make really awful, racist statements about
correlations between criminal activity/terrorism and people of different
ethnicities, countries of origin, immigration status or skin color. And then they turn around and say stupid shit like, "I'm not racist. I'm just talking about the bad ones." It pissed
me off, so I thought I’d make a statement about it through a joke. But, much like some of my other jokes, I did
not have the energy or the desire to
spend the next several days arguing with shitty people about it. As much as I relish completely destroying
dumb people in arguments, I felt like this one was going to end up with me
dealing with more tiresome idiots than I cared to, even if it is statistically accurate.
“I like when I see people post online
that they’re ‘sending prayers’ to someone who’s had misfortune. It’s the perfect way to do nothing helpful
and not feel bad about it.”
Well, this one is clearly
offensive to anyone who considers themselves a devout follower of their faith
(and many that don’t). I try not to
touch too heavily on any sort of religious commentary because it’s basically
the number 1 way to piss people off and as long as you’re not demanding me to
convert or affecting my life, I really don’t care what you do or who you
follow. And this joke pretty much flew
right in the face of that stance of mine (I hate being a hypocrite). I have a tendency to make fun of whatever
trends I see happening on social media, so this joke followed suit with that,
but it definitely had a lot more potential to incense people than my other
jokes.
“There’s nothing wrong with a Devil’s
three-way. It’s just 2 buddies having
sex with different ends of the same girl.
Sometimes there’s even a high-five.
Everybody likes high-fives.”
I actually got really bold (or
drunk) and posted this on Facebook at one point, then immediately deleted it
(it did get 1 Like before it was deleted!).
No matter how I phrased this, or what the timing of it was when I posted
it, I could not get this joke to feel right.
Maybe it’s because the joke is about having sex and the vast majority of
jokes that I make are about how useless I am when it comes to women (there’s
arguably no reason why my girlfriend even likes me aside from her just having
bad taste), so this joke seems entirely out of place for me. Maybe it’s because for one time in my life I
actually took a second to feel some sort of shame about what I was saying (no,
that’s never the case). For whatever
reason, this just didn’t feel right to post on Facebook and Twitter. But here it is now, so it will end up on
those sites anyways (so totally share this post and embarrass me).
Maybe this will give you some
insight as to how my brain works and how I edit and tailor my jokes for my
audience (it hasn’t given me any insight, I’m still clueless). Maybe this was all an elaborate way of me
still getting to tell jokes that I’ve been stewing over ever since I wrote
them. Maybe nobody is even reading
this. Maybe this whole thing was a
mistake and these jokes are so terrible that this will be the death-knell for
my joke-telling career. It was a good
run.
-Ryan
