March 2018 Joke Round Up

                March was a pretty great month, even outside of the jokes.  I got engaged to my girlfriend at the beginning of the month, which as anyone who has been around this blog for a while knows is the reason why my source of stupid,single-guy, drunken shenanigan stories has dried up and turned into jokes about me doing dadly things and being a poor role model for children.  In fact, this month ended on one such joke.  On to the jokes!

3/2

At the kids' elementary school Family Reading Night last night there was a silent auction and one of the items up for bid was a birthday party at the firehouse. I'm really disappointed that I got outbid on that one because my birthday is coming up in just a few weeks.

3/3

These kids are savage. They woke me up at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and called me lazy. Sure hope they appreciate me doing the same thing to them when they're teenagers.

3/7

One of the daily mundane struggles of having 2 first names is that I can't ever really tell if people are calling me Rick because they think it's my first name or because they're doing that guy thing where we call each other by our last names.

3/8

This morning I saw 2 ardent Trump supporters complaining about celebrities in politics. Should I tell them...?

3/13

I recently found out that my fiancée thought the lyrics to The Safety Dance were:
"We can dance if we want to,
You can leave your pants behind."

And I think this means that her and I had very different understandings of what was going on in the 80s.

3/14

One cool thing about planning a wedding for next summer is that I have over a year to alienate people and trim down this guest list.

3/15

I saw a girl give her guy a long kiss goodbye right before he went into the bathroom at the arena. I know the lines are long, but that seems excessive.

Also worth noting that he didn't wash his hands.

3/15

Watched as a visibly intoxicated woman was being detained by security and shouting to her equally drunk husband "They don't think I'm 21. I need my purse" and her husband (who had the purse) just kept pointing to his finger and shouting back, "I'm married to her!" #DrunkLogic

3/16

Not sure why it took me so long to come to this point, but I have decided that since Darius Rucker makes country music now I will henceforth refer to him as Hoot Scootin' Boogie.

3/18

The kids found this at the store and I used it for a teachable moment.
Henry: "What is faith?"
Me: "It's a song by George Michael."
#LifeLessons

3/20

My favorite typo is when people say "defiantly" when they mean "definitely" because it 100% changes the meaning of what they were saying from "I am excited about this" to "fuck you for suggesting this."

3/22

Just gonna get involved in the political discussion.

3/23

One of the kids' spelling words this week is "beautiful" and I have just been preparing to teach someone to spell this word for almost 15 years now.

3/23

This jacket is HOT.

3/24

I do not want this on my meat..

3/25

Uhh... that's not what that's for.

3/29

I thought I was doing pretty great at this parenting thing but today Abby cut her hair, Henry knocked over the tv, somebody clogged the toilet and now I really need a beer.

                At this point, I’m clearly pretty much an expert in relationships and parenting, so I think I’ll work on a How-To guide for all those other poor schlubs who might stand to learn a thing or two from my experiences.

-Ryan

February 2018 Joke Round-Up

                February is already over, which isn’t surprising because it is the shortest month but it is welcome because it is usually the shittiest month (it’s right in the middle of winter, which you already know I hate).  There was tragedy, there was Olympic fervor, there was political nonsense.  And in the midst of all that, there were some jokes.

2/4

Overheard the kids talking. 
Henry: "I wish Mario was real."
Abby: "Yeah, well, he's not."
#NoChill

2/6

Maybe I'm just being nostalgic but...

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
"They misunderestimated me,"
"There's an old saying in Tennessee. I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, 'Fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me... You can't get fooled again!'"
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women."

Does anyone else miss the golden days when these were the dumbest/craziest things ever said by a sitting president?

2/9

Pro Tip: if you get added to a Facebook group asking for addresses for wedding invitations, take this opportunity to sign strangers up to receive glitter and gummy penises. They will appreciate the anonymous gifts.

2/10

It's gonna be a long walk.

2/14

Valentine's Day boxes seem like they're the new Pinewood Derby car in terms of children's projects that parents take over and over-complicate.

Both my Valentine's Day box and my Pinewood Derby car were absolutely garbage, but grade school me at least had the satisfaction of knowing that I created that garbage all by myself.

2/15

Came across this angry vegan. This might be a good argument if anyone was eating meals comprised of only meat, instead of balanced diets. #AtLeastYouTried

2/17

One thing I really enjoy about having a girlfriend is hearing about how badly I was farting in my sleep last night.

2/20

I saw an interview with the parents of an Olympian discussing why they felt she was so successful with her sport. It included a video of her when she was younger skating on a quarter pipe that was built on the tennis court in their backyard. The parents named many reasons as to why their daughter was successful, like her willingness to try new things and how they let her be a bit of a daredevil within the confines of safety. But they never mentioned the positive impact of HAVING THE MONEY TO BUILD A QUARTER PIPE ON THE TENNIS COURT IN THEIR BACKYARD.

2/21

People who want to arm teachers so they can double as security guards have obviously never played Dungeons & Dragons. It's common knowledge that any time you multiclass a character it's going to be weaker at both specialties.

2/22

Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow's "lifestyle brand" company, recently promoted a $135 coffee enema kit. Pretty sure a $1 coffee cleans me out well enough the normal way.

2/27

Let me call my buddy who's an expert on goalies.

My transition from a lonely guy making awful decisions into a relationship-having dude with dad-like responsibilities has been a strange one.  And one thing I’ve learned is that my experience with drunk people has actually given me tons of patience for kids because they’re basically the same thing.  More on that later.

-Ryan

January 2018 Joke Round-Up

We are a month into 2018 and it’s literally the same as every other month and year ever because dates are just a meaningless human construct designed to aid us in organizing ourselves.  This month I had lots of questionable diet choices, including ramen noodles, Tide Pods, provocatively named vegetables and dino chicken nuggets.  Seriously though, I made a joke about Tide Pods and then the trend of them kept going so like 2 weeks later I made another jokes about them because people are stupid and this is what our society has come to.  Anyways, here are the jokes.

1/2

A boil order was issued for my area but I was just going to use the water to make ramen, which is toxic anyway, so I'm really not too concerned about it.

1/3

I think the competitors on obstacle course shows (Ninja Warrior, Wipeout, Ultimate Beastmaster, etc.) become a lot less impressive when you consider the fact that a short, pudgy, Italian plumber has been doing that same kinda stuff for like the last 35 years now. And all while high on mushrooms.

1/4

Just following trends here.

1/4

Trump said that his nuclear button is "bigger" than Kim Jong Un's. Really, I think we all know that Trump's is actually a normal-sized button that just looks really large next to his tiny hands.

1/10

My co-worker was eating a big salad that looked really good and got me craving one as well. But I didn't have any way to acquire my own big salad so I ate a bunch of chocolate instead. #FitIn2018

1/11

I used to wear belts because my pants were loose. Now I wear belts because I need a failsafe in case the button on my pants gives out mid-day.#SafetyFirst

1/13

Went to the casino tonight. Spent a few minutes placing max bets on a nickel video poker machine so I could feel like part of the 1%, if only for a brief time.

1/16

The other day the kids were not listening and for the first time ever I broke out the middle names. Holy crap that kinda power could really go to someone's head.

1/19

I couldn't afford Tide Pods so I opted to pour myself a glass of Purex instead.

1/19

I found a plastic coin jammed into the disc slot on my Nintendo Wii. I have never struck a child, but today I considered it.

1/21

I wonder if people in other countries ever get confused about how America simultaneously has hyper-nationalism and widespread hatred for the Patriots.

1/22

I like how Republicans will work against their own interests and consider it a victory as long as they make liberals mad. That's like painting dicks all over your house because your neighbors will think it's an eyesore.

1/28

This must be an an attempt to get people to eat healthier.

1/30

Kind of looking forward to Trump's State of the Union address tonight.

"This union is in a tremendous state. The best. Some would even say, and you hear this a lot, that it's the stateliest union they've ever seen. Experts say this. Very smart people. Hillary couldn't have gotten a union to this state."

1/31

The kids are coming to my place tonight so my girlfriend can take her mom out for her birthday. In preparing for this, I went and bought a bunch of food I know they like that they could choose from for dinner: dino chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, chicken soup, hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc.

It still just looked like a normal trip to the grocery store for me. #RefinedPalate

Onward to February!

-Ryan