August 2018 Joke Round-Up

                August is over and that means we are ever closer to the absolutely garbage season that is fall.  In this, the last full month of glorious summer before we start the death spiral into most bullshit time of year, I had some crazy dreams, I made probably too many Star Wars references and I reaffirmed the universal constant that I am a fat kid at heart.  Here are jokes.

8/1

My fiancée got a ukelele for herself so she could learn to play. Looks like the soundtrack for the rest of my life is gonna be Train's "Soul Sister."

8/2

I wanna go fast.

8/5

Watched Dr. Strange with the family this evening. Abby ended up not liking it because she thought I said we were watching Dr. Suess and she didn't see a single cat in a hat.

8/6

What is the appropriate waiting time before eating your kids' leftover mac & cheese in the fridge? Asking for myself.

8/7

Occasionally, I have dreams where I'm fighting people and wake up throwing kicks or punches.

Last night, I had a dream that there was a murderer in my house and I had to stop them. I woke myself up about 3:30 in the morning with some serious sleep-karate and in the flurry of blows I unfortunately managed to catch my sleeping fiancée in the jaw.

I feel absolutely terrible about it, but I'm also slightly concerned that she may have been the murderer.

8/9

While driving the other day I saw a girl walking down the street in gray camo pants and a black tank top and I had to do a double take because for a split second I thought one of the Bushwhackers was just strolling through town.

8/10

Just being super mature over here.

8/13

One thing I enjoy about being a parent is that I feel like I didn't get to repeat myself enough before and now I get to practice saying the same thing over and over again in an increasingly frustrated tone.

8/15

Last night I dreamt that I was at a pretty swanky all-you-can-eat buffet and dream me was pretty pumped about it. I was next in line to pay for my meal and commence to pigging out when my alarm went off. On the one hand I was upset that I didn’t get to enjoy the dream buffet, but I’m also glad the alarm went off before I paid so I didn’t end up wasting my dream money.

8/15

The kids have gotten really into cooking challenge shows lately. So much so that the other night they were having an imaginary Kids Baking Championship at the kitchen table. They took turns pretending to put ingredients together while the other one was the judge and timekeeper. Despite the fact that, since it was all imaginary, they could at any time declare their creations complete, Abby got really mad that Henry was counting too quickly and she wouldn’t be able to finish her cake in time. Conversely, Henry also was upset when Abby told him that his imaginary cake wasn’t good enough to send him to New York.

8/22

I was so worried about getting the kids' lunches together for school this morning that I left my own lunch sitting on the counter. Lame.

8/22

I found the old "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" computer game available to play online. I failed my first 2 cases by chasing the wrong leads and then failing to obtain a warrant. I don't know how 11-year-old me ever managed to rise above the rank of Gumshoe, but he's making 31-year-old me look like a chump.

8/23

Last weekend I went on a bachelor party trip for one of my friends. This is the only picture of me from the weekend.

8/25

Some dummy on the internet got into an argument with me and then decided to make rude comments about my fiancée. #GotEm

"Just because fleshlights are shown in advertisements doesn't mean you're married to a model."

8/25

I heard that a good way to combat conspiracy theories is to counter them with even more outlandish theories. I have taken that to heart.

8/28

One of my favorite things about doing dishes is playing a little game I like to call, "Oops, I Guess That Wasn't Dishwasher Safe After All." I'm really good at it.

8/29

Henry asked me to play with his new Star Wars Lego set with him. I take this very seriously.

8/29

Keeping with the Star Wars theme, I was teaching Henry to bullseye womp rats. Sadly, we didn't have a T-16 to do it from.

8/30
There is a cricket chirping non-stop outside my window and I'm seriously considering going out there to yell at it to shut the hell up because he's a sadsack who will never get laid.

                So in a few weeks we’ll play the yearly gamble of seeing if fall makes me curl up into a ball of quiet despair or makes me start rage-writing a bunch of bitterness-fueled jokes.  It’ll be fun! Stick around.

-Ryan

July 2018 Joke Round-Up

                Geez, it’s fucking August already.  I’m so overwhelmed by this that I had to drop the F-bomb.  The kids go back to school in 2 weeks and my work schedule will change to accommodate getting them to school in the morning.  My evening schedule will change to accommodate the fact that I have to re-learn everything about 1^st grade so that I can help them with their homework.  And we’re sneaking ever closer to fall, which we all know is a bullshit, garbage season.  My strategy this past month was to go hard on the jokes early, then forget I needed to write a joke for like a week, and then panic at the end of the month that I hadn’t written enough jokes.  Anyways, here they are.

7/4

I was going hard at game night. #Nerd

7/4

Nothing unusual about this. Just getting ready to play in the pool.

7/4

One cool thing about wearing American flag shorts is that people pay respect when you're at half mast.

7/4

Update: I have tamed the duck.

7/6

If you're into anything other than guns (or The Communist Manifesto...?) then this is not the sports section for you.

7/6

I'll stick with Thor.

7/13

I made a nice roast with potatoes and carrots but nobody else in the family eats roast so I'm saving on dishes by eating it directly out of the crockpot. #SmallVictories

7/15

Soccer is the premier sport for stupid haircuts.

7/17

I saw this picture online and my first thought was "you can size condoms and measure spaghetti at the same time."

7/18

Taco Bell needs to expand their taco pack lineup to have denominations available to match every size case of beer. I want a taco 30-pack.

7/18

#LifeHack: when posing for a picture, think about farts. It will make you laugh and create a much more genuine smile.

7/20

Came across this in my news feed. Sometimes I don't have to write jokes because people turn themselves into jokes for me.

In the span of less than hour this guy went from "I'm gonna unfriend people because of their politics" to "I can't believe people would unfriend me over politics."

7/21

I've started a tradition of taking the kids out to pick up donuts on Saturday mornings. This succeeds on multiple levels.

1. They think I'm cool.
2. I get to eat donuts.
3. My fiancée and I get to sleep in on Sundays because they eat leftover donuts for breakfast.

7/24

As I watch the current administration's regular foreign policy blunders cause The United States to slip from a position of leadership on the world stage, I find myself deeply disappointed by the fact that Wakanda isn't real.

7/27

*30 seconds after the kids lay down for bed*
Henry: "I can't sleep."

It only gets worse, kiddo.

7/28

Found some 2-week old mostaccioli in the fridge. Glad I don't have to cook myself lunch now. #LiveDangerously

7/28

I love bounce houses, but the judgemental looks I'm getting from all these kids' parents is really ruining my experience.

7/30

I think my favorite thing about Fox News is that every time you think you've figured out who is the dumbest asshole on the network one of the other anchors steps up their game to a whole new level of dipshittery.

7/30

I told my fiancée that if we have a baby girl in the future I want to name her Charlotte so that when she is well-behaved I can praise her by saying "Good Charlotte." #LittleThings

7/31

When I got home from work today my fiancée surprised me with hot wings. It's like she forgot that I already proposed.

                Still getting used to this whole owning a house thing.  And I still kinda feel like I’m just squatting in someone else’s place.  I am positive this awkwardness will result a joke or 2 next month, but only time will tell.

-Ryan

June 2018 Joke Round-Up

                June is done.  In May my fiancée and I bought a house.  In June we actually moved into the house and started the process of figuring out what to do with all of our shit.  With all of this going on, I feel like I didn’t write nearly as many jokes this month because if I wasn’t working I was probably passed out.  I had lots of pictures, though, which Facebook has been kind enough to let me know that people enjoy my pictures more than my words because this is 2018 and we’re slowly transitioning away from language as our primary form of communication.  So here are some words and pictures that may or may not be jokes.

6/2

There's a first time for everything. #NoDabbing

6/5

This morning I remembered that I was supposed to give a coworker a ride to work yesterday. #BetterLateThanNever

6/10

*The kids playing Super Mario Bros. 3*

Henry: "I don't like the guy that throws socks."
Abby: "Those are boomerangs. Weirdo."

To be fair, they do kinda look like tube socks.

6/14

This shot of me napping with my dad's dog looks like the worst senior picture ever.

6/15

I called DirecTV to cancel my service, as I won't be using them at the new house.
Rep: "Mr. Rick, I see you've been a customer with us since 2011, we want to thank you for your loyalty. How can I help you today?"
Me: "Remember when you thanked me for being a loyal customer? You might wanna walk back that statement."

6/15

My conversation with a DirecTV rep about cancelling my service turned into a weird breakup conversation where I was essentially convincing them "it's not you, it's me."

"I'm just going in a different direction right now. I just bought a house and am making changes to my finances. I enjoyed my service, I really did."

6/21

I've seen an increasing number of different Oreo flavors recently and I'm wondering at what point does society discard all other foods and just have a spread of flavored Oreos for Thanksgiving dinner?

6/21

Extreme mosquito activity is extreme. #EXTREME

6/21

A happy little accident?

6/22

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

6/28

Finished making tacos for dinner right as the power went out with tornado sirens blaring in the background. If this is the way I go out, I'd say I did well.

6/28

Update: the tacos were delicious but the tornado chickened out.

6/29

Because the power was out for several hours last night, I had to use sonar to go to the bathroom. The pee stains all over my living room carpet indicate that I was not successful.

6/30

Parenting win.

6/30

I feel personally attacked.

                If I don’t write a mess of jokes this month now that we’re settled in to the house, it’s probably because I spent the whole month fucking around on that slip ‘n slide. Assuming that I have competent supervision, of course.

-Ryan