Interesting month to look back
on. I started off a little political,
got in a lot of pictures (including the always appreciated reference to Cool
Runnings), reaffirmed my hatred of Fall and people named Blake, and stumbled
upon a dick-measuring contest at work.
These are jokes.
9/1
When I see people argue that Nazis were
socialist because of their name, I have to wonder what they think of the
Democratic People's Republic of Korea. And of The Cheesecake Factory.
9/2
Last week, after my credit card was declined at
the grocery store, I checked my account to see a fraudulent charge for $167 at
Jimmy Jazz. I immediately got on the phone with my bank's fraud department and
gave them an earful. You'd think that after tracking my purchase habits for the
last 5 years they'd know better than to think that me buying urban streetwear
is more likely than me buying 7 frozen burritos.
9/5
If you don't instinctively refer to every
sequel as "(Title) 2: Electric Boogaloo" then I'm just really not
sure how we can even be friends.
9/7
I just need to know who is spending their time
converting bears to Christianity.
9/8
I know I may seem like I'm totally cool, suave
and composed at all times, but you should know that properly working Excel
functions make me giddy.
9/9
This reference is only like 4 months late.
9/9
I surprised my girlfriend with tickets to see
the Foo Fighters for our anniversary. She felt it necessary to inform me that
me excitedly running out of the room to grab the tickets from their hiding spot
was initially taken as me running out of the room to take an urgent dump.#TheMoreYouKnow
9/9
Today I managed to accidentally slice open my
finger with a pair of child safety scissors. #NeverTellMeTheOdds
9/12
I'm sure this is an artistic impression of
something....
9/13
Every sci-fi/horror/disaster movie has a team
of like 5 experts in their field and then 1 regular dude that is tossed in
because he either grew up in the area, or can cook, or his grandpa funded the
expedition, etc. And today I came to the sad realization that I'm not even
qualified to be the regular dude in those situations. Hell, Ernie Hudson joined
the Ghostbusters for no other reason than the fact that he was just a guy
looking for a job. I'm not qualified to be Ernie Hudson.
9/16
Conversations with a 6 year-old.
Me: "Abby, did you eat cookies for breakfast?"
Abby: "Yes, but they were so nummy."
Me: "I understand that struggle."
Me: "Abby, did you eat cookies for breakfast?"
Abby: "Yes, but they were so nummy."
Me: "I understand that struggle."
9/18
Really concerned about what was being measured
in the men's room.
9/19
Last night, to the surprise of everyone on my
hockey team, I scored 2 goals in quick succession. Immediately afterwards, I
overheard the other team's captain telling his team that they needed to make
sure to cover me, which worked out really well for us because as they were
wasting coverage on me, the actual good players on my team were able to get
open and make plays. #DiversionaryTactics
9/19
Update
9/22
Stop rubbing it in, Facebook! #FallSucks
9/23
Don't ask why I was looking at candles online,
but for $500 this candle better be the size of a beer keg and have the same
relaxing properties as Ambien.
9/25
Was on the sidelines of a 5k run this past
weekend. Thought I'd take it upon myself to turn the race into an obstacle
course.
9/27
Does anyone else have those people that you
don’t know personally but can identify by name simply because you always see
them leaving stupid-ass replies on your friends’ posts? Checking the comment
section like, “Alright, let’s see what fucking Blake said now because I know
it’s gonna be dumb. Glad that asshole isn’t my friend.”
9/29
There are so many things wrong with this.
Gobbles up too much drawer space? How big of a pizza cutter are they using? Is
that why this person's pizza cutter cost $23? Because all the ones I've found
cost $5-$12, but maybe I'm just looking at the wrong size. Who the hell is
cutting their pizzas with kitchen shears? Because you're wrong and you should
be reminded of that constantly. Why don't you eat spaghetti with a garden
trowel so you can save money and drawer space on forks, too? And pizza cutters
being rarely used? Step off, you don't know how I live my life.
9/30
My girlfriend asked me to send her a bunch of
pictures that I took of her and the kids playing at the park. In the midst of
the 20 or so pictures I sent, I included this one of the team from Cool
Runnings just because I thought it was a good one.
Some
people, you know they say they don’t believe. Thanks for reading!
-Ryan
No comments:
Post a Comment