November Joke Round-Up

                Another month of our lives has come and gone and you’re still here wasting your life,

 reading my blog (thank you!).   So here’s the recap of all the jokes that I wrote this past month.

11/1/2013

Life is like a box of chocolates, but half of the chocolates are filled with shit.

11/1

I need to find a Chinese restaurant that will sell me wonton soup by the barrel.

11/1

Nobody can dull my shine today because I'm still covered in glitter from last night. ‪#‎SeeWhatIDidThere

11/2

Got this sweet head wound going on today. Don't remember how it happened but I bet it was fun.

11/2

"You look like 90% of dudes on 'To Catch a Predator' without your beard..." –Tyler

11/3/2010

Is it appropriate for me to climb on top of the freezer cases at work to sing along when Michael Bublé is played on the store radio? No...but that doesn't really bother me.

11/3

In light of election season, which is tragically already upon us, I'm going to take a hardline stance: I think bad things are bad and good things are good. There should be less bad things and more good things. ‪#‎GodBlessAmerica

11/3

The past few mornings I have absentmindedly shampooed my face in the shower because I am not smart enough to remember that I do not have my beard right now. I'm a man of routine.

11/4/2014

One thing I enjoy about the internet is how I can start off reading a biography of Edgar Allan Poe and end up reading an episode guide for "That's So Raven."

11/4

Sometimes when I'm feeling bad about myself I go to the Facebook pages of my attractive female friends and read the disgusting/embarrassing comments left on their pictures by thirsty guys; then I feel thankful that I'm not that pathetic.

11/5

I've written a lot of jokes about relationships/single life the past couple of days, and now I have to space out posting them all over the next few weeks so that people don't think I'm sad and bitter.

11/6

I think the only appropriate time to play Christmas music is on December 24th & 25th.

11/6

Seriously though, why aren't there more songs to get people in the Thanksgiving spirit? With heartwarming lyrics about eating yourself into a coma, unapologetically drunk family members, and constantly being asked when you're going to get married/have kids/get your shit together.

11/7/2014

I went to an all-you-can-eat soup & salad buffet last night. I think that's a great way to make 7 trips through a buffet line without feeling like a fatass.

11/7

I just can't help but wonder why it was called "Destiny's Child" instead of "Destiny's Children." There was more than 1 person in the group

11/8/2014

I try to maintain healthy eating habits but I also have a tendency to treat my diet like my cell phone plan: free nights and weekends.

11/8

Unfortunately, it would appear that Walgreens does not carry 55-gallon drums of Tylenol.

11/8/2014

When I type "I'm an" into my phone the 3 suggestions it offers for the next word are "expert", "asshole" and "adult."

This phone understands me better than most people.

11/8

Kyle: "We're not good people."
Me: "I don't feel bad, though."

11/8

Went to dinner with Kyle & Amy. I ordered as much food as both of them combined. I should probably be more embarrassed about this.

11/9

Saw an article titled "6 Tricks for Saving on Holiday Travel." That's a waste of an article. I have 1 tip for saving on holiday travel: Don't

11/9

Don't mind me, just waging my own little ‪#‎WarOnChristmas apparently.

11/10

‪#‎Knuckles told me this morning that I'm the reason he's late for work every day. Apparently, I get out of the bathroom too late and he cannot possibly get ready for work in an hour. I suggested that maybe he shouldn't take a 45 minute shower but he quickly shot that idea down with, "No, I like long showers."
I'm just glad that I know how inconsiderate I am now.

11/11/2013

Before work this morning I stopped by the local animal hospital to thank the doctors there for all their hard work. They politely informed me that it is actually Veteran's Day.

11/11

I'm in a Blues hockey discussion group here on Facebook and last night one of the members posted a picture of herself, which inspired me to play a game of "Who Wore It Better?" Pretty sure I ‪#‎NailedIt

11/12

That picture I posted yesterday has gotten the most response out of anything I've ever done. I've concluded that in order to keep getting these kinds of results, I should start showing a little more leg in my pictures from now on.

11/12

I just made some really awesome dinner for myself. I'm not gonna post a picture or even say what it was though because I think the internet has ruined everyone's ability to use their imagination.

11/13

I like to consider myself an old-fashioned gentleman because I still think it's cool to make mixtapes for your crush.

11/13/2013

I'm going to turn Trivial Pursuit into a drinking game so I can test my knowledge while I destroy my brain cells.

11/13

‪#‎Knuckles loves trivia.

11/14

Just ate a whole tube of Pringles. It's true: once you pop, you can't stop.

This is why I don't do drugs.

11/15/2013

As I was driving home I saw a big, lifted pickup truck that had iron cross decals on it, extremely loud oversized pipes, and a pair of truck nuts on the hitch. My first thought was, "I have a bigger penis than that guy."

11/15

I bet more women would be interested in me if I wore those sneakers with the light up heels. Those are totally still cool, right?

11/16

I saw a girl post a no make-up picture with a caption imploring all other girls to be comfortable with themselves and to love their natural beauty. It was a great sentiment but she edited the photo with a filter and I'm not a good enough person to just ignore how ridiculous that is.

11/17

I like when girls who have previously turned me down get into relationships because it gives me a chance to see all the guys that are better than me

11/18

I made some bacon for breakfast this morning. It may increase my chance of colon cancer by 18%, but it also increases my chances of enjoying breakfast by 100% so it's really just a numbers game.

11/19

I've been reading through a lot of people's comments in the debate about accepting or refusing Syrian refugees. There was one guy's comment that really stuck out to me because he pointed out that "terrorists will train 6 year-olds to blow us up."

It really helped reaffirm my deep mistrust of 6 year-olds.

11/20

One thing I think a lot of people don't know about me is that I went to nerd camp when I was younger. But, I was the dumb kid there.

11/20

Look at me. I'm a narcissist.

11/20/2014

There are 2 groups of fleet managers at work, each with an operations manager overseeing them. I've spent all day using this set-up to try to recreate West Side Story in the office.

Because "once you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way."

11/20

To be honest, I can't tell the difference between Chipotle & Qdoba and I'm kinda worried that might be racist.

11/21/2014

I think the world would be a much better place if we solved more of our problems with dance-offs.

11/21

I had a dream that I got broken up with the other night. I handled it much better than I've ever handled a real break up. Still a little hurtful that my subconscious is trying to dump me, though.

11/22/2012

Life is about your decisions. You can either make good decisions, or fun ones.

11/23/2014

I got into the holiday spirit and made this today.

11/23/2013

‪#‎Facebook ‪#‎status #‎update ‪#‎annoying ‪#‎hashtag ‪#‎hashbrowns ‪#‎breakfast‪ #‎greeneggsandhashtags ‪#‎DrSeuss ‪#‎onefishtwofishredfishbluefish ‪#‎trendy ‪#‎yolo‪ #‎hashswag

11/23

I'm not saying that I want a girlfriend, but I would like to stop eating alone at restaurants.

11/24/2014

I told my sister that I needed a new pair of Chucks for Christmas. She texted me back "What size chicks do you want?"

Not sure if she was the victim of autocorrect or if my family is planning an extremely awkward Christmas.

11/24

I miss the days when calling something "radical" was a compliment instead of a derogatory term.

Like this guy here. He is totally radical.

 

11/25/2012

I may not be the perfect guy, but I'm definitely a guy. And that's 50% right there.

11/25

I was feeling pretty good today so I decided to have Taco Bell for lunch. It should put a stop to that real quick.

11/25

Everybody at the bar keeps complaining about how hot it is in here. They should know that I can't help it.

11/25

I have like a 6th sense for telling when women aren't interested in me. It goes off all the time.

11/26

When you're trying to enjoy Thanksgiving but nobody likes you.

11/26

I'm really glad that I didn't meet any women and get their numbers last night because I broke my phone and that would've made me considerably more disappointed about it. ‪#‎Thankful

11/26

I saw a lot of people out on the road today with their faces buried in their phones while driving and I really think there are a lot easier ways to get out of spending the day with your family than dying in a car accident.

11/27/2012

If I were any dumber, I'd probably drown in the shower.

11/27

Sometimes all you can do is sit in your living room listening to Hootie and the Blowfish.

11/28

What I really want for Christmas is for somebody to pay my bills for a couple of months.

11/28/2013

I had a lot of fun out at the bar last night. Except for the part when I was broken up with. It was a little weird because I haven't been dating anyone, I had no idea who the girl was, and she kept calling me Jeff. But I'm still kinda upset that we couldn't work things out.

11/28

Me: "I'm gonna drink some beer. Like a real American."
Kyle: "Real American hero?"
Me: "I wouldn't call myself a hero. More like a real American shit-for-brains."

11/29/2012

Why do guys like beer? Beer never says "Not tonight, I've got a headache." Beer never tells you you're wrong. Beer never turns you down. In fact, when you ask beer if it wants to hang out it says "Hell yeah! I'll bring 29 of my friends."

11/29/2014

I just won $40 from this machine.

11/29

I'm a big fan of soft rejections. You know, where a woman doesn't outright say she's not interested but instead gently insinuates that you're the worst person she's ever met.

11/30

I just want to give everyone a friendly reminder that today is that last day of this year that you can appropriately listen to "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses. ‪#‎ImportantThings

11/30/2012

I find that the easiest way to be happy is to be completely oblivious to everything that's going on.

11/30

This phone just auto-corrected "Hootie and the Blowfish" to "Booties and the Brownish."
And no, I don't feel bad that I'm making another status about Hootie and the Blowfish.

11/30

I like to always have a few friends who are assholes so that if I ever start feeling too good about myself they can tell me how much I suck.

                I’ve got a few ideas in my head for some posts coming up and as long as my social calendar remains desperately open, I should get those things written and posted soon.  Keep an eye out.

-Ryan

#Knuckles' Greatest Hits Vol. 2

                It’s probably long overdue, since Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 1 was all the way back in June, but I think it’s finally time to get everyone caught up on the continuing saga of my roommate, Knuckles.  So, here is another compilation of his shenanigans that were not quite enough to have their own individual posts. 

-Knuckles gets very opinionated and talkative about politics sometimes.  Especially when it gets close to election time.  One election in particular, he came back from voting before I had a chance to go and was regaling me with all of his stances.  So after I voted I told him that since I knew how he voted on everything, I voted the opposite to cancel out his votes.  He was not happy about this.   This was like 2 years ago. He still occasionally asks me, “You didn’t really cancel out all my votes that time, did you?”

-While barhopping one night, I arranged to meet Knuckles and some other friends at a particular bar.  I called Knuckles (who was drunk) and told him to instruct the person driving to park in parking lot next to Jimmy John’s.   5 minutes later, when the driver pulled up, despite the fact that Knuckles was the one who directed everyone there he started shouting, “Why are we at Jimmy John’s?  Are we getting sandwiches?”

-Knuckles is late for work a lot.  But instead of rushing around the house to get ready and run out the door like a normal person, he has a habit of calmly walking out to the living room where I am (because I go to work after him but am up and ready before him) and then explains to me what his excuse is for being late.  I don’t work with him and I don’t really care why he’s late.

-Knuckles set a new record for drunkenness since Volume 1.  My last party started at 8 pm.  Knuckles was drunk by 7:45.  That’s not a typo.

-After a night of drinking, Knuckles, myself and some of our friends often like to walk to the gas station down the road to get nachos.  One night in particular, Knuckles fell behind the rest of the group walking back.  When he finally got back to the apartment, he began banging on the door and shouting at us because he couldn’t open the (unlocked) door.  After we let him in, all he said was “My hands are full of cheese.”  When I went outside the next day there were cheesy hand-prints all over the door.

Artist’s Recreation

-Knuckles’ favorite beer is Bud Select and, as previously mentioned, he gets drunk pretty quickly from it and often blacks out.  He also likes Blue Moon.  Against all odds he gets drunk and blacks out even quicker from Blue Moon.  My other roommate and I refer to this as Knuckles “being on the moon.”  Nobody likes when Knuckles is on the moon. 

-Knuckles hates bugs.  He is also scared of the possibility of roaches being in the house (which is strange, because he always has dirty dishes an leftover food in his room).  He also seems to think every bug he sees is a roach (sorry, Knuckles, that is a waterbug/ladybug/cricket/housefly/etc).  One time I went out of town for the weekend and when I came back on Sunday, Knuckles informed me that he had seen and killed a roach in the bathroom on Friday.  He told me he wanted to show it to me so I could see what kind of bug it was, then showed me the piece of toilet paper still on the bathroom floor that he had used to smash the bug.  He left it on the floor all weekend just to show it to me.  I picked up the tp and showed him that there was no bug in it.  He left a piece of toilet paper on the floor all weekend to show me a bug that he didn’t even kill.  He still maintains that he killed the bug and has no idea how it could have disappeared from beneath the toilet paper.

-We have a 3 door medicine cabinet in our bathroom.  Knuckles always tilts the two outer doors inward when he is doing his hair.  He then leaves the doors tilted open (forever) because “it makes the condensation on the mirror dry faster.”  I do not know the science behind this.

-One morning myself and the other roommate, Kyle, both had to go to work, but found the bathroom door locked at 6 am.  After several minutes of banging on the door to no avail, I went outside and looked through the bathroom window to see Knuckles pantless and passed out on the floor curled up with the bath mat.  I had to climb through the bathroom window and wake Knuckles up.  Still drunk from the previous night, he proceeded to argue with me that he wasn’t drunk and that he wasn’t passed out. 

-Knuckles has a tendency to drink milk, then leave the dirty glass in his room for a while until the bottom of the glass is crusted with dry milk.  He then puts water in the glass and leaves it sit on the counter for usually about a week until I finally get pissed off and put it in the dishwasher.  Every time I yell at him about this he contends that “Its gotta soak to get out the crusties.”

-Knuckles really likes wearing orange shirts.   This might not be that weird, but I think he has more orange shirts than the average person.

-When we all moved in to the apartment, Knuckles brought a lockbox with him and put it in his closet.  To date, nobody knows what Knuckles keeps in the lockbox but the leading theory is that it contains a copy of Lethal Weapon 2.  Knuckles loves Lethal Weapon 2.

-As previously mentioned, Knuckles is late for work a lot.  He has told me that I'm the reason he's always late. Apparently, I get out of the bathroom too late and he cannot possibly get ready for work in an hour. I suggested that maybe he shouldn't take a 45 minute shower but he quickly shot that idea down with, "No, I like long showers."  During this conversation he also told me that sometimes he gets in the shower even later because he falls back asleep while he's waiting for his turn in the bathroom.and that this is also my fault.

-Knuckles loves hot wings.  But one night he decided that he didn’t want to eat them at one of our local bars anymore because “there’s something wrong with them; they make him too full.”  Knuckles apparently thinks there is something wrong with food making him feel full.

-Knuckles once drunkenly yelled at me because I didn’t want a cheeseburger.  Not that I was stopping him from getting one, but because I didn’t want one too.

                I can’t imagine that I won’t have more stories to tell, so I’ll keep compiling Knuckles anecdotes (Knuckledotes?) and release them in the future with Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 3!

-Ryan

October Joke Round-Up

                It’s time for yet another monthly joke round up.  Looking back on this month, I had this Blues home opener on the 8^th, which clearly inspired me to make far too many jokes that day, I had a night out at a bar on the 16^th, which led to a lot of alcohol induced jokes and I made a few jokes on news stories and current events this month, which makes me topical and relevant.   Enjoy!

10/1/2011

"I'm a slow learner, but when I learn it I learn it fast." – #Knuckles

10/1

So, Clinton County comes in at No. 10 on this list with 23% of residents reporting excessive drinking. I think that makes this list inaccurate because, from my experience, Clinton County residents have a much different definition of what they believe constitutes "excessive drinking."

http://www.onlyinyourstate.com/illinois/drunkest-counties-il/

10/1/2014

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. So, if you know someone who is a bully, punch them in the face. A bloody nose tends to be a great deterrent.

10/1

We got some new mattresses in at work and I'm using my time today to test them out so I can better describe them to customers. It may look like I'm napping but I'm actually working quite hard.

10/1

Rachel: "You collect a lot of people as friends."
Me: "People are drawn to me."
Anthony: "And/or desperate."
Me: "I'll take desperate."

10/2

A recent study suggests that pornography users think more highly of women and hold more egalitarian views. I'm looking forward to when this starts coming up in conversation: "I'm not gonna tell you that I've long been a supporter of women's equality; I think you should check my internet browser history and decide for yourself."

https://www.researchgate.net/blog/post/porn-watchers-think-more-highly-of-women

10/2

Just saw a guy walk up to another guy who was at a urinal and pass the pisser $30 over his shoulder mid pee. I don't know what's happening in this bathroom but I am suddenly very uncomfortable.

10/3

Think about how weird dick pics were back in the day. You had to take the photos, wait for the film from your disposable camera to be developed, then mail them out to women (or presumably hand them to women on the street). Life is so much easier now. ‪#‎DontSendDickPics

10/3

Sometimes I have body image issues but then I remember that I'm cute as hell.

10/3

I just photo-bombed this same couple 6 times. At this point I don't know if they're oblivious to my presence or if they just really want a picture with me but are too shy to ask.

10/4

Sometimes I see a girl walking down the street and think to myself "Damn, she is beautiful," but then I treat her with the same respect that any other human being deserves and don't say stupid, derogatory shit to her while she's just trying to go about her day unharassed.

10/4

Just stuck a temporary tattoo on my arm. It's a spider. Feeling pretty badass right now.

10/5

It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I have to be honest and confess to everyone: I do not have strong selfie game.

10/6

I saw an article online today titled "12 Signs You May Have an Anxiety Disorder." I didn't read the article because I got really worried that it might insinuate that I have an anxiety disorder.

10/7/2014

I think it's important not to be blatantly obvious about being attracted to someone as it can be off-putting if you're too forward. That's why when I'm interested in someone I make it a point not to talk to them.

10/7

‪#‎Knuckles: "I've been drinking for 25 years."
Me: "You were drinking when you were 7?"
#Knuckles: "Shit. I mean 15. I rounded wrong."

10/8

"Hey girl, why settle for only being let down by the playoffs? You can be disappointed by me all year round." ‪#‎PickUpPutDowns ‪#‎LGB

10/8

"Hey girl, sorry if I'm coming on too strong or if I seem desperate, but you're cute and the Blues don't have any Cups so I'm awful thirsty."‪#‎PickUpPutDowns ‪#‎LGB

10/8

"Hey girl, what's the difference between the Blues and me? The Blues will probably score tonight." ‪#‎PickUpPutDowns ‪#‎LGB

10/8

Kyle: "In 7 minutes I'm getting a hot dog."
Me: "Well I'm drinking. Like a fucking American."

10/8

I see a guy here wearing an Edmonton Oilers jersey and a fanny pack. Canadians are ridiculous.

10/8

The mini fridge in our suite put up a valiant fight, but in the end we were victorious and finished every beer in there.

10/8

‪#‎Knuckles is my designated driver tonight. My life has fallen into complete disarray.

10/9

I heard that women find a sense of humor attractive. Which means that I'm either not as funny as I think I am, or that I have no other redeeming qualities.

10/9

I saw a picture of a traffic jam on a 50 lane road in China. I get nervous when I have to cross 2 lanes of traffic to reach my exit. Pretty sure I'd have a panic attack if I had to cross 48 lanes.

10/11/2014

Currently using this open bar to get club soda and treat the stain I just made on my shirt.

10/11

I'm not saying that I'm proud of the things that I do, but I'm not as embarrassed as I probably should be.

10/12

I saw a girl who had her kid on one of those child leashes and it seemed like a great idea. But I'd take it a step further and get one of those retractable leashes from PetsMart. While I was there I'd also pick up one of those tie-down stakes so I could let my kid play out in the yard.

10/12

My neighbors are using a 2 liter bottle of Shasta Cola as a door stop. This neighborhood has really gone downhill; the old neighbors used Pepsi.

10/13

I'm looking forward to when baseball is over and my news feed can get back to pictures of food, gym selfies, people breaking up & getting back together with their SO countless times, photos claiming "1 like = 1 prayer", people tagging themselves at home and wishing all of Facebook goodnight like they're writing in their diary, and all the other things that I also do not care about.

10/13

Daniel: "My brother is a big Chiefs fan, but I don't really follow hockey."
Me: "Well, good news for you; the Chiefs play football."
Daniel: "Shit..."

10/13

I asked ‪#‎Knuckles to turn off the CO2 valve on the kegerator. Confused, he asked me which way to turn it, so I told him "Righty tighty, lefty loosey." I then watched as he turned the CO2 on full blast because he apparently doesn't know right from left.

10/14/2014

In honor of Columbus Day, I crossed the river into Missouri today, declared everyone there an Illinoisan and gave several of them smallpox.

10/14

My friends are artistic. It is also likely that they hold a lot of (not-so-hidden) contempt for me.

10/15

Business Insider made a list of "Things Men Should Never Wear." One of the items on that list is Cargo Pants. I think they're just jealous of all the cool stuff I can carry in my cargo pockets. Yeah, dress slacks look nice but I can fit a whole 6-pack of beers in my pants. That seems like exactly the kind of thing a grown man needs to be wearing.

http://www.businessinsider.com/16-things-every-grown-man-should-purge-from-his-closet-2015-10

10/15

I don't have any ladies to text so I'm texting dudes about ladies

10/16/2014

So, I'm going to dress as Freddie Mercury for Halloween. I need to convince‪#‎Knuckles to dress as David Bowie so we can show up random places and sing "Under Pressure."

10/16

I don't care how gorgeous a woman is or how great her personality is, if she wears cowboy boots, I'm out. ‪#‎DealBreaker

10/16

Me: "I was digging the blonde one but I was clearly digging her more than she was digging me. It's a problem I'm very familiar with."
Joel: "I know what you mean."
Me: "Fuck you, you're too handsome to know what I mean."

10/16

They're playing "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk" here. There is no good reason that ‪#‎Knuckles isn't out there dancing right now.

10/16

I drink liquor instead of beer because I'm trying to be healthy.

10/16

‪#‎Knuckles is playing Farmville at the bar.

10/16

I don't care where I'm at, I will do the Electric Slide because I am a huge fan of electricity.

10/17/2014

I found out that #Knuckles gets in the shower and then turns on the water instead of turning on the water and then getting in after it is warm. Clearly, he is a terrorist.

10/18/2013

When people talk about how much they love fall I interpret it as "I like when everything is cold and dead."

10/18

When Hollywood finally gets around to making a movie about my life, I think‪#‎Knuckles should be played by Gary Busey.

10/18/2014

I think the most dangerous place for a zombie apocalypse to start would be a haunted house/theme park. You wouldn't know if they were real zombies or if the workers were just really committed to their roles

10/19

Whenever I go on a dinner date, I make it a point to order something on the menu that's on the more expensive side because I know the girl is using the price of my meal as a guideline to pick hers. So even though I really want that $6.99 burger, I order diamond-crusted albino lobster just to subtly let her know that she can order whatever she wants. Because I'm a gentleman. A big, dumb gentleman.

10/19/2013

I will never cheat in a relationship. The thought of me attracting not one, but two women is absolutely preposterous.

10/20

I'm miserably full right now but I just got asked if I would like more free prime rib. That's like asking if I'd like more blowjobs. The answer is always a resounding (possibly sleepy) "YES!"

10/21

I think it would be fun to get a group of friends together for one of those souvenir old time photos and while everyone else poses in their antique clothes, I stand in the background of the photograph wearing my Marty McFly costume and looking confused.

10/21/2014

I just ate a piece of bread slathered with garlic butter. It was basically just a conscious acceptance of the fact that nobody will be looking to kiss me today.

10/21

In case anyone thought I was joking yesterday when I said I'd be dressed as Marty McFly all day. I'm a man of my word. ‪#‎GreatScott

10/21

I've spent a good portion of my day out running errands and not a single person has said anything about my outfit. This means that either people have recognized that I'm dressed as Marty McFly but are too embarrassed for me to say anything, or they don't recognize the outfit and just think I'm a guy who doesn't know how to dress himself.

10/22

I think everyone has had that moment where a friend feels compelled to let you know what your ex is up to and the only sensible response is, "Thanks for the update dude; while we're on the subject of shit I don't wanna talk about, I've got some traumatic childhood experiences you could bring up, too."

10/22/2013

At the haunted houses last night you could tell even under all the gory makeup that some of the girls working there were pretty cute. Naturally, I hit on one of them. Sure, she may have been snarling and chasing me with a chainsaw, but at least I know she's crazy from the start instead of finding out 6 months into the relationship.

10/23

I have 19 voicemails in my phone. I really want to clear out the notifications but am overly anxious about the time I need to invest to go through them all. So I just keep letting them pile up as I grow more distressed about it. I create my own problems.

10/23/2013

One of my roommates left me a 12 pack of ramen. I was excited about it at first. Then I was depressed because being excited over free ramen is like a whole new level of poverty.

10/24/2014

There's some girl at this bar dancing around in running shorts, a sports bra and an unzipped jacket. I can't help but think that she was out for a jog when she heard the music and just couldn't resist the urge to get down.

10/24

Despite the fact that I moved into my apartment over 5 years ago, the previous tenants have apparently still not bothered change their address. On the bright side, I am enjoying their subscription to Us Weekly.

10/24

I think the biggest reason that I haven't been the best man at a wedding is because people are afraid of the toast I'd give.

10/25

It's so rare that I have the opportunity to put someone's number in my phone that I forget how to update my contacts when it actually happens.

10/25/2009

I’m really good at doing things that don't matter.

10/25

Sometimes, when you're an awkward person, you make the mistake of telling a blind person, "See ya around!"

10/25

This is what my life has come to.

10/26/2013

When I was in high school I took a class called "Keyboarding." I thought I was going to learn how to play Europe's "The Final Countdown." Turns out the class was about learning to type faster. Huge letdown.

10/26

There's always so many fad diets going around, I think a lot of people forget that the easiest way to lose weight is poverty.

10/26

I had a customer bring me cookies today. Not sure if this means that they thought I was doing a good job or if they just thought I looked fat and hungry. Either way, I'm pretty stoked about it.

10/27

So, now processed meats (such as ham, bacon, sausage & hot dogs) "definitely" cause cancer and red meats (like beef, pork & lamb) "probably" cause cancer. Oh well, this is me not caring in the least as I work my way towards my delicious, delicious cancer.

http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2015/10/26/451211964/bad-day-for-bacon-processed-red-meats-cause-cancer-says-who

10/27

Thought maybe the closed ticket booth was part of the experience...turns out it was just closed.

10/27

*watching Children of the Corn*

Me: "You know what this place needs more of?"
Michael: "Corn?"
Me: "Yup."

10/28

Got this sweet hat.

10/28

Hot dogs and bacon cause cancer? Challenge accepted.

10/28

Was driving down the highway and attempting to change lanes. Checked all around to make sure it was clear, then managed to see my own car's shadow out of the corner of my eye as I was merging. Nearly ruined the upholstery in my car. I was literally scared by a shadow. Because I'm lame.

10/28

Continuing my deliciously self-destructive path towards cancer with a steak burrito. ‪#‎NoFear

10/29/2012

When I was younger, I knew that I wanted to be awesome when I grew up. Now I'm awesome, but still haven't grown up.

10/30/15

It's important to have discipline and goals in life. So, I set some parameters for myself. 
If I sell something today, I'm having rice for dinner.
If I don't sell anything today, I don't get dinner.
If I sell a lot today, I get to put butter in my rice.

10/30

I feel like it's worth sharing that this morning I got up early, got showered and ready for work, then took a 30 minute nap before leaving the house. And I managed to rationalize to myself that this was a better idea than just staying in bed longer to begin with. Nothing I do even makes sense any more.

10/30/2014

I read an article that said women are more attracted to guys with beards. And I think that's true because since I grew mine I've noticed an exponential increase in the number of women who are interested in me. Of course, an exponential increase in zero is still zero, but the math and logic are sound.

10/30

My work project today was to direct and film a short video of one co-worker killing another. I'm a professional.

10/30

Somebody told me that I'm "like basically the perfect guy." 
I told her, "I'm not perfect. I have poor eyesight."

10/31

If you need a scary last minute Halloween costume go as President Trump. All you have to do is wear a suit, have terrible hair and say ignorant shit all night.

Stay tuned for more fun things this month, including the fabled Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 2!

-Ryan