February 2017 Joke Round Up

Hey, why bother writing a fluffy intro to this?  Maybe I’ll use that energy to go towards an article?  Here’s some jokes.

2/5

I just ate an entire shrimp ring. Not because it was a Super Bowl snack, but because I felt like having 35 shrimp for breakfast.

2/7

I'm just sitting here wondering why the media is refusing to report on all the grizzly bear attacks on our schools.

2/9

Apparently today is both National Pizza Day and National Bagel Day. Coincidence or marketing scheme?

2/10

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I think the Bowling Green Massacre was an inside job.

2/11

Saw some random guy with a guitar and a small crowd of people around him sitting on the sidewalk at the town square. I have to assume he was playing "Wonderwall."

2/15

For Valentine's Day I'm taking my girlfriend up to Detroit to watch the Blues play the Red Wings. Also, we're taking her car and she's driving. Who says romance is dead? #ItsSoColdInTheD

2/17

I would like to know how much taxpayer money is being dedicated to re-painting or wallpapering the White House walls every time Donald Trump draws on them with crayon.

2/17

I know my girlfriend is right for me because she lets me sing both the male and female parts of every song on the radio without judgement.

2/18

Not sure what kind of furniture uses these parts...

2/19

I have had an absurd amount of friend requests on my personal account from spam bots in the past few weeks. I'm not saying that this is proof that Skynet is active, but I'm not saying it isn't.

2/19

There's a truck that keeps circling my block and accelerating hard off the stop sign so they can show off how loud their exhaust pipes are. Based on the price of gas and the low MPGs of the vehicle, I believe it would be more cost effective to just pay for a billboard announcing how small his penis is.

2/20

Found the table they used at the Last Supper.

2/21

According to the FCC, "Obscene content does not have protection by the First Amendment. For content to be ruled obscene, it must meet a three-pronged test established by the Supreme Court: It must appeal to an average person's prurient interest; depict or describe sexual conduct in a "patently offensive" way; and, taken as a whole, lack serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value."

So, with that being said, I'm not sure why they allow Rush Limbaugh to regularly fellate Donald Trump on-air.

2/21

My girlfriend got a fish tank. I figured that I'd help her get started.

2/22

My girlfriend gave me a key to her house and my response was to tell her that I would use it to poop in her bathroom when she's not home. Is this how adult relationships work?

2/23

2/24

Has anyone considered that Trump's plan to crackdown on immigration might just be to fuck shit up enough that nobody even wants to come to America anymore?

2/24

I assume this is so you can season your dinner from the inside out.

2/27

One thing I have learned from my relationship is that I apparently fart in my sleep a lot more than I had previously assumed. I have also learned that not everyone thinks it's as hilarious as I do.

2/28

When you just let loose with a tirade of curse words and blasphemy.

I’m halfway through an article about why I refuse to sit around my house naked.  And I’m considering finally releasing “Jokes That Weren’t” for my 100^th post.  So keep your fingers crossed that I actually do something.

-Ryan

January 2017 Joke Round Up

                The first month of 2017 is in the books and it sucked.  The Blues played so terribly that the only way I could console myself was to eat a second-hand hot dog, I accidentally told an entire bar about my sweaty butt, we have a bright orange Commander in Tweet running the country, and I found out my girlfriend has terrible taste in music.  On the bright side, I managed to actually write an article that wasn’t just a list of jokes, even if it was short and unsatisfying (that’s what she said). So, here’s the jokes.

1/1

Realistically, I handle most of my problems exactly like Mariah Carey did last night: I wander around not knowing what the hell to do and repeating mostly innocuous statements just hoping someone notices the annoyance in my voice.

1/2

Saw a local St. Louis news team interviewing some Blackhawks fans before the Winter Classic game today. I think that's just further proof that the news thrives on creating controversy.

1/8

I thought my girlfriend might be the one, but she just told me she likes Disturbed's cover of "Sound of Silence" more than Simon & Garfunkel's so now we're fighting.

1/9

I like when people complain about celebrities publicly endorsing causes and speaking their minds but can't see the irony of it when they're posting their own opinions on Facebook.

"They need to keep their opinions to themselves!" - dipshits on the Internet who can't keep their opinions to themselves.

1/12

I changed the cabin air filter in my car yesterday. My girlfriend told me I should change it more frequently "because it's probably clogged with farts."

She's not wrong, but sometimes words hurt, too.

1/12

I think that if you're freaking out over icy weather before anything even happens then you're basically letting the terrorists win.

1/19

Obama is gonna have a busy afternoon because he's still supposed to take away all the guns before he leaves office.

1/19

About to steal one of these hot dogs from under the seat in front of me at the hockey game....

1/19

Success! #TheGreatHotDogCaper

1/19

It's amazing all the extra little details of the game that you can see when sitting this close. For example, I noticed the glass fogging up from the steaming dump the Blues took on the ice.

1/19

I saw a guy in the bathroom at Scottrade snapping a photo of an ad for a divorce lawyer. So, someone is having a worse night than the Blues.

1/20

Woke up this morning without any guns. Pretty sneaky, Obama.

1/21

This past week, the Blues had 2 different promotional nights: their annual Star Wars Night and their first ever Pride Night. As you could probably have foresaw, there was some backlash to Pride Night from exactly the types of people you'd expect it from. Me, being the shit-starter that I am, took some quotes from people angry at Pride Night and made slight alterations to apply those same objections to Star Wars Night and then posted it in a Blues fan group that I'm in. Because I felt that to be the most appropriate way to combat intolerance.

1/24

I'm eating ice cream and garlic bread. There's some slight concern that I may be pregnant. And I'm even more worried about Republicans trying to shut down Planned Parenthood now.

1/27

Sat under an archway at this bar, which created an echo allowing me to eavesdrop on multiple conversations happening around the bar. Failed to take into account that the effect worked both ways so a good chunk of the bar got to listen in on me talking about sweaty butts.

1/31

Just trying to be a good boy.

Also, I don't actually have any stitches.

                Historically, February has always been a shitty month since basically the beginning of time, so I’m glad it’s short.  Let’s just all try to stay alive these next 28 days.

-Ryan

Foreign Policy

                It’s been a while since I’ve written anything.  That’s my bad.  Realistically, I look at my list of stories that I still need to write and then I decide that Netflix seems like a better option because words are hard and the couch is soft.  I have, however, been pretty vocal politically lately (as you may have seen from some of my jokes) so I thought I might get in a quick story that’s in that vein.

                Have you ever had a buddy that is very motivated to talk about politics, but at the same time seemingly uninclined to actually know much about politics?  Here’s a story about one of those situations from many years ago (somewhere in the neighborhood of 8) about my buddy LP (from Fridge Cleaning) and another friend of ours that we’ll call Bud to protect his identity.  The 3 of us were hanging out one night having a few beers when a political conversation started up (as it tends to happen when people are enjoying alcoholic beverages).    I honestly can’t remember how the conversation started, but that’s not really the important part, so I’ll pick up with where I tuned in at.

Bud: “Well fuck ‘em.  We’re America, the most powerful country in the world.  Anyone that doesn’t like it can get bombed to hell.”

LP: “But what about Latveria?”

Bud: “Latveria?”

LP: “Yeah, Latveria.  We can’t bomb them.  They’ve got satellites that can shoot missiles right out of the sky with laser beams.  Only 2 countries on earth have that technology.  Us and Latveria.”

Bud: “Well that definitely makes them dangerous.”

LP: “They actually shared the technology with us.  Dr. Doom created the laser satellites and we entered a treaty with them to share the technology.  They’re one of our strongest allies now.”

Bud: “Well, obviously we’re not going to break that treaty and go after a great ally like Latveria.”

LP: “Obviously.”

                I will say, I don’t have a great poker face (which is why I can neither play poker, nor act like I’m not the one who farted), but this is really the only time in my life that I can remember not just losing my mind and cluing the victim in on the joke.  We never alerted Bud to the fact that he was duped into honoring a treaty with an entirely fictional country, but I ran into LP a few weeks ago and almost right away he leaned in and said under his breath to me, “But what about Latveria?”

A true diplomat

-Ryan