Thursday, October 1, 2020

September 2020 Joke Round-Up

 So that was a month, huh?  We’re smack in the middle of a double whammy of shittiness right now: it’s fall and it’s election season.  I have been trying to soak up as much warm weather as I can before the temperature drops and I have to spend countless hours cleaning up from the 5 stupid sweet gum trees in the yard.  But going outside also means I see all the political signs in peoples’ yard and am unfortunately reminded of how depressingly stupid some people are.  Those politics and that level of stupid were highlighted in some of my jokes this month, though I did sprinkle in me just trying to have some workplace fun with a remote workplace.  Check out the jokes. 

 

9/2 

I decided to start using one of those nifty backgrounds on my video calls at work. #WeGotCows 

 

9/3 

Dwayne Johnson announced that he and his family have COVID. Depending on what symptoms they're experiencing, it is possible that the entire family cannot smell what The Rock is cooking. 

 

9/6 

They gave up the dream. 

 

9/13 

One perk of wearing masks that I haven't seen anyone mention is that as we move into the colder months of the year non-bearded people will finally get the same kind of wind chill protection on their faces that bearded folks have been enjoying all along. 

 

9/16 

I've got a new virtual background for web meetings. I'm just trying to find where the Ninja Turtles live. 

 

9/22 

This reboot of Whose Line isn't even funny, though. 

 

9/24 

I've had a lot of stiffness in one of my shoulders lately so in order to stretch it out I've just been repeatedly doing the choreography from Greased Lightnin'. 

 

9/26 

Honestly, it's kind of impressive when people go on political tirades and despite paragraphs of text don't even manage to accidentally say anything correct or factual. I would think you'd have to try to be that wrong all the time. 

 

9/28 

I had some racist dude in my town threaten to fight me on FB. I'm not going to entertain him on that because that's just dumb as hell, but I don't really understand what there is to accomplish here. There's only 2 possible outcomes from fighting someone over the internet here. 

1. I lose the fight. He's still a racist asshole who fights people over the internet. 

2. I win the fight. He's still a racist asshole who fights people over the internet and proves that he is just as bad at that as he is at making an intelligible point. 

9/29 

In regards to my last post about the guy who wanted to fight me over a FB comment, I present reason # 8,520,672 why I love my wife: her response to this whole thing was, "I'm not scared of that guy doing anything to us, I just don't want the kids to have to see you beat the shit out of someone in the driveway if he shows up at our house." 

#RideOrDie 

 

9/30 

After that presidential debate last night, I figured I'd just hang out on the moon instead. 

 

 

If I can make some predictions for October, I definitely will not have had to fight anyone, I probably will change my virtual background for work meetings several more times, and I may have lost all hope for humanity.  Stay tuned. 

 

-Ryan 

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

August 2020 Joke Round-Up

 Well damn, August is over and that means we’re creeping ever closer to the worst time of the year where everything is cold and stupid with limited hours of sunlight and too many things are flavored with pumpkin spice.  What happened this past month?  Well, I got a little political.  I put some perspective onto the fact that my jokes will never make me any money (guess I better find a side hustle that actually pays).  I also got way too excited about my new fitness tracking watch & app.  And I got to indulge in some wings while also taking a hardline stance on what does and does not qualify as a wing. 

 

8/6 

My stress level this morning while working with the kids on the intro to 3rd grade workbooks we got them vs. my average stress level gives a fantastic visual of representation of why teachers deserve respect. 


 

 

8/7 

Honestly, there are some days I wish those of us with more than 2 brain cells would have kept quiet when Trump suggested injecting yourself with bleach to fight coronavirus and just let nature take its course on the population. 

 

8/8 

I know some content creators use things like Patreon or OnlyFans to earn a little bit of income off their work, but I can't get people to even read my jokes for free. 

 

8/8 

I ate a whole mess of wings for dinner last night. My sleep tracker shows exactly when the consequences of my actions caught up to me. 


 

 

 8/13  

I went hard at dinner last night... 


 

 

8/15 

Decided to have a few drinks tonight but wanted to make sure I logged them in my food tracking app that I use with my fitness watch. These Busch Lights are my evening snack. 


 

 

8/16 

Every time I tell my wife she's beautiful she responds by making a face like she just took a big spoonful of Vitameatavegamin. 


 

 

8/17 

I'll have to eat one for science and report back on the flavor. 


 


8/23 

Fact: nobody gets more offended about everything than the people who are constantly whining about how offended people get over everything. 

 

8/26 

Part of personal growth is learning to be honest with yourself. To that end, I think a lot of people out there need to admit that boneless wings are just chicken nuggets. 

 

8/28 

Honestly, my number 1 goal as a parent is to have my kids grow up unfunny because they didn't have sufficient emotional trauma to necessitate developing a sense of humor as a coping mechanism. 

 

8/29 

I don't know who needs to hear this, but the cashier at the grocery store (or any retail/service employee) does not give a fuck about your political opinion. They're literally just being polite until you go away so they can keep collecting a paycheck. 

 

8/30 
I love how overly optimistic my fitness watch is. It'll give me a notification that says, "you've been inactive for 3 hours" as I lay around on the couch but as soon as I take 20 steps to go to the bathroom it pops up with, "great work, you're back on track!" 

 

Very shortly here the bulk of my life will be spent in my yard cleaning up after those 5 fucking sweet gum trees I mentioned in a previous post.  Depending on how that goes, I might just collapse into a yard waste bag and call it good.  We’ll see. 

 

Ryan