Wednesday, January 1, 2020

December 2019 Joke Round-Up

     I usually compile these joke round ups the night before I post them. Thankfully, despite the fact that I’ve settled down into a super mature family man, I’m still not lame enough to spend New Year’s Eve writing a blog post. However, I am quite sleepy this morning and have a headache so I hope the 3 people reading this will forgive any typos or errors they find. December brought about the 6 month mark of me annoying the hell out of my wife, nearly eating dog treats and learning the secret to iced coffee. So, here are some jokes.

A gym in my town is encouraging people to buy gym memberships to give out to others as gifts. I'm pretty sure if somebody gave me an unsolicited gym membership for Christmas I would punch them right in the mouth and then eat an entire ham while standing over their prone body.

My son really enjoys getting to hang out with the grown ups because it makes him feel like a big kid, so he’s started asking if some of my friends can come over and play Xbox. You better believe that I’m taking full advantage of this to hang out with my friends and do some gaming.

“Sorry babe, I’ll just have to do the yard work another time. Henry wants me to play video games with my friends and I’ll be damned if I’m going to disappoint the boy.”

My wife's family has a Rob Your Neighbor gift exchange at their annual holiday gathering. This year the gift I brought to it was a coloring book, crayons and a 6-pack of beer; the idea being that you chug the beers and then try to keep your coloring inside the lines.

I'm not just giving things, I'm giving experiences.

Today at work I got in trouble for doing arithmetic.

There's no punchline to this. Apparently the real joke is my continued existence.

As a recently married man, one of my new favorite games to play around the holidays is "Don't Get The Mail Today Because One Of Your Gifts Is Being Delivered." Followed closely by, "Don't Tell The Kids What I Got For Mom Because They're Snitches."

The battery on my Illumibowl is getting low, which is indicated by LED light flashing quickly several times when it first turns on. What this really means is that for the past week when I've gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom it's like I'm peeing in a rave.

Keeping things spicy with the wife.

Tomorrow is 6 months since I got married. This is just another day of me annoying my wife.

Modern problems require modern solutions.

My son started throwing shade before the sun was even up today.

At my wife's family Christmas today we played a game called Telestrations After Dark, which is like a risque combination of Pictionary and the schoolyard game Telephone. I ended up having to draw a picture to try to get my mother in law to guess the phrase "double penetration." So...that's how Christmas went.

On today's episode of Facepalming: I watched a bunch of rural midwesterners argue over which one of a handful of nearby small town Mexican restaurants with identical menus was "most authentic."

Bonus: one person claimed to be an expert because they were "from the southwest" and had superior tastebuds. They established dominance in throwing down their opinion on the most authentic... still ignoring the aforementioned identical menus.

I hope later I can watch them argue over which Olive Garden has the most authentic Italian food.

All I'm saying is that they need to label these packages more clearly.

Honestly, I'm just really mad that there needs to be instructions to explain to people that the secret to iced coffee is combining ice and coffee.

Well, it is a new year, but I don’t plan on a new me because that seems like an awful lot of work and a new me might be even worse at making inappropriate jokes. So, expect the exact same me that you’ve come to know and tolerate.


Sunday, December 1, 2019

November 2019 Joke Round-Up

                Well November is gone.  Looking back on the month, I got an early start on my holiday binge-eating and winter bulking.  Honestly, after this month there should never question it when I put on a little weight; we should all be more surprised that I’m not twice the size and suffering from a heart condition.  It should also be considered that since I did no grooming on my beard this month due to No-Shave November, a lot of these garbage food concoctions I threw together spent a little bit of extra time hanging out in my mustache.  I am truly a disgusting human being.  So, here are some jokes.

I did my yearly full face shave so that I can do No-Shave November and because I like to just periodically get a fresh reset on my facial hair. I gotta say, it is really impressive how much ugly I'm able to hide behind my beard.

I need to finish up leftovers in the fridge and I wanted to be efficient about it.

At one point while out trick or treating last night a car pulled up alongside our group, held an orange bowl out the window and asked us if we wanted any candy. I am well aware that this is the exact scenario that we warn kids about....but I wanted that candy.

A lot of people say that they're bad cooks or can't cook. The real secret to being adept in the kitchen is that you can't be afraid to experiment and break some rules. #FridgeCleanout

I think my biggest gripe with my business administration degree is that college didn't teach me some of the real world strategies I've seen used in the workplace like "nitpick your most productive staff members."

It's possible that we need to look into a dietary change for our daughter if she's pooping herself out of her shoes...

I hate that it gets dark so early. The kids are having some friends over for sleepover and I was surprised that they were still awake and going strong when it's so late. But it's only 7:30...

The Amazon Echo in our house got confused by too many people simultaneously shouting instructions at it. It made a fart noise then sang "And many more!" My life is complete.

This is why I struggle to eat healthy. Eating bastard combinations of unhealthy foods is so much tastier.

Just so we're clear.

Canadian TV personality Jess Allen made some comments about how, in her experience, hockey fans/players are not nice and are bullies.
In response, I've seen hockey fans calling her bitch, cunt, cow, ugly etc.
With reactions like that, I cannot imagine where she would have gotten the idea that hockey fans aren't nice.

To the lady at Walmart who gave me a dirty look when I told my daughter "No shit, Sherlock": Mind ya business.

"We're fast children." – Abby

I'm so dumb that I changed my profile picture on my personal account and then got confused when I saw posts and comments that I knew I had made with a different picture next to them.

Don't wait to see what kind of day you'll have, choose to have the day you want.

Somebody keeps playing country music at work. I can't fathom why anyone would go out of their way to make a work day even more unbearable. I assume they also like to purposely give themselves paper cuts before making hand-squeezed lemonade.

Life Pro Tip: Pie is an acceptable breakfast food as long as it's fruit-based.

I also added some hot sauce to give it the ol' razzle dazzle.

I see a lot of people making posts with pictures showing how much they've changed over the last decade. I didn't want to be left out.

"Nothing hurts dead people."
A very astute, though morbid, epiphany my son had tonight while playing video games with me.

We're putting up the Christmas tree today to a highly festive soundtrack of 90s pop hits. The kids are confused, but I think Aqua's "Barbie Girl" is a great way to set the mood for the holiday season.

My dog is really into this movie.

Overheard this conversation at work:
Coworker 1: "Do you need a nightstand box for anything?"
Coworker 2: "A nice sandbox?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A sandbox?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A nightstand?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A nice sandbox?"
I walked away so I don't know if there was ever any resolution to this.

This morning when I woke up the power was out in the house and the kids, who are always up early playing and making a ruckus, were abnormally quiet. Rather than attributing the power outage to the storm outside, my first thought was, "Shit, what did the kids do?" I suddenly understand so much about what I put my dad through...

                Tomorrow I get to trim up the rat’s nest on my face back into a respectable looking beard.  Then I’ll continue eating like the human garbage disposal that I am.  And maybe I’ll watch a little bit of TV and see my doppelganger urging people to call the Addiction Network.  Or perhaps I'll look for a nice sandbox.


Friday, November 1, 2019

October 2019 Joke Round-Up

                 Some months, when I’m putting together this round up I look at the jokes from the beginning of the month and am amazed that the month is over because I feel like I just wrote those jokes.  This was a long month.  I looked at what I wrote the first few days of this month and thought “Holy shit, that was still this month?”    I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that fall is miserable, torturous bullshit that seems to drag on forever and we’re now in the heart of it.  What?  You thought I wasn’t going to complain about how awful fall is?  Anyways, this month we saw the joyous return of hockey season, I found out that my daughter is way more similar to me than previously imagined, and I created a great motivational tool for my coworkers.  So, here are some jokes.

Hockey Eve is always so exciting. Everyone make sure to leave out beer and pizza for Brett Hull tonight.

My wife was not impressed with my work attire today. But it's Hockey Day and I don't care if it's hot out there was no way that I wasn't gonna wear my Stanley Cup Champions socks.

I'm bummed that the Blues didn't win their first game of the season tonight, but I've heard that it's possible to be in last place on January 3rd and still win The Cup so I think there may still be hope for them this season.

I hate that there's a line dance for Footloose because of that garbage country cover. I hate it. Line dances are a structured set of moves, which is completely against what the song is about. You just gotta feel the music. You gotta cut loose. Footloose.

Last night I had 2 different dreams about eating donuts. Even in my sleep I'm a fat kid.

This might be an indecent photo. I don't really know the pants situation for starfish.

I stayed up late enough to shut down the bars last night, something that I haven't done in a long time. I was in my basement watching Netflix instead of at a bar, but I'm still proud of myself for staying awake.

The kids have a drum set that my wife got for them several years ago (presumably because she hoped to drown out the sound of passing trains). They also have a habit of getting up at an ungodly early hour every day. This morning we had to have a little talk.
Me: "There is no reason for you guys to be up playing drums early in the morning when other people are sleeping. It's really loud."
Henry: "It's okay, I put on headphones so I didn't hurt my ears."

So my daughter painted this absolute fucking nightmare.

I took the day off work to chaperone my kids' school field trip and I'm pretty sure I'm more excited about it than they are. Whatever, I love field trips.

Abby: (stuffing her face) "I don't really like this food."
Me: "Then why do you keep eating it?"
Abby: "Well, somebody has to."
Oh my God, my daughter is turning into me.

I keep hearing this song on the radio, “16” by Highly Suspect. I don’t particularly care for the song anyway, but the chorus itself seems especially ridiculous:
“It took me sixteen years to find ya
One second to love ya
Seven years to hold ya
One minute to lose ya
Oh, God
Where did I go wrong?”
Bruh, I think it’s pretty clear that one minute is where you went wrong. Why are you asking this question when the answer is so obvious?

I think that about sums up my feelings towards this poll.

I made a motivational poster for my coworkers.

At our kids' school for parent-teacher conferences. Somebody keep an eye on this kid.

Why can't people just give their kids normal names?

There are some parents drinking coffee before the Scout hike this morning, which tells me that there are a handful of people that really want to shit in the woods today.

I went to the pumpkin patch with my family the other day. After looking around for a bit, I picked out a nice, round, bright orange, medium-sized pumpkin. Everyone else in the family proceeded to pick out pumpkins that were twice as big as mine. Apparently I'm the only one in the house not overcompensating for something.

That is a pretty tempting offer, FB, but I would be disappointed if I didn't hit it exactly.

                Well, I am not spending $10 on this because I still have school loans and a mortgage to pay, so I am absolutely certain that if you’re reading this you’re part of a much smaller group than 666 people (damn shame, too), so thanks for reading, I’ll catch you next month.