Wednesday, April 1, 2020

March 2020 Joke Round-Up

Well March was really something, eh?  Everything pretty much got shut down due to this COVID-19 situation.  You’ll see me mentioning that in my jokes probably more than is acceptable.  I’ve been home with the kids during this time and helping them with the e-learning the school set up before they were let out.  Luckily, in all of this staying home there was a beacon of light in the form of Nintendo’s new Animal Crossing: Horizons, though I do believe that has only aided my descent into madness.  Time will tell.  Let’s get to the jokes.   3/2 
I've reached a level of success and financial security in my life where I boil my rice in chicken stock instead of water. 

There's a whole jar of olives in the fridge and I have no idea why because nobody in this house even drinks martinis. 

What if you have the genetic variation that makes cilantro taste like soap, but you like the taste of soap? 

Reading through some of the ignorant ass comments by science-deniers and skeptics on any post about the corona virus is starting to make me feel like rooting for the virus. #WashYourHands 

I say "Let's get drunk" an awful lot for someone who gets sleepy after 3 beers. 

#CoronavirusLifeHack This may save you from the TP shortage. 

#CoronavirusLifeHack if you find yourself touching your face a lot, this may help. 

Very professional. 

#CoronavirusLifeHack Save your TP at home by using the bathroom at work. 

The only frozen pizzas left at the store are cheese. Even in the midst of a pandemic people refuse to lower themselves to eating pizzas without toppings. 

My hockey team is making some changes to our uniforms in light of the coronavirus. 

I have been carefully monitoring the coronavirus situation and taking note of the reactions to it, including the various closures and cancellations. With that in mind, and despite the very short notice, it appears that I will have to follow suit and cancel my birthday this year. I will remain 32 years old until next year when I can hopefully have my birthday once again in a situation that is both less stressful and more health-conscious for everyone. 

I'm not really worried about the coronavirus because there's a random dude in my town who owns a gym and apparently knows more than the CDC & WHO so I think we'll all be safe here. 

I don't know if it's because they're going stir-crazy from having to stay home or what but I just saw one of my neighbors vacuuming his yard. 

I see a lot of people not wearing green today and I assume it's because social distancing is protecting them from being pinched. 

I've mounted a webcam above my basement table so that my D&D group can continue to play without having to gather at one place. It's a weird situation when you have to tell Dungeons & Dragons players that they're too social and need to scale back their social interactions. 

I think one of the sadder things about this "shelter at home" situation is that people are gonna have a lot more free time and they still won't use any of it to fact-check the bullshit they share on FB. 

The kids have been doing this e-classroom stuff at home for a week and what I have learned is that we need more tax dollars to go towards education so every school can have a margarita fountain in the teachers' lounge. 

The hardest thing about being home all day is not eating every 4 minutes. 

3/28 It's amazing the number of people on FB who I wouldn't trust to give proper change for $5 that suddenly fancy themselves experts in virology and exponential growth functions. 

I see a lot of posts making light of getting on the nerves of your significant other during this COVID-19 lockdown situation. Things are a little different in our house. Today my wife was playing Animal Crossing upstairs and I went downstairs to watch tv. A couple hours later when I came upstairs she looked at me with surprise and said, "Holy shit, I forgot you were even home." We're pretty good at this shelter in place thing. #SpousalDistancing 

Nintendo hit at the perfect time with Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I can sit inside and pretend I'm running around outside. 

I have come to the conclusion that stringfish just are not native to my island. 

I never thought a video game would cause me to have strong feelings about a fish, but here I am just absolutely pissed off that bass exist. 

I'm not sure where exactly this Tiger King fits in the storyline. Does this all take place before or after Hakuna Matata? 

Who knows what next month will bring.  The virus is still relatively new and unknown, so I may have the opportunity to make some jokes about the dead reanimating and attacked the living.  With that, I can safely assure you all that if I get bit, I will not be one of the assholes that hides the bite and puts his family in danger.  Hopefully, my wife treats me like Ed in “Shaun of the Dead” and chains me up in the shed with some video games to live out my undead years. #TheDream 


Sunday, March 1, 2020

February 2020 Joke Round-Up

Well, February is done.  I will make reference to the fact that there was an extra day in it right now, but I refuse to make a dumb joke about it; I already did that on the 28th.   I wrote a whole new article this month about me feeling like death after eating a burger.  That was fun.  Really, it shouldn’t take gluttony-induced near-death experiences to encourage me to write something that isn’t just my monthly joke round up, and yet here we are.  I should get better about that.  Anyways, here are this past month’s jokes pulled from my FB page. 

I was woken up at 6:30 this morning by the neighbor's garage being on fire. Totally inconsiderate. People need to have their structure fires at a more reasonable hour, especially on the weekend. 

I played hockey tonight because I don't really have any interest in football. It's worth noting, however, that I left Maplewood, MO with 8:55 left in the 4th quarter and walked into my house with 1:15 left in the 4th quarter. Football exists in some kind of alternate dimension where time is completely irrelevant. 

I've seen pictures online of people's dogs before and after they're called a good boy/girl and it's adorable. My dog, on the other hand, literally doesn't give a shit when I call him a good boy and I'm unreasonably upset about this. 

My dog Barclay before and after being told he's a good boy. #NoFucksGiven 

I'm trying to come up with a good Valentine's gift for my wife but apparently taco trees still aren't a thing yet so idk what scientists are even doing with their time. 

I have been listening to the same Ska/Punk mix Pandora station at work for a few months now and I still catch myself saying out loud "oh hell yeah, this is my jam" for pretty much every song that plays. 

Stop judging me, Google. 

I'm gonna need to see some ID from this guy. 

Living in the age of internet and smartphones is so wild. The other night I was awake at 1:30 a.m. Googling "how to make the family dog like me most." 

My daughter wanted to give out WWE Valentine's cards at school, but the one that says "Never Give Up" doesn't have a wrestler on it. 

How long til they move on to harder stuff like Pixy Stix? 

Hold On - Triumph Hold the Line - Toto Hold On - Wilson Phillips Hold On Loosely - 38 Special Baby Hold On - Eddie Money Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins Tiny Dancer - Elton John 
Just working on the playlist I would use if I was ever put in charge of the hold music for a company's phone system. 

I don't know what is going on in my house. Am I supposed to be Buttface McGee? 

Never before have my shitty eating habits been more glaringly highlighted than today when I ate a salad for lunch and multiple coworkers asked if I was okay. 

Last night I had a dream that I was at a party with Captain America. He looked at a case of beer and said, "I'm gonna pull a Thanos and make half of those disappear." 

Watching my son struggle to choke down his flu medicine, I don't know if this kid is ever gonna be able to do shots. 

I kind of don't want to post any jokes tomorrow because I'm worried they won't show up again in my memories for another 4 years. It's a shame because I bet I was gonna be hilarious tomorrow. 

Well I stuck to my convictions and didn’t write any jokes on the 29th out of fear of losing them for the next 4 years.  But I can assure you that I was totally hilarious in my day-to-day goings-on.  You’ll just have to trust me on that.