Friday, October 1, 2021

September 2021 Joke Round Up

                At a certain point, I feel like my round ups are just inundated with me being a liability at work with silly backgrounds.  There’s also quite a bit of my questionable parenting skills and we top it off with a dash of me being tired of the internet’s bullshit.  That’s it.  That’s my intro this month. Let’s go to the jokes.



I seem to have misplaced my Six Demon Bag.


On weekends, I usually watch Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives until I fall asleep at night. It's like Guy Fieri is reading me tasty bedtime stories.



I've always thought that I'm a pretty good dad based on how I have taken care of Henry and Abby for the last 5 years. But this past weekend my wife and I babysat our 2 year old and 2 month old nephews and I realized that my skills are sorely lacking for those age brackets. Figured I needed to update the mug my daughter gave me to reflect this...



My kids and often I call each other some very mature terms of endearment around the house, such as poopy-pants, fart face, stink butt, etc.

Yesterday I picked them up from school and as my daughter was walking out of the building I said "Hi goober" and without thinking she immediately responded "Hi butthead!" I thought the latchkey lady was going to faint.



Goonies never say die.



Gonna find me a city of gold.



Let's NOT split up, gang.



While camping last night I reheated some of the kids leftover McNuggets over the fire. #Genius



The kids and I went for a little hike in the woods and brought a trash bag to pick up litter along the way. One of the items we found was a Budweiser Zero can and I had to explain to the kids that only a real weirdo would hide in the woods to drink non-alcoholic beer.



It was announced today that either a proof of vaccination or negative COVID test would be required to attend Blues hockey games. As I've come to expect for the absolute dumpster-fire that is the NHL fanbase, there were a lot of people showing their asses with their degrees they obtained from YouTube videos.



After the response to the required vaccination/negative COVID test announcement yesterday, the Blues organization has followed up with this exciting announcement. Pretty cool that we'll see this at the corner of 14th & Clark very soon.



Someone tell my why my wife's preferred sleeping position is "Michael Jordan Jumpman Logo."



Gonna sweep the leg.



Just hanging out in detention.



I do enjoy the subtle middle finger I get from Food Network when something I eat regularly is supposed to be the shitty "gotcha" basket ingredient on Chopped.



We are swiftly approaching the time of year when I bring a space heater into the bathroom because I refuse to poo in anything less than a tropical climate.



Yesterday the St. Louis Blues announced that they would have a press conference later in the day for a major announcement, which led to a lot of speculation from fans. I did my best to help answer everyone's questions about what the announcement could be.


                It’s officially fall now, so that sucks.  But it’s hockey season, so that is great.  And I’m really in the mood for some stress-eating.  So expect next month to kick off with a rollercoaster of emotions and poor dietary choices.



Wednesday, September 1, 2021

August 2021 Joke Round-Up


Wow, sometimes when I’m putting these posts together I really am surprised to see things from the beginning month actually happened within the same month; they seem so long ago.  For instance, my kids have only been back to school for 2 weeks, but I was completely shocked to see that just within this past month I was still doing their summer workbooks (because I’m a mean dad like that).  I did follow up on annoying my wife with Cotton Eye Joe as well. But my big outing this month was my attendance at the school board meeting, which spawned a lot of jokes and I think proves that most of my humor is observation-based (and possibly mean-spirited/condescending, but honestly those people deserved it).  The rest of what I did this month was just changing my background at work because that is reliable joke-filler when I’m feeling uninspired.  Enjoy! 



First day back at work after a week of vacation. 




My wife and I are doing some yard work. I told her I'd turn on some music for us to work to. First song I played. She is not amused. 




Got my desk cleaned off from yesterday. 




This is fine. 




If the anti-mask/vax crowd was on the Oregon trail, their entire party would have died of dysentery after they purposely shat upstream from their camp just because they were asked not to. 



How is your day going? This is just me making questionable dietary choices. 




The kids had to write multi-step word problems in their summer workbooks yesterday. Here was Henry's:  

On Thursday Abby ate 32 farts.  

On Friday Abby ate 46 farts.  

Each fart is 5 calories.  

How many calories did Abby eat?  

Abby was not amused. 



Facebook keeps showing me ads for vegan food products. This is presumably because their algorithm thinks I need to get less enjoyment out of my life. 



Why is there a group of anti-maskers at this school board meeting all wearing matching t-shirts like they're a tour group at Disney World? Weirdos. 



This anti-mask lady is trying to make her young child speak at the school board meeting. Okay lady, he also asked to eat skittles for dinner so I really am not taking your child's opinions on health seriously. 



This anti-mask guy said "this is a hill worth dying on." Bro, that's a dumb choice of words when your stance is to not take precautions against something that will literally make you die. 



Prior to last night's school board meeting it was announced that all speakers addressing the board would be limited to 2 minutes. I had finished my statement and was thanking the board for their time when the alarm went off indicating that my time was up. Of the nearly 30 individuals who spoke, I was the only one who did not go over time and get cut off.  

This is no surprise, though. I have plenty of experience making the most of 2 minutes. 


I'm in the distant future/recent past of the year 2015. Boy did we fuck things up. No flying cars, "hoverboards" are nothing like what was promised, and an unsettlingly large portion of the population is enamored with Biff. 




My wife and I work really well as a team because our strengths complement each other. For instance, one of her strengths is worrying and one of my strengths is giving her things to worry about. 



The kids were excited about their first day of school today. For me, it brought back memories of my time as the unpopular kid at school as I will be back to sitting by myself at lunch now. 



In my local community page there's been a lot of talk about what Highland needs to "put it on the map" so to speak. I've responded by creating and posting these. 






Hanging out in Hill Valley circa 1885. 




Yesterday after my wife got off work, I whispered into her ear those four magic words every woman loves to hear: "Let's get Mexican food." 

Then, after we were done eating, we let the kids get on their tablets so they were occupied, locked the door to our bedroom and spent a magnificent 2 hours napping. 

Who says romance is dead? 



Just here in the Wild Wild West 




Picked the kids up from school today and on the drive home my daughter was just chattering away, talking to herself, and making goofy noises. It dawned on me, "My god, this is what I sound like to other people." #SheGetsItFromMe 


I am both excited and embarrassed about that last one there because I love what an impression I’m making on the kids but wish it was something more useful like an appreciation for mathematics instead of just encouraging them to make a bunch of stupid noises, but I’ll take what I can get.