Friday, May 1, 2020

April 2020 Joke Round-Up

I almost started this post with the phrase “in these trying times” but even I’m not that much of a hack.  At this point, I’ve been home with the kids helping them navigate e-learning for about a month and a half now.  During that time, aside from going on daily walks around the neighborhood, I’ve really only ventured somewhere in town for errands a couple of times.   I typically get my hair cut every 4 weeks like clockwork and I’m currently sitting at 11 weeks since my last cut, so I'm trying to be creative with this mop on my head.  I haven’t played hockey since early March and I’m very close to the kitchen/pantry/refrigerator most of the day so I am changing from already out of shape to an even worse shape.  And despite all of this, I think I’m doing pretty okay.  I’ve got Animal Crossing, I get to play Dungeons & Dragons over video chat and I’ve been playing hockey on Xbox with some of my teammates.  Not to mention I have a lovely wife who is an essential worker and I have a backyard that I can send the kids to play in when I need them to work off their energy somewhere that isn’t within a 5 foot diameter of me.  So now that you have a glimpse of how I’ve managed to cobble together my life in a manner that mostly maintains my sanity, here are some jokes that I wrote this past month that possibly show I haven’t been as sane as I claim. 

I hear the drums echoing tonight... 
Due to all the extra time spent at home my dishwasher has been declared an essential worker. 

I'm just trying to catch some fish so I can pay off my house but all I keep catching are these stupid eggs and I don't know if I've ever said a more ridiculous sentence that's actually able to be understood by so many people. 

My guilty pleasure during this pandemic has been watching the FB feed of some random lady as she falls deeper and deeper into a conspiracy theory induced madness, which was all started by the fact that she didn't understand that the number of COVID-19 cases wasn't evenly distributed across every hospital in the United States. 

Since we're doing school at home I decided today we were going to play Heads Up, 7 Up. Really, I'm just wanting the kids to put their heads down and be quiet for a while. 

When I'm president I promise to require all drive-thru lanes to have an additional menu to browse before you get up to the intercom so you can have some extra time to decide what you want to order without all the anxiety about holding up the line. 

After this morning's school work with the kids, I've decided I need a less stressful endeavor so I'm going to start teaching my dog to write in cursive. 

If there's one thing I've learned during this whole pandemic it's that a lot of people have absolutely no concept of what the word "essential" actually means. 

For the first time in my life I had some random person message me trash talk after I lost a game online the other night. If my self worth were based on my proficiency at gaming, this might have upset me. 

A lot of people use the word "research" to mean they've watched a YouTube video about something. I guess that means I've done a lot of research on people faceplanting. 

Governor Cuomo was on The Daily Show last night and he didn't even sing The Sweater Song. 

Watching FB today like... 

I don't have the data to back it up, but I suspect there to be a strong correlation between people who struggled to pass their high school social studies class and people who refer to everything they don't like as either "unconstitutional" or "communism." 

Whenever I hear someone say "We're all in this together" in regards to the COVID-19 pandemic, all I can think of is that song from High School Musical and I can't be the only one experiencing this issue. 

I can't tell if people as a whole are getting dumber the longer this pandemic lasts or if it's just given those who were already the dumbest members of society a lot more free time to put their ignorance on full display. 

One cool thing is that the weather is getting nicer and I’m only mostly dying from my allergies as I try to enjoy it, so I might pick one of these gorgeous days to pop a bunch of Benadryl and pass out in the yard. 


Wednesday, April 1, 2020

March 2020 Joke Round-Up

Well March was really something, eh?  Everything pretty much got shut down due to this COVID-19 situation.  You’ll see me mentioning that in my jokes probably more than is acceptable.  I’ve been home with the kids during this time and helping them with the e-learning the school set up before they were let out.  Luckily, in all of this staying home there was a beacon of light in the form of Nintendo’s new Animal Crossing: Horizons, though I do believe that has only aided my descent into madness.  Time will tell.  Let’s get to the jokes.   3/2 
I've reached a level of success and financial security in my life where I boil my rice in chicken stock instead of water. 

There's a whole jar of olives in the fridge and I have no idea why because nobody in this house even drinks martinis. 

What if you have the genetic variation that makes cilantro taste like soap, but you like the taste of soap? 

Reading through some of the ignorant ass comments by science-deniers and skeptics on any post about the corona virus is starting to make me feel like rooting for the virus. #WashYourHands 

I say "Let's get drunk" an awful lot for someone who gets sleepy after 3 beers. 

#CoronavirusLifeHack This may save you from the TP shortage. 

#CoronavirusLifeHack if you find yourself touching your face a lot, this may help. 

Very professional. 

#CoronavirusLifeHack Save your TP at home by using the bathroom at work. 

The only frozen pizzas left at the store are cheese. Even in the midst of a pandemic people refuse to lower themselves to eating pizzas without toppings. 

My hockey team is making some changes to our uniforms in light of the coronavirus. 

I have been carefully monitoring the coronavirus situation and taking note of the reactions to it, including the various closures and cancellations. With that in mind, and despite the very short notice, it appears that I will have to follow suit and cancel my birthday this year. I will remain 32 years old until next year when I can hopefully have my birthday once again in a situation that is both less stressful and more health-conscious for everyone. 

I'm not really worried about the coronavirus because there's a random dude in my town who owns a gym and apparently knows more than the CDC & WHO so I think we'll all be safe here. 

I don't know if it's because they're going stir-crazy from having to stay home or what but I just saw one of my neighbors vacuuming his yard. 

I see a lot of people not wearing green today and I assume it's because social distancing is protecting them from being pinched. 

I've mounted a webcam above my basement table so that my D&D group can continue to play without having to gather at one place. It's a weird situation when you have to tell Dungeons & Dragons players that they're too social and need to scale back their social interactions. 

I think one of the sadder things about this "shelter at home" situation is that people are gonna have a lot more free time and they still won't use any of it to fact-check the bullshit they share on FB. 

The kids have been doing this e-classroom stuff at home for a week and what I have learned is that we need more tax dollars to go towards education so every school can have a margarita fountain in the teachers' lounge. 

The hardest thing about being home all day is not eating every 4 minutes. 

3/28 It's amazing the number of people on FB who I wouldn't trust to give proper change for $5 that suddenly fancy themselves experts in virology and exponential growth functions. 

I see a lot of posts making light of getting on the nerves of your significant other during this COVID-19 lockdown situation. Things are a little different in our house. Today my wife was playing Animal Crossing upstairs and I went downstairs to watch tv. A couple hours later when I came upstairs she looked at me with surprise and said, "Holy shit, I forgot you were even home." We're pretty good at this shelter in place thing. #SpousalDistancing 

Nintendo hit at the perfect time with Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I can sit inside and pretend I'm running around outside. 

I have come to the conclusion that stringfish just are not native to my island. 

I never thought a video game would cause me to have strong feelings about a fish, but here I am just absolutely pissed off that bass exist. 

I'm not sure where exactly this Tiger King fits in the storyline. Does this all take place before or after Hakuna Matata? 

Who knows what next month will bring.  The virus is still relatively new and unknown, so I may have the opportunity to make some jokes about the dead reanimating and attacked the living.  With that, I can safely assure you all that if I get bit, I will not be one of the assholes that hides the bite and puts his family in danger.  Hopefully, my wife treats me like Ed in “Shaun of the Dead” and chains me up in the shed with some video games to live out my undead years. #TheDream