Sunday, September 1, 2019

August 2019 Joke Round-Up

                 I’ve been putting together these jokes round ups every month for the past few years now.  And still, without fail, every single month I am surprised by how many jokes I actually wrote for the month.  In the midst of each and every month I at some point think to myself, “I’ve hardly written any jokes this month.  I suck.”  And then it turns out at the end of the month that I’ve had the same amount of output as usual (which could still suck, but at least my numbers are consistent).  This month, I invented a product to save my dad-voice, lamented on how shitty fall is, and did some power washing.  Here are some jokes.

I don't trust this sheep.

After realizing how often I have to repeat myself to the kids, I invented a new product. I'm trying to change lives here.

Big mood

I've seen this shared on my timeline a few times. Aside from the fact that fall is garbage and you're wrong if you like it, look at the date it was initially posted: less than 2 weeks into summer. Slow your roll there, David Pumpkins. #FallSucks

My kids go back to school tomorrow and I’m definitely not ready for it, mostly because they’re still young enough that they need parents to sit down and do homework with them. When my kids go back to school, I end up with homework. This is bullshit. I finished school years ago, I’m not supposed to have homework anymore.

A recent study has found that men who experience erectile dysfunction are more likely to be less productive at work than those who don’t. I am happy to say that I am quite productive at work when it comes to finishing my assignments. In fact, I typically finish early.

I once applied for a job that required me to do a couple of writing prompts as part of the application process; one of which was to write a press release about charges filed in a murder case. In response to that prompt, I opted to write about charges filed against George Howard Skub a.k.a. The Scranton Strangler. I did not receive a call for an interview.

When your wife asks you to pressure wash the fence and patio area but you're a romantic at heart....

This morning I was at a stoplight next to a woman eating a bowl of cereal in her car. I'm all for eating on the go, but I usually try to avoid bringing dishes and utensils into the equation.

I don't want to know what or who they're trying to catch.
This is a really odd question, but I guess Google heard about my sweet moves.

I'm not familiar with these...

I've been bent out of shape all day. Good thing I'm going to the chiropractor this afternoon.

Came across this while scrolling my timeline. I don't know about the age progression pic, but that black & white pic is much different than I remember him from the Smells Like Teen Spirit music video.

I got a free golf simulator game on the Xbox that I've been playing lately. And while it does a lot of things right, at no point have I been able to piss in the woods; which really detracts from the realism of the experience.

Of course the best part about being married is that I get to share my life with the woman I love more than anything else in the world. However, it's also worth mentioning the added benefit of no longer having to worry about buying Christmas or birthday presents for anyone but my spouse because she takes care of all of that.

                Summer is almost gone and we’re gonna have to deal with that absolute bullshit season of fall so I’ll probably be getting increasingly crankier as next month goes on.  Maybe my jokes will reflect that.  Either way, as long as I continue to assume that I’ve written essentially no jokes for the month you can expect a very similar amount of jokes next month.  Maybe they’ll even be good.


Thursday, August 1, 2019

July 2019 Joke Round-Up

                July has come and gone as we barrel helplessly through summer.  July was considerably less exciting than the previous month, which I suspect can be largely attributed to the fact that I didn’t get married again in July; a notable difference from June.  I did get to go on my honeymoon this month, which was pretty sweet and didn’t at fill me with inescapable misery when I had to return to work and the real world (haha, I’m sad now).  For whatever reason, I took a LOT of pictures for visual jokes this month; so have fun with that.

Today my wife confused Jon Taffer and Jake Tapper. I definitely think there'd be a lot less punch to Bar Rescue with Jake Tapper, but CNN could get really fun.

Speaking of Jon Taffer, 2 days before my honeymoon I saw an episode of Bar Rescue where someone ordered a Rum Runner and it is now officially my new favorite drink. That's no joke, just a life pro tip.

Found out that I'm not into that sort of thing.

Ordering Dedos de Pollo feels a lot more sophisticated than ordering Chicken Fingers.

It's possible that this kind of stuff is why the dog likes everyone else in the house more than me.

Every time I exit the pool I start moving just a little bit slower than usual and have "Moving In Stereo" by The Cars playing in my head. Because reasons.

One very important thing I've learned from watching Food Network is to ditch the garnishes; don't put anything on a plate that isn't intended to be eaten. But not everyone follows that rule and so today I ate a flower.

I hope the pilot just has Google Maps on up in the cockpit.

It's been 14 years since I last took a Spanish class in school. Either I remembered a lot more than I thought I did and being in Mexico just brought it out of me, or all the rum made me think that's what was happening.

Just gonna do some Mayan Crossfit.


Who says romance is dead?

Necessity is the mother of invention.

Walking through Bed Bath & Beyond with my wife and she points out some scraper utensil that is apparently supposed to help scoop the last bits of dip or whatever out of a bowl.
Thanks, but I already have a finger.

I took a small bump to my elbow at hockey last night. I've spent my time since then just shouting Kindergarten Cop quotes at people.

In preparation for my wife's birthday today, I baked a cake for the first time in my life last night. I don't mean to brag, but I probably would not be the first contestant eliminated on the Kids Baking Championship.

I did that face aging thing and now I finally look the way I feel every day when I wake up.

My wife is being super mature right now because she doesn't want to go grocery shopping with me.

Today's work struggle. #Thirsty

Improve your lunch break with this 1 easy trick.

Life Pro Tip: Clorox currently only offers 6 different flavors of bleach, but you can add flavor packets to regular bleach to make your own.

We’ve been under a boil order because of a water main break on our street. Because of this, we’ve been relying on bottled water in the house and have extended this to filling our dog’s water dish with bottled water during this time as well. And honestly, the dog is getting a little bit uppity about the whole thing.

I'll be honest, I have no idea how to throw away a trash can.

                Wow! As far as jokes go, those are definitely ones that I wrote last month.  Pretty accurate assessment of my writing if I do say so myself.  Anyways, now that the wedding and honeymoon are both over, looks like I’ve got a lifetime of jokes about marital bliss to get writing.


Monday, July 1, 2019

June 2019 Joke Round-Up

                Holy shit, what a month!  June was far and away the best month of my life.  It featured the two best days of my life: the Blues winning the Stanley Cup and me getting married to the love of my life (in no particular order).   If you didn’t already know, I’m a huge Blues fan and you’ll see some more jokes sprinkled in there about the Blues winning and poking fun at Boston.  You’ll also see a decent break in the dates of my jokes where I was in full-on getting married mode and didn’t focus on much else besides making sure I didn’t give my bride a reason not to show up on the big day.  So, on to the jokes.

Sometimes I worry that I might be nicer to my dog than I am to my kids. But then I remember that the dog never whines at me because I won't let it watch LOL Doll videos on YouTube.

NBC just offered this live look in at Enterprise Center to update everyone on Zdeno Chara's status after last night's game. He's still on the bench.

It's June 8th. The kids decided they wanted to watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas. What the hell?

I was in a parade with my son for the Boy Scouts today. During the parade I had people I knew in the crowd bring me a popsicle and a sandwich. Usually it's the people on the float giving treats to the crowd but I like my way better.

Prior to yesterday's game 6 a local newspaper accidentally jumped the gun on reporting the St. Louis Blues as the series victor. Here's an embarrassing photo of that gaffe.

I'm getting married next Saturday. So the outcome of tonight's hockey game will determine if next Saturday is the best or 2nd best day of my life. It's worth mentioning that I've been with the Blues nearly 3 decades longer than I've been with my fiancée so this really comes down to the numbers.

Live look at how I'm handling the Blues winning the Stanley Cup.

I don't really understand why my dog goes nuts over treats but is super unenthusiastic about his regular kibble. They both taste the same to me.

Today is my 3 year anniversary of getting ordained and my 2 year anniversary of playing Words With Friends. So, pretty momentous day all around.

Mr. Steal Yo Mail. #JustAJoke #DontArrestUsPlease

UPDATE: It has been a week since the Blues won the Stanley Cup in game 7 at Boston and Chara is STILL on the bench. Thankfully, someone left a light on for him. #PlayGloria

Marriage - Day 2: wearing this wedding ring makes me feel sophisticated AF.

Noticed there was an empty picture frame at my dad & step mom's house so I figured I'd help out.

My neighbor told me that I'm glowing from the wedding. I told her it's because I spend too much time standing in front of the microwave watching my food cook.

This week I've been getting myself prepped to run my first D&D campaign and also getting ready to go on my honeymoon. Because of this overlap, in addition to a house-sitter I've opted to also set up a series of booby traps to protect my home while I'm gone.

I got the kids workbooks to do over the summer so they don't get dumb before school starts again. I assigned them a few pages to do tonight and it would appear from their reactions that I've violated the Geneva Convention.

I'm not saying that Ring Doorbell is a snitch, but it's awfully hard for me to get away with unashamedly eating an entire pizza to myself on a day home alone when my wife can watch a video of it being delivered.

                That image of Chara alone in the arena with a single light on him is the most viewed/traveled joke I’ve made thus far since I started doing this whole thing, so that’s pretty neat.  Gonna be pretty hard to top, but I’ll keep trying anyways (not like I’m unacquainted with failure….look at this whole damn blog).