Tuesday, October 1, 2019

September 2019 Joke Round-Up

                September has ended and we’re about a week into fall, which is absolute bullshit.  The only saving grace is that hockey season officially starts tomorrow and I can watch the Stanley Cup Champion St. Louis Blues begin their title defense.  Lots of pictures this month.  And lots of references to things I shouldn’t be eating, like food that’s too spicy, food that’s a greasy mess, and even hair care products.  Also that time that I almost ran a 5k.  Enjoy these jokes that you’ve already seen.

Started at the bottom...

I can't unsee this.

67% of people can fuck right off.

This is just asking for trouble.

My wife and I have decided to start trying for a baby. In accordance with this, she told me that she looked up a fertility calendar to find out when she's most fertile. I asked her to let me know when the calendar says she's semi-fertile because, historically, at her most fertile she will pop out twins and I'm only trying to have 1 more kid.

I really don't understand religion. This was on the church door.

My wife and I have very different opinions on what the "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" mantra of marriage entails. She thinks it means she's entitled to eat some of my chicken nuggets and I think it means that if she keeps reaching for my food she's gonna lose a finger.

I ate at Waffle House at 1 o'clock this morning. I wasn't even drunk, I just love eating and have no self respect.

We're supposed to run a 5k tomorrow and today my wife "conveniently" ended up with a kidney infection. I've never worked that hard to get out of running.

A couple of friends and I had a shrimp boil the other day. We had a bit too much of the (rather spicy) seasoned broth so we dumped some of it in the yard. Suddenly I'm concerned about what it's doing to my stomach if it did this to the grass.

Went bowling with the family tonight. I won all 3 games, which my daughter was not happy about, leading her to very loudly say, "Can you please stop beating us?!" Needless to say, some eyebrows were raised at the bowling alley.

Note to self: Do not attempt to buy a new jock strap and cup for hockey online at work. Just a bunch of pictures of dude's crotches all over my computer.

What is with his attitude?

I wish Trump would wear a tan suit or order a sandwich with dijon mustard so Republicans would finally have something to get angry about.

The St. Louis Blues' longtime national anthem singer retired at the end of last season. As the start of this season gets closer, there are a lot of people online asking who will perform the anthem now and I just keep responding with this picture:

I guess they just let anyone drive these trucks.

Damn, I was too late.

I do not recommend this.

                As you know may know from one of my previous posts, I have 5 sweet gum trees in my yard.  So for the foreseeable future I will be in the yard with a rake and a bad attitude.


Sunday, September 1, 2019

August 2019 Joke Round-Up

                 I’ve been putting together these jokes round ups every month for the past few years now.  And still, without fail, every single month I am surprised by how many jokes I actually wrote for the month.  In the midst of each and every month I at some point think to myself, “I’ve hardly written any jokes this month.  I suck.”  And then it turns out at the end of the month that I’ve had the same amount of output as usual (which could still suck, but at least my numbers are consistent).  This month, I invented a product to save my dad-voice, lamented on how shitty fall is, and did some power washing.  Here are some jokes.

I don't trust this sheep.

After realizing how often I have to repeat myself to the kids, I invented a new product. I'm trying to change lives here.

Big mood

I've seen this shared on my timeline a few times. Aside from the fact that fall is garbage and you're wrong if you like it, look at the date it was initially posted: less than 2 weeks into summer. Slow your roll there, David Pumpkins. #FallSucks

My kids go back to school tomorrow and I’m definitely not ready for it, mostly because they’re still young enough that they need parents to sit down and do homework with them. When my kids go back to school, I end up with homework. This is bullshit. I finished school years ago, I’m not supposed to have homework anymore.

A recent study has found that men who experience erectile dysfunction are more likely to be less productive at work than those who don’t. I am happy to say that I am quite productive at work when it comes to finishing my assignments. In fact, I typically finish early.

I once applied for a job that required me to do a couple of writing prompts as part of the application process; one of which was to write a press release about charges filed in a murder case. In response to that prompt, I opted to write about charges filed against George Howard Skub a.k.a. The Scranton Strangler. I did not receive a call for an interview.

When your wife asks you to pressure wash the fence and patio area but you're a romantic at heart....

This morning I was at a stoplight next to a woman eating a bowl of cereal in her car. I'm all for eating on the go, but I usually try to avoid bringing dishes and utensils into the equation.

I don't want to know what or who they're trying to catch.
This is a really odd question, but I guess Google heard about my sweet moves.

I'm not familiar with these...

I've been bent out of shape all day. Good thing I'm going to the chiropractor this afternoon.

Came across this while scrolling my timeline. I don't know about the age progression pic, but that black & white pic is much different than I remember him from the Smells Like Teen Spirit music video.

I got a free golf simulator game on the Xbox that I've been playing lately. And while it does a lot of things right, at no point have I been able to piss in the woods; which really detracts from the realism of the experience.

Of course the best part about being married is that I get to share my life with the woman I love more than anything else in the world. However, it's also worth mentioning the added benefit of no longer having to worry about buying Christmas or birthday presents for anyone but my spouse because she takes care of all of that.

                Summer is almost gone and we’re gonna have to deal with that absolute bullshit season of fall so I’ll probably be getting increasingly crankier as next month goes on.  Maybe my jokes will reflect that.  Either way, as long as I continue to assume that I’ve written essentially no jokes for the month you can expect a very similar amount of jokes next month.  Maybe they’ll even be good.


Thursday, August 1, 2019

July 2019 Joke Round-Up

                July has come and gone as we barrel helplessly through summer.  July was considerably less exciting than the previous month, which I suspect can be largely attributed to the fact that I didn’t get married again in July; a notable difference from June.  I did get to go on my honeymoon this month, which was pretty sweet and didn’t at fill me with inescapable misery when I had to return to work and the real world (haha, I’m sad now).  For whatever reason, I took a LOT of pictures for visual jokes this month; so have fun with that.

Today my wife confused Jon Taffer and Jake Tapper. I definitely think there'd be a lot less punch to Bar Rescue with Jake Tapper, but CNN could get really fun.

Speaking of Jon Taffer, 2 days before my honeymoon I saw an episode of Bar Rescue where someone ordered a Rum Runner and it is now officially my new favorite drink. That's no joke, just a life pro tip.

Found out that I'm not into that sort of thing.

Ordering Dedos de Pollo feels a lot more sophisticated than ordering Chicken Fingers.

It's possible that this kind of stuff is why the dog likes everyone else in the house more than me.

Every time I exit the pool I start moving just a little bit slower than usual and have "Moving In Stereo" by The Cars playing in my head. Because reasons.

One very important thing I've learned from watching Food Network is to ditch the garnishes; don't put anything on a plate that isn't intended to be eaten. But not everyone follows that rule and so today I ate a flower.

I hope the pilot just has Google Maps on up in the cockpit.

It's been 14 years since I last took a Spanish class in school. Either I remembered a lot more than I thought I did and being in Mexico just brought it out of me, or all the rum made me think that's what was happening.

Just gonna do some Mayan Crossfit.


Who says romance is dead?

Necessity is the mother of invention.

Walking through Bed Bath & Beyond with my wife and she points out some scraper utensil that is apparently supposed to help scoop the last bits of dip or whatever out of a bowl.
Thanks, but I already have a finger.

I took a small bump to my elbow at hockey last night. I've spent my time since then just shouting Kindergarten Cop quotes at people.

In preparation for my wife's birthday today, I baked a cake for the first time in my life last night. I don't mean to brag, but I probably would not be the first contestant eliminated on the Kids Baking Championship.

I did that face aging thing and now I finally look the way I feel every day when I wake up.

My wife is being super mature right now because she doesn't want to go grocery shopping with me.

Today's work struggle. #Thirsty

Improve your lunch break with this 1 easy trick.

Life Pro Tip: Clorox currently only offers 6 different flavors of bleach, but you can add flavor packets to regular bleach to make your own.

We’ve been under a boil order because of a water main break on our street. Because of this, we’ve been relying on bottled water in the house and have extended this to filling our dog’s water dish with bottled water during this time as well. And honestly, the dog is getting a little bit uppity about the whole thing.

I'll be honest, I have no idea how to throw away a trash can.

                Wow! As far as jokes go, those are definitely ones that I wrote last month.  Pretty accurate assessment of my writing if I do say so myself.  Anyways, now that the wedding and honeymoon are both over, looks like I’ve got a lifetime of jokes about marital bliss to get writing.