Saturday, February 1, 2020

January 2020 Joke Round-Up

The first month of this new year is out of the way and it brought with it fewer jokes and more concussions than I am used to.  Winter months are always a little tough because my jokes tend to be inspired by my experiences and during the winter the bulk of my experiences are just me sitting in the house being pissy about the fact that it’s winter.  That aside, I did present myself with an award, go incognito, and made breakfast with either spaghetti or margarine.  Here are some jokes. 

*One of my favorite songs, Learn To Fly, comes on the radio* Me: "This is the best Foo Fighters song. I will fight you if you say otherwise." My daughter: "Otherwise" 
Some days my kids are smartasses and I really only have myself to blame. 

For your consideration... 

I've heard that coconut water can help with hangovers, but after tasting coconut water I'd rather just have the hangover. 

A few of my coworkers were presented with some very well-deserved awards in recognition of all their hard work over the past year (ex. Employee of the Year). And while I'm extremely happy for them and appreciate all they do, this page is called Last Place Trophies so I absolutely felt it necessary to make a little something to highlight my own achievements. I am proud to announce that I have recognized myself for being an Employee. 

I came across this person on Twitter. Regardless of political affiliation, I cannot imagine having so little personality that when asked to tell someone about yourself the description you give is predicated on your feelings for a specific politician. Get a hobby or something at that point, damn. 

I took a pretty hard bump to the head at hockey last night. Looking at some of the symptoms for concussions, however… -Headache -Confusion or feeling as if in a fog -Delayed response to questions -Appearing dazed -Fatigue -Irritability -Sleep disturbances -Psychological adjustment problems and depression 
It would appear that I’ve just been living concussed for most of my life. 

I don't know why they wrote a whole article for this. Let me sum up: Hard no. 

I don't know how long I'll be able to milk this but for the time being every time my wife seems less-than-thrilled with whatever dumb shit I'm doing, I just look at her blankly and say, "I'm concussed." 

I swapped out my self-presented Employee award for another motivator. 

I keep hearing about this coronavirus in the news and all I can think is that it sounds like it would go well with lime. 

Today the receptionist at the chiropractor's office told me that she didn't recognize me because I was wearing a hat. I now 100% understand how nobody knew that this guy was Captain America. 

Breakfast could be interesting... 

Now we get to brace ourselves for February; a cold, gray, miserable month.  The good news is that I get an excuse to spend an entire day watching the classic Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day on repeat.  The bad news is that February always feels to me like that movie except without all the personal growth.  Catch you next month. 


Wednesday, January 1, 2020

December 2019 Joke Round-Up

     I usually compile these joke round ups the night before I post them. Thankfully, despite the fact that I’ve settled down into a super mature family man, I’m still not lame enough to spend New Year’s Eve writing a blog post. However, I am quite sleepy this morning and have a headache so I hope the 3 people reading this will forgive any typos or errors they find. December brought about the 6 month mark of me annoying the hell out of my wife, nearly eating dog treats and learning the secret to iced coffee. So, here are some jokes.

A gym in my town is encouraging people to buy gym memberships to give out to others as gifts. I'm pretty sure if somebody gave me an unsolicited gym membership for Christmas I would punch them right in the mouth and then eat an entire ham while standing over their prone body.

My son really enjoys getting to hang out with the grown ups because it makes him feel like a big kid, so he’s started asking if some of my friends can come over and play Xbox. You better believe that I’m taking full advantage of this to hang out with my friends and do some gaming.

“Sorry babe, I’ll just have to do the yard work another time. Henry wants me to play video games with my friends and I’ll be damned if I’m going to disappoint the boy.”

My wife's family has a Rob Your Neighbor gift exchange at their annual holiday gathering. This year the gift I brought to it was a coloring book, crayons and a 6-pack of beer; the idea being that you chug the beers and then try to keep your coloring inside the lines.

I'm not just giving things, I'm giving experiences.

Today at work I got in trouble for doing arithmetic.

There's no punchline to this. Apparently the real joke is my continued existence.

As a recently married man, one of my new favorite games to play around the holidays is "Don't Get The Mail Today Because One Of Your Gifts Is Being Delivered." Followed closely by, "Don't Tell The Kids What I Got For Mom Because They're Snitches."

The battery on my Illumibowl is getting low, which is indicated by LED light flashing quickly several times when it first turns on. What this really means is that for the past week when I've gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom it's like I'm peeing in a rave.

Keeping things spicy with the wife.

Tomorrow is 6 months since I got married. This is just another day of me annoying my wife.

Modern problems require modern solutions.

My son started throwing shade before the sun was even up today.

At my wife's family Christmas today we played a game called Telestrations After Dark, which is like a risque combination of Pictionary and the schoolyard game Telephone. I ended up having to draw a picture to try to get my mother in law to guess the phrase "double penetration." So...that's how Christmas went.

On today's episode of Facepalming: I watched a bunch of rural midwesterners argue over which one of a handful of nearby small town Mexican restaurants with identical menus was "most authentic."

Bonus: one person claimed to be an expert because they were "from the southwest" and had superior tastebuds. They established dominance in throwing down their opinion on the most authentic... still ignoring the aforementioned identical menus.

I hope later I can watch them argue over which Olive Garden has the most authentic Italian food.

All I'm saying is that they need to label these packages more clearly.

Honestly, I'm just really mad that there needs to be instructions to explain to people that the secret to iced coffee is combining ice and coffee.

Well, it is a new year, but I don’t plan on a new me because that seems like an awful lot of work and a new me might be even worse at making inappropriate jokes. So, expect the exact same me that you’ve come to know and tolerate.


Sunday, December 1, 2019

November 2019 Joke Round-Up

                Well November is gone.  Looking back on the month, I got an early start on my holiday binge-eating and winter bulking.  Honestly, after this month there should never question it when I put on a little weight; we should all be more surprised that I’m not twice the size and suffering from a heart condition.  It should also be considered that since I did no grooming on my beard this month due to No-Shave November, a lot of these garbage food concoctions I threw together spent a little bit of extra time hanging out in my mustache.  I am truly a disgusting human being.  So, here are some jokes.

I did my yearly full face shave so that I can do No-Shave November and because I like to just periodically get a fresh reset on my facial hair. I gotta say, it is really impressive how much ugly I'm able to hide behind my beard.

I need to finish up leftovers in the fridge and I wanted to be efficient about it.

At one point while out trick or treating last night a car pulled up alongside our group, held an orange bowl out the window and asked us if we wanted any candy. I am well aware that this is the exact scenario that we warn kids about....but I wanted that candy.

A lot of people say that they're bad cooks or can't cook. The real secret to being adept in the kitchen is that you can't be afraid to experiment and break some rules. #FridgeCleanout

I think my biggest gripe with my business administration degree is that college didn't teach me some of the real world strategies I've seen used in the workplace like "nitpick your most productive staff members."

It's possible that we need to look into a dietary change for our daughter if she's pooping herself out of her shoes...

I hate that it gets dark so early. The kids are having some friends over for sleepover and I was surprised that they were still awake and going strong when it's so late. But it's only 7:30...

The Amazon Echo in our house got confused by too many people simultaneously shouting instructions at it. It made a fart noise then sang "And many more!" My life is complete.

This is why I struggle to eat healthy. Eating bastard combinations of unhealthy foods is so much tastier.

Just so we're clear.

Canadian TV personality Jess Allen made some comments about how, in her experience, hockey fans/players are not nice and are bullies.
In response, I've seen hockey fans calling her bitch, cunt, cow, ugly etc.
With reactions like that, I cannot imagine where she would have gotten the idea that hockey fans aren't nice.

To the lady at Walmart who gave me a dirty look when I told my daughter "No shit, Sherlock": Mind ya business.

"We're fast children." – Abby

I'm so dumb that I changed my profile picture on my personal account and then got confused when I saw posts and comments that I knew I had made with a different picture next to them.

Don't wait to see what kind of day you'll have, choose to have the day you want.

Somebody keeps playing country music at work. I can't fathom why anyone would go out of their way to make a work day even more unbearable. I assume they also like to purposely give themselves paper cuts before making hand-squeezed lemonade.

Life Pro Tip: Pie is an acceptable breakfast food as long as it's fruit-based.

I also added some hot sauce to give it the ol' razzle dazzle.

I see a lot of people making posts with pictures showing how much they've changed over the last decade. I didn't want to be left out.

"Nothing hurts dead people."
A very astute, though morbid, epiphany my son had tonight while playing video games with me.

We're putting up the Christmas tree today to a highly festive soundtrack of 90s pop hits. The kids are confused, but I think Aqua's "Barbie Girl" is a great way to set the mood for the holiday season.

My dog is really into this movie.

Overheard this conversation at work:
Coworker 1: "Do you need a nightstand box for anything?"
Coworker 2: "A nice sandbox?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A sandbox?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A nightstand?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A nice sandbox?"
I walked away so I don't know if there was ever any resolution to this.

This morning when I woke up the power was out in the house and the kids, who are always up early playing and making a ruckus, were abnormally quiet. Rather than attributing the power outage to the storm outside, my first thought was, "Shit, what did the kids do?" I suddenly understand so much about what I put my dad through...

                Tomorrow I get to trim up the rat’s nest on my face back into a respectable looking beard.  Then I’ll continue eating like the human garbage disposal that I am.  And maybe I’ll watch a little bit of TV and see my doppelganger urging people to call the Addiction Network.  Or perhaps I'll look for a nice sandbox.