Tuesday, September 1, 2020

August 2020 Joke Round-Up

 Well damn, August is over and that means we’re creeping ever closer to the worst time of the year where everything is cold and stupid with limited hours of sunlight and too many things are flavored with pumpkin spice.  What happened this past month?  Well, I got a little political.  I put some perspective onto the fact that my jokes will never make me any money (guess I better find a side hustle that actually pays).  I also got way too excited about my new fitness tracking watch & app.  And I got to indulge in some wings while also taking a hardline stance on what does and does not qualify as a wing. 

 

8/6 

My stress level this morning while working with the kids on the intro to 3rd grade workbooks we got them vs. my average stress level gives a fantastic visual of representation of why teachers deserve respect. 


 

 

8/7 

Honestly, there are some days I wish those of us with more than 2 brain cells would have kept quiet when Trump suggested injecting yourself with bleach to fight coronavirus and just let nature take its course on the population. 

 

8/8 

I know some content creators use things like Patreon or OnlyFans to earn a little bit of income off their work, but I can't get people to even read my jokes for free. 

 

8/8 

I ate a whole mess of wings for dinner last night. My sleep tracker shows exactly when the consequences of my actions caught up to me. 


 

 

 8/13  

I went hard at dinner last night... 


 

 

8/15 

Decided to have a few drinks tonight but wanted to make sure I logged them in my food tracking app that I use with my fitness watch. These Busch Lights are my evening snack. 


 

 

8/16 

Every time I tell my wife she's beautiful she responds by making a face like she just took a big spoonful of Vitameatavegamin. 


 

 

8/17 

I'll have to eat one for science and report back on the flavor. 


 


8/23 

Fact: nobody gets more offended about everything than the people who are constantly whining about how offended people get over everything. 

 

8/26 

Part of personal growth is learning to be honest with yourself. To that end, I think a lot of people out there need to admit that boneless wings are just chicken nuggets. 

 

8/28 

Honestly, my number 1 goal as a parent is to have my kids grow up unfunny because they didn't have sufficient emotional trauma to necessitate developing a sense of humor as a coping mechanism. 

 

8/29 

I don't know who needs to hear this, but the cashier at the grocery store (or any retail/service employee) does not give a fuck about your political opinion. They're literally just being polite until you go away so they can keep collecting a paycheck. 

 

8/30 
I love how overly optimistic my fitness watch is. It'll give me a notification that says, "you've been inactive for 3 hours" as I lay around on the couch but as soon as I take 20 steps to go to the bathroom it pops up with, "great work, you're back on track!" 

 

Very shortly here the bulk of my life will be spent in my yard cleaning up after those 5 fucking sweet gum trees I mentioned in a previous post.  Depending on how that goes, I might just collapse into a yard waste bag and call it good.  We’ll see. 

 

Ryan 



Saturday, August 1, 2020

July 2020 Joke Round-Up

What happened this past month?  Well, I dove head first into a new job with much better employers, so that’s pretty neat.  I added to the pile of evidence suggesting that I’m a bumbling idiot of a husband.  I lost all patience with how absolutely stupid people are with all the conspiracy theories surrounding the pandemic.  And I entertained my entire neighborhood with my grass-cutting skills.  So here are some jokes. 

 

7/1 

Today I needed a pretty good length of coaxial cable. I went to my box of randomly assorted electronics cables that I've been keeping for years and found exactly what I needed. I'd say that's encouragement enough to never get rid of that collection. #Vindication 

 

7/6 

In regards to the pandemic, there's a lot of people who need to get back to work & socializing simply because with this extra time at home they've stumbled upon some dumb ass conspiracy theories and don't have enough brain cells to realize the things they're sharing make no sense to anyone that hasn't been eating lead paint chips. 

 

7/6 

My wife got a weird sunburn on her back and (being supportive as usual) I told her she looked like a Jamaican beer. 

 

7/7 

Old job: "Eh, you've been here for 5 years, idk if we really know enough about you to trust you to work from home." 

New job: "Yo, we've known you for like an hour and you're on a 90 day temp stint? Take this computer home with you. And you should have 2 monitors for it because lol why not?" 

7/8 

I submitted my resumĂ© on a job posting for a Bilingual Operations Manager. ¿Por quĂ© no? 

 

7/9 

Every January I go to a chicken wing festival. While I've already had a handful of concerts and events I was looking forward to get canceled due to COVID, that's the big one. That's my breaking point. If America can't collectively get its shit together and deal with this pandemic by then because a sizable and woefully stupid chunk of the population has decided to politicize a virus, I'm gonna lose it and end up like a real life origin story for The Joker. 

 

7/9 

All I'm saying is if the neighbors don't want me to serenade the entire neighborhood with every ska/punk song of the 90s and 00s that I know, then they should chip in to hire someone else to mow my lawn because this is how I get shit done. Otherwise, just enjoy the show. 

 

7/9 

I finished mowing the grass and my shirt was almost completely soaked with sweat, which is still less than I sweat from dancing at every wedding I go to. Because I love to cut a fuckin' rug. 

 

7/10 

I burnt my bacon this morning because I had to step away from the kitchen to help my kids with their math workbooks. I hope they appreciate how much I sacrificed for them. 

 

7/10 

Wife: "I really wanna go to that produce stand. Do you know what the hours are? Or if it's any good?" 

Me: "Do I look like someone who frequents a produce stand?" 

Wife: "Just thought you might have seen something on Facebook." 

Me: "I guess it does kinda look like I'm smuggling a watermelon under my shirt..." 

 

7/13 

If I'm being honest, this pandemic and all the conspiracy theories popping up during it have not changed my opinion of anyone. I haven't seen people that I previously considered intelligent and measured in their thinking sharing anything ridiculous that has made me disappointed in them. Really, it's just outed the people who I already suspected of being kind of stupid but who had formerly at least been wise enough to keep their mouths shut. 

 

7/14 

Netflix has been around for 22 years now. That's over 5 times as long as the Confederacy existed and without all the racism. 

People should be celebrating their Netflix heritage. 

7/15 

"I'LL NEVER SHOP AT WALMART AGAIN." - Person who will 100% be in there next week wanting to buy a rotisserie chicken at 8:15 a.m. 

 

7/17 

Today is my amazing wife's birthday. I managed to call her the wrong age, not because I forgot how old she is but because I always use my own age as a reference for hers and I forgot how old I am. #HusbandFail 

 

7/19 

When I see people constantly sharing Qanon conspiracy bullshit and routinely referring to what they're sharing as FACTUAL. 

 

 

7/20 

I told my kids they could get on their tablets after lunch, so Henry made himself a PB&J at 9:30 in the morning. #Schemer 

 

7/20 

Not trying to brag, but it takes some skill to skank a lawnmower around the yard. #SkaLife 

 

7/22 

Yesterday, Twitter banned thousands of accounts linked to Qanon conspiracy theorists. 

Not unexpectedly, the crowd of mush-brains that believe this stuff pointed to the removal of these accounts as "proof" that the conspiracies were true, which makes me assume that they also think blood-letting and keeping the four humors in balance are still relevant medical knowledge since references to black bile have been removed as a prominent feature of medical textbooks these days. 

 

7/28 

Cashier at the grocery store: "How are you today?" 

*my brain trying to figure out if it wants to say "I'm good" or "Not bad"* 

Me: "Not good!" 


7/28 

Just another in a long line of struggles with having 2 first names, I am listed in the directory at work as Rick Rick. 

 

 

7/30 

Literally just learned that the lyric in Semi-Charmed Life is "And the four right chords can make me cry." I always thought it was "And a four-eyed girl can make me cry." Legit thought this dude was singing about doing meth with a girl who wears glasses for my whole life. 

 

7/30 

The name's Rick. Rick Rick. 

 

I’m sure that I haven’t seen the last of the world screwing up my name by a longshot, but as long as it keeps giving me joke-fodder, I’m all about it.  Next month is supposed to be the return-to-schooling date and I’m sure I’ll write some jokes to keep myself from crying, so keep checking in. 

 

Ryan