Saturday, January 26, 2019

The Kids Are Alright: 7 Ways Kids Are Tiny Drunk People

                A lot of my stories on this blog have revolved around drunken shenanigans by either myself or others.  So, you could say that I have a lot of experience in dealing with drunk people.  And surprisingly enough, all of those experiences have really helped me in being a pretty okay dad (I actually have both a mug and a trophy that say “Best Dad” but I’m pretty sure my kids just have crazy low standards).  My family actually seemed really surprised at my ability to step into the role of parenthood, but I swear on my life it is almost identical to just putting up with the drunken bullshit that I’d been dealing with for years.  So how are my kids exactly like tiny drunk people?  I’m glad you asked.

1.       They Have Limited Motor Skills
Look, I love the little goobers but these kids are clumsy as hell.  They’re constantly walking into stuff, falling down, and just generally finding new and exciting ways to hurt themselves.  I would not trust them to carry a bowl of soup across the room. Hell, I don’t trust them not to knock over a cup of milk sitting on the table.  Just like how I don’t trust drunk people to walk properly and not spill shit all over themselves.  I developed a 6th sense for knowing when one of my drunk friends was in danger of falling into a drunken heap and covering themselves in nacho cheese and that sense has translated well into handling kids.

Every day looks like this at some point.

2.       They’re Always Hungry (Especially for Garbage Food)
My kids’ favorite phrase in the entire world is “I’m hungry.”  I’ve mentioned before that I have to be super sneaky about my snacking habits because if I’m eating something they will inevitably eat it.  I’d always been under the assumption that you eat more when you’re going through a growth spurt, but these kids haven’t stopped eating and they are still short as shit.  Usually, they’ll say they’re hungry and ask for candy or snacks, to which I’ll say no and offer them a sandwich or something healthy thinking that I’m being clever, but they’ll just fucking eat that, too.  Also, the combination of their constant need to eat combined with the aforementioned poor motor skills means just like a drunken friend, I have to clean up macaroni when they’re done.
No that’s fine, just leave that there.

3.       But They Can’t Get Food For Themselves
The constant hunger wouldn’t be so bad if they were able to fend for themselves in some way.  But just like my drunk friend trying to cook a pizza in the sink, or the other one putting hash browns in the toaster oven and then passing out, I know that if I expect them to make their own food they will either starve or burn my fucking house down.  And I’m definitely not going to let them drive to McDonald’s because that would be terribly irresponsible.

If you don’t use your blinker, you’re grounded.

4.       They’re Disturbingly Sticky
Why? Did they spill something on themselves?  Is it a little bit of vomit? Is it marinara sauce?  Where did they even get that from? What else did they get it on? How much do I have to clean up?  How the hell did it get on the ceiling too?  They’ve stepped in it and tracked it all over the place too.  I would make them clean it up themselves but they’d just make it worse and it needs to be cleaned up before it starts to smell.  This is terrible.

Googling a picture to go with talking about stickiness was slightly troubling.

5.       They Lose Everything
J          Just like that friend who has lost their wallet, keys, phone and self-respect, kids also have a way of losing every possible item that is not stuck to their inexplicably sticky hands.  They lose things that confuse you as to how they even managed to get through all the steps required for them to lose the item.  I’m not sure how they managed to lose their sock without taking off their shoe, or where the entire sandwich they were just handed went to, but I am reasonably sure that I will find them both in the couch cushions next week.

6.       They Won’t Just Go The Fuck To Sleep
The thing about both kids and drunk people is that they can both be a lot of fun right up until they’re not.  At a certain point of being the parent of either a child or a drunk person, you’re exhausted with the entire process and it’s time for them to go to bed because they’ve gotten to the point where they are cranky and destructive.  And in both cases, despite all of your pleadings about how they need some sleep so they can feel much better, they simply will not pass out because they still have so much wanton destruction left to accomplish.

I am willing to pay you money to just lay down for like 10 minutes.

7.       Unless You Need Them To Be Awake
Of course if you need them to be awake for any sort of reason, whether it’s because you have things to do you, or because you’re in a public place, or because you need to get them into a car and don’t want to lug around dead weight, they are the most asleep that any human being has ever been before.  And now you’re desperately pleading with them to wake up and walk under their own power or at least give you some assistance so you don’t have to fireman carry them out of the bar.

How much has he had to drink?

                While I’m sure in some ways this article makes me seem like a very angry person about all of this, the truth is that being a dad has been a pretty darn rewarding experience so far for me and I’m glad to do it, even if sometimes their behavior gives me flashbacks of looking after #Knuckles.  If I hadn’t been the responsible(ish…I have plenty stories of my own) drunk out of my friends group, I probably would’ve taken a lot longer to figure all this shit out.   They’ve still got 14 years before their 21st birthdays, so I’m hoping there’s gonna be some sober years in there before they start acting drunk all over again.  Either way, I’ll be ready for it.


Tuesday, January 1, 2019

December 2018 Joke Round-Up

                That’s it, the month of December is over and with it that means 2018 is also over.  So with the beginning of 2019 come all the new beginnings of any other arbitrarily assigned date that you may have chosen to celebrate the fact that you’ve made an entire revolution around the sun.  Aside from the fact that in 2019 I’ll be getting married, for most people it’ll probably be pretty similar to every other year.  If you were an asshole in 2018, you’ll be an asshole in 2019.  If you were a sadsack in 2018, you’ll be a sadsack in 2019.  I was hilarious in 2018, so I’m gonna go ahead and be hilarious in 2019 too.  In keeping with that, here are the jokes.

Not sure if this is fire code or superstition.

The kids are putting on a music program at school tonight. The note sent home says suggested attire is "Sunday best" but we usually all hang out in our pajamas on Sundays, so...

It's great if you have a disco ball as your dining room light fixture.

Safety first?

Band merchandising has gotten out of hand.

My fiancée and I adopted a dog a couple of days ago. Since he's new to our home, he has had some expected struggles with accidents in the house. And I've learned the valuable lesson that when he is in the midst of an accident you should not panic and shout "NO" or you will startle the pup and cause a tornado of shit (a Shitnado) inside the house.

So, a couple of radio stations decided to stop playing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and a lot of people are very (unreasonably) angry about that because apparently, they are not aware that you can just buy music to listen to whenever you want, regardless of its status on radio playlists. As for me, I support any station/organization/entity that opts not to play that song. In fact, I suggest we take it further and just stop playing all Christmas music. Christmas music sucks. There’s only like 14 songs that have just been re-recorded ad nauseam and then blasted on repeat for a month and a half every year. “Thriller” is a great album. “Appetite for Destruction” is a great album. “Abbey Road” is a great album. And I couldn’t listen to any of those fantastic albums on repeat for that many consecutive days. If you want to listen to a single album’s worth of shitty songs on repeat for 45 days straight, then get some earbuds and go nuts you freaking psychopath.

Last night my fiancée and I discovered that a jug of bleach in our laundry room closet had been leaking. We had to clean it up, but I’m still confused as to whether it was more clean before or after we did anything.

I threw up at work today but "My Hero" by the Foo Fighters was playing on the store radio at the time so I felt pretty cool.

Last night, despite being under the weather, I played one of the best hockey games of my life.
Remember that episode of Friends when Phoebe thinks her sick voice sounds better than her regular voice so she keeps actively trying to catch germs from people in order to stay sick and keep her sick voice? That's me now.

When gingerbread goes horribly wrong.

I have found that the secret to Christmas cheer is starting the day with hot cocoa and Rumchata.

Santa brought the kids Super Smash Bros. Ultimate this year because apparently he wants dad to lay down a beating on them with Captain Falcon.#ShowYourMoves

Can't take credit for this one; a friend snapped it to me. But this was hilarious to me.

Since I shared one snap sent to me by a friend, also gonna share this picture my fiancée sent me ages ago that I find hilarious as well.

                So there you have it, the last jokes of the previous year.  Looking forward I plan on continuing to do exactly the same shit as I’ve always done.  I’ll even have a new article posted this month because I want to start off on the right foot before massively disappointing everyone.  Stay tuned.