Friday, December 1, 2017

November 2017 Joke Round-Up

An eventful month.  I examined my own parameters for the aging process and wrote a lot of jokes about my girlfriend’s kids because kids are really just like tiny drunk people, which means they’re a never-ending fountain of new material.    Enjoy re-reading this month’s jokes.

Halloween decorations are so much better than any other holiday. Nobody puts mangled, disembodied heads on their Christmas tree.

The day that I stop sprinting up stairs two at a time will be the day that I'm officially old.

Maybe the GOP's resistance to even talking about any sort of reasonable gun control is part of their plan to tackle unemployment. Surely, placing private security at every school, church, grocery store, laundromat, restaurant, etc. will create more jobs in America.

There's probably Doritos and Mountain Dew back there.

Me to my girlfriend every time I do even the smallest task around the house.

Just passed by a group of ladies with 'let me speak to a manager' haircuts, walking out of Old Navy and asking each other "So, where do you want to get a cocktail?" What's the over/under on how many hours of their lives they've spent watching Sex and the City?

Is there some rule I'm not aware of in clothing stores that says when you're done looking at something you have to throw it on the floor? These people are fucking savages.

They probably licked the muffin they left whole, too.

Found out something new about my girlfriend's taste in music. The kids were making a shopping list and asked her how to spell corn; she started with a K.

One cool thing about having kids is that people stop judging you for using Batman band-aids on cuts, even though you actually picked them out for yourself.

The kids are pretending that they have a recipe book but don't quite understand what a recipe is so they're just naming foods like, "This is the recipe for bacon. Here's the recipe for a peach."
The sad thing is, I I know grown-ups who actually need that much help in the kitchen.

The bar/coffee house I was at the other night had balcony seating. I was half expecting Statler and Waldorf to heckle me while I drank.

My girlfriend got out of the shower and began excitedly telling me about an idea she had. "Wouldn't it be great if there were a towel that you could wear so that.... damnit, a robe. I'm describing a robe. Nevermind."

Sometimes when I'm with my friends we'll get each other's attention from across the room and give one another the finger.
Sometimes when I'm with the kids we'll get each other's attention from across the room and stick our tongues out at one another.
And sometimes the wires in my brain get crossed and I have to catch myself a split second before I accidentally flip off a child.

As the kids were cleaning their room, Henry came out and said, "I wish there was like a vacuum that would pick up our toys for us."
Pretty sure I've heard that idea somewhere before...

Jokes from a 6 year-old.
Henry: "Knock knock."
Me: "Who's there?"
Henry: "Shh."
Me: "Shh who?"
Henry: "Ryan is stinking up this whole planet."

Somehow, the kids got it into their heads that the way they're supposed to pray is to kneel on the floor, make a cross with their arms and just shout "pray, pray, pray" repeatedly.
Incidentally, it has exactly the same effect as any other form of prayer. And it definitely wasn't going to resurrect the dead snail they were trying to bring back to life.

I don't want to run for public office, but I do want people to have signs in their yards showing their support for me. I think it would be a nice ego boost.

See you next month!


Wednesday, November 1, 2017

October 2017 Joke Round Up

                Looking at this month, it looks like I found some helpful parenting tips, ruined someone’s wedding and reflected on a 24 year-old commercial.  Here are the jokes.

If you ever needed a solid argument for why our country needs better school funding, just look at the comments section for any online news article.

I hope I'm wrong about this one.

Either way, it works splendidly.

Parenting Pro Tip: do not let kids have a blue sucker right before nap time because seeing a passed out child with blue lips is terrifying.

For the rest of my life, I will always know who shot Alexander Hamilton because of a Got Milk commercial I saw in 1993.

Looking back at my Facebook memories each day makes me feel like I owe a sincere apology to anyone who knew me before the age of 25.

Making the best of things.

I know women complain about the lack of pockets on their clothes. They also seem to hate guys' cargo shorts, which have literally all the pockets ever. I have to assume that it's not because of style, but because they're jealous of our pocket game.

#WeddingProTip: Ladies, if you're not sure what dress to wear to a wedding to avoid matching the bridesmaids, white is typically a safe bet.

Apparently, when "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" is played at a wedding, it is not proper etiquette to slide out on the dance floor in socks and underwear. #LiveAndLearn

My last 2 jokes were a hit with people named Dustin.

Any time I have homemade burritos it makes me consider getting a job at Chipotle for like a week just so I can learn how to actually fold a burrito.

Last weekend, after reading the book to them, I made green eggs and ham for the kids. And while that is a fun thing to do, the real fun comes later on after all the green dye has worked it's way through their digestive systems and they come out of the bathroom with questions.

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement: she thinks we shouldn't dress up when we take the kids trick or treating, but I think I should wear my Michael Jackson costume door to door with them.

Conversations with a 6 year old.
Me: "Do you know what your Captain America shield is made of?"
Henry: "No."
Me: "Vibranium."
Henry: "I think it's plastic."

                With any luck, the inherent stress of the upcoming holiday season will parlay into me channeling my frustrations into more jokes; that and Amazon Prime are about the only things that keep me from beating people down with Tonka trucks in the Walmart checkout line.


Sunday, October 1, 2017

September 2017 Joke Round Up

                Interesting month to look back on.  I started off a little political, got in a lot of pictures (including the always appreciated reference to Cool Runnings), reaffirmed my hatred of Fall and people named Blake, and stumbled upon a dick-measuring contest at work.  These are jokes.

When I see people argue that Nazis were socialist because of their name, I have to wonder what they think of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. And of The Cheesecake Factory.

Last week, after my credit card was declined at the grocery store, I checked my account to see a fraudulent charge for $167 at Jimmy Jazz. I immediately got on the phone with my bank's fraud department and gave them an earful. You'd think that after tracking my purchase habits for the last 5 years they'd know better than to think that me buying urban streetwear is more likely than me buying 7 frozen burritos.

If you don't instinctively refer to every sequel as "(Title) 2: Electric Boogaloo" then I'm just really not sure how we can even be friends.

I just need to know who is spending their time converting bears to Christianity.

I know I may seem like I'm totally cool, suave and composed at all times, but you should know that properly working Excel functions make me giddy.

This reference is only like 4 months late.

I surprised my girlfriend with tickets to see the Foo Fighters for our anniversary. She felt it necessary to inform me that me excitedly running out of the room to grab the tickets from their hiding spot was initially taken as me running out of the room to take an urgent dump.#TheMoreYouKnow

Today I managed to accidentally slice open my finger with a pair of child safety scissors#NeverTellMeTheOdds

I'm sure this is an artistic impression of something....

Every sci-fi/horror/disaster movie has a team of like 5 experts in their field and then 1 regular dude that is tossed in because he either grew up in the area, or can cook, or his grandpa funded the expedition, etc. And today I came to the sad realization that I'm not even qualified to be the regular dude in those situations. Hell, Ernie Hudson joined the Ghostbusters for no other reason than the fact that he was just a guy looking for a job. I'm not qualified to be Ernie Hudson.

Conversations with a 6 year-old.
Me: "Abby, did you eat cookies for breakfast?"
Abby: "Yes, but they were so nummy."
Me: "I understand that struggle."

Really concerned about what was being measured in the men's room.

Last night, to the surprise of everyone on my hockey team, I scored 2 goals in quick succession. Immediately afterwards, I overheard the other team's captain telling his team that they needed to make sure to cover me, which worked out really well for us because as they were wasting coverage on me, the actual good players on my team were able to get open and make plays. #DiversionaryTactics


Stop rubbing it in, Facebook! #FallSucks

Don't ask why I was looking at candles online, but for $500 this candle better be the size of a beer keg and have the same relaxing properties as Ambien.

Was on the sidelines of a 5k run this past weekend. Thought I'd take it upon myself to turn the race into an obstacle course.

Does anyone else have those people that you don’t know personally but can identify by name simply because you always see them leaving stupid-ass replies on your friends’ posts? Checking the comment section like, “Alright, let’s see what fucking Blake said now because I know it’s gonna be dumb. Glad that asshole isn’t my friend.”

There are so many things wrong with this. Gobbles up too much drawer space? How big of a pizza cutter are they using? Is that why this person's pizza cutter cost $23? Because all the ones I've found cost $5-$12, but maybe I'm just looking at the wrong size. Who the hell is cutting their pizzas with kitchen shears? Because you're wrong and you should be reminded of that constantly. Why don't you eat spaghetti with a garden trowel so you can save money and drawer space on forks, too? And pizza cutters being rarely used? Step off, you don't know how I live my life.

My girlfriend asked me to send her a bunch of pictures that I took of her and the kids playing at the park. In the midst of the 20 or so pictures I sent, I included this one of the team from Cool Runnings just because I thought it was a good one.

                Some people, you know they say they don’t believe. Thanks for reading!


Friday, September 1, 2017

August 2017 Joke Round-Up

                Well, shit, there goes August.  I found out that the people around me are perverts, that dog toys and sex toys look uncomfortably similar, and that flat-earthers are exactly as stupid as I’d imagined.  Here’s some jokes.

Today's social experiment was to put R.E.M.'s "Shiny Happy People" on repeat at work to see how many plays it took before the listeners being subjected to it ceased to be shiny happy people. 
Turns out it's 8.

Apparently, the word they were looking for was "vegan" but I felt like my answer was solid.

My girlfriend and I are building an outdoor playset for her kids and I was put in charge of getting the lumber for it because she knew I'd appreciate the chance to make endless jokes about how I got wood.

If it came down to it, I think I'd choose leaves over 1-ply. And I'm pretty sure, as a guy who recently had to shit in the woods, my opinion holds some weight.

Was a little concerned that my doctor was either practicing some seriously old school anesthesia techniques or thought he needed something to take the edge off before slicing into my foot.

This Mexican restaurant has live entertainment in the form of a dude in the corner playing guitar. He just played "Comfortably Numb" and I cannot even begin to express how disappointed I am that he didn't play it mariachi style.

See, I'ma tell you like Wu told me

Not sure how uncomfortable I'm supposed to feel about seeing this in my buddy's living room.

I'm surrounded by perverts.

On top of all of the obvious reasons that Nazis are literally the worst kind of scum, there is the rarely talked about impact they've had on fashion. First, they ruined the Chaplin-stache forever and now they've ruined white polos.

Just making sure nobody can read his hand.

I made the mistake of going out of my way to see what flat-earthers thought about the eclipse yesterday. Because sometimes I need new and exciting ways to be disappointed in humanity.

Have you ever accidentally dropped a crumb on the table at lunch and then go to retrieve and eat it (because you're not about wasting food) only to inadvertently put a previously-dropped crumb from an unknown source in your mouth, forcing you to then make the tough decision to either chew through the uncertainty or just spit it out? Asking for a friend.

Kahla: "Why is it that every time a natural disaster happens, the news finds the most redneck, hoosier people possible to interview?"
Me: "Tornadoes hit rural areas and hurricanes hit the south. That's the bulk of their populations."

Hurricane Harvey has been very aggressive. But the relief efforts have also been very aggressive. There's a lot of aggression on both sides.

                I was just lamenting to my girlfriend how I have an entire list of articles that I haven’t written because I’m a bum.  I promise that I’ll write them at some point, but I refuse to put a date on it because then I’ll feel like I’m drowning in obligation.  So there’s that.


Tuesday, August 1, 2017

July 2017 Joke Round-Up

                Another month gone.  After having a less-than-stellar joke-telling month last month, I followed it up with a bit of a joke-telling Renaissance this month.  And I managed to create some good visual jokes this month, too.  Thankfully, my last joke of the month had no visuals with it…

The other night while out watching a local band, one of the band members mentioned that he was a recovering alcoholic who was 5 years sober. To this, some guy in the audience shouted "You know what they say, rehab is for quitters!"
Now, I'm no stranger to controversial jokes, but the trick to telling bad jokes (which I like to think I'm a bit of an expert at) is to make sure your timing doesn't make you look like a douche-canoe.

In an unexpectedly fortunate turn of events, nobody I know is getting married during the time that I've been rehabbing my torn calf muscle. Which is great, as I'm well aware that there's no way I could resist cutting a fuckin' rug and I really don't want to have to explain to my doctor that the reason I'm not getting better is because I had to break it down to "Billie Jean."

Now that I've combined the Squatty Potty with a LumiLux motion sensor toilet light, I'm pretty sure that I have the Cadillac of shitters. Or at the very least it's that tricked out Skyline from "2 Fast 2 Furious."

I think most antique malls should just be called Garbage Stores.

Came across this guy in a bathroom. Had to keep my guard up.

Bathrooms at public pools make me uncomfortable because the floor is always soaked and I can't be sure of the source of the suspiciously warm wetness.

While having lunch yesterday I overheard an older lady at the table next to us ask the server if his 3 children were all from the same mother and if he was married to her. The server politely responded that they were and he was, to which the lady said, "That's good, I feel very strongly about family values."
Were it me, just to fuck with her I would have said, "No they're all from different mothers. And they're all bi-racial." I think it would have been worth not getting a tip.

Yesterday at physical therapy they had me hopping on alternating feet to work out/test the strength of my calf. So I'm happy to report that I'm officially cleared to play hopscotch again.

There's a Gatorade bottle in the bathroom trash can. I feel like this can only mean that one of my roommates considers their body's fluid levels to be a zero-sum game.

Serious question: if Donald Trump gets his transparent border wall built, exactly how many seconds will elapse before someone presses their bare ass/junk up against it? Taking wagers now.

My girlfriend insists that turkey bacon counts as real bacon. And I insist that she knock off her bullshit.

Seriously, my girlfriend prefers turkey bacon over real bacon and pancakes over waffles. It's like she thrives on disappointment.
Must be why she dates me.

I think when someone says they've decided to go vegan, what they're really saying is, "I've grown tired of having good food in my life."

Last night, I dreamt that Donald Trump narrowly avoided hitting me with a golf cart and then, angered that I didn’t thank and praise him for not hitting me, he fired me from my job. Worried about how I would make ends meet, I went down the street and was hired on the spot at Wal-Mart with no application or job description given and immediately put into orientation, which was interrupted by my (now former) boss stopping in to note that he was upholding Trump’s firing of me and to ask me to hand over the projects I was working on with a promise that my employment “would be re-evaluated when everything settles down.” This was all capped off by a realization that my new (imaginary) job training caused me to miss my (real life) appointment to get my vehicle serviced, because apparently dream-Ryan is still very concerned about real-Ryan's tire rotation.
Will be checking my apartment for a possible carbon monoxide leak.

You're basically paying for the name with these beets.

Thought for a second that these people had a pumpkin growing...

One year ago today my girlfriend and I went on our first date; and I hate to admit it, but it was to see the Ghostbusters reboot. I didn't want to see the movie but she was cute and actually talking to me so I figured, "Eh, I'm sure this isn't the only bullet I'll have to bite for this chick."

I made the mistake of taking my girlfriend's vehicle to Wal-Mart. Just spent 10 minutes aimlessly wandering around the parking lot looking for my car.

This is the gas situation literally every time I get in my girlfriend's car. Not sure how anyone can willingly live this close to the edge all the time.

KFC gave me 2 forks with my Famous Bowl. So either they think I'm not a fatty and will be sharing with someone (wrong!), or they think I'm such a pig that I need 2 utensils so I can stuff my face faster.

Last night, after being out of commission for 7 weeks due to a torn calf muscle, I got to play hockey for the first time since my injury. Today, everything is sore except my calf. I guess that means all those weeks of physical therapy worked.

This chair placement raises a lot of questions. And makes me uncomfortable.

Went on a nature hike this morning after eating a questionable amount of hot wings last night. Not sure if bears shit in the woods, but found out that I do.

                I’m pretty lucky on 2 accounts: first that I’ve been in my relationship long enough to start making some solid relationship jokes and secondly that I’m still in my relationship after shitting in the woods.