Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Bye Bye Bachelor Pad: How Life Has Changed Since Moving In w/ My SO

It’s been 6 months since my fiancée and I moved into the house we bought together.  Just in case anyone doesn’t know, prior to that I lived in an apartment with roommates for 7 years and before that I lived with my dad.  So, needless to say (but I’m gonna say it anyways because it ups my word count and I go into every article like it’s a school essay), my life has changed a bit.  And I could just leave it there, but boy that would make this a really shit article and despite the fact that I’m rather rusty, I am not that terrible at writing (I think).  So, let’s get into some specifics about how my life is different these days.

1.       I Don’t Do Dishes/Laundry Anymore
Don’t get me wrong, I still wash dishes and throw clothes in the washer and dryer.  I don’t want anyone to think that I’m some lazy asshole who pawns all of this work off on my fiancée.  But I no longer “do” the dishes or laundry because to do them would imply that at some point they will be done; that I will have achieved a state of done-ness.  This is not the case.  With 2 grown adults and 2 kids all contributing to the excess of dirty clothes and dishes, this is a never-ending task. Dishes and laundry are never completed.  They are never done. They are a universal constant. They are eternal.  They simply are.  I never do the dishes and laundry anymore, I merely co-exist with them.

Pictured: My Life

2.       I’m a Sneaky Snacker
When I was on my own, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted at any time of day or night.  Not so much anymore because me opening the refrigerator is like a dog whistle to 2 little gremlins/children/walking garbage disposals in the house.  Just as I’m about to take a bite of the last donut, here they come both asking for it.   Open up some chips, and next thing I know one of the kids has absconded with the bag.  The other night I was counting the minutes until bedtime because I wanted to eat a cookie without being harassed.    The positive to this whole thing is that sometimes I forget that I even wanted a snack, which I believe has improved my eating habits overall.  This may actually be how I stick to a healthy diet.

This doesn’t seem like the worst idea…

3.       I Don’t Have to Fight for the Bathroom
Living in an apartment with 1 bathroom for 3 people had exactly the kind of troubles that you’d expect.  There were actually times when either myself or one of my roommates would walk down the street to the gas station because we just couldn’t wait any longer for whoever was tying up the bathroom. Now I’ve got 3 bathrooms shared between 4 people.  It’s amazing!  I can poo in peace and on my own schedule.  I’m essentially living in the lap of luxury.  The one caveat to this is that I typically don’t get to pick which bathroom I get to use because my fiancée doesn’t appreciate the fragrance that emanates from the bathroom when I’m in there and the effect that it has on adjacent rooms in the house.  So the downstairs bathroom is essentially my own personal Dookin’ Dungeon.

Getting this bad boy installed next week.

4.       I Have No Idea How Much Toilet Paper Is Left
This is a problem that arises from the fact that I now have more than 1 bathroom. See, when you only have 1 bathroom, you can keep all the toilet paper in that one bathroom and every time you change the roll, you know how much is left.  Now that I have 3 bathrooms, the toilet paper is kept in a centralized location (the hall closet) and rationed out to each bathroom as needed.  At any given time, I may know how much TP is left in one bathroom, but there may or may not be any backup supply in the hall closet to portion back out if needed.  Now, I’m not really one for living dangerously, so I cannot shake the feeling that I’m headed for disaster with this, but I will say that my fiancée is pretty on top of this whole situation and I think that is a great quality in someone I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.

5.       There Are Blankets FUCKING EVERYWHERE
This may come as a bit of a surprise, but I actually kept a relatively tidy bachelor pad at my apartment.  I’m not a neat freak by any stretch of the imagination, I just have a few habits like putting my wallet, keys and phone in the same place all the time so I don’t lose them, not leaving out food because I don’t want bugs, and trying to keep some semblance of organization in my clutter.  For instance, while I may have had a random assortment of papers, coasters, remotes and gaming controllers on my coffee table, I never left anything on the sofa or on the floor in the living room.  In my apartment I had a shelf in the laundry room where I kept extra blankets and pillows.  In the house we store our blankets wherever they fucking fall.  Seriously, it’s like we threw a huge party and instead of confetti we just had blankets raining from the ceiling.  Or that we built a blanket fort city in our house but then a hurricane rolled through and destroyed it all and now we’re looking over all the blankets scattered about and telling each other “We will rebuild.”  I don’t even know where all these blankets came from, but the kids are usually building a fort or spreading one on the floor for an imaginary picnic, my fiancée is typically wrapped up in one like a burrito because she is cold forever, and I am usually strolling through the house with one draped over my shoulders like a cape and pretending I’m a benevolent king presiding over my people because fucking whatever, sometimes you just gotta enjoy life instead of worrying about the blankets that are mysteriously multiplying in your home.

My kingdom in its former glory, before the Hurricane Fleece swept through the land destroying everything.

                I could probably go on for a while about ways in which my life has changed from being a single dude in an apartment with no kids to being an engaged man living with his fiancée and 2 kids in a house that they bought together, but 5 items is a good place to stop a list.  And since I’ve heavily struggled with writing any new articles for like the last….ever, I’m going to try to save some ideas to hopefully parlay into even more new posts.  Maybe.  I hope.  I do think it’s important to note, though, that as different as things may be in my life now, I wouldn’t change it for the world.


Saturday, December 1, 2018

November 2018 Joke Round-Up

               As far as months go, November was one of them.  I’m still dealing with the after-effects of Henry barfing in the car.  I found new and exciting ways to embarrass myself in front of family on Thanksgiving, I actually wrote a new article for the first time in forever and I got to teach the general public a little something about jizzed up mattresses.  Anyways, here are the jokes.

The kids got really good remarks from their parent-teacher conferences, so I let them pick what they wanted for dinner. They picked McDonald's. I'm gonna need them to either start liking salads or start doing poorly at school if I'm going to maintain healthy eating habits.

On the one hand, it’s definitely nice to see so many people proudly voting today as they post their “I voted” selfies on Facebook. On the other hand, there are a few of these people that I wish would have just stayed home because I don’t trust them to tie their own shoes properly, let alone make an educated decision about the governance of a country. #MixedFeelings

I've reached a point in my life where making conversation with someone involves just talking about how tired we both are.

We have an alarm on our refrigerator that is supposed to let us know when someone forgets to close the door all the way, but what it really does is alert the entire house of when I'm gorging myself on leftovers after everyone else has gone to bed.

In my excitement over the Bohemian Rhapsody movie and my love for Queen, I opted to dress as Freddie Mercury to go see the movie. This meant shaving off my beard.
I have learned in no uncertain terms that this is not a face my fiancée could grow to love.

Personally, I think the most important thing that Catholicism has contributed to humanity is the movie Sister Act.

We were playing Jackbox and I had to assure my fiancée that the game had no idea what it was talking about.

The real winners of Monopoly are the people that run out of money first because they don't have to spend the next several hours playing Monopoly.

Last night after getting their teeth brushed and pajamas on I told the kids to go to bed. Abby started crying because she was too tired. I have some serious concerns about her problem-solving skills.

Wanted to use this frame I had to put out a family picture at work. Now my family consists of me, Abby, Henry and Iron Man apparently.

The kids wrote a story about me. I feel...loved?

*kids come running into our room and jump on our bed at 7 a.m.*
Me: "Geez, I was hoping to sleep in and relax this morning."
Abby: "Not today!"

My family is coming to mine and my fiancée's house for Thanksgiving today. It's the first time my family has ever celebrated the occasion at my place and I'm pretty sure it's because they expected me to serve a dinner of pizza, hot dogs and ramen.

Going the extra mile for my family.

A little over a month ago I had some old friends over to the house and we were playing the new Jackbox Party Pack 5. One of the games on the pack is called Patently Stupid and if you've never played it before the premise is that you are given a bizarre, player-submitted problem and you have to come up with a ridiculous invention to solve that problem. During the game one of the prompts sent to me was "I wish I could get drunk faster" so, like any rational person would, I drew a beer being poured into a beer bong that was inserted into a butt. And I gave this product a completely appropriate name. Yesterday, Henry gave the following drawing to my dad and step mom as a suggested Christmas gift for me.

On days when it warms up a little and the sun beats down on my windshield, the smell of Henry's vomit makes a triumphant return in my car. It's pretty much the only thing that's ever made me appreciate the colder temperatures of winter and fall. Because of that, I can only assume that people who enjoy those seasons must have had someone puke in their car, too.

Something that I think many people don't know is that the warranty on their mattress is voided if there is any discoloration or staining on it. In accordance with this, we have to inspect every mattress return at work with a handheld blacklight to insure that we get credit from the vendor. Those of us who regularly have to use it affectionately refer this blacklight as Ol' Jizzy.

                I have actually been (somewhat) diligently working on a couple more new articles for this blog and I can absolutely guarantee that at least one of them will be posted midway through this month.  Stay tuned.


Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Pants Party

If you’ve followed me for a while, it’s no secret that I hate fall.  There are plenty of good reasons to hate fall, but it can all be summed up by this: fall is a bullshit season with bullshit weather.  “But Ryan, *insert bullshit reason why fall supposedly doesn’t suck even though everyone already knows that fall is garbage*.”  Okay, first of all, you’re still wrong.  And secondly, that’s not even what this is about so stop having fake arguments in your head, Ryan.

What this post is actually about is jeans.  Inevitably, during this time of year there will be people prattling on about how excited they are to wear jeans and a hoodie.  But why?  And why are people so excited about wearing jeans on “casual Friday”?  Jeans are not comfortable and I cannot figure out why people think they are.

Part of it, I think, is that people confuse casual with comfortable.  I mean, jeans are certainly casual, there’s no denying that (unless you’re at a wedding near where I live, because inevitably you will see some redneck in his dress jeans), but comfort is not something I’d associate with denim.  In fact, jeans weren’t even designed to be comfortably, they were designed to be durable.  So you’re misappropriating their use!

And I say this while also fully admitting that I am a person who owns multiple pairs of jeans, but if I’m wanting comfortable pants my dress pants are actually more comfortable than my jeans.  The only caveat to that is that I usually have to wear nice things to go along with my dress pants; the shoes and shirts associated with my dress pants are less comfortable than the shoes and shirt I wear with jeans.  Is that everyone’s problem?  Jeans just get lumped in with comfort by being the least comfortable part of a casual outfit?

Circling back to my initial reason for writing this, I do get quite annoyed when people are excited for fall because they “can’t wait to wear jeans and hoodies.”  Fuck that! The shorts and t-shirt I wear in summer is comfortable as all shit.  Why would you be excited to put on less comfortable clothing?  This is a world where people are constantly sharing social media posts saying “I CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE MY PANTS AND BRA OFF AS SOON AS I GET HOME!”  I’m not sitting in my living room in a comfy t-shirt thinking, “FUCK, I SHOULD PUT ON A TIE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ROCK!”  Is there someone sitting in their yard wearing some nice, freeing, comfy ass flip-flops thinking, “Yeah, this toe freedom is nice, but some snow boots would be dope right now”?  Outside of ridiculous stock photos, are there people who just absolutely love laying around the house in jeans rather than some sort of actually comfortably attire?

Look at these fucking losers.

Meanwhile, while society is lauding the (imaginary) virtues of jeans, you know what’s really getting unnecessarily shit on? (Side note: this would be a good time to note that you should not shit on or in your pants. Or anyone else’s).   Cargo pants/shorts. It’s dumb, it’s awful and it’s not fair that this absolute godsend of a trouser catches so make flak while people extoll the virtues of jeans.  Seriously, look at any sort of article about men’s fashion and you’ll see some obvious know-nothing talking smack on cargoes. 

Firstly, cargo shorts/pants are often khaki, which means firstly that they’re more comfortable denim and secondly, that they’re a neutral color so you can essentially just wear them with anything and it’s probably not gonna clash (don’t go 100% on that because I am by no means a fashion icon, just a dude that loves him some cargo pants).  And of course, most importantly, the pockets.  Do you know how much stuff I can carry in all those pockets?  All the stuff.  In fact, I’m almost positive that every single article written by someone shit-talking cargo pants/shorts is someone who is just jealous that they have to carry stuff in their hands like a fucking animal instead of putting them in all those glorious pockets like an intellectually advanced member of society. 

I once fit an entire 12 pack of beer into the pockets of my cargo shorts, then climbed a tree and sat up in that tree drinking those beers from my cargo pockets.  And I did it in absolute comfort.  When I’m at a concert and I buy merch or at a hockey game with a free giveaway item but don’t want to hold my swag all game, I just put that shit right in my cargo pockets then my hands are free to flip the bird at all the chumps who either didn’t think ahead or were shunned by society into not wearing cargoes.  I so firmly support cargo pants that I wore them in my engagement pictures and not only did they look fantastic and feel super comfy, but I carried all of mine and my fiancée’s stuff in them, too.

My fiancée wore jeans because she has bad taste.  Also why she chose to marry me.

As you can see from the picture, we had our engagement shoot during the fall, which I fucking hate.  So the only things that allowed me to smile for these pictures in the midst of such an awful season were the amazing pair of trousers I was wearing and the amazing woman I got to take the pictures with. 

Just to further stress my point, I made a very scientific scatter chart.
Fig. 1: Extremely Scientific

Now, as you can see from this, if you’re wearing dress pants typically at work, the logical step for casual Friday is to give up a bit in the way of public opinion for noticeably more comfort than jeans.  And of course, as I’ve already covered, fuck the public’s acceptance of cargoes because they’re wrong and they should feel bad.  Now, if you’re really looking to balk at what the public finds acceptable, you could always go with one of the choices in the upper left area.  I do think it’s worth noting that I put nude as less comfortable than pajama pants because that little bit of fabric can protect you from cool breezes, hot car seats or even bee stings.  I definitely would not recommend the banana hammock, as it offers neither comfort nor public acceptance.

At the end of the day, all I’m trying to say is that if you like jeans more than khaki cargo pants, then you’re just absolutely wrong.  And this is the hill I will die on, because I keep all the reasons why I am write in the numerous pockets of my comfortable pants.


Thursday, November 1, 2018

October 2018 Joke Round-Up

                 Boy, this month started out slow with the jokes.  I was having a rough go of it.  Seems like I finally remembered how the hell to write a joke in the last half of the month though.  Lot of inspiration from the kids this month, despite the fact that late in the month I realized I’m a failure as a parent.  I tried to give away one of the kids even before he puked in the car.   Anyways, here’s the jokes.

Tonight we went out for dinner at the pub & eatery where I spent the better part of my 20s. Henry passed out in his chair. So proud that he's following in his daddy's footsteps.

Watching my son wander around the classroom aimlessly when his Cub Scout pack was told to break off and form small groups brought back some stressful school memories. I felt that in my soul.

Personally, I find the Supreme Court to be a misleading name because it doesn't even have peppers and mushrooms on it. Lot of sausage, though.

I bought some chocolate cookies with brownies inside and holy shit. Forget flying cars, this is the future we've all been waiting for.

Sometimes I put toilet paper down on the toilet seat in my own house, not because it's dirty but because I don't want my butt to be cold. #Confession

My eating habits have gotten a little bit healthier since moving in with my fiancée. For instance, I used to make popcorn every night. Now I almost never make it; not because I don't want popcorn but because I don't want to share it. #Confession

My fiancée and I have talking about getting a dog and what kinds of dogs we would want. I definitely don't want a Great Dane, but could probably handle an Okay Dane.

I hate fall and this poll sucked so I fixed it.

Because puppies don't look like Danny DeVito.

The kids are working on homework for their music class. I'm digging those facts.

When I was in elementary school I played an orphan extra in the high school's production of Oliver Twist. This morning I danced through the house singing "Consider Yourself At Home." The fact that my brain has held on to these lyrics for 20 years now is why I can't remember important shit.

Recently, I’ve been doing some unhealthy binge-eating brought on by a combination of stress and my need to cope with the depressing pile of garbage that is Fall. Unsurprisingly, I weighed myself the other day and was at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was so upset about this that I ate cookies for breakfast.

I was waiting in line for the bathroom at this concert and there was a guy right in the middle of the bathroom mean-mugging me and doing what I can only describe as "aggressively drying his hands." I don't even know what's happening.

My fiancée gets really concerned about food safety and how long leftovers have been in the fridge or food items have been left sitting out. I, on the other hand, don’t worry much about it because of my many years of living the bachelor lifestyle. However, I never give any questionable items to the kids because I know they have lower fortitude saves.

There is a set of train tracks in between my work and my house. And I swear that no matter what time I try to go to lunch I get stopped by a train. It really derails my lunch plans.

Pretty sure that every parent who has watched their child struggle to put on a coat has, if only for a brief moment, worried that they may be raising an idiot.

So the kids go to a Christian after-school program (not by choice, it's what was available). And sometimes they come home with activities they've done based on bible stories. Today, Abby brought home this picture she drew of a decapitated corpse. #LetUsPray

Was getting ready to watch the Blues game tonight and Henry asked "Why do we always have to watch hockey?" So, if anyone knows of a good home for him to go to, let me know. He's relatively tidy, kinda quiet, decent grades, bit of a picky eater. If no takers, I may just pin a note to his shirt and drop him off at the grocery store. #IHaveFailedAsAParent

I cannot emphasize enough how badly I need Facebook to implement an eyeroll react.

We use my Xbox to watch Netflix at home and now the kids have started regularly referring to me by my Xbox Live Gamertag.

Got together with my fiancée's family today to do some pumpkin carving. Guess which work of art is mine.

Yesterday my fiancée and I took our engagement pictures. Thanks to a combination of hangover and whatever illness is currently spreading around, I was able to remind her exactly why she made the right decision in choosing to marry me: by puking into a bush mid photo shoot.

My son threw up in the car a couple of days ago and, despite multiple cleanings, the smell is still persistent. I’ve taken to Google to look up remedies for this situation and I’ve seen suggestions of using a bowl of vinegar or a box of baking soda. Not sure if these will actually take care of the smell or if the internet is just trying to trick me into making a volcano.

                Hopefully the smell goes away by the time I write my next joke round up.  I did try both the baking soda and vinegar, then used the opportunity to make a volcano anyway after it failed to rid my car of the stench.  I definitely got more enjoyment out of it than the kids did.  Let’s all try to have a great November despite the fact that I’m sure every retail establishment has begun playing Christmas music on repeat already.


Monday, October 1, 2018

September 2018 Joke Round-Up

                So, this month was fun.  I had 3 weddings to go to, one of which I was the officiant for, which is why I will now find every opportunity to refer to myself as Reverend.  And let me just say, I was really really good at officiating the wedding; I only messed up one time by accidentally referring to the bride as a man and it was totally cool because the laughter made everyone stop crying, so…win?  Anyways, here’s jokes.

Place is lit.

*showing the kids a close-up picture of Saturn*
Kahla: "Do you know what planet this is?"
Henry: "Venusaur?"
Kahla: "No, it's your favorite planet."
Abby: "Legoland!"
At least we won't have to pay for college.

I just saw a commerical for Maruchan ramen noodles on Food Network.
1. Who thought it was a good idea to juxtapose a guy making seared ahi tuna and grapefruit-molasses reduction with an ad for cheap ass noodles?
2. I never knew ramen noodles had commercials, I just thought everyone bought them because they're something you can eat for 15 cents.
3. How many millions of packs of ramen do they need to sell to make back what they spent on that commercial?

I was woken up early this morning by the kids posted up outside our bedroom door making fake fart noises. I ran them off and chastised them, so hopefully they understand now that if you're gonna wake somebody up with farts, they damn sure better be real ones.

Sometimes when I get a little stressed or anxious my phone lets me know not to worry.

I do weekly football picks with some family and friends. I try to make topical names for my pick set and this year I took my inspiration from a jaunty tune by Justin Timberlake.

In high school I had an English teacher that didn't know what irony was.
I wish I could show this to her.

I was out at a friend's wedding last night and I feel terrible today. Not because I drank too much. No, it's because I danced too hard. #Footloose

I like to start off my showers with comfortably warm water and then gradually increase the temperature until I could potentially host a crab boil.

Tomorrow I will be officiating my friend's wedding. I made myself a notebook for it.

Now that I've officiated my first wedding ceremony since getting ordained, I'm henceforth going to refer to myself as Reverend.

I see a guy at the park wearing a #1 Dad shirt. I think that means I have to fight him.

Super helpful label.

I'm so desperate for hockey season to start that I watched the movie Face/Off this weekend just because the title sounds hockey related.

Fact: As an ordained minister it automatically carries more weight if I say "Bless you" when you sneeze.

I'm really not a fan of the fact that cumin and cinnamon share many of the same letters and a similar color but have wildly different tastes and uses. Because it seems like, hypothetically, someone who isn't totally paying attention could possibly accidentally grab the wrong one from the cabinet and ruin my own fucking dinner.

My job entails me traveling between the different retail locations of our company. We refer to that as "floating." I'm a floater. I'm the company turd.

Current project: trying to convince my fiancée that our wedding vows should be a rap battle.

My very scientific examination of current events.

Abby wants to be Dorothy from Wizard of Oz for Halloween. I suggested that instead of carrying around a little dog with her, she carry a speaker that just plays "Africa" on repeat.

What an awesome way to end the month, with a nod to a fantastic song.  See you next month.


Saturday, September 1, 2018

August 2018 Joke Round-Up

                August is over and that means we are ever closer to the absolutely garbage season that is fall.  In this, the last full month of glorious summer before we start the death spiral into most bullshit time of year, I had some crazy dreams, I made probably too many Star Wars references and I reaffirmed the universal constant that I am a fat kid at heart.  Here are jokes.

My fiancée got a ukelele for herself so she could learn to play. Looks like the soundtrack for the rest of my life is gonna be Train's "Soul Sister."

I wanna go fast.

Watched Dr. Strange with the family this evening. Abby ended up not liking it because she thought I said we were watching Dr. Suess and she didn't see a single cat in a hat.

What is the appropriate waiting time before eating your kids' leftover mac & cheese in the fridge? Asking for myself.

Occasionally, I have dreams where I'm fighting people and wake up throwing kicks or punches.
Last night, I had a dream that there was a murderer in my house and I had to stop them. I woke myself up about 3:30 in the morning with some serious sleep-karate and in the flurry of blows I unfortunately managed to catch my sleeping fiancée in the jaw.
I feel absolutely terrible about it, but I'm also slightly concerned that she may have been the murderer.

While driving the other day I saw a girl walking down the street in gray camo pants and a black tank top and I had to do a double take because for a split second I thought one of the Bushwhackers was just strolling through town.

Just being super mature over here.

One thing I enjoy about being a parent is that I feel like I didn't get to repeat myself enough before and now I get to practice saying the same thing over and over again in an increasingly frustrated tone.

Last night I dreamt that I was at a pretty swanky all-you-can-eat buffet and dream me was pretty pumped about it. I was next in line to pay for my meal and commence to pigging out when my alarm went off. On the one hand I was upset that I didn’t get to enjoy the dream buffet, but I’m also glad the alarm went off before I paid so I didn’t end up wasting my dream money.

The kids have gotten really into cooking challenge shows lately. So much so that the other night they were having an imaginary Kids Baking Championship at the kitchen table. They took turns pretending to put ingredients together while the other one was the judge and timekeeper. Despite the fact that, since it was all imaginary, they could at any time declare their creations complete, Abby got really mad that Henry was counting too quickly and she wouldn’t be able to finish her cake in time. Conversely, Henry also was upset when Abby told him that his imaginary cake wasn’t good enough to send him to New York.

I was so worried about getting the kids' lunches together for school this morning that I left my own lunch sitting on the counter. Lame.

I found the old "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" computer game available to play online. I failed my first 2 cases by chasing the wrong leads and then failing to obtain a warrant. I don't know how 11-year-old me ever managed to rise above the rank of Gumshoe, but he's making 31-year-old me look like a chump.

Last weekend I went on a bachelor party trip for one of my friends. This is the only picture of me from the weekend.

Some dummy on the internet got into an argument with me and then decided to make rude comments about my fiancée. #GotEm
"Just because fleshlights are shown in advertisements doesn't mean you're married to a model."

I heard that a good way to combat conspiracy theories is to counter them with even more outlandish theories. I have taken that to heart.

One of my favorite things about doing dishes is playing a little game I like to call, "Oops, I Guess That Wasn't Dishwasher Safe After All." I'm really good at it.

Henry asked me to play with his new Star Wars Lego set with him. I take this very seriously.

Keeping with the Star Wars theme, I was teaching Henry to bullseye womp rats. Sadly, we didn't have a T-16 to do it from.

There is a cricket chirping non-stop outside my window and I'm seriously considering going out there to yell at it to shut the hell up because he's a sadsack who will never get laid.

                So in a few weeks we’ll play the yearly gamble of seeing if fall makes me curl up into a ball of quiet despair or makes me start rage-writing a bunch of bitterness-fueled jokes.  It’ll be fun! Stick around.