So, I mentioned in my previous post that a girl asked me out and then subsequently shot me down. And because I assume you have been anxiously waiting to hear this saga of ridiculousness, I figured I should go ahead and get it out of the way. To the girl who this story is about: No hard feelings and I mean no disrespect, but you have to realize how ridiculous this whole situation is. I don’t even think she reads this blog (which is probably part of why things didn't work out), but I have to walk a fine line with sharing the ridiculous stories of my life and not hurting anyone’s feelings.
The whole thing starts off innocently enough. The girl is someone that I’ve known for several years through another friend, but we never really spoke much outside of wishing each other happy birthday on Facebook or running into each other once a year at our mutual friend’s birthday party. From here on out in the story, I will be referring to the female in question as “Girl.” Well, after one such birthday party, Girl sends me a message saying we should go out sometime. I find this to be awesome. Really, this is a huge boost to my ego and at this point I’m strutting around my apartment feeling pretty sexy and full of myself (fuck you, I don’t get asked out much, let me enjoy my moment in the sun). A few days later we go out on a date.
I thought the date went pretty well, but what the fuck do I know? And the reason I say that is because a couple of days later when I asked her on a second date she stalled for a while before finally telling me she’s not trying to date anyone. Just wanna be single and focus on me,” WHICH IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE SHE’S THE ONE THAT ASKED ME OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE! For real, I know that’s just a line that you use when you don’t want to go on a date with someone because I’ve used that line before (this may be karma). But I’m a grown up, I’ve faced rejection before and it was only one date so I’m not letting this bother me. I do the most grown up thing I can think of and respond with, “That’s cool. I was just trying to grab some dinner.” With that, I went about my life content with our friendship status returning to its previous form: wishing each other happy birthday and seeing one another at get-togethers with our mutual friend; maybe we’d occasionally talk more, but there are many levels of friendship with various frequencies of communication and she’s on a starter-pack at the moment so I’m not trying to see at what point Verizon revokes my Unlimited Text plan due to me talking to her constantly.
It would seem that she did not have the same ideas on friendship and communication because as soon as I was okay with returning to our aforementioned friendship level, she began blowing up my phone, which is weird to me because unless you’re close to me, I don’t just text people for no reason; I will send my good friends random bullshit, non-sequiturs and occasionally texts that only say “poop,” but again, she was no on that level so I was caught off guard by the constant barrage of texts from her. She kept texting me and hounding me about hanging out again for a while after that and I was always busy because, despite what an awkward and terrible person I am, I actually have a pretty full social schedule. One night in particular, I was on my way to a concert and I got yet another text asking when we were going to hang out. I sent back a slightly spiteful but (in my opinion) mostly funny response that said, “I’m trying to focus on myself and my comedy right now, but I’ll definitely send you an invite when I make it on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.” Admittedly, this was probably not the best way to diffuse the situation but I can’t recall a time when I ever have taken the best course of action in any situation, so it was pretty much par for the course. Her response to this was to say, “Damn, okay. Talk about getting shot down,” WHICH I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY SHOT ME DOWN FIRST.
Okay, I take that last part back because I did feel kinda bad about it. I genuinely don’t like hurting peoples’ feelings, despite how much of an asshole I may seem like (so, again, if the person this story is about happens to be reading right now, I want to reiterate that I mean no harm, you’re a wonderful girl and I know you’ll find a great guy that totally isn’t me). Anyways, because I did feel bad, after the show ended I sent her a text saying, “That wasn’t supposed to be rude or anything, but to be fair, you totally shot me down first. I’m cool with hanging out as friends sometime but I’ve got a lot going on right now in my schedule so I’ll have to give you a rain check.” It seemed like she took that well, as she followed it up with 12 text messages apologizing and telling me that she would stop harassing me about hanging out and that I should just let her know whenever I feel like getting together sometime. All in all, it would seem like things would turn out alright.
My self-congratulatory feelings of success didn’t last long, as with literally no pause I continued to be inundated by message after message from Girl, including quite a handful of requests to get together again because apparently she has no idea what she’s doing or what she wants, but that’s not my fucking problem; I don’t have time for that. I respond to her a little bit, but again, we’re not great friends or anything so I’m not trying to maintain constant communication with her. Like for real, she turned me down after I was (in my opinion) awesome on that date and then completely forgot about the fact that she turned me down. We’re all a little crazy but most of us make a concerted effort to hide that shit from other people until they’ve invested too much time in us to just walk away from our stupid, crazy asses. Girl was taking a decidedly different approach by getting a whole bundle of craziness out right from the get go and hoping that I was totally cool with it; I wasn’t cool with it.
Fast forward a few days to that weekend. Girl is texting and snapchatting me again. She sends me a picture of some bar that she is at with some caption that was clearly not memorable in the least. I send back a picture of Knuckles and myself (because sometimes I’m so desperate for a friend that I hang out with my roommate). Her response is to say something complimentary along the lines of cute/awesome pic or something; you get the idea. And because it’s me and I freely range between self-confidence and self-loathing, I send back, “Well yeah, of course. I’m in it.”
That was apparently the wrong response, or possibly the right one because it was at that point that she decided I was an arrogant piece of shit. She sent back “cockiness is SO not attractive.” Well, good news: I don’t care what you find attractive because you already turned me down and I have already moved on with my life. In keeping with my previously established themes of having moved on with my life and a totally-not-abusive relationship with alcohol, I sent back a picture of the cocktail I was drinking and said, “Alcohol still likes me.” At this point, I’m not trying to be mean, but this obnoxious scenario has been playing out for a few weeks since the original date and subsequent snubbing, so my patience for the whole thing is wearing just a bit thin. I’m also kind of naturally a smartass/jokester (as you may have noticed on this lovely blog that I maintain), so I didn’t feel like I was acting in any way out of the ordinary from what I usually do. With that being said, I can now tell you that her next message asked me what I was doing, and since I’d already sent her a picture of me and Knuckles hanging out and a picture of an alcoholic beverage, I thought what I was doing was pretty self-explanatory so I sent back a picture of my smiling face with the caption “Fun things.”
Let me reiterate that I don’t think I said anything inherently assholeish or out of the ordinary (maybe my every day personality is assholeish?). But at this point she was totally done with me. She took offense to that last message (of my SMILING face) and sent back, “Well since you’re being rude and seem annoyed to talk to me, I won’t talk to you anymore. Bye.” Now, I try not to go out of my way to piss people off, so I did feel a little bad that I had upset her, even though it wasn’t intentional. On the other hand, for the first time in several weeks, I had some sweet relief from the unnecessarily high number of text messages that I had been receiving from a person who was supposedly not interested in me. It’s also worth mentioning that our mutual friend also told me that Girl texted her letting her know that she was “so done” and “over me” because I’m “just cocky and rude.” So, it was also nice that a solid month after turning me down she finally had decided that she didn’t like me.