Monday, October 19, 2015

Second Date or Nah?

                So, I mentioned in my previous post that a girl asked me out and then subsequently shot me down.  And because I assume you have been anxiously waiting to hear this saga of ridiculousness, I figured I should go ahead and get it out of the way.  To the girl who this story is about: No hard feelings and I mean no disrespect, but you have to realize how ridiculous this whole situation is.  I don’t even think she reads this blog (which is probably part of why things didn't work out), but I have to walk a fine line with sharing the ridiculous stories of my life and not hurting anyone’s feelings.

                The whole thing starts off innocently enough.  The girl is someone that I’ve known for several years through another friend, but we never really spoke much outside of wishing each other happy birthday on Facebook or running into each other once a year at our mutual friend’s birthday party.  From here on out in the story, I will be referring to the female in question as “Girl.”   Well, after one such birthday party, Girl sends me a message saying we should go out sometime.   I find this to be awesome.  Really, this is a huge boost to my ego and at this point I’m strutting around my apartment feeling pretty sexy and full of myself (fuck you, I don’t get asked out much, let me enjoy my moment in the sun).  A few days later we go out on a date. 

I thought the date went pretty well, but what the fuck do I know?  And the reason I say that is because a couple of days later when I asked her on a second date she stalled for a while before finally telling me she’s  not trying to date anyone.  Just wanna be single and focus on me,” WHICH IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE SHE’S THE ONE THAT ASKED ME OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE!  For real, I know that’s just a line that you use when you don’t want to go on a date with someone because I’ve used that line before (this may be karma).   But I’m a grown up, I’ve faced rejection before and it was only one date so I’m not letting this bother me.   I do the most grown up thing I can think of and respond with, “That’s cool.  I was just trying to grab some dinner.”  With that, I went about my life content with our friendship status returning to its previous form: wishing each other happy birthday and seeing one another at get-togethers with our mutual friend; maybe we’d occasionally talk more, but there are many levels of friendship with various frequencies of communication and she’s on a starter-pack at the moment so I’m not trying to see at what point Verizon revokes my Unlimited Text plan due to me talking to her constantly.

It would seem that she did not have the same ideas on friendship and communication because as soon as I was okay with returning to our aforementioned friendship level, she began blowing up my phone, which is weird to me because unless you’re close to me, I don’t just text people for no reason; I will send my good friends random bullshit, non-sequiturs and occasionally texts that only say “poop,” but again, she was no on that level so I was caught off guard by the constant barrage of texts from her.  She kept texting me and hounding me about hanging out again for a while after that and I was always busy because, despite what an awkward and terrible person I am, I actually have a pretty full social schedule.  One night in particular, I was on my way to a concert and I got yet another text asking when we were going to hang out.  I sent back a slightly spiteful but (in my opinion) mostly funny response that said, “I’m trying to focus on myself and my comedy right now, but I’ll definitely send you an invite when I make it on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.”  Admittedly, this was probably not the best way to diffuse the situation but I can’t recall a time when I ever have taken the best course of action in any situation, so it was pretty much par for the course.   Her response to this was to say, “Damn, okay. Talk about getting shot down,” WHICH I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY SHOT ME DOWN FIRST.

Okay, I take that last part back because I did feel kinda bad about it.  I genuinely don’t like hurting peoples’ feelings, despite how much of an asshole I may seem like (so, again, if the person this story is about happens to be reading right now, I want to reiterate that I mean no harm, you’re a wonderful girl and I know you’ll find a great guy that totally isn’t me).  Anyways, because I did feel bad, after the show ended I sent her a text saying, “That wasn’t supposed to be rude or anything, but to be fair, you totally shot me down first.  I’m cool with hanging out as friends sometime but I’ve got a lot going on right now in my schedule so I’ll have to give you a rain check.”  It seemed like she took that well, as she followed it up with 12 text messages apologizing and telling me that she would stop harassing me about hanging out and that I should just let her know whenever I feel like getting together sometime.  All in all, it would seem like things would turn out alright.

My self-congratulatory feelings of success didn’t last long, as with literally no pause I continued to be inundated by message after message from Girl, including quite a handful of requests to get together again because apparently she has no idea what she’s doing or what she wants, but that’s not my fucking problem; I don’t have time for that.  I respond to her a little bit, but again, we’re not great friends or anything so I’m not trying to maintain constant communication with her.  Like for real, she turned me down after I was (in my opinion) awesome on that date and then completely forgot about the fact that she turned me down.  We’re all a little crazy but most of us make a concerted effort to hide that shit from other people until they’ve invested too much time in us to just walk away from our stupid, crazy asses.  Girl was taking a decidedly different approach by getting a whole bundle of craziness out right from the get go and hoping that I was totally cool with it; I wasn’t cool with it.

Fast forward a few days to that weekend.  Girl is texting and snapchatting me again.  She sends me a picture of some bar that she is at with some caption that was clearly not memorable in the least.  I send back a picture of Knuckles and myself (because sometimes I’m so desperate for a friend that I hang out with my roommate).  Her response is to say something complimentary along the lines of cute/awesome pic or something; you get the idea.  And because it’s me and I freely range between self-confidence and self-loathing, I send back, “Well yeah, of course.  I’m in it.”

That was apparently the wrong response, or possibly the right one because it was at that point that she decided I was an arrogant piece of shit.  She sent back “cockiness is SO not attractive.”  Well, good news: I don’t care what you find attractive because you already turned me down and I have already moved on with my life.  In keeping with my previously established themes of having moved on with my life and a totally-not-abusive relationship with alcohol, I sent back a picture of the cocktail I was drinking and said, “Alcohol still likes me.”  At this point, I’m not trying to be mean, but this obnoxious scenario has been playing out for a few weeks since the original date and subsequent snubbing, so my patience for the whole thing is wearing just a bit thin.  I’m also kind of naturally a smartass/jokester (as you may have noticed on this lovely blog that I maintain), so I didn’t feel like I was acting in any way out of the ordinary from what I usually do.  With that being said, I can now tell you that her next message asked me what I was doing, and since I’d already sent her a picture of me and Knuckles hanging out and a picture of an alcoholic beverage, I thought what I was doing was pretty self-explanatory so I sent back a picture of my smiling face with the caption “Fun things.”

Let me reiterate that I don’t think I said anything inherently assholeish or out of the ordinary (maybe my every day personality is assholeish?).  But at this point she was totally done with me.  She took offense to that last message (of my SMILING face) and sent back, “Well since you’re being rude and seem annoyed to talk to me, I won’t talk to you anymore.  Bye.”   Now, I try not to go out of my way to piss people off, so I did feel a little bad that I had upset her, even though it wasn’t intentional.  On the other hand, for the first time in several weeks, I had some sweet relief from the unnecessarily high number of text messages that I had been receiving from a person who was supposedly not interested in me.   It’s also worth mentioning that our mutual friend also told me that Girl texted her letting her know that she was “so done” and “over me” because I’m “just cocky and rude.”  So, it was also nice that a solid month after turning me down she finally had decided that she didn’t like me.


Monday, October 5, 2015

Singled Out

                Typically, when I write my posts I have an idea of where I want to start off, where I want to end and maybe a few points I want to make along the way.  This one is a little bit different.  I have an extremely vague idea of what I want to talk about and a glass of whiskey next to me so I feel like this is the best possible scenario for a freely flowing train of thought that may or may not contain bits of hilarity (probably not).  As I hope to have cleverly implied with my titular reference to a 90’s MTV dating game show, this post will be dealing with dating problems and being single.

Also, because I’m a big fan of Chris Hardwick.  In spite of this.

                One of the interesting things about being single is that a lot of people seem to be under the impression that you’re not aware that you’re single, or that you don’t at least have some basic level of regret about relationships that didn’t work out.  Now, in all honesty I’m not really bitter about being single and I don’t consider myself to be desperate (but maybe desperate people just don’t think they’re desperate).  If anything, I’m actually kind of picky when it comes to women and part of that is because any woman that I date has to be okay with the fact that, if things go well between us, Knuckles will be living in our basement when we’re married (feel free to refresh yourself on Knuckles).  Well, that used to be a requirement for my dates, but recently Knuckles has gotten a girlfriend so at this point it is more likely that I will be living in his basement.   Let me spell this out in the bluntest way that I can: I am the only single roommate in an apartment that includes Knuckles.  I am the lame roommate now.  When somebody coined the term “clinical depression” this was the exact scenario that they envisioned.

The inspiration for this actually came while I was out to dinner with a couple of friends (friends that you may remember from Pita Pitiful).  I was telling them about my latest dating failure (which I hope to have typed up and posted soon as well) wherein I was asked out by a girl and then later shot down by said girl (I assume it’s because I am a horrible date once you actually get to know me).  Recounting my numerous dating failures is kind of standard fare for any time I’m out with friends.  Really, almost any time I’m out with friends they will at some point mention how they’re surprised I’m single (they shouldn’t be) or that they think I’m a great guy (I’m probably not).  And then immediately following that is the question of whether or not I’ve considered online dating.  Yes, I have considered online dating, but to me it seems like it would just be website where I can sign up to buy dinner for people.  Overall, that’s probably healthier for me than just buying 2 dinners for myself, which we all know that I’ve done, but it seems like a lot of hassle to sign up for a website when you could really just ask me to buy you dinner and I’d probably do it.  Maybe that would be my profile on the dating website: “If you like free dinner and don’t really give a shit about who you’re eating with, message me.”

“I notice that you’re pathetic and your date isn’t really into 
you, sir. Might I suggest a drink to pair with your sadness?”

                Truthfully, as much as my friends feel the need to remind of my constant state of singlehood and numerous dating failures, it’s arguably even worse around family.  I’m basically the only person in my family that’s single.  In fact, within the last couple of months both my sister and my step-brother got married and my cousin got engaged.  And my family makes it a point to remind me frequently of what a sadsack I am (I don’t think they’re trying to be malicious, but it’s a possibility).  Whenever I’m around family there’s a gauntlet of questions about whether or not I’m seeing anyone (I’m not), why I’m not seeing anyone (because I suck) and when I think I’ll be seeing someone (just as soon as I can fool someone into loving me).  My favorite question that invariably comes up is always, “What happened to (whatshername)?  I liked her.  I wish you were still with her.”  And it’s that kind of support that really means the world to me and makes me re-evaluate all my relationship decisions up to that point.  I mean,  the realization that my family liked a girl certainly gives me the option to go back in time and make her un-dump me.  I can imagine the conversation now:

Ex: “Hello?”
Me: “Whatshername! Hey, great news!”
Ex: “Why are you calling me?”
Me: “My family just let me know that they really liked when we’re together.  So, I’ve decided to look past the fact that you dumped me and shit all over my heart so we can give us another chance.”
Ex: “Have you been drinking?  It’s 2 in the afternoon, Ryan.  Move on.  We’re done.”
Me: “I know, this is all happening so quickly.  But why don’t you come on over to my parents' house.  We’ll have a nice dinner, catch up and start planning the wedding.  Trust me, my parents will love it.”
Ex: *click*

“Hello again, rejection, you cruel bitch.”

                I like to think I’m a clever person though (I’m slightly delusional), so I’ve taken my own measures to get back at my family for the frequent badgering about my relationship status.  The way I see it, they’re probably just worried that my lack of a girlfriend is an indication that I don’t have my life together; so I take that idea and run with it (because I’m an asshole).  So, sometimes when I order things online I’ll have it shipped to their house if it’s an item that makes me seem really immature.  To date, some of the more notable shipments that have arrived at their front door have been a beer pong table, a case of Yoo-hoo and a set of sweet new water guns.  It’s my own little way of saying, “Hey guys, I’m still fucking up but look at all the cool shit I can buy with my single-money.”


Thursday, October 1, 2015

September Joke Round-Up

                It’s the end of yet another month.  Hopefully you enjoyed my Shameful Strip Club Stories that I posted all month.   Here’s the rest of the jokes I wrote this month:

One of Taylor Swift's security guards suffered a broken rib at a recent concert when a guy climbed on stage and had to be subdued.
My biggest problem with this is that I don't even know which song to use to make a joke about this. Fearless? Mean? Should've Said No? I Knew You Were Trouble? Bad Blood?
And why do I know so many Taylor Swift songs

Wrote a pretty descriptive (and hilarious) story about the struggles of pooping at work that I intended to send to a buddy (because that's what guys do). Accidentally sent it to my financial advisor. Shit.
Followed it up by asking how my portfolio was looking. #‎SavedIt

Apparently, there has been some backlash on the internet the past couple of days, with people really angry that Kermit the Frog's alleged new girlfriend is skinnier than Miss Piggy.
I'd like to remind everyone of a couple things. First off, that Miss Piggy has a history of hitting Kermit, which is not okay. And secondly, that they're damn puppets.

I want to use my checkbook at a stripclub. I will make it rain $1 checks in there.

I really enjoy when people try to show the natural beauty of Earth by taking a picture of nature and then putting an Instagram filter on it.

I already mentioned a few weeks ago that #‎Knuckles has been on more dates than me lately. Yesterday, I left the oven on and he was the responsible one who turned it off and made sure I didn't burn down the house.
At some point I slipped into Bizarro World. It's terrible.

Couldn't figure out why the Tylenol I found in the office wasn't working.
Turns out I was just eating some Good & Plenty candy that someone left at the desk.


#‎Knuckles: "I just wanna own a nice car for some reason."
Me: "Because you have a small penis."
#Knuckles: "That's probably it."

Recently, 30 people were injured in a mass pillow fight at West Point Military Academy. I think it's awesome that they're teaching the cadets to be so effective with improvised weapons. But, I also think it's time we start teaching children about pillow safety.

I was gonna go to the Walk to End Alzheimer's downtown today, but I forgot.

Netflix is now offering me the category "Girls Night In." Fuck you, Netflix. I do not even feel bad about watching Clueless and Hitch.

I think the true measure of adulthood is when you start internalizing your emotions and self-medicating with alcohol.

I've seen commercials for Life Alert and I can't help but think there's a market for a similar service for people who are drunk/hungover.
"Hello, this is Drunk Alert, what's your emergency?"
"I'm laying on the bathroom floor shirtless because it was the only room not spinning. I need a Gatorade, Tylenol and McNuggets or I'm going to die."
"Stay calm. We'll send someone right over."

Sometimes customers take pictures of furniture to go home and think over/show to their family. Every time this happens, I offer to take a selfie with them and the furniture. Someone finally took me up on the offer yesterday and got a picture with me and a dresser. I feel strangely accomplished.

I'm never going to lose my keys again

Scientists have announced the discovery in South Africa of remains belonging to a new species that is an ancestor to humans.
Meanwhile, I'm still waiting on scientists to determine what species it is that I've seen frequenting Wal-Mart.

I don't believe it.

#‎Knuckles: "I don't think I'm going to get the hot wings here anymore. They fill me up or something weird."
Me: "It's weird when food makes you feel full?"
#Knuckles: "...."
Me: "Just drink your beer."

I'm feeling pretty regal.


I like how in movies people are always artfully wrapped in their sheets like they don't pass out with their asses hanging out of the blankets.

I like to drink vodka & sprite to settle my stomach from my last hangover while I work towards my next one.

One surefire way to make myself feel stupid is by trying to figure out which way the fitted sheet goes on my bed.

#‎Knuckles: "She said she thinks you're too cocky."
Me: "What? She didn't even mention how good looking I am?"

Last night I watched a movie where Jennifer Grey goes on vacation with her family and falls in love with Patrick Swayze during an intense dance montage, only to have the romance end tragically when their camp is invaded by Soviet forces who ultimately kill Patrick & Jennifer, along with several other members of their resistance force, The Wolverines.
It is entirely possible that I fell asleep during Dirty Dancing and woke up to Red Dawn.

I've been texting a couple of customers today who had questions and/or needed me to send pictures of furniture to them.
But I keep having PTSD flashbacks to a couple of weeks ago when I accidentally texted my financial advisor that story about pooping at work. This is a whole new level of anxiety.

My biggest life goal is to have people not think I'm a piece of shit.

Apparently there is some sort of feud between The Black Keys and Jack White.
Just another indication of the sad state of race relations in America.

Tried to make a sandwich for lunch but was out of bread. Made a sandwich on a hot dog bun instead. #‎TastesLikeSuccess

"Hey baby, how about you lose that zero and get with another zero?"

Sometimes when I'm bored I like to get on WebMD and see how long it takes before I'm convinced that I'm dying.

I dream of a day when I finish a bag of chips and a container of dip at the same time.

In a recent interview, Terrence Howard said that he has his own system of logic, called Terryology, in which 1 x 1 = 2.
Using his logic, if I loan you $1 once, you owe me $2. I'm now positive that student loans are based on Terryology.

I ate 1 sloppy joe for lunch and I was still hungry. But I didn't want sloppy seconds.

Yesterday I had a customer who wanted to look at beds and mattresses. The whole time I was showing him pieces he kept farting really loudly, but not acknowledging it.
I wasn't sure if I should call him on it, ignore it, or take it as a challenge and out-fart him.

Tried to call a customer to let them know their mattress was in. Was accidentally the 15th caller to an out of state radio station.

Dustin: "Is that the Dr. from Jurassic Park?"
Me: "Leave him alone, he's trying to unwind and enjoy the concert."
Dustin: "He's had a rough day working with dinosaurs."
Me: "This is a safe place. There are no velociraptors here."

Just making sure that people know who I am and what I'm about.

Me: "Why are you in the beer aisle?"
Kyle: "Trying to see what I'm gonna drink this weekend."
Me: "It's Monday."
#‎Knuckles: "You gotta plan ahead, baby!"

Tomorrow is officially the first day of fall. Probably gonna drink some pumpkin spice bleach in honor of how un-excited I am about this.

I wrote some school essays back in the day that had filler like this.

I've found that the most effective way to make myself awake and alert when I'm overly tired is to go lay in my bed and actually attempt to sleep. Instantly wide awake.

A recent study shows that people drink more on days that they exercise.
In related news, drunken treadmill accidents are at an all time high.

I've seen a lot of posts and memes about 2015 being "the year America got offended by everything" or something similar. I think that's inaccurate. I think a more sincere meme would be "the year when America got tired of people acting like assholes and started speaking up about it."

I cleaned out my wallet the other day and absentmindedly threw away several post-it notes with some jokes I had just written. But, I managed to keep the scrap of paper with a fake phone number given to me by that random girl I met at karaoke 6 months ago. Stacy has no idea what she's missing out on here.

If at any point you consider yourself too grown-up to have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, then you need to get the hell out of my life because I do not have time for that kind of negativity.

Just ate dinner at this wedding and didn't get any food on my tie.#‎AdultAccomplishments

A slow song came on and everyone on the dance floor decided to make it like an awkward middle school dance by dancing really far apart. In keeping with the theme, I sat down on the side of the dance floor by myself. It felt right.

Went to my 10 year high school reunion this weekend. I really enjoyed talking to my former classmates about everything I've accomplished over the last decade: grew a beard, changed my hairstyle, got new glasses.

One of my cousins texted me yesterday asking to borrow a few articles of clothing so that she could dress like a nerd for school today.
I would have been more offended that she came to me for help dressing like a nerd if I didn't actually own most of what she needed.

All of us at work decided to get Taco Bell for lunch. It's going to be like the Cold War in the office this afternoon: nobody will fire first due to threat of mutually assured destruction.

It's kinda depressing when I see people my age or even younger making apps and I can't even make my bed.

Hope you enjoyed it.  Keep an eye out for more fun stuff coming soon!