A few days late with this one because I was on vacation and had no inclination to get out of the water and sober up just to compile a bunch of old jokes. And since I’m doing this late now, I am also not going to fuck around trying to come up with a nice little intro. We’re just gonna go right to the jokes.
6/2
I am so spoiled at work using the Scheduling Assistant feature in MS Outlook to set up meetings. I wish I had this same functionality for setting up times to hang out with friends.
6/2
I got up from the couch to get some heartburn medicine, but ended up getting snacks instead. I wonder why I have heartburn.
6/3
That Pepto Bismol song is kind of a bop.
6/4
I won a poster from my local movie theater and I found the perfect place to hang it up in my house. #Family
6/6
I love reading recipes online that say things like, "This is SOO SIMPLE to make. All you have to do is combine (list of 43 ingredients)."
6/9
I got my hair cut yesterday and my wife tried to tell me that I looked "even more handsome."
I am not more handsome, I am just different handsome. I am well aware that I already reached the apex of handsomeness long ago.
6/11
Took my kids to the town fair yesterday. While waiting in line for rides I was approached by a guy who I literally have only spoken to once in my life; somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-12 years ago we had a disagreement at a bar about something to do with hockey. This guy says to me, "Remember when we argued about what the Blues needed to win the cup? And I ended up being right."
My guy, I definitely do not remember the details, nor do I care that much, but I'm just gonna go ahead and let you take that W because obviously you need it more than I do if you've been holding on to that one conversation for over a decade.
6/11
Out of context moments from my life:
My wife: "Who was looking up Rey Mysterio on my phone?"
6/12
The only thing I hide from my wife is my fast food receipts. She'd be simultaneously disappointed in my spending habits and also jealous that I went without her, so it's just better for both of us that she not know about it.
6/16
My wife's lunch really captures why we get along so well.
6/19
My son got me these for Father's Day. On the one hand I think I'm a little insulted, but on the other hand I do love snacks and these look delicious.
6/24
My daughter has gotten really into baking and I'm far too supportive of a father not to eat all these treats.
6/24
Country music is definitive proof that a kind and loving God does not exist.
6/27
On today's episode of Sentences I've Never Said Before: My weiner is too big.
Hooray, I did more than 8 jokes this month. I referenced my chronic heartburn and also the reasons why I get it. And I made a small dick joke. Pretty much everything you can expect from me. See you next month!
-R