July has come
and gone as we barrel helplessly through summer. July was considerably less exciting than the
previous month, which I suspect can be largely attributed to the fact that I
didn’t get married again in July; a notable difference from June. I did get to go on my honeymoon this month,
which was pretty sweet and didn’t at fill me with inescapable misery when I had
to return to work and the real world (haha, I’m sad now). For whatever reason, I took a LOT of pictures
for visual jokes this month; so have fun with that.
7/1
Today my wife confused Jon Taffer
and Jake Tapper. I definitely think there'd be a lot less punch to Bar Rescue
with Jake Tapper, but CNN could get really fun.
7/1
Speaking of Jon Taffer, 2 days
before my honeymoon I saw an episode of Bar Rescue where someone ordered a Rum
Runner and it is now officially my new favorite drink. That's no joke, just a
life pro tip.
7/2
Found out that I'm not into that
sort of thing.
7/2
Ordering Dedos de Pollo feels a lot
more sophisticated than ordering Chicken Fingers.
7/3
It's possible that this kind of
stuff is why the dog likes everyone else in the house more than me.
7/4
Every time I exit the pool I start
moving just a little bit slower than usual and have "Moving In
Stereo" by The Cars playing in my head. Because reasons.
7/6
One very important thing I've
learned from watching Food Network is to ditch the garnishes; don't put
anything on a plate that isn't intended to be eaten. But not everyone follows
that rule and so today I ate a flower.
7/7
I hope the pilot just has Google
Maps on up in the cockpit.
7/8
It's been 14 years since I last
took a Spanish class in school. Either I remembered a lot more than I thought I
did and being in Mexico just brought it out of me, or all the rum made me think
that's what was happening.
7/8
Just gonna do some Mayan Crossfit.
7/9
#PlayGloria
7/9
Who says romance is dead?
7/10
Necessity is the mother of
invention.
7/14
Walking through Bed Bath & Beyond with my wife
and she points out some scraper utensil that is apparently supposed to help
scoop the last bits of dip or whatever out of a bowl.
Thanks, but I already have a finger.
7/15
I took a small bump to my elbow at
hockey last night. I've spent my time since then just shouting Kindergarten Cop
quotes at people.
7/17
In preparation for my wife's
birthday today, I baked a cake for the first time in my life last night. I
don't mean to brag, but I probably would not be the first contestant eliminated
on the Kids Baking Championship.
7/18
I did that face aging thing and now
I finally look the way I feel every day when I wake up.
7/20
My wife is being super mature right
now because she doesn't want to go grocery shopping with me.
7/26
Today's work struggle. #Thirsty
7/27
Improve your lunch break with this
1 easy trick.
7/28
Life Pro Tip: Clorox currently only
offers 6 different flavors of bleach, but you can add flavor packets to regular
bleach to make your own.
7/30
We’ve been under a boil order
because of a water main break on our street. Because of this, we’ve been
relying on bottled water in the house and have extended this to filling our
dog’s water dish with bottled water during this time as well. And honestly, the
dog is getting a little bit uppity about the whole thing.
7/31
I'll be honest, I have no idea how
to throw away a trash can.
Wow!
As far as jokes go, those are definitely ones that I wrote last month. Pretty accurate assessment of my writing if I
do say so myself. Anyways, now that the
wedding and honeymoon are both over, looks like I’ve got a lifetime of jokes
about marital bliss to get writing.
-Ryan