Thursday, August 1, 2019

July 2019 Joke Round-Up

                July has come and gone as we barrel helplessly through summer.  July was considerably less exciting than the previous month, which I suspect can be largely attributed to the fact that I didn’t get married again in July; a notable difference from June.  I did get to go on my honeymoon this month, which was pretty sweet and didn’t at fill me with inescapable misery when I had to return to work and the real world (haha, I’m sad now).  For whatever reason, I took a LOT of pictures for visual jokes this month; so have fun with that.

Today my wife confused Jon Taffer and Jake Tapper. I definitely think there'd be a lot less punch to Bar Rescue with Jake Tapper, but CNN could get really fun.

Speaking of Jon Taffer, 2 days before my honeymoon I saw an episode of Bar Rescue where someone ordered a Rum Runner and it is now officially my new favorite drink. That's no joke, just a life pro tip.

Found out that I'm not into that sort of thing.

Ordering Dedos de Pollo feels a lot more sophisticated than ordering Chicken Fingers.

It's possible that this kind of stuff is why the dog likes everyone else in the house more than me.

Every time I exit the pool I start moving just a little bit slower than usual and have "Moving In Stereo" by The Cars playing in my head. Because reasons.

One very important thing I've learned from watching Food Network is to ditch the garnishes; don't put anything on a plate that isn't intended to be eaten. But not everyone follows that rule and so today I ate a flower.

I hope the pilot just has Google Maps on up in the cockpit.

It's been 14 years since I last took a Spanish class in school. Either I remembered a lot more than I thought I did and being in Mexico just brought it out of me, or all the rum made me think that's what was happening.

Just gonna do some Mayan Crossfit.


Who says romance is dead?

Necessity is the mother of invention.

Walking through Bed Bath & Beyond with my wife and she points out some scraper utensil that is apparently supposed to help scoop the last bits of dip or whatever out of a bowl.
Thanks, but I already have a finger.

I took a small bump to my elbow at hockey last night. I've spent my time since then just shouting Kindergarten Cop quotes at people.

In preparation for my wife's birthday today, I baked a cake for the first time in my life last night. I don't mean to brag, but I probably would not be the first contestant eliminated on the Kids Baking Championship.

I did that face aging thing and now I finally look the way I feel every day when I wake up.

My wife is being super mature right now because she doesn't want to go grocery shopping with me.

Today's work struggle. #Thirsty

Improve your lunch break with this 1 easy trick.

Life Pro Tip: Clorox currently only offers 6 different flavors of bleach, but you can add flavor packets to regular bleach to make your own.

We’ve been under a boil order because of a water main break on our street. Because of this, we’ve been relying on bottled water in the house and have extended this to filling our dog’s water dish with bottled water during this time as well. And honestly, the dog is getting a little bit uppity about the whole thing.

I'll be honest, I have no idea how to throw away a trash can.

                Wow! As far as jokes go, those are definitely ones that I wrote last month.  Pretty accurate assessment of my writing if I do say so myself.  Anyways, now that the wedding and honeymoon are both over, looks like I’ve got a lifetime of jokes about marital bliss to get writing.