Thursday, June 1, 2017

May 2017 Joke Round-Up

                Oh man, I was totally on a roll for the first part of the month.  Look at all those jokes I wrote!  And then the middle part of the month hit and I was tired and tapped for inspiration.   I didn’t even get my butt grease story finished.  Sad!

Explaining the importance of teeth-brushing to my girlfriend's 5 year-old twins:
Henry: "I don't like to brush my teeth."
Me: "If you don't take care of your teeth they'll all rot out and the only thing you'll be able to eat is soup."
Abby: "What kind of soup? I like soup."
Me: "Do you like onions?"
Abby: "No."
Me: "Onion soup."

I had Taco Bell for lunch because I figured that, with the way things are going in Trump's America, it won't be long before I'm unable to get authentic Mexican food so I better start getting used to it now.

Having both a bit of a background in finance and an unhealthy love of food, I always like to imagine that when someone's wages are garnished that they just have a bunch of parsley thrown in with their paychecks.

I can afford to buy decent food for myself, but I still enjoy eating ramen noodles occasionally. So, now when I go to the store to buy ramen I dress in a suit just so that the cashier knows I'm not buying it out of necessity.

I do my best to be a good role model for my girlfriend's kids. For her son, in particular, I've tried to teach everything I know about being a man:
"You must be swift as a coursing river
With all the force of a great typhoon
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon"

I saw a commercial on tv where mosquitos were being captured and studied/tested to see if they were carrying diseases. While they're at it, is there a way that we can pump those mosquitoes full of vaccines just to cover for all the dumbasses that don't vaccinate their kids?

Just once I want to go to a wedding where the processional music comes to a screeching halt and John Cena bursts into the church.

This appears to be a game of Holy Whack-A-Mole.

Has anyone considered that maybe the reason Sean Spicer is hiding in bushes, speaking in the dark, and holding off-camera press conferences is because he has huge zit and is handling it like a teenager on a sitcom? Alternatively, it could also be a herpes outbreak.

It looks like Larry David took all of his Curb Your Enthusiasm money and started a pasta business.

You know how sometimes in sports movies the coach will act like a huge asshole to get the rest of the team to bond over a common enemy?
Maybe that is Donald Trump's strategy with the world.

                Someday, I’m either going to just stop making excuses and actually do some damn writing or I’m gonna have to close up shop.  Stay tuned!