February is arguably the worst month. This year, we got a bonus day of February, which is essentially winning a kick in the dick. Thankfully it is over now and we are inching ever closer to warmer weather, longer days, and me not being a miserable bastard (or maybe I’ll just be a different kind of miserable bastard in warm, sunny weather). I keep thinking to myself “surely I have more to say here” but I have been absentmindedly staring at this screen for 2 hours now, so I think it’s time to just call this good and move on to the jokes.
2/2
Pharmaceutical commercial voiceovers: "You may develop a rare but deadly bacterial infection in your taint."
The people in the commercials:
2/9
My wife has learned to just never ask what I'm thinking about.
2/10
I haven't seen any videos of those dudes building swimming pools and houses in the jungle lately. I hope they're okay.
2/13
I really need a new bedtime routine. This laying awake and thinking about every mistake I've ever made just isn't cutting it.
2/14
Went to make some coffee from a variety pack my wife got and I found my new nickname.
2/15
According to my latest health screening, my triglycerides are alarmingly high.
2/21
Sometimes if I'm feeling a little down, I'll eat foods that I know will make me gassy so I can laugh about farts and feel better.
2/23
Things like modern medicine, irrigation, airplanes, and the internet are all pretty cool, but cheese powder (Cheetos, Doritos) still might be my favorite thing humans have ever invented.
2/26
Have you ever noticed that we all use the exact same stupid voice when we're telling a story and quoting a person we don't like?
2/29
If I ever reach out to you and say "I would really like a sweet potato" just know that's code-speak for "I'm in danger, send help." Fuck sweet potatoes.
What a great way to close out that month: find out that I’m unhealthy and then make absolutely no changes to my dietary choices to amend this problem. Fair play.
-Ryan