Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Rick 2016: Make America Awesomer

                This is an article that I have been considering writing for a while and finally decided that I needed to make it happen because if I don’t write it now, then I won’t have another opportunity to write it for another four years and I don’t even know what the hell I’ll be doing by then (probably the same stupid stuff I’m doing right now, but whatever).   Unless you’ve been living under a rock (and even that’s not a guarantee because you might have Wi-Fi under there), you’re aware that the United States is in the long, miserable marathon known as election season (the only marathon that is actually shittier than running a marathon).  Because I don’t live under a rock (I live on a 2nd floor apartment, which is quite a bit different from the underside of a rock), I’m well aware that there is considerable fervor among the voting populace over the two main candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.  And because of this, and also because I’m just a giving person, I thought I would help everyone’s choice be just a bit easier by throwing my hat into the ring.  So, here are 10 Reasons Why Ryan Rick Should Be President:

1)      I Am Absolutely Not Qualified
I know what you’re thinking, “How the hell is not being qualified for the job a good thing and why would you lead off with this, you idiot?”  First and foremost, I think you need to settle down and hear me out before you start calling me names.  Secondly, the fact that I’m well aware of how unqualified I am for the job could make me VERY qualified for the job.   Because I’m so brutally aware of my own shortcomings (not just in politics, in everything), that means that I would be entirely inclined to surround myself with people who actually are qualified.   Rather than having someone in office that grossly overestimates their own intelligence and makes stupid mistakes because of it, you could have someone who knows he’s a dummy and uses this to surround himself with the most capable people for the job.

2)      I Look Great in a Suit
It’s important for the president to look put-together, classy and professional.  Hell, some would even say that he needs to look downright presidential in order to command the kind of respect that the Commander-in-Chief deserves.  You want a guy that can turn some heads on the runway and in the Oval office. 
Just me and my Chief of Staff at a gala event

Pretty sure I just made my point.

3)      Jobs
Jobs are a thing that is very important to America and a subject that is very near and dear to my heart.   That is why I can assure you that, as president, I will have the absolute best plan in place to create more jobs in America and keep countries from shipping them overseas.  A lot of people have asked me “Ryan, how can you increase the number of jobs in America?”  And I always tell them that I absolutely will increase jobs and it’s because I know a lot about jobs.  I’ve held a handful of jobs in my life.  Really, I’m the best at jobs.  I haven’t been without a job since I started working.  I’m huge on jobs.  A job expert, most would say.  There’s no better person to be president if you’re talking about jobs.

4)      I Never Delete Emails
If there’s one thing that approximately 50% of America can’t seem to stop talking about, it’s emails.  Maybe they just really like the movie “You’ve Got Mail” (or they’re a huge Meg Ryan fan).  Maybe they’re still waiting to hear back from that Nigerian Prince who was going to give them half of his inheritance.  Whatever the reasoning, it’s definitely been a hot talking point and that is why I want to assure everyone that, not only do I have an email account, but I also don’t delete any of my emails so there is a huge back catalog to look through, should they ever find themselves curious as to how often I receive a totally legitimate offer to gain an extra 3 inches in just weeks.

The fact that both sexy Asian singles and Russian girls are vying for my attention shows I’d have great foreign policy.

5)      I (Mostly) Don’t Say Stupid Shit
This one may take a little more explaining and that’s why I used parentheses in the sub-heading here.  I don’t say offensively stupid or outright false, uneducated bullshit.  When things come out of my mouth, they tend to be both grounded in facts and not overtly offensive to others.  I don’t say untrue or malevolent stupid shit! See, the stupid shit that I say is innocent and adorably stupid, like when I very sincerely ask some girls at the bar if they would like a ride home in a van full of dudes.  It makes me approachable and endears me to others.  And isn’t that a double whammy of qualities that you want in a president; someone who will simultaneously not say incriminatingly ignorant nonsense while also being likeably awkward?

6)      I’ve Seen Dr. Strangelove
I think this is an important point for many reasons.  First and foremost, it is a pretty culturally significant film that has been referenced countless times in other forms of popular media.  And you surely want a president who gets pop culture references.  Just imagine if you had a president who didn’t get those references, he’d look pretty silly sitting around with all the other world leaders as jokes just went right over his head; that would be an embarrassment to our country.  But, probably more importantly, Dr. Strangelove is a great cautionary tale against the use of nuclear weapons, and you definitely want a president who understands the seriousness of nuclear warfare.  Just imagine, a president who didn’t understand the severity of using nukes could just go around nuking other countries all willy-nilly and lead our world into a nuclear apocalypse.  Not me, however, because after watching Dr. Strangelove I am fully aware that nukes are not all super fun cowboy bomb rides, there’s a lot of awful death and destruction that goes along with it.  That gives me perspective.

There are some fun bomb rides, though.

7)      I Can’t Be Bought
One of the biggest problems in politics is that there’s too much money in it.  There are so many hands in the cookie jar, lobbying politicians and incentivizing them to draft laws in their favor or turn a blind eye to shady dealings.  Corruption is a real issue.  And that is why I’m a great pick for president: I can’t be bought.  I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle by any means (mostly because I don’t have the money to do so) but I also don’t find myself wanting to, either.   Because there isn’t really anything that I covet and because I am of such strong moral fiber (I’m actually not super principled, I just don’t give enough of a shit about anything to compromise like the 2 values I have), it would be nigh impossible to corrupt me with promises of personal gain (unless someone is still going to promise to let me be the next host of The Daily Show, I’m still in for that).

Another job where it’s important to look great in a suit.

8)      I’m Not Old Enough to Run for President
Here in the United States, a person is required to be at least 35 years old to be president.  You might think that would disqualify me from being the next president as I’m only 29, but one of the great things about America is that we have a democracy and we’ve changed the rules before, such as when women were given the right to vote or when presidential term limits were set, so this is totally not even a deal breaker.  In fact, I even think it’s a positive for me (which is why I put it on this list, duh) because it has been well-observed that the day to day stress of being president has a way of making the Commander in Chief age considerably during their time in office. 

These poor, stressed out dudes.

Since I’m younger than the required age limit for presidency, I’ll go into office looking young and fresh faced and then age gracefully into a distinguished and responsible looking adult.  And the American people win because I’ll look vibrant, capable and totally handsome the whole time.

Artist’s approximation of how I will age while in office.

9)      People Skills
It’s incredibly important for a president to have good people skills; he is, after all, America’s representative to the rest of the world.  You’re gonna want somebody with charm, charisma and an ability to think on his feet and say the right thing in sometimes tense situations with other very important people.  That’s where I come in.  I’m a guy that can speak off the cuff and win people over, whether it is by handing out Kohl’s Cash to strippers, negotiating a tense situation between a police officer and my Uber driver in a McDonald’s parking lot, or just helping out a buddy in thebathroom.  I’m a guy you want around to help handle those situations because I have the necessary people skills to explain why the Prime Minister of the UK is hiding behind the bar wearing a sombrero.

10)   I Will Make America Awesomer
Lastly, and probably most importantly, I promise to make America Awesomer.  I’m not going to sit here and tell you that America isn’t great.  America is great already.  We all know that, despite some issues, America is a pretty fucking sweet place to be.  America is, in fact, awesome.  But, what if it were even more awesome?  Think about some cool things we've got going on in America.  Now imagine if things were even cooler.  That’s the dream I’m committing to and the promise I’m making to all voters: that I will make America Awesomer.  I want more good things and less bad things for the American people and I’m the guy to make it happen because I said so; you can absolutely quote me on that.  In fact, we’re gonna turn it into a hashtag, too.  #MakeAmericaAwesomer

                Unfortunately, I think I may be starting my campaign just a bit too late to make my way onto the ballots or even into the presidential debates, which sucks because I would totally kick ass at the debates and everyone would be really impressed by all the stuff I know.  Instead, I’ll just have to rely on the power of the American people to make this dream happen.  So, this November, when you’re at your polling place and thinking long and hard (haha, long and hard) about who you’re going to cast that vote for, if you really want to do your part to make America awesomer, you should go ahead and write in Ryan Rick.  Because why not?


Monday, August 1, 2016

July 2016 Joke Round Up

                July is over with and here’s the rundown of all the jokes I wrote this past month.  Couple of things worth noting, first of all, good for me for doing the bare minimum to get an actual article out this month in between this and the last joke round up.  I actually had started another article but ran into a little bit of writer’s block, which I am certain can be resolved with a little bit of alcohol.  And I’ve come full circle to the time last year when I started looking back at jokes from 2014 and earlier, so from here on out, you’ll probably not see many jokes from previous years as I’ve likely already posted all of them.  With those disclaimers out of the way, enjoy!


I can tell it's Canada Day because all I've wanted to do today is listen to Rush and pronounce words funny.

"I didn't choose to get drunk, I just did." - #‎Knuckles

I was watching Iron Chef America and the episode was Battle Beer. Unfortunately, the chefs spent the whole competition using the beer as an ingredient in their food rather than drinking it all and attempting to cook something edible without burning down the kitchen.

I went to Waffle House the other day at 3 a.m. (I'll let you assume why) and ordered hash browns with mushrooms, ham, cheese and gravy. They screwed up my order, skipping the cheese and gravy, and instead putting chili on it. Not sure if it was an honest mistake or if the server/cook was trying to hook me up but I had to leave a few bucks extra on the tip because it was the first time I've ever had a restaurant mess up my order and actually make it better.

I had to receive training for "reasonable suspicion drug testing" at work. I learned that one of the symptoms that may tip you off to an employee using cocaine is if they are "craving more cocaine." Good to know.


Saw a girl at the baseball game using Snapchat. I shouted, "YEAH SNAPCHAT!" then when she turned around to look at me I gave her a thumbs up. I basically have the best people skills.

Facebook is suggesting a "Christians for Trump" group to me. It's like you don't even know anything about me...

I like to think I'm a pretty tolerant guy who is really accepting of all colors, but this employee at Qdoba just gave me salsa verde when I clearly asked for salsa roja and I'm not okay with that. #‎BilingualJoke

I'm just waiting for someone to make an app combining Pokemon Go and Tinder; you walk around and throw Pokeballs at people nearby that you want to hook up with and they choose to either stay in the ball or shake free. Kinda torn on whether I think this idea is brilliant or pathetic.

I bought a new pair of shoes at work today. It's a little strange to be spending money at the place I go to make money, but the really weird part is that I work in a furniture store.

Man is naturally faster than the turtle.

I like when people post statuses about weather because sometimes I worry that my house is the only one getting rain.

Brain: "Hey man, I bet that cute girl over there would be really into you if you walked up to her and said some really stupid shit."

Had a spam account message me tonight, but I made my priorities clear.

I always ignore the microwave instructions that say "let food cool 1 minute before eating." If I wanted to wait 2 minutes to eat, I wouldn't have bought food that I can cook in 1 minute.

I've always heard that women are attracted to guys with a sense of humor. And I think that means that I'm not very funny.

Was making my lunch for work today and made the unfortunate discovery that my bread was moldy. So now my lunch is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a hamburger bun. #‎CalledAnAudible

UPDATE: I failed to buy a new loaf of bread yesterday, so today for lunch I'm having a turkey sandwich on a hot dog bun. It's like a tiny hoagie.

In case anyone was wondering what I'm doing with my life.
One of my favorite hobbies is watching how often people who are "so in love" break up with each other on Facebook.

Went to a concert that started at 8 pm. At 8:30 I get this message from #‎Knuckles:
"Are you going tonight and what time are you getting there?"
I mean, obviously my plan was to get there before the show started...

I think Jason Mraz came to this show at The Firebird.

Honestly, all a guy really wants is a girl who thinks it's cute how stupid he is.

My roommate's cat pooped in a pair of pants that I had laying on my bedroom floor. A cat pooped in my pants...

I like to use Facebook to post about the daily activities of my life in exhausting detail, then complain that other people are "in my business."

Trump vowed to bring back Law & Order, but I think if he really wanted to win over a group of passionate, single-issue voters he should have promised to bring back Firefly.

I think it's important to remember that a 0% success rate is also a 100% failure rate, and 100% is pretty damn impressive.

When you're talking to a police officer, asking "Keeping busy?" is a bad excuse for small talk.

I think one of the best ways to teach children about adversity and struggle is to buy them RoseArt crayons instead of Crayola.

I don't get embarrassed very easily. I think that's because there's not really anything much more embarrassing than being me on a daily basis.

Partied with some cops tonight, got tased for fun. The American dream.
Also, I peed in the grass in front of the cop's cruiser before I got zapped because I was worried the shock might make me piss myself.

Lately I see a lot of people say that they like Trump because he "speaks from his heart" and I know it's been a long time since I've had an anatomy class but I'm pretty sure the heart is not located in your ass.

Trying to get in some practice time for hockey and this game of bicycle Polo is going on at the rink. Probably the first time I've ever been amongst a group of people and been certain that I'm not the lamest person there.

Breaking down barriers over here.

Truthfully, I don't really have a personality; I'm just a series of jokes and stories parading around as a semi-competent human.

Remember back in school when the teacher would have a discussion about the assigned reading and would call on students to give their thoughts? You could always tell which kids didn't do any of the reading and were just making shit up as they went.
That's what political arguments on the internet are like.

Today I heard a cover of "How Will I Know" by Sam Smith and it was legitimately one of the worst things I've ever heard. Come to find out, this was recorded in 2014. Why were more people not angry about this? I feel insulted on behalf of Whitney.

Realistically, I could be making out with a girl and still be thinking to myself, "Eh, I'm not really sure if she likes me or is just being nice."

I've seen a lot of pictures of people that have gone to those places where you drink wine and make a painting. It's given me a business idea that's a little more my speed; a room full of typewriters where people get smashed on whiskey and are given a writing prompt. I'll call it Hemingway's.

I heard that the county fair where I live had a lawnmower demolition derby. And while my brain knows that it was riding lawnmowers, my heart wants to believe that it was just a bunch of guys slamming push-mowers into each other.

                I know I say it after every one of these, but I do still have some great stories I’m working on and maybe I’ll be a productive human being and actually finish some of them.