Saturday, July 1, 2017

June 2017 Joke Round Up

                Holy shit it’s July and you know what that means?  It’s swamp-ass season instead of hockey season.  June was a pretty polarizing month for me.  I started off the month having what I can only assume was some strain of the bubonic plague, only to get better from that and immediately tear my calf muscle.  Then I finished the month by getting a new job title at work that allows me to finally have weekends off like a normal person and also found me writing shit-all for jokes.  You win some you lose some.  Also, I had a noticeably lack of joke-related images this month.  Weird. Here are jokes.

I spent the last 2 days sick in bed and my Fitbit was just not having any of that shit. It spent the whole time yelling at me that I needed to get up and hit my step goals. Fitbit has no sympathy.

One fun thing about being sick the past couple of days was that at one point I woke up in the middle of the night and, in the delerium of my fever, thought that the reason I didn't have the strength to lift my arms was because they had turned to stone. Also, for some reason they looked like Nature Valley granola bars.

Me: "I was just starting to feel kinda bad on Wednesday and then Thursday..."
Kahla: "You told me Wednesday that you felt miserable."
Me: "Yeah, but I had to reevaluate my adjective usage when I realized how fucking awful I felt Thursday."

One very specific thing I remember from high school Spanish class is that "cebolla" means "onion" and "caballo" means "horse." And I think this is because I have a deep, irrational fear that someday I'll be trying to get ingredients for dinner at a Mexican supermarket and end up walking out of the store having accidentally purchased a steed.

So, Rep. Tim Walberg (R-Mich.) told constituents that he believes if climate change is a real problem, God can fix it.
I can't wrap my head around the fact that he (and certainly others) believes that the same invisible man in the sky who supposedly once flooded the earth as punishment for people fucking up, will put a stop to a global event that is caused by people fucking up and, among other consequences, raises ocean levels.

I stayed home from work today watching my girlfriend's kids because their babysitter is out of town. The little narcs blabbed to their mom about me eating candy for breakfast. Not cool. #SnitchesGetStitches

I really enjoy spicy foods, but don't mess with ghost peppers because at a certain point I'm also really concerned about the state of my butthole.

A little over a week ago I tore my calf muscle playing hockey. I've been so worried about getting out of shape and gaining weight that I'll be unable to run off during my recovery time that I've been stress-eating a bunch of shitty comfort foods that I can't run off during my recovery time.

It is June 17th with a current outside temperature of 85 degrees and I'm sitting here watching Home Alone because children have no concept of timeliness. This certainly has me in the summer spirit. #WetBandits#MilkEggsAndFabricSoftener #YaFilthyAnimal

At the Def Leppard concert tonight I saw a woman with one arm. I really like the band, too, but I think a t-shirt is a much easier way to show it.

At the concert last night I got to observe a drunken 40-something woman with a light-up bra and her equally drunken daughter make extremely clumsy advances at 2 very straight-laced (read: dorky) looking, sober guys next to them. I felt like Jane Goodall.

                Pretty excited to announce that I already wrote my first joke for July but I can’t post it until the 23rd for reasons that will be explained when it’s posted.  Hopefully I write 2 or 3 jokes before then.