Friday, December 1, 2023

November 2023 Joke Round-Up

  This month started off with leaves falling and weather getting colder.  Just a few days into the month we turned clocks back an hour making the already minimal hours of daylight seem even shorter as it’s now dark outside before I even get dinner made.  Needless to say, this month is shit and the only good thing about it is a holiday celebrating our gluttony.  I gorged myself on an obnoxious amount of food in an attempt to fill the dead spaces in my soul and chase away a deep case of the sads.  It hasn’t really worked yet, but I am determined to keep eating until I feel better about things.  The jokes reflect that, with many references to me eating and feeling awful about what and how much I ate.  Much like my eating, my joke-writing came in binges as well, with a 2 week lapse of jokes bookended by an outpouring of my dipshittery.  Let’s revisit them, shall we?


Me: "Why do I feel like shit all the time?"

Also Me: "Breakfast today is a frozen chicken patty and an energy drink."


I love my daughter, but watching movies with her is exhausting.  45 seconds into something neither of us have ever watched before and she is asking, "Who is that? What are they doing? What's happening?"

And I'm like, "I literally don't know, Abby. We have watched the exact same amount of this movie and I was not aware that there was assigned reading to do beforehand."


My wife: "Can you actually have a serious conversation without turning everything into a joke?"

Me: "No I cannot and you knew this when you married me."


I've had plenty of days where I've thought, "the weather is too nice to be doing yard work" and just as many where I have thought, "the weather is too nasty to be doing yard work." Interestingly, I've never had a day where I've thought, "this is good weather for yard work," so maybe the weather is not the problem.


When studying another language I think it's important to learn phrases that you would realistically use.  And man,  DuoLingo gets me.


If Asgard hadn't been destroyed by Surtur in Ragnarok, then Dollar General definitely would have opened a store there.


The most impressive part of my golf game is how many hot dogs I can put away at the turn.


My experience from when I worked in a grocery store was that 51 weeks of the year Stovetop Stuffing didn't sell at all.  Then for 3 days at Thanksgiving we couldn't keep it on the shelf.  Do people actually like the stuff or do they just eat it out of habit?


If I had to guess, Hallmark Channel would be the first to really embrace deepfake and AI technology.  They already just cast new actors to re-shoot the same movie 8,000 times.


Me right now


Yesterday I learned that yellow mustard is effective at relieving leg cramps.  I am going to use this information as an excuse when my wife catches me in the kitchen eating hot dogs at 2am.


Sometimes I spend a bit too much time thinking about how animals handle odd situations that are normal to humans.  Like I've seen videos of squirrels getting drunk from eating fermented pumpkins.  What does the squirrel think of that?  And of the hangover?  We understand the cause and effect of it.  But is the squirrel like, "Why am I so incredibly clumsy right now?  But also I feel strangely suave and charismatic."   And then the next morning the squirrel is like, "OMG I AM LITERALLY DYING AND I REALLY WANT CHINESE FOOD FOR SOME REASON."

That last joke there was a doozy, but I think it pretty accurately reflects what kind of dumb shit my brain occupies itself with.  Not gonna lie, it’s been a pretty rough little go of things from a mental health perspective lately.  Though I am completely lucky to have multiple support structures around me with family & friends.  This time of year is rough on a lot of people (hell, all times of year are rough on a lot of people) so make sure to reach out to those around you and spread love and support where you can.


Wednesday, November 1, 2023

October 2023 Joke Round-Up

  I am sitting here writing this end of month joke round up dressed as Freddie Mercury.  Possibly because it is Halloween and possibly just because that yellow marching band jacket looks cool as fuck and I just want to add a little razzle dazzle to me singing along to my Spotify playlist alone in the basement. Who knows?  Looking at this month’s jokes I seemingly have fallen into my comfort zone of just repeatedly talking about eating and pooping. Go with what you know, right?  I think that means I need to get out of my house more as I am spending way too much time alone.  So, these jokes…


I have a lot of problems with Chicago, ranging from their hockey team to the fact that they made a casserole and called it a pizza. But their idea to put a pickle and celery salt on hot dogs was genius.


I've reached a point in my life where I just chug Pepto straight out of the bottle instead of messing with the medicine cup.


As Halloween approaches I need someone to please explain popcorn balls to me, because I just don't get it.


My wife told me that I am the Roman Reigns of farting because I am not satisfied until everyone has acknowledged the fart.


The main driver of when I decide to turn the heat on in the house is how chilly the toilet seat gets. I can wear sweats and hoodies in the house, but once I can no longer comfortably poop then it's time to crank up the temp.


My son gets awfully concerned about who is eating what in the house for someone who buys 0% of the groceries.


Not content to simply spend my free time dwelling on stupid or cringey things that happened 10+ years ago, I make it a point to continue giving myself new embarrassing memories to haunt me in the decades to come.


Sometimes it's almost alarming how much my daughter is like me. For instance, last night I was in the kitchen hunched over the counter like a goblin, eating leftover fruit salad out of a giant Tupperware container. My daughter sees me and with no hesitation grabs a spoon and digs in as well.

In case you need a visual of the scene.


My daughter loves to bake. My best friend loves to barbecue. And I'm someone that loves to eat who has almost constant access to ribs and brownies.

For Christmas I'm asking for bigger pants.


Gonna pre-game this wedding reception with some shots.


If I had lived when outhouses were the norm, I'd have to either move to a tropical climate or just not poop from October to April.

At a certain point I should get sponsored by Pepto Bismol because I reference them quite a bit.  I need to monetize my tummy troubles rather than addressing them, it’s the American way.


Sunday, October 1, 2023

September 2023 Joke Round-Up

  Oof, September was a rough month for jokes.  In my defense, I had a lot on my plate for the month.  I finished up a 7 month leadership program at work and presented my capstone project near the end of the month and that took up an inordinate amount of brain power/worrying for a guy who has absolutely no fear of public speaking.  And at the end of October I’ll be officiating another wedding, so I’ve been working out all the kinks in writing that ceremony.  Needless to say, when you’re writing a work presentation and a wedding ceremony, your brain isn’t necessarily in “write dumb jokes” mode; but maybe that’s just me?  Or maybe I am just making excuses.  Let’s hope this very minimal amount of jokes are at least good.


"I wish I had some french fries, but ones that were not enjoyable at all." - the guy who invented sweet potato fries probably


In the interest of science, I switched my car radio to 99.1 for the first (and only) time ever yesterday. I immediately forgot that blinkers existed, could not keep my car between the lines on the highway, and couldn't maintain a consistent speed. This explains why every car with a JOY FM sticker is the worst driver you've ever seen.


My wife has so much anxiety that if there was a Miss Anxiety Pageant she'd be too anxious to go claim her prize so it would be awarded to the runner-up.


"Get in the pool, kids. It's time to swim." - Me to my toes as I take my socks off in bed


Today I am teaching my kids about telling the truth and how sometimes situations can get worse if we try to hide our mistakes and dodge responsibility.

Incidentally, our toilet is currently clogged with a bar of soap.


Have you ever heard a story of someone handling spicy foods, then inadvertently touching a delicate area and thought to yourself "I'm too smart to make that mistake"?

I also thought I was too smart for that, yet here I am in the bathroom with a cup of milk hating life.


Looks like only construction personnel are allowed to play on the playground.


How did pergolas become a thing? Did someone just run out of material and money before they could put a roof on their patio and say, "Fuck it, give it a fancy name and call it good."

I should take solace in the fact that I have set the bar very low for October based on what I did for September.  Let’s try not to shit it all up, okay?


Friday, September 1, 2023

August 2023 Joke Round-Up

  Well, we officially are just a few short weeks away from the season changing to fall and me being mad as hell about the temperatures outside for months on end.  And I’ve still yet to achieve my summer beach body.  Lame.  I think the crux of the issues is that, much like a dog, I am very food motivated so everything I would reward myself with for making healthy life choices would immediately undo said life choices.  I guess if my daughter continues to put aloe in the places where I look for food, I might start getting gun shy about all my snacking habits.  Or maybe aloe is an acquired taste and I’d learn to love it.  Anyways, these jokes.


Walk in the door after hockey, turn on the light and see Barclay just sitting and staring at me like, "Do you have any idea what time it is?"


For whatever reason my daughter put aloe into a silicone baking mold and put it in the freezer. And yet somehow I'm the weird one for eating what I thought was some type of fun-shaped green gelatin snack that I found in the place where we keep food.

It tasted like shit, fyi.


It's fine. This is fine.


I am 5'11" and for the most part all of my friends are within a few inches of that as well, so I never really feel like I am short until I go to a concert and apparently everyone else that also purchased tickets to the show just came from playing in an NBA game.


If I had to get a tattoo of something that I hold dear to my heart and knew would always remain special to me, it would be a hot wing.


My kids went back to school today and now my dogs are suddenly aware that I also exist in this house.


Spotify you need to calm the hell down with these suggestions. I am nowhere near hungover today; I stopped partying on Tuesday nights like a decade ago.


Okay, now it seems like Spotify really does get me.


I personally enjoy when I click on what looks to be an interesting news article, only to be informed that I've reached my free article limit on a site that I have literally never been to before in my life.


I have noticed from the groups that I admin that a lot of fake FB accounts have 2 first names. This feels like a personal attack.


On the one hand, I am enjoying a quiet work environment at home now that the kids are back in school. On the other hand, I forgot that back to school would mean I'd have homework every night again. I do not enjoy homework.


The store had 2-packs of Pepto on sale Buy One Get One 1/2 Off, so my wife and I obviously took advantage of that. But this is a situation where I am thankful for self-checkout because we really don't need another human being to ring up 4 bottles of Pepto Bismol and wonder what the hell is wrong with us.


I thought my underwear felt unusually uncomfortable this morning. 7 hours later I realized that I had put them on backwards. That's embarrassing, but not so embarrassing that I won't post it here for meaningless internet points.


In an effort to be a little more active today, I opted to walk home from an event near our house instead of driving. This turned into me running through the neighborhood while the rest of the family acted as my pace car. Sadly, they would not play "Eye of the Tiger" for me. But I found out that I can run 15mph.

Honestly, really think there should have been more fanfare surrounding my little run there.  Like, I could have been awarded a hot wing for each MPH that I achieved.  That would’ve been very motivational.


Tuesday, August 1, 2023

July 2023 Joke Round-Up

  July may be over, but we’ve still got August and ⅔ of September that are Summer so if you’re out there talking about how “it's spooky season” or you’re ready for fall, I need you to know how terrible you are because fall is ass and so are you.  Now, it is almost time for my kids to go back to school and that is both pretty cool because I’ll go back to a quiet house while I work, and also awful and anxiety-inducing because I am not mentally prepared for helping out with schoolwork in the evenings again yet.  It’s bullshit,  I am 36 years old and I was certain that I would have been finished with homework long, long ago.  Here are some jokes.


Me every time my dog gets annoyed with me for snuggling him too much:


It's interesting to me how many people claim they are writing books that, by all appearances, are entirely unqualified to do so. I've seen the shit you post; how are you gonna write a book when you can't form a sentence?


My wife and I are meeting some friends for drinks at a winery tonight. Wineries are not my scene, so I'm struggling to figure out what the appropriate attire would be. Is this okay?


Honestly kind of a shame that the only lasting legacy of the Ottoman Empire are foot stools.


Abby: "Can we go get sno-cones?"

Me: "We have to see if mom and Henry want them too."

Abby: "Not if we keep it a secret."

Dang, my daughter is too much like me because I 100% try to hide all the fast food I eat from the rest of the family.


My wife and I: "Let's get the kids laptops for school next year. And upgrade our wireless router to mesh. We've got the money for a few extra purchases."

Our refrigerator:


One of the things I enjoy about the FB algorithm is when you join a new page or add a friend it is like, "YO! Let me make every post on your feed be from this to catch you up on what's been going on for the last 30 weeks!"


Its kinda fucked up how shitty flour is on its own but gets turned into so many awesome things like bread and pasta and gravy.


I am almost always aware that I'm being weird its just that I'm also usually powerless to stop myself.


I really enjoy Halloween, but I feel like there's a lot of overlap of people who get mad about Christmas stuff popping up in stores in October and people who are already saying "it's spooky season" while we're here in July.

There's still lots of time to float around in a pool with a cold drink.


The inventor of football really just said, "I need a ball, but I need it to be the wrong shape."


If hash browns are an acceptable breakfast food, then there's no reason why you can't have french fries for breakfast.


Me, driving the family minivan:

🎶"Poppin' bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink, we do it right gettin' slizard

Sippin' sizzurp in my ride (in my ride) like Three 6

Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6"🎶

It is worth mentioning that this stupid ass refrigerator is randomly deciding to stop cooling and the repairman we had out couldn’t figure it out yet, so my current strategy is just to not leave any leftovers that need to be stored in the fridge.  I love to eat.


Monday, July 3, 2023

June 2023 Joke Round-Up

  A few days late with this one because I was on vacation and had no inclination to get out of the water and sober up just to compile a bunch of old jokes.  And since I’m doing this late now, I am also not going to fuck around trying to come up with a nice little intro.  We’re just gonna go right to the jokes.


I am so spoiled at work using the Scheduling Assistant feature in MS Outlook to set up meetings. I wish I had this same functionality for setting up times to hang out with friends.


I got up from the couch to get some heartburn medicine, but ended up getting snacks instead. I wonder why I have heartburn.


That Pepto Bismol song is kind of a bop.


I won a poster from my local movie theater and I found the perfect place to hang it up in my house. #Family


I love reading recipes online that say things like, "This is SOO SIMPLE to make. All you have to do is combine (list of 43 ingredients)."


I got my hair cut yesterday and my wife tried to tell me that I looked "even more handsome."

I am not more handsome, I am just different handsome. I am well aware that I already reached the apex of handsomeness long ago.


Took my kids to the town fair yesterday. While waiting in line for rides I was approached by a guy who I literally have only spoken to once in my life; somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-12 years ago we had a disagreement at a bar about something to do with hockey. This guy says to me, "Remember when we argued about what the Blues needed to win the cup? And I ended up being right."

My guy, I definitely do not remember the details, nor do I care that much, but I'm just gonna go ahead and let you take that W because obviously you need it more than I do if you've been holding on to that one conversation for over a decade.


Out of context moments from my life:

My wife: "Who was looking up Rey Mysterio on my phone?"


The only thing I hide from my wife is my fast food receipts. She'd be simultaneously disappointed in my spending habits and also jealous that I went without her, so it's just better for both of us that she not know about it.


My wife's lunch really captures why we get along so well.


My son got me these for Father's Day. On the one hand I think I'm a little insulted, but on the other hand I do love snacks and these look delicious.


My daughter has gotten really into baking and I'm far too supportive of a father not to eat all these treats.


Country music is definitive proof that a kind and loving God does not exist.


On today's episode of Sentences I've Never Said Before: My weiner is too big.

Hooray, I did more than 8 jokes this month.  I referenced my chronic heartburn and also the reasons why I get it.  And I made a small dick joke.  Pretty much everything you can expect from me.  See you next month!