Wow, I started off this month so strongly. Then I completely shit the bed and took weeks off at a time from writing jokes. It’s almost like I’m not even good at this and I’m just wasting everyone’s time! Truth be told, I suspect I’m only wasting my own time because there is absolutely no way anyone even reads these things at this point. Is this just me keeping a diary at this point? Find out next time on “Ryan gets unnecessarily introspective.” These are some jokes I wrote.
3/1
My submission for Father of the Year: My son was just talking to me about his new Kirby game and I missed everything he said because I was thinking about pizza.
3/2
I didn't want my wife to think I'd been in the bathroom for over an hour.
3/3
I like that when you hit your 30s your body just forgets how to do things that it had been properly doing for years.
"Yo! I usually grow hair on the shoulders right? No? Oh well it's there now, enjoy. Also, kinda forgot what I'm doing with those eyebrows, but you can fix that, right? Cool. One last thing, I don't really remember how to deal with alcohol anymore, so you're just gonna have to feel like shit for 2 days. Prepare accordingly."
3/9
So, apparently this has nothing to do with Cody Rhodes.
3/11
I have a blanket with our family photo on it. This is how my wife folded that blanket.
3/13
My wife and my dog are both sick today. Same strategy for both: hide their medicine in a piece of cheese.
3/14
Having to put our sick dog in diapers feels like karma for all the times I've mentioned that I never had to worry about diapers with my kids because I didn't meet my wife until well after the kids were out of that stage.
3/25
The Red Cross is opening a Donor Rewards store where you can earn points for blood donations and redeem them for things like tumblers or gift cards. I think it is a super nice gesture, but it also kinda feels like I'm selling my blood for swag now.
3/29
I have filled 2 trash cans full of gumballs and it doesn't look like I've done any yard work at all. I need to know the statistics on how many people became atheists after having sweet gum trees in their yard and saying to themselves, "Clearly, this is not the creation of a being that loves me and wants me to be happy."
Re-reading this last one about gumballs just got me all pissed off again. I hate these fucking trees so much. After dealing with these trees for like 6 years now, my new answer to the question of “what’s the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?” is to cut down these fucking trees. I don’t even care about buying a nicer house or anything, I could be moving out and my last act of vengeance would be to cut down these trees and curse the name of the person who thought they were a good idea. Bastards.
-Ryan