Wow, last month started off so promising. After taking a couple days to get my bearings I started firing
off jokes almost every day, sometimes multiple in a single day (ooh, so creative!). Then I completely ran out
of steam after the mid point of the month and ended up with essentially the same joke output that I’ve had for
a while now. C'est la vie. Twelve jokes a month is better than no jokes a month. And of course, these are just
the things I’ve written down as standalones. I am well aware that I am just hilarious in conversation every
second of the day, it just doesn’t get recorded. Truly, people that don’t get to talk to me are missing out. Enough
of this inflating my own ego. Here are jokes.
5/4
I like grapes because they are essentially fruit tots. And I love tots.
5/5
Woke up this morning with the song from the Skip It commercial stuck in my head. It's been over 30 years
since I've seen that commercial. Why am I like this?
5/5
Made myself a fajita for dinner. Realized that I wanted something spicier than the chipotle sauce I had gotten
out, so I went back to the cabinets just shouting to myself, "I WANT SOMETHING REALLY HOT. I WANT
IT TO FUCK ME UP AND RUIN MY LIFE!"
5/7
If I was a ghost people would just hear noises in their kitchen and routinely find all their snacks opened up.
5/8
My kids will regularly ask for help on their math homework and then get serious attitude with me while we
work through it together. You better watch yourself squirt, I'm not the one who doesn't know what they're
doing here. I already passed this class.
5/11
Just spontaneously serenaded my wife with Flight of the Conchords' "The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room."
What can I say? I'm a romantic.
5/11
Seeing someone enter a Zorb reminds me of how we all thought Ant-Man was going to defeat Thanos.
5/12
There should be a cooking competition show where people have to make cakes while they're high.
Call it "Baked"
5/18
The longer it takes me to fall asleep at night, the more extreme my opinion of my wife's ability to easily fall asleep gets.
10:45 pm - "She's out. Really hope I can drift off that easily tonight."
12:38 am - "This sucks. So dumb. It's completely unfair how easily she is able to fall asleep."
2:17 am - "This fucking sleepin'-ass bitch right here..."
5/27
My daughter has figured out what my favorite snacks are and also realized that if she goes to the store with me
and suggests we buy them, that I am easily persuaded to agree. And then we both get snacks.
5/28
I managed to successfully take an afternoon nap today. Based on my day's activities, it seems that the catalyst
for actually falling asleep was going on a 5 mile hike. So...that seems sustainable.
5/29
This morning I was woken up by my wife's alarm and also by her hitting me because she thought it was my alarm. #MarriageGoals
So, we have covered that I like to eat, I excel at annoying my wife, and I have trouble sleeping.
And not even a picture this month! Riveting content right there. I fully understand why the only person who
reads this is me.
-Ryan