Sunday, December 1, 2019

November 2019 Joke Round-Up

                Well November is gone.  Looking back on the month, I got an early start on my holiday binge-eating and winter bulking.  Honestly, after this month there should never question it when I put on a little weight; we should all be more surprised that I’m not twice the size and suffering from a heart condition.  It should also be considered that since I did no grooming on my beard this month due to No-Shave November, a lot of these garbage food concoctions I threw together spent a little bit of extra time hanging out in my mustache.  I am truly a disgusting human being.  So, here are some jokes.

I did my yearly full face shave so that I can do No-Shave November and because I like to just periodically get a fresh reset on my facial hair. I gotta say, it is really impressive how much ugly I'm able to hide behind my beard.

I need to finish up leftovers in the fridge and I wanted to be efficient about it.

At one point while out trick or treating last night a car pulled up alongside our group, held an orange bowl out the window and asked us if we wanted any candy. I am well aware that this is the exact scenario that we warn kids about....but I wanted that candy.

A lot of people say that they're bad cooks or can't cook. The real secret to being adept in the kitchen is that you can't be afraid to experiment and break some rules. #FridgeCleanout

I think my biggest gripe with my business administration degree is that college didn't teach me some of the real world strategies I've seen used in the workplace like "nitpick your most productive staff members."

It's possible that we need to look into a dietary change for our daughter if she's pooping herself out of her shoes...

I hate that it gets dark so early. The kids are having some friends over for sleepover and I was surprised that they were still awake and going strong when it's so late. But it's only 7:30...

The Amazon Echo in our house got confused by too many people simultaneously shouting instructions at it. It made a fart noise then sang "And many more!" My life is complete.

This is why I struggle to eat healthy. Eating bastard combinations of unhealthy foods is so much tastier.

Just so we're clear.

Canadian TV personality Jess Allen made some comments about how, in her experience, hockey fans/players are not nice and are bullies.
In response, I've seen hockey fans calling her bitch, cunt, cow, ugly etc.
With reactions like that, I cannot imagine where she would have gotten the idea that hockey fans aren't nice.

To the lady at Walmart who gave me a dirty look when I told my daughter "No shit, Sherlock": Mind ya business.

"We're fast children." – Abby

I'm so dumb that I changed my profile picture on my personal account and then got confused when I saw posts and comments that I knew I had made with a different picture next to them.

Don't wait to see what kind of day you'll have, choose to have the day you want.

Somebody keeps playing country music at work. I can't fathom why anyone would go out of their way to make a work day even more unbearable. I assume they also like to purposely give themselves paper cuts before making hand-squeezed lemonade.

Life Pro Tip: Pie is an acceptable breakfast food as long as it's fruit-based.

I also added some hot sauce to give it the ol' razzle dazzle.

I see a lot of people making posts with pictures showing how much they've changed over the last decade. I didn't want to be left out.

"Nothing hurts dead people."
A very astute, though morbid, epiphany my son had tonight while playing video games with me.

We're putting up the Christmas tree today to a highly festive soundtrack of 90s pop hits. The kids are confused, but I think Aqua's "Barbie Girl" is a great way to set the mood for the holiday season.

My dog is really into this movie.

Overheard this conversation at work:
Coworker 1: "Do you need a nightstand box for anything?"
Coworker 2: "A nice sandbox?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A sandbox?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A nightstand?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A nice sandbox?"
I walked away so I don't know if there was ever any resolution to this.

This morning when I woke up the power was out in the house and the kids, who are always up early playing and making a ruckus, were abnormally quiet. Rather than attributing the power outage to the storm outside, my first thought was, "Shit, what did the kids do?" I suddenly understand so much about what I put my dad through...

                Tomorrow I get to trim up the rat’s nest on my face back into a respectable looking beard.  Then I’ll continue eating like the human garbage disposal that I am.  And maybe I’ll watch a little bit of TV and see my doppelganger urging people to call the Addiction Network.  Or perhaps I'll look for a nice sandbox.


Friday, November 1, 2019

October 2019 Joke Round-Up

                 Some months, when I’m putting together this round up I look at the jokes from the beginning of the month and am amazed that the month is over because I feel like I just wrote those jokes.  This was a long month.  I looked at what I wrote the first few days of this month and thought “Holy shit, that was still this month?”    I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that fall is miserable, torturous bullshit that seems to drag on forever and we’re now in the heart of it.  What?  You thought I wasn’t going to complain about how awful fall is?  Anyways, this month we saw the joyous return of hockey season, I found out that my daughter is way more similar to me than previously imagined, and I created a great motivational tool for my coworkers.  So, here are some jokes.

Hockey Eve is always so exciting. Everyone make sure to leave out beer and pizza for Brett Hull tonight.

My wife was not impressed with my work attire today. But it's Hockey Day and I don't care if it's hot out there was no way that I wasn't gonna wear my Stanley Cup Champions socks.

I'm bummed that the Blues didn't win their first game of the season tonight, but I've heard that it's possible to be in last place on January 3rd and still win The Cup so I think there may still be hope for them this season.

I hate that there's a line dance for Footloose because of that garbage country cover. I hate it. Line dances are a structured set of moves, which is completely against what the song is about. You just gotta feel the music. You gotta cut loose. Footloose.

Last night I had 2 different dreams about eating donuts. Even in my sleep I'm a fat kid.

This might be an indecent photo. I don't really know the pants situation for starfish.

I stayed up late enough to shut down the bars last night, something that I haven't done in a long time. I was in my basement watching Netflix instead of at a bar, but I'm still proud of myself for staying awake.

The kids have a drum set that my wife got for them several years ago (presumably because she hoped to drown out the sound of passing trains). They also have a habit of getting up at an ungodly early hour every day. This morning we had to have a little talk.
Me: "There is no reason for you guys to be up playing drums early in the morning when other people are sleeping. It's really loud."
Henry: "It's okay, I put on headphones so I didn't hurt my ears."

So my daughter painted this absolute fucking nightmare.

I took the day off work to chaperone my kids' school field trip and I'm pretty sure I'm more excited about it than they are. Whatever, I love field trips.

Abby: (stuffing her face) "I don't really like this food."
Me: "Then why do you keep eating it?"
Abby: "Well, somebody has to."
Oh my God, my daughter is turning into me.

I keep hearing this song on the radio, “16” by Highly Suspect. I don’t particularly care for the song anyway, but the chorus itself seems especially ridiculous:
“It took me sixteen years to find ya
One second to love ya
Seven years to hold ya
One minute to lose ya
Oh, God
Where did I go wrong?”
Bruh, I think it’s pretty clear that one minute is where you went wrong. Why are you asking this question when the answer is so obvious?

I think that about sums up my feelings towards this poll.

I made a motivational poster for my coworkers.

At our kids' school for parent-teacher conferences. Somebody keep an eye on this kid.

Why can't people just give their kids normal names?

There are some parents drinking coffee before the Scout hike this morning, which tells me that there are a handful of people that really want to shit in the woods today.

I went to the pumpkin patch with my family the other day. After looking around for a bit, I picked out a nice, round, bright orange, medium-sized pumpkin. Everyone else in the family proceeded to pick out pumpkins that were twice as big as mine. Apparently I'm the only one in the house not overcompensating for something.

That is a pretty tempting offer, FB, but I would be disappointed if I didn't hit it exactly.

                Well, I am not spending $10 on this because I still have school loans and a mortgage to pay, so I am absolutely certain that if you’re reading this you’re part of a much smaller group than 666 people (damn shame, too), so thanks for reading, I’ll catch you next month.


Tuesday, October 1, 2019

September 2019 Joke Round-Up

                September has ended and we’re about a week into fall, which is absolute bullshit.  The only saving grace is that hockey season officially starts tomorrow and I can watch the Stanley Cup Champion St. Louis Blues begin their title defense.  Lots of pictures this month.  And lots of references to things I shouldn’t be eating, like food that’s too spicy, food that’s a greasy mess, and even hair care products.  Also that time that I almost ran a 5k.  Enjoy these jokes that you’ve already seen.

Started at the bottom...

I can't unsee this.

67% of people can fuck right off.

This is just asking for trouble.

My wife and I have decided to start trying for a baby. In accordance with this, she told me that she looked up a fertility calendar to find out when she's most fertile. I asked her to let me know when the calendar says she's semi-fertile because, historically, at her most fertile she will pop out twins and I'm only trying to have 1 more kid.

I really don't understand religion. This was on the church door.

My wife and I have very different opinions on what the "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" mantra of marriage entails. She thinks it means she's entitled to eat some of my chicken nuggets and I think it means that if she keeps reaching for my food she's gonna lose a finger.

I ate at Waffle House at 1 o'clock this morning. I wasn't even drunk, I just love eating and have no self respect.

We're supposed to run a 5k tomorrow and today my wife "conveniently" ended up with a kidney infection. I've never worked that hard to get out of running.

A couple of friends and I had a shrimp boil the other day. We had a bit too much of the (rather spicy) seasoned broth so we dumped some of it in the yard. Suddenly I'm concerned about what it's doing to my stomach if it did this to the grass.

Went bowling with the family tonight. I won all 3 games, which my daughter was not happy about, leading her to very loudly say, "Can you please stop beating us?!" Needless to say, some eyebrows were raised at the bowling alley.

Note to self: Do not attempt to buy a new jock strap and cup for hockey online at work. Just a bunch of pictures of dude's crotches all over my computer.

What is with his attitude?

I wish Trump would wear a tan suit or order a sandwich with dijon mustard so Republicans would finally have something to get angry about.

The St. Louis Blues' longtime national anthem singer retired at the end of last season. As the start of this season gets closer, there are a lot of people online asking who will perform the anthem now and I just keep responding with this picture:

I guess they just let anyone drive these trucks.

Damn, I was too late.

I do not recommend this.

                As you know may know from one of my previous posts, I have 5 sweet gum trees in my yard.  So for the foreseeable future I will be in the yard with a rake and a bad attitude.


Sunday, September 1, 2019

August 2019 Joke Round-Up

                 I’ve been putting together these jokes round ups every month for the past few years now.  And still, without fail, every single month I am surprised by how many jokes I actually wrote for the month.  In the midst of each and every month I at some point think to myself, “I’ve hardly written any jokes this month.  I suck.”  And then it turns out at the end of the month that I’ve had the same amount of output as usual (which could still suck, but at least my numbers are consistent).  This month, I invented a product to save my dad-voice, lamented on how shitty fall is, and did some power washing.  Here are some jokes.

I don't trust this sheep.

After realizing how often I have to repeat myself to the kids, I invented a new product. I'm trying to change lives here.

Big mood

I've seen this shared on my timeline a few times. Aside from the fact that fall is garbage and you're wrong if you like it, look at the date it was initially posted: less than 2 weeks into summer. Slow your roll there, David Pumpkins. #FallSucks

My kids go back to school tomorrow and I’m definitely not ready for it, mostly because they’re still young enough that they need parents to sit down and do homework with them. When my kids go back to school, I end up with homework. This is bullshit. I finished school years ago, I’m not supposed to have homework anymore.

A recent study has found that men who experience erectile dysfunction are more likely to be less productive at work than those who don’t. I am happy to say that I am quite productive at work when it comes to finishing my assignments. In fact, I typically finish early.

I once applied for a job that required me to do a couple of writing prompts as part of the application process; one of which was to write a press release about charges filed in a murder case. In response to that prompt, I opted to write about charges filed against George Howard Skub a.k.a. The Scranton Strangler. I did not receive a call for an interview.

When your wife asks you to pressure wash the fence and patio area but you're a romantic at heart....

This morning I was at a stoplight next to a woman eating a bowl of cereal in her car. I'm all for eating on the go, but I usually try to avoid bringing dishes and utensils into the equation.

I don't want to know what or who they're trying to catch.
This is a really odd question, but I guess Google heard about my sweet moves.

I'm not familiar with these...

I've been bent out of shape all day. Good thing I'm going to the chiropractor this afternoon.

Came across this while scrolling my timeline. I don't know about the age progression pic, but that black & white pic is much different than I remember him from the Smells Like Teen Spirit music video.

I got a free golf simulator game on the Xbox that I've been playing lately. And while it does a lot of things right, at no point have I been able to piss in the woods; which really detracts from the realism of the experience.

Of course the best part about being married is that I get to share my life with the woman I love more than anything else in the world. However, it's also worth mentioning the added benefit of no longer having to worry about buying Christmas or birthday presents for anyone but my spouse because she takes care of all of that.

                Summer is almost gone and we’re gonna have to deal with that absolute bullshit season of fall so I’ll probably be getting increasingly crankier as next month goes on.  Maybe my jokes will reflect that.  Either way, as long as I continue to assume that I’ve written essentially no jokes for the month you can expect a very similar amount of jokes next month.  Maybe they’ll even be good.