Thursday, August 1, 2019

July 2019 Joke Round-Up


                July has come and gone as we barrel helplessly through summer.  July was considerably less exciting than the previous month, which I suspect can be largely attributed to the fact that I didn’t get married again in July; a notable difference from June.  I did get to go on my honeymoon this month, which was pretty sweet and didn’t at fill me with inescapable misery when I had to return to work and the real world (haha, I’m sad now).  For whatever reason, I took a LOT of pictures for visual jokes this month; so have fun with that.

7/1
Today my wife confused Jon Taffer and Jake Tapper. I definitely think there'd be a lot less punch to Bar Rescue with Jake Tapper, but CNN could get really fun.

7/1
Speaking of Jon Taffer, 2 days before my honeymoon I saw an episode of Bar Rescue where someone ordered a Rum Runner and it is now officially my new favorite drink. That's no joke, just a life pro tip.

7/2
Found out that I'm not into that sort of thing.

7/2
Ordering Dedos de Pollo feels a lot more sophisticated than ordering Chicken Fingers.

7/3
It's possible that this kind of stuff is why the dog likes everyone else in the house more than me.

7/4
Every time I exit the pool I start moving just a little bit slower than usual and have "Moving In Stereo" by The Cars playing in my head. Because reasons.

7/6
One very important thing I've learned from watching Food Network is to ditch the garnishes; don't put anything on a plate that isn't intended to be eaten. But not everyone follows that rule and so today I ate a flower.

7/7
I hope the pilot just has Google Maps on up in the cockpit.

7/8
It's been 14 years since I last took a Spanish class in school. Either I remembered a lot more than I thought I did and being in Mexico just brought it out of me, or all the rum made me think that's what was happening.

7/8
Just gonna do some Mayan Crossfit.

7/9
#PlayGloria

7/9
Who says romance is dead?

7/10
Necessity is the mother of invention.

7/14
Walking through Bed Bath & Beyond with my wife and she points out some scraper utensil that is apparently supposed to help scoop the last bits of dip or whatever out of a bowl.
Thanks, but I already have a finger.

7/15
I took a small bump to my elbow at hockey last night. I've spent my time since then just shouting Kindergarten Cop quotes at people.

7/17
In preparation for my wife's birthday today, I baked a cake for the first time in my life last night. I don't mean to brag, but I probably would not be the first contestant eliminated on the Kids Baking Championship.

7/18
I did that face aging thing and now I finally look the way I feel every day when I wake up.

7/20
My wife is being super mature right now because she doesn't want to go grocery shopping with me.

7/26
Today's work struggle. #Thirsty

7/27
Improve your lunch break with this 1 easy trick.

7/28
Life Pro Tip: Clorox currently only offers 6 different flavors of bleach, but you can add flavor packets to regular bleach to make your own.

7/30
We’ve been under a boil order because of a water main break on our street. Because of this, we’ve been relying on bottled water in the house and have extended this to filling our dog’s water dish with bottled water during this time as well. And honestly, the dog is getting a little bit uppity about the whole thing.

7/31
I'll be honest, I have no idea how to throw away a trash can.

                Wow! As far as jokes go, those are definitely ones that I wrote last month.  Pretty accurate assessment of my writing if I do say so myself.  Anyways, now that the wedding and honeymoon are both over, looks like I’ve got a lifetime of jokes about marital bliss to get writing.

-Ryan

Monday, July 1, 2019

June 2019 Joke Round-Up


                Holy shit, what a month!  June was far and away the best month of my life.  It featured the two best days of my life: the Blues winning the Stanley Cup and me getting married to the love of my life (in no particular order).   If you didn’t already know, I’m a huge Blues fan and you’ll see some more jokes sprinkled in there about the Blues winning and poking fun at Boston.  You’ll also see a decent break in the dates of my jokes where I was in full-on getting married mode and didn’t focus on much else besides making sure I didn’t give my bride a reason not to show up on the big day.  So, on to the jokes.

6/2
Sometimes I worry that I might be nicer to my dog than I am to my kids. But then I remember that the dog never whines at me because I won't let it watch LOL Doll videos on YouTube.

6/4
NBC just offered this live look in at Enterprise Center to update everyone on Zdeno Chara's status after last night's game. He's still on the bench.

6/8
It's June 8th. The kids decided they wanted to watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas. What the hell?

6/9
I was in a parade with my son for the Boy Scouts today. During the parade I had people I knew in the crowd bring me a popsicle and a sandwich. Usually it's the people on the float giving treats to the crowd but I like my way better.

6/10
Prior to yesterday's game 6 a local newspaper accidentally jumped the gun on reporting the St. Louis Blues as the series victor. Here's an embarrassing photo of that gaffe.

6/12
I'm getting married next Saturday. So the outcome of tonight's hockey game will determine if next Saturday is the best or 2nd best day of my life. It's worth mentioning that I've been with the Blues nearly 3 decades longer than I've been with my fiancée so this really comes down to the numbers.

6/14
Live look at how I'm handling the Blues winning the Stanley Cup.

6/17
I don't really understand why my dog goes nuts over treats but is super unenthusiastic about his regular kibble. They both taste the same to me.

6/17
Today is my 3 year anniversary of getting ordained and my 2 year anniversary of playing Words With Friends. So, pretty momentous day all around.

6/17
Mr. Steal Yo Mail. #JustAJoke #DontArrestUsPlease

6/18
UPDATE: It has been a week since the Blues won the Stanley Cup in game 7 at Boston and Chara is STILL on the bench. Thankfully, someone left a light on for him. #PlayGloria

6/24
Marriage - Day 2: wearing this wedding ring makes me feel sophisticated AF.

6/25
Noticed there was an empty picture frame at my dad & step mom's house so I figured I'd help out.

6/25
My neighbor told me that I'm glowing from the wedding. I told her it's because I spend too much time standing in front of the microwave watching my food cook.

6/27
This week I've been getting myself prepped to run my first D&D campaign and also getting ready to go on my honeymoon. Because of this overlap, in addition to a house-sitter I've opted to also set up a series of booby traps to protect my home while I'm gone.

6/27
I got the kids workbooks to do over the summer so they don't get dumb before school starts again. I assigned them a few pages to do tonight and it would appear from their reactions that I've violated the Geneva Convention.

6/29
I'm not saying that Ring Doorbell is a snitch, but it's awfully hard for me to get away with unashamedly eating an entire pizza to myself on a day home alone when my wife can watch a video of it being delivered.

                That image of Chara alone in the arena with a single light on him is the most viewed/traveled joke I’ve made thus far since I started doing this whole thing, so that’s pretty neat.  Gonna be pretty hard to top, but I’ll keep trying anyways (not like I’m unacquainted with failure….look at this whole damn blog).

-Ryan

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Sweet Gum Trees Are The Devil


                One thing that has been a pretty drastic change to my life since buying a house has been the introduction of yard work into my regular routine.  Having spent the previous 7 years of my life in an apartment, yard work hasn’t been a concern of mine for quite some time.  Truthfully, having to take care of a lawn was about the furthest thing from my mind.  Aside from a couple of times mowing my dad’s grass while he was out of town, most of my outdoor activity was based around either pavement or public parks where it’s somebody else’s job to worry about that stuff.  Get off work? Don’t have to worry about mowing the grass. Have the weekend off? Not gonna think about raking leaves.  Gorgeous day outside? Absolutely not gonna give a shit about landscaping.

Luckily, I was able to get a nice, easy acclimation to yard work in my new house.  No wait, it’s the opposite of that.  I got smacked in the face with 5 FUCKING SWEET GUM TREES IN MY YARD.  5 trees worth of leaves would easily be enough work on its own.  The fact that I also have 5 trees worth of gumballs in my yard only adds to the giant middle finger that mother nature is giving me on the regular.   Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my house but these trees in my yard can fuck right off.  Now, I’m not an arborist by any means, but I do have access to Google and have tried to look up a bit of information about these trees.  Based on recently acquired expertise on the subject, I have surmised that the trees in my yard are all somewhere between 20 and 150 years old.  As my house was built in 1973, this means that these trees were clearly either already there when the house was built, or they were planted afterwards.  Those are my 2 options; they are either older or younger than the house.  By the process of elimination, I have made that broad and entirely unhelpful non-conclusion.
Well hello there, Satan

Let’s start off with the first option: the trees were already there when the house was built.  I do know that the house was purposefully built by the first owners; it wasn’t put up in some large cookie-cutter subdivision project.  So, this means that they looked at this piece of land with these gumball trees and said, “Here.  I was my house right in the middle of these trees because I just absolutely can’t wait to deal with this bullshit every year.”  I mean, presumably, there were some other trees in the area that had to be cleared out to make adequate room for the construction.  Maybe all the other trees there were also sweet gum trees and they cut back from 17 to 5.  But why stop there?  5 sweet gum trees is 5 too many.  Clear out all of them and start fresh with a type of tree that isn’t an enormous pain in the ass to deal with. Obviously, that would have been a more ideal course of action than to build a sweet new house that you can’t even enjoy because you’re constantly out in the yard picking up gumballs.

Naturally, the other potential scenario would be that the trees were planted some time after the house was built.  This is seemingly an even more ridiculous scenario.  I can’t imagine who in their right mind would have a blank slate of a yard and think to themselves, “Boy, I really wish I had 5 fucking trees worth of gumballs to pick up every year.  That would sure keep me occupied and I am lacking in the hobby department.”  If you have the opportunity to choose what sort of tree you’re planting, how could you possibly choose a sweet gum tree?  And why on earth would you opt for 5 of them?  The only conceivable way in which someone would willingly plant these trees is if the previous owners who planted them knew they would be moving out of the house before the trees started flowering around the 15-20 year mark (thank you, Google) and wanted to pull an epic troll job on the next owners of the home.  And if that’s the case: congratulations, you fuckin’ got me good.

Between the 5 trees worth of leaves and gumballs, my patience for yard work is already nearing critical mass.  I am at a point where I am heavily considering buying stock in whatever company makes those yard waste bags because my yard is nearly single-handedly keeping that industry rolling.  For the sake of being able to enjoy the yard without threat of twisting my ankle, the gumballs are obviously something that’s gotta go, but the leaves are an entirely different story.  Were it just up to me, I would say “Fuck it” and let the leaves just hang out in my yard until they either blow away or decompose.  But unfortunately, peer pressure exists, and I can’t help but look around at all the other houses near us who have neatly raked yards and then feel like a lazy asshole when I see my yard covered in leaves.  I imagine the only way I might feel more ashamed about it would be if I had a car up on cinderblocks in my yard.

We went with this instead of pink flamingos

                In addition to an excessive amount of sweet gum tree shrapnel littering my yard, we also inherited a pretty sizeable amount of landscaping in our yard.  We have landscaping wrapping around the entire front and side of the house and 2 large landscaped areas on either side of the end of our driveway.  I imagine at one point in time this landscaping looked pretty neat.  Unfortunately, right now it does not look pretty neat.  I’m not blaming the previous owner of the house for the fact that the landscaping has deteriorated; she was an older lady living there by herself so I wouldn’t expect her to be pulling lots of landscaping duties.  Regardless, it’s obvious that the landscaping has been left to its own defenses for a while now and we will have to replace all of it in there near-to-mid future.  In the meantime, there’s a literal shit ton of weed-eating to do throughout and around all this landscaping, there are plenty more leaves stuck in and around the raggedy-ass shrubs and bushes that are part of the landscaped area, and somehow even though most of the rocks that were originally in the landscaping seem to have disappeared (unless they just skimped on rocks to start) what remains of the rock loves to migrate out into the yard for me to find with the lawnmower.  Again, going back to my proficiency with Google, some light internet reading in preparation for the inevitable nightmare of redoing all of the landscaping, I have found numerous testimonies to the ineffectiveness of weed barrier fabric.  You mean to tell me that people do all this work to still spend the rest of their lives pulling fucking weeds out of their landscaping?  Fuck all of that, I’m ready to just pave over the yard at this point and put in a parking lot.

Please start singing “Big Yellow Taxi” to yourself now.  Both Joni Mitchell and Counting Crows are acceptable.

                Probably the least bothersome part of all this newly encountered yard work is mowing the grass.  Truthfully, I’m mostly ambivalent about mowing the grass.  It’s overall a relatively painless experience where I get to put in some earbuds and dance my way around the yard for an hour every few days.  I don’t enjoy mowing the lawn, but I don’t hate it.  And I don’t really take any particular pride in it, it’s just a thing that is done.  Which also makes it really weird that after I’m done doing this thing that I have no strong feelings about whatsoever, I still look out across the yard proudly and think, “That looks much better.”  Perhaps you’ve seen the meme floating around the about dad’s looking proudly over their lawn after mowing and it’s stupidly accurate because I seriously don’t even care about my lawn and I still can’t help myself from turning into a complete caricature of a person just standing there feeling self-satisfied about grass.

Why am I like this? What have I become?

                I will say that my fiancée does A LOT in the yard with all the bushes and landscaping; partly because she’s a bit of a plant addict and partly because she knows if I starting messing with all of it I’d just get pissed off and burn it all down.  Really, I’m just biding my time with all this yard work until I can pawn it off on the kids in a couple of years.  They’re 7 now and I’ve been getting them trained to start picking up the gumballs and the leaves little by little.  I’m still relatively new to this whole dad thing, but I’m pretty sure that’s the whole reason people have kids, right?  For the free labor around the house? I refuse to pay a lawn care company to come take care of my yard for me when we have 2 (mostly) capable minions sitting in the living room playing Minecraft.  The yard doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to not be the shittiest one on the street.  And since nobody else on our street has a rusted-out car on cinder blocks in their yard, we have some work to do.

-Ryan





Saturday, June 1, 2019

May 2019 Joke Round-Up

                May has been one hell of a month.  If you know even a little about me, you know that I’m a huge hockey fan.  At the beginning of the month the Blues were on the brink of elimination from the playoffs and I wrote a joke about it.  As we turn the page to June, the Blues are one of 2 teams left playing for the Stanley Cup, so that’s occupied a lot of my time.  I also had my bachelor part this month, which was a lot more tame than you’ve probably come to expect from me, but did keep me from writing any jokes for a few days as I was deep in a beer and meat coma.  Let’s get to the jokes.


5/1
I read a study that said drinking 3-5 cups of coffee per day can decrease your risk of developing Alzheimer's. That may be true, but it will also drastically increase my chances of spending most of the day going to the bathroom and laying in bed awake all night.

5/3
A recent study from Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago found that people drink coffee and alcohol not because they like the taste but because they like the buzz they get from these drinks.
In a related story: Duh, no shit.

5/4
The Blues are 1 loss away from being eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. Fans are a bit on edge and starting arguments amongst one another. I felt like I needed to set the record straight.

5/8
Last night the Blues won game 7 of their playoff series against Dallas by a score of 2-1 in double overtime. I don't wanna say that I was nervous or that the game was intense, but when I finally unclenched my buttcheeks at the end of it, I stood up to find a diamond in my seat.

5/11
This morning I had the kids clean their rooms while I did laundry. I walked into Henry's room and asked him if a pile of clothes on the floor was clean or dirty. Without hesitation, he picked up a shirt and immediately did the sniff test on it. So proud that I'm able to pass these things on to him.

5/11
"When you do stuff that's loud it's annoying." - Henry
Alright kid, I'm gonna remember this shit come Christmas time.

5/12
Last night while watching some curling on TV the announcers kept commenting that "nobody has had a deuce yet" and I'm not a mature enough person not to laugh at that. #PoopJokes

5/14
My favorite thing about meeting new people is forgetting their name 2 seconds after they introduce themselves and then using that as an opportunity to be an amateur detective instead of admitting to them that I'm an idiot.

5/16
A lot of people are mad at the state of Alabama and its politicians right now, which is totally understandable. But I don't understand why anyone is surprised that Alabama is awful. Have you ever been there? It's the worst. Next time they try to secede we should just let them go; totally not worth keeping around.

5/17
I can't find shit on this globe.

5/17
I had to drop my phone off for a warranty repair and the tech asked how to get ahold of me when the phone was fixed.
Well now, that's a great fucking question, isn't it?

5/20
If you've ever wanted to experience the same mix of curiosity and excitement that your dog does whenever someone goes down your street, get a Ring Video Doorbell.

5/20
I've heard a lot of talk about it lately; thinking about getting into Game of Thrones.

5/21
There might have been some math.

5/23
For lunch today I had a turkey sandwich, but instead of using regular sandwich bread I made it on some leftover garlic bread from dinner last night. There's no joke associated with this, I'm just trying to improve some peoples' lives out there because that sandwich was amazing.

5/29
I asked my son if he thought I was mean and he responded, "You're chubby."
Well if I wasn't mean before, I'm about to be.

5/29
This was surprising.


                As of the posting of this round up, I’m 3 weeks out from my wedding.  By the next joke round up, I’ll be a married man.  So I got that going for me, which is nice.

-Ryan

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

April 2019 Joke Round-Up


                What a month April was.  At numerous points throughout the month I was absolutely certain that I’d only written like 4 jokes so far, but in compiling this round up I was pleasantly surprised to find that not only was I writing pretty steadily all month, but at one point I had 5 consecutive days with new jokes.  Now, I can’t guarantee the quality of those jokes, but they do indeed qualify as new jokes.  And boy did this month have it all: penis-shaped water bottles, me suffering debilitating brain injuries and lots and lots of jokes about me doing fat kid stuff.  Here they are.

4/1
Last night our daughter threw up in her bed. This was a huge moment for teamwork in our household because my fiancée remained calm and knew exactly what to do, whereas my initial course of action was to try to burn all the blankets and throw the bed away. #IBarfedToo

4/3
No Meatwad on the menu, though. Hmm... #NumberOneInTheHoodG

4/5
Tonight my fiancée and I got a regular Whopper and an Impossible Whopper from BK, cut them in half, and subjected each other to blind taste tests to see if we could tell a difference. Not sure what fun stuff everyone else is doing with their Friday night, but we've obviously set the bar pretty high. #FatKidGames

4/8
Make sure to stay hydrated during your workouts.

4/9
The other night while I was getting a couple of drinks at the bar, my fiancée playfully waved at me from across the room. Unfortunately (for him), the random guy next to me thought she was waving at him, so he went over to talk to her and proceeded to have the most awkward time ever. For once it felt good to not be the sad sack in the “Oops, they were actually waving at the person behind me” situation.

4/10
The first day of NHL playoffs got me feelin' some kinda way.

4/12
A while back my company had a big public event with local sports mascots, first responder vehicles for kids to check out, face-painting, balloon animals, etc. I was looking through the photos of the event and found my son in the background of one picture just absolutely not dealing with anyone's shit until he's had his hot chocolate.

4/14
Today I officiated my 2nd wedding. I received several compliments from people on the ceremony to which I kept replying, "Yeah, it's not my first wedding."

4/15
Because I also used it as part of a Halloween costume a few years back, the suit jacket that I wore to officiate the wedding yesterday has some (seemingly) permanent specks of glitter scattered all over it. I do believe that it adds a bit of gravitas to the ceremonies I perform.

4/16
The worst part of being me is that I can't just walk away from me when I start saying stupid shit.

4/17
Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh getting eliminated blew out the Eastern Conference of my bracket so now my kids are beating me in the NHL Bracket Challenge. I'm not 100% on all the intricacies of The Dad Handbook, but I'm pretty sure if they beat me I lose control of the thermostat. This is embarrassing.

4/18
The kids told me that they like our dog more than they like me. That's fine, I just hope the dog can cook them dinner and help them with homework. #Petty

4/21
Feeling festive today.

4/23
I do not understand people who enjoy camping sober. What is the point of being in the woods if you're not drunk in the woods?

4/23
Kahla: "It's annoying when I see people just share share share like 50 memes a day. You can appreciate something without sharing it."
Me: "I know people can appreciate things without sharing them because nobody shares my jokes."

4/24
Because of who I am fundamentally as a person, I sometimes get into debates/arguments with people on the internet. I will typically take the time to fully flesh out and support my point of view, which makes my posts a little bit on the longer side. And it seems that with increasing regularity, this is met by responses either condemning or poking fun at the length of my rebuttals. I gotta say, even if you disagree with someone, I don’t know if there’s a dumber stance to take than what essentially boils down to “Look at the nerd using words to convey ideas!”

4/24
Learning a lot at the zoo today. #PartyFoul

4/25
I was in an obnoxiously good mood today so I put this abomination together for lunch to give me a reason to be disappointed in myself.

4/28
I think an important part of any successful relationship is setting ground rules and expectations. For example, today I told my fiancée that if we ever have root beer on our shopping list and she comes home with Barq's, I will leave her.

4/29
Kinda wanna make healthy life choices. Kinda wanna fill a 33 gallon trash bag with popcorn and eat my way through it. #DecisionsDecisions

4/29
My brain has broken

4/30
Last night before I went to bed I found myself carrying our dog around the living room, rocking him, and singing a lullaby I made up on the spot called "Bedtime for Barclay." What is my life?

                I’m getting closer and closer to my wedding; less than 2 months to go now.  I’m certain as he wheels start turning faster and faster to the wedding date there will be some great moments because the way I handle stress is to make inappropriate jokes.  Stay tuned.

-Ryan